First Spanish with Dora, now Penis with MOM! Thanks NickJr. you are full of information.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been creating a new nightly routine that goes a little something like this -



5 year old daughter: "Mama, can I watch t.v. while you are brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed?"

Me: "Yes, of course"

5 year old daughter: "NickJr. is boring now!"

Me: "Oh, really, yeah. O.K. honey" not really paying attention because I am too busy wondering if the $200 facial cleansing set is really worth the money. Olay for $8.95 worked just as well.

5 year old daughter: "I am going to wait for you in my room mommy. I will play Barbies instead while you brush your teeth"

Me: "O.K. I will come in and read to you in a minute"

Does this nightly routine sound new?

No?

Because it is not!


The new part is this:

After putting my daughter to bed, I walk into my room and climb under my covers searching for the remote that my daughter likes to stick in weird places after she gets bored with the T.V. Not to mention that she always fails to turn the T.V. off.

I am fluffing my pillow, putting my hand lotion on, and plugging my phone into the charger getting ready to change the channel for some "Housewives of New Jersey" when all of a sudden I hear the word

PENIS

P E N I S

P    E   N   I    S

Now, is hearing the word "Penis" the hugest deal in the world? God NO!!! I am not a prude!

But.........Hearing the word "PENIS", and then looking up to the T.V. Screen and seeing the NickJr. symbol in the right hand corner.......well that is just plain craaaazzzzzyyyyy!!!

Uhhhh, am I drunk?

NO

Uhhh, am I in some parallel universe?

NO

Uhhhhh, 

Ummmmmmm,

WTF?

I change channels, then change it back. Blink my eyes and open them again. The symbol still says NickJr. 

But the show is called 

NickMOM Night Out!

I leave it on the channel for a minute, hear a few more ADULT jokes, and start totally tripping out!

My husband walks in and I turn to him like a complete spaz -

"Honey, look at NickJr. Listen! Look! It's like stand up comedy,and it's called Mom something and I heard the word Penis, and, and blah aadfaiddgfiahgfiagfahfhkdfsdijds"

"WOW. Weird, crazy"

I don't think he is paying attention to me. Maybe he is also wondering if my $200 facial kit was worth it. Ooops, I meant $100 dollar facial kit. 

Do we ever really give our husbands the 'true' price?

This has been my nightly routine for the past week or so.

Every night I turn on NickJr. just to see if there are still ADULTS saying ADULT THINGS.

YES! NICK MOM is still going strong

Every night, I spaz out, trying to get my husband to feel the same bewilderment I feel. 

Every night he doesn't seem as miffed as I do.

So I figured I would blog about it.
Would I be the only one?

Am I in the Twilight Zone?

But then I got home from work today, and on the MSN front page I saw this:

NickMom Makes for Ticked Moms

   

I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!

Someone wrote an article!

*As I said earlier. I am totally not a prude. But they did not even wait until past 10 or 11. I mean, why go messin with NickJr anyway, but if they really wanted to they could have waited until the Juniors of the world are actually asleep. I don't know about everyone else, but at 8:00 my little one is still beggin to watch T.V. and YES, sometimes I actually let her. She watches T.V. while I catch up on my magazine subscriptions, or talk to my older girls about their day.

Wonder how long Mom Night is going to last. I mean, I am amazed by it, but I have a million other things to be passionate about. But there are some crazy protesting moms out there, so little Junior better watch out. Moms on a mission can be dangerous!

Penis on NickJr. Is "NickJr." turning into "DickJr." ? 

Interesting!

Gettin jumped by my husband............NOoooo silly!! Not in that way!

Question:

What is more embarrassing than having your car NOT start after dropping your daughter off at Kindergarten???????????

Answer:

Having your car NOT start, only to make obnoxious clicking / grinding sounds right in front of the PTO program sign up table!!!! Then you have to wait 30 minutes for your husband (god love him) who has to leave work as a General Contractor (a.k.a. sometimes dirty clothed construction worker) and come jump your uncooperative car!

Nothin like a bunch of PTO moms staring at you like "who is the loser with the NON starting car?"

*Disclaimer.Nothin but love for PTO moms! I have been a PTO mom with my older kids, and now that I have one back in elementary I will probably somehow get sucked in again. Nothin against them, but definitely not one of them yet. They are a new breed. I have not been at that school in a while. I had one of them ask me in a 'I am the PTO President' Kind of tone "Oh, are you a newww mom here?"

What I wished I could say if my alter ego, Drunk J.R. was talking, "Bitch, Please!!!! Are you F*ing kidding me? Am I NEW here??!!!! I have lived in this neighborhood since I was 4. I F*ing went to school here, my husband went to school here. My 18 year old, 15 year old, and 14 year old went to school here.I used to help with the Spirit Wear, and was co- leader on the Auction Dinner Committee. It's been a few years, but now I am a Kindergarten mom once again, so you'd better hang onto your PTO PRESIDENT Title, cuz I'm a comin for it!!!!!!!!!!!!" - joke! I soooo don't want that title. But Drunk J.R. would try to take it just for fun.Drunk J.R. doesn't show up drunk to school,so I won't have to worry about her signing me up for committees, groups and such. Thank God! 

What I actually said, since Drunk J.R. only exists about twice a month, and the real J.R. is a people pleasing, sweet as pie, kind of gal- "Oh, no, I'm not technically new. It's been a few years, but now I have a Kindergartener again. Thank you for asking though. Oh, by the way, my name is J.R., what is yours? Perfect Patty? Oh, nice to meet you Perfect Patty! Well, golly gee, see you around"

Drunk J.R. tries to overtake my blog sometimes, but those usually get erased by morning time. If you are an insomniac, (or different time zone) you may get lucky about once a month.

Question: 

Want to know what is more embarrassing than your car NOT starting in front of Perfect Patty,Bake Sale Betty, and Super Suzy? 

Answer:

Calling your boss to say you would be late because  - "I am waiting for my husband to come jump me"

Made it home after he charged the battery, only to have it die right before pulling into driveway. 

Good Bye Fallen Car Part! You were a brave soul!

Good Day Folks! Car is fixed, and now I can go into work..........late........because............................ my husband did the dirty deed!!! Nooooooo, not that dirty deed, good lord! Got his hands dirty with grease, oil and stuff! New Alternator Installed!

And $167.00 dollars, and 2 hours later. Hello Mr. Alternator. Welcome to your new family. Don't let me down, and if you do.... Please not in front of anybody!

Does this frazzled, stressed out look make me look fat?

I am frazzled!

But not like frazzled beyond belief.....
Not frazzled, like 10 kids, 4 quintuplets, lost job, no income, living on the streets, kind of frazzled.

Just normal frazzled.

If I did have quintuplets, I guess I would feel like I have a right to complain.

But I don't.

But what I do have is this-

An 18 year old son who has graduated,and doesn't really need me, but I can't seem to let go of him. I want to baby him, take care of him, and have control of his life. But I don't!
I haven't for a while.

I have a 15 1/2 (almost 16) year old daughter who is 'in love' for the 3rd time (this time 'for real') and she needs a ride EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a 14 year old who just started high school as a freshman, and is trying to keep up with the 15 1/2 year old junior. She is a bit 'lost', yet somehow mature, and intelligent beyond her years.

I have a 5 year old who is really the only one who tells me she loves me anymore.

The teens only say 'I love you' as I am giving them money, or rides, or the answer they want to hear (which is YES!) In defense of the teens, they are not awful. They are not spoiled brats who just came off of the set of My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. I just condense it for the blog world. There are still hugs. There is still love. But, boy oh boy, raising teen daughters is giving me a run for my money. 

The job that I have had for almost 12 years is getting 'boring' to me.Not to mention changing directions. A direction that I am hoping I can keep up with. They are a family. I love them, but I love being creative. I love writing, crafting, painting, creating, and especially making people laugh. My dream has always been to be on Saturday Night Live. I work in an office. Not in a crafty live t.v studio set, based somewhere in New York City.

 Is it o.k. to secretly wish that I was one of those "Make A Wish Kids" and that I could make a wish to star on one episode of SNL?..............................DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!! I have the answer.It is horrible to think that, as we all know that the Make a Wish Children deserve it! Me? I am a 38 year old healthy woman who just wishes that I could 'Make A Wish'. But in no way do I actually deserve to Make A Wish and have it come true.

Blah!

Blah!

Blah!

In recent news, I handed over control of the teen girls to my husband. All of the taking advantage that they were doing was really getting to me. I think it has helped.

It felt so good to rest in my air-conditioned room the other evening while I heard this as I was eavesdropping   trying to brush my teeth-

Dad- "So, you got it???The rules are the rules! Your mom needs a break, so you will now be calling me for rides. You will call me when you want to go somewhere after school! You will call me if you want to have a friend come over! AND IF I SAY NO, IT IS NO!!!!"

Girls- "But....But............."

Dad- "But, BUT NOTHING!"

Girls- "But, what if I need to get aho?????????"

Dad- " Ahold of what??? Ahold of me???? If I answer, Great!!!! If I am up on a 20 foot scaffold with a hammer in my hand, and can't answer the phone.......well then the answer is 'NO' N...O...! GOT IT? Great, good night!!!"


Why is it so much easier for him?

Why is he able to just 'shush' them, and walk away?

Why are high waisted shorts back in style? Oh off subject!

Sometimes these girls are my confidantes!
Sometimes they are my buddies!
Sometimes they need their mommy!
Sometimes they hug me, and make me feel like the most loved mom ever!

But.....
Sometimes they are just teen girls

And
Sometimes, I have to remember I was a teen girl once too
And hopefully one day, they will be back on my shoulder.Crying, and laughing.Confiding, talking, and loving!

For now I have this

A five year old just wants to be with her Mama!
A five year old tells her Mom "Mama, you are the prettiest, best Mama EVER!"
Can I just keep producing five year olds? 

A five year old who has no idea what Facebook is (o.k. she does, but she doesn't have one)
She doesn't know that having a mom is embarrassing! In fact, quite the opposite. She wants 'Mama' to stay with her all day at school, and never leave. She doesn't make me drop her off down the street, and around the corner, all the while pretending I don't exist.
She doesn't show discomfort when I hug her, squeeze her, or grab her little booty! Sorry, but little booties are sooo cute!
She doesn't want to slam her door shut! She wants it open
She doesn't want to sleep in her room, forgetting to say goodnight because she is too busy on her phone.She wants to sleep in bed with Mommy and Daddy.

Which makes me think..............

Parenting is just one big mess of confusion.
You spend so long waiting till' the 'next stage', only to curse it.
You put so much thought into how you can do everything right, only to have it backfire on you.
You want them out of your hair, out of your room, out of your bed, to hurry up, to shush, to give you a moment of peace, to give you just 'one second of silence', to please play the 'who can be the quietest game' for a bit more longer, to just LEAVE YOU ALONE!!!! You want all of this!

But then they get older, and you want them in your hair, in your room, wanting to sleep with you, slow it down, talk more, break the silence,not be so FRICKING QUIET. You want them to not be strangers.

I guess parents can't win.

We are all just doing the best we can.

My best really isn't too bad. Even my teens would begrudgingly agree!

I am going to end this post now, because this five year old has now rolled over, kicked me, and asked me in her sleep , to "turn down the light on my laptop".

See, this is where confusion sets in. I am now wishing she was a teen that wanted nothing to do with me, or my bed! 

Happy Labor Day everybody! As being a parent is one of the most laboring jobs there could be.

OH MY GOD - I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my god, WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME?"

"You ruined my LIFE!"

"You are soooooooooooo embarrassing!No other parents do that!"

"******'s mom buys her whatever clothes she wants!"

"*****'s parents just took her to Contempo Casuals and bought her a new cropped shirt! Why can't you be like them?"

"What?? WHAT??? You said 'hi' to the boy I like???I'm NEVER going to school again! EVER!!!"

"Drop me off at the corner! The cor.....what?? What are you doing? Why are you pulling up in front of the school? I said the cooooorrrrrnnnnnneeeerrrrrr.............Ugggggghhhhh! So embarrassing!"

"Mom, are you seriously going to pull over and ask that kid if he wants a ride? WHY? He is in my math class, and he is a weirdo? I don't care if it's raining, you are soooo EMBARRASSING!!"

"Why are you waving at them?Soooooo embarassing!"

"On restriction? Are you serious? There is a HUGE party on Friday and everybody is going! I swear I will never roll my eyes or talk back to you again!I promise! I am so sorry......You are the best parents in the world...........Can't I get off restriction on Thursday? What? WHY?......You are the WORST parents in the entire world."         SLAM- "Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door" - Yeah right, I DID mean to slam it!!!-     "What? Huh, I didn't say anything, I said 'I love you guys'"

"Wait! Dad, you are kidding me right? RIGHT? Did you really paddle your board over to a group of my guy friends out in the water, and ask which one was my boyfriend and then introduce yourself to him? Please tell me you are joking!............Yes it is a big deal..........I am going to kill myself. "  - SLAM- Door slams, "ha ha, let them think I'm in my room actually causing harm to myself".........................."umm, how come they are not checking on me?"..........."Don't they care?".....................UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

"Seriously Mom, when you pick my friends and I up from the mall, do we have to listen to Joan Baez, or Joni Mitchell, or the Neville Brothers, or whatever else you listen to? I am bringing my Kid n Play, or Rob Base cassette tapes!......Fine, compromise with my Pretty in Pink Soundtrack! Your music is so embarrassing, it is probably killing my friends ears."

Parents are certainly the most embarrassing people walking the face of the earth. Just ask any teenager, and you will see that the census sways in the direction of 'Parents just should not exist'

The above quotes?  They are all things that ......................

That.......

That I......

That I have heard from.......

That I have heard from my.....

That I have heard from my own two ears.

That I have heard from my own two ears,

Coming out of ........

Coming out of my OWN TWO LIPS!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am the awful teen that spouted these words of hate and rebellion!

Spouting them vehemently from my own two lips!

What a wretched teen I was!

They were all from me.

Yup, sweet, wonderful daughter, J.R.!

I was a good kid, really not too bad, but gosh I could be a brat. A BIG GIANT BRAT!!!!! I loved my parents, and still do, more than anything in the entire world. But everything, and I mean everything, was embarrassing to me. I guess looking back on it, maybe I struggled with some self esteem issues. Always doubting what was cool, what would be accepted. I wish I could go back in time and give the teenage me a bit more confidence. I was not unpopular, I was not unattractive, I was not anything that could be looked at as negative for a teen.In fact, I was semi popular. Dipping one foot in with the Uber popular kids, and one foot in to the wading pool of semi popular. Not too shabby actually.  I think I was just plain and simply a TEEN! That is it. 

Nowadays, I am pretty sure about myself. I am not really lacking in self confidence, other than the occasional normal stuff. 

These days my parents do not embarrass me, just for the fact that they are breathing.In fact I love and appreciate them so much, that to say they ever embarrassed me nowadays would almost feel sacrilegious, ungrateful, down right awful. When I was a teen, they were not even able to breathe-Good lord, how dare they breathe or exist? Geez! Don't they know I have my teenage life and reputation to uphold. But now I need, love, and admire them so much that they better keep on breathing. Dammit, don't they know they have a daughter to keep on keeping on for?

But what I have actually come to the realization of is this- My parents are actually considered to be 'Cool'! Don't tell them that though, don't need any big heads goin on. They are not, nor were they ever cool in the way of being 'those parents'. You know, the ones that let you drink, stay out all night, cover for you, and help you roll your first joint.When you are young, those are the 'Cool' parents. I would hear rumors of 'Those' parents existing, and think 'Why was I not born to them'?

Or those other kind of 'Cool Parents'- The rich ones! My mom did not take me shopping every weekend like other moms, and I did not have a wardrobe that was to die for thanks to my 'super young fashionable rich' mom. My dad wasn't the kind of 'Daddy' that made me out to be 'Daddy's Princess', buying me a car for my 16th Birthday or lavishing me with gifts,money, and material items. My mom did not wear makeup, or understand my need for getting to the drugstore because I was out of mousse, and that is considered an emergency for a girl with a spiral perm. 

I would not realize until years later, and I would run into people from high school, that my parents were just cool, because........well, just because they were just plain COOL! 

My dad is a wonderful man. Honest, true, kind hearted, dependable, responsible, loving, caring and kind. Not to mention he is a surfer! He has surfed at the same beach since he was a kid, and is definitely a respected local. But most of all, my dad loves me! He never made me feel less than. He never put unrealistic expectations on me. He never made me feel bad, guilty, or awful for mistakes that I made. My dad has always loved me unconditionally.

My mom is a wonderful woman. Nurturer, loving, caring, and kindness beyond belief. Neighborhood kids knew that they could bring baby birds that they found on the ground TO HER!. She would feed it and take care of it. She was probably hipper, cooler, and more with it than I gave her credit for. I also have to say that maybe as a daughter, I was a bit harder to get along with than my brothers. Mothers and daughters just clash by nature. I, of course, am learning that now.My mom (like my dad) loves me one hundred percent UNCONDITIONALLY! And that is alot more than I can say for most parents.

I love my parents more than the sun, moon and stars! They don't embarrass me anymore.

They can't!

They just can't!

I am an adult!

I am secure!

I am confid.......

Confiden........

Confident!........

Oh, wait a minute!!

Oh Shit!!!

Wait, my mom is on Facebook!

My reputation!

DID SHE JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH MY 7th GRADE BOYFRIEND????

Ohhhhhhh Nooooooooo, She Di'int!

Oh My God!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

Did she just comment on my 7th grade boyfriends picture that he posted 2 years ago (meaning that she has been spending the day 'creeping' on his old albums')

O.M.G.!!!!!

My daughters accuse me all the time of being a 'Facebook Creeper'
Me?
Not me, I am a cool mom!
Geez!

I am a teenager all over again, only I am not a teenager.I am a mature adult who appreciates my parents. Who loves my parents. I am incapable of being embarrassed..........DAMMIT......DAMMIT...

It is hard being older and mature! 

This is what I woke up to.
This is what I logged on to Facebook and saw this morning.

J.R.s Facebook Wall

J.R.'s Mom- Made a comment on 'J.R.s childhood boyfriends photo'

 Comment to a picture my off and on junior high/high school boyfriend posted of himself from Junior High.A YEAR AGO!! MOM, You creepin much??
You just became friends with him 2. 5 hours ago woman! 

WOW! Thanks Mom! Love you too! Facebook is NOT private ya know! Your last name??? Well, it was my last name all through school...........Yup!!! Everyone will know who your 'winky face' is talking about!

Ugghhh

You are a Cool Mom
You are a Cool Mom
Everyone Likes you
Everyone Likes You
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths

Speed Dial Therapist
Speed Dial Therapist

Fuck , I don't have a Therapist
Xanax
Xanax

Xanax downed with Pear Cider

I don't have Xanax.......Ugghhh, I wish I did!

O.K. Deep Breaths.
Calming down
I'm Calm


You are a cool mom!

I'm sleepy


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* I called my mom this morning

My dad answered

I started off the conversation saying "Dad, you remember in junior high when you paddled your longboard over to ***** and said "Hi, I'm J.R.'s dad!Just wanted to introduce myself"

"Yes! How could I forget? I 'ruined your life' that day. What about it?

"Well, you need to tell my mother she's killin me! That woman is killin me!"

"What did your mom do?"

"She commented on *****'s photo on Facebook!"

"Oh, well I can't control what she does on Facebook. Here let me hand the phone to her."

I hear laughs, mumbles, and more laughs

They think this is funny??

"Mom?"

"Uh, Oh, what did I do?"

All of a sudden I didn't have the heart.

All of a sudden I did not want to lecture my mom on embarrassing me.

All of a sudden a thought came into the forefront of my brain.

All of the people over the years that have told me,mentioned to me, or confided in me how much they really liked my parents growing up.

Including ***** my junior high boyfriend.

My mom is cool!

She has lived a long life, and most of that life she has had to endure me.

So I can endure her.

Why?

Because I would never want to wake up to a day where I didn't have her to endure,

Or love.

Happy 4th of July Everybody!

Hello Officer, can I take a picture with all of your DUI checkpointy stuff?

B is driving! Not licensed on her own kind of driving,but learners permit, driving around town with mom kind of driving.

We had a crazy day at the DMV. When is the DMV not crazy??

Got her permit, waited in the parking lot of the Junior College in our city for her first session of behind the wheel training.

We waited
and waited

and
waited

and waited
(o.k. we only waited 3 minutes, but it seemed longer, and the driver wasn't there yet) 

Realized we were supposed to be waiting in the parking lot at a High School in the next town over.

Ooops, my bad!

Called the Community College Course Administrative office, and prayed they would answer...

Yes! They answered

"Ummmm, I am waiting for our instructor. Are we in the wrong parking lot?"

Few minutes on hold

"Yes, hello, you are not just in the wrong lot, you are at the wrong school"

SHIT WE ARE LATE!!
HAULING ASS FROM ONE PLACE TO THE NEXT!

ALL THE WHILE EXPLAINING-

"Don't ever drive like me!!!!!! We are just late, and I have to drive fast.....and run yellow lights.....and not make complete stops.....and ........ Just do what I say, not what I do!"

B's first 2 hour course runs smooth. The driving instructor gives me a few pointers on how to teach her while I am driving with her, we nod, and take off. I let her drive home,and she reminds me about the bonfire I am to drop her off at.

I think to myself:

ENOUGH with the F*ing Bonfires already!!! My teen girls are killing me with their summertime bonfires!

Drop her off at 6!

Pick her up at 9:30

(secretly get there at 9:15, park ever so stealthlike, spy on her and boyfriend to make sure there is no lifeguard tower makeout sessions going on)
*Oh, for my regular readers, Yes, B has a new boyfriend. He is actually quite nice. But even the nice ones want to do 'not nice' things with my daughter, so I will still take on the roll of being a blocker. And what am I blocking  you ask?
It rhymes with block! That is what I am blocking! Enough said!

Get caught trying to spy on her, but she gets caught when I ask
"Where is the fire, and where is the dad that was supposed to be there?"

The silent treatment goes on for about two minutes, until I say

"Hey, I forgot you had your permit! You drive home!"

"Me? O.K."

smiles

"Do you want to take the coast the whole way, then cut through the neighborhoods? Or do you want to take the coast part way, then try your hand at the O Boulevard. Practice with a bit of traffic, and street lights?"

"I'll take O Boulevard. Might as well"

"O.K. good!"

"Turn left here, stay in the right lane, when you come up over the hill, past the 7-eleven you will.............OH   MY    GOD! How funny......."

"WHAT??WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?? What are all of these cones??What is going on? What are all those lights? WHAT DO I DO?? WHAT DO I DO?? DO I STOP???"

"Oh My God B, welcome to your first DUI checkpoint! And this is a major one! O.K. slowly merge ov..... OVER......O.K. Well that wasn't really a merge, you didn't even look over your shoulder."

"I'm nervous!"

"Why? Are you drunk?"

"NO!! GOD!!!"


"I know honey, I'm kidding.Now just watch the cop ahead, he is going to wave each person through, but he may stop you. I have your permit right here. You would roll down the window, but I can lean over and talk if you want. OOOHHH, let me get my phone out. If he does talk with you, I'm gonna ask to take a picture."

"I'm freaking out. He's waving his light, what does that mean? Do I go? Do I stop?"

Needless to say she was not told to pull to the side. Our sobriety was not tested. I did not get a picture for her scrapbook. Does the scrapbook supply store even sell 'My First DUI Checkpoint' stickers, emblems, and supplies? 

I am surprised we were not asked to pull aside. You have a 15 1/2 year old who merged in the most illegal manner, about 10 feet from the checkpoint, and then again 10 feet after the checkpoint.All the while clutching the wheel, looking like a cracked out deer in headlights. You have a mom searching for her cell phone, all the while giggling like a hyena, and a 13 year old in the back seat rolling the window down to stick her head out and stare at all the drunks that were pulled over. 

"Darn, I really wanted to take a picture. I sooo wished he would have asked you to pull over"

"Mom, you are a freak!"

Fun times ahead for this mom, and her eager to drive daughter.

Fun times ahead.......................

* I started this post last Saturday morning. Since then we had a little scare with a panicked permit driver, 'accidentally' stepping on the gas instead of the brake. I may turn that moment into it's own post, or I may squash it. As of now she is a bit shaken, a bit embarrassed, and a bit worried that we are going to tell everyone about what happened.

No Honey!

I would never tell anybody that you gassed it, flew over the curb, and only pressed on the brake 2 inches before hitting the retaining wall next to the palm tree. I will not dedicate a post to that spine tingling, chilling moment where our lives flashed before our eyes, and I started to doubt letting you have your license. 

No, that is private family stuff.

You just keep practicing B. Six months of driving with your permit, and you are going to be a seasoned pro.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

Dear DMV,

Hi. My name is J.R. In six months I will be bringing my sweet, eager, anxious 16 year old daughter in to your office, where she will nervously be testing for her drivers license. I would like to ask you to please fail her. Fail her, and keep failing her! My life flashed before my eyes today, and I am starting to think that carpools, driving to and from bonfires, movie theaters, parties, shopping malls, and concerts is not so bad. I don't need her to drive herself. She can wait.

Don't be too harsh on her, but make it realistic, and never, ever tell her that I bribed you or paid you off. This is between you and me Mr. DMV driving tester guy! Our little secret!

Sincerely,

J.R.

Moms Against Teenagers Being Allowed to Drive

M.A.T.B.A.D.

o.k. the last three initials spell out B A D! BAD!! Is that a sign?

My Little Motley Crew of Children.....Don't you know that I know what you are doing?

This post is just going to be a list of things my kids do, that they think I don't notice,won't notice, don't understand, won't find out, or will just plain go over my head.

Maybe some of it does, but most of it doesn't.

Even if I am the only one who reads this post, I will atleast have record of it, so that when my kids are parents complaining about their teens sneaky ways, I can bust this out.

BAM!
IN YOUR FACE!

Look at all of the stuff you guys pulled!!!!

Now stop complaining!

PAYBACK IS A MOTHA !!!..

• When the time restrictions we have set on your cell phone cause it to turn off at 10 p.m. on school nights, DON'T for one second think that I can't hear you tip toeing downstairs to grab the house phone to continue your phone conversation with your boyfriend. BED AT TEN means BED AT TEN! I hear you! I know what you are doing! Now you wonder why the house phone is hidden??? Love you too honey ;)
• Those Brazilian Cut Bikini Bottoms I found hidden under a towel in your bathroom? They are about a centimeter away from being considered THONG bottoms! When I asked you where you got them, you gave me your best friends name. Really?! Your B.F.F.!! Couldn't think of a random friend? A friend that we don't think of as a daughter.A friend we don't care about? Can't you make up a name? Get with it girl!! And when I tell you to give them back to the B.F.F. (who must think highly of her bootie), and that they are never to grace your bottom again, don't try to STILL KEEP THEM!! Don't sneak and wear them anyway. We grew up in this beach town. Your grandfather is a surfer! We have spies up and down the coast!  I feel a one piece swimsuit punishment coming up........I have a cute one piece from Old Navy that I wore right after my pregnancy.YUP! That'll do just fine. 
• When it is your dish night, don't purposely "forget" to start the dishwasher, so that you won't have to put them away before bed. I know what you did! I will just make you do them the next day, not your sister!
• Don't try to trick me into thinking I forgot to give you allowance, just because you overheard me telling your dad that I have been really forgetful lately. Eavesdropping is RUDE! Tricking aging mothers?? Just plain AWFUL! What is my name again??
• Don't ask me if you can go stay the night at a friends house on a school night because 'you have to get your school project done'. I just checked the school website, and partners were not assigned for that report! I know it is just because Kaley has new makeup, and super cute clothes that you want to borrow! 
• Son, don't tell me that pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of your car are "my friends, I swear mom" Every time you come home, I pretend to take the trash out, but really I spend about 10 minutes peering through the windows of your car scanning the seats and floorboards for illegal substances,empty beer cans, condom wrappers, and cigarettes! You are 18, yes! But you are still my baby! Make good choices. They belong to a friend MY ASS!
• Don't tell me that the parents are going to be at this end of the year party. The party you just informed me about. The party that is taking place at your "Super Cool" new friends house; which,by the way, shouldn't I have heard of this 'good friend'? New friends scare me!  A 23 year old, older brother is not parental supervision. What? What's that? How did I know about that? Well, I keep telling you nothing is private when you put it on Facebook! 
• And you, my little five year old. I know you have teen siblings, but don't use them as an excuse for everything. 'B made me laugh mama, and that is why I can't clean my room!' Ummm, what? That doesn't even get an 'A' for effort. That gets an 'F' for Fricking Ridiculous! That excuse is just plain sad. Weeping into my pillow sad! Learn better from your older siblings little girl. Take better notes on the art of lying, teenage trickery, and fooling your parents. But then after you take all of those notes..

THROW THEM IN THE TRASH!

They won't work!


WHY?

I was a teen also.

Times were different, but the drive for independence  is still the same!

You will test me,

and I will choose my battles.

Certain times I will let you learn your own lesson, but,

other times I will  bug you, nag you, lock you in your room if needed. 

Because I have been there, and when it comes down to it I want you to have fun!

I want you to have stories to tell!

I don't want to make this home a jail!

But I will protect your innocence and childhood for as long as I can.

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!

I love you so much that I may surprise you with that iphone you have been begging for.

WHY?

Because you are such a good kid!

Because I am such an awesome mom!

OH GOD, just kidding!
You are not that great of a kid, and I am not that awesome (well, I am a bit of an awesome mom..)

NOPE!

SORRY KID!

Because you will be driving soon. And with a smart phone we can install GPS, Parent/Child tracker, and that app I heard about that stops your phone from texting when your car is in motion.

But you can think it is just because I am an awesome mom! 

Yes, times sure are different!

The only thing to distract me when driving was deciding
which cassette tape to listen to.

Now do the dishes, grab me the scissors so I can cut up those bikini bottoms, let your super cool friend know that you will not be making the party, tell your boyfriend to start calling you earlier in the night (bedtime is at 10 for goodness sake), DO NOT smoke cigarettes, drink beer, do drugs,or have sex.
And you, my five year old! Please just pick up your Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops! Please, for the last time! PLEASE!! Oh, and don't think I won't look under your bed. That is not where your toys go!

I was a kid once too ;)

Happy Mothers Day!You know drive thrus are your second home when........

I love Healthy Food, my mom being a little ahead of her time in the health food department. Now Health food stores are on every corner. It is 'in' to be healthy, organic, buy your peanut butter from a store that makes it right there.
But......When I was young, we had to drive about a half hour to another town south of us to a little health food store, where my mom could torture supply our household with

Buckwheat Pancakes

Homemade Peanut Butter. No salt, no taste, just a 2 inch layer of oily stuff on top.

Bread with nuts, seeds, and other chokable food particles baked in.Wonder Bread was a sin!

Lentils, for whatever kind of concoction she could put lentils into,

Apple juice in a HUGE gigantic jar, and you had to shake it real well before serving, get all the mushy, chunky stuff that had sunk to the bottom mixed in properly.

BUT.......


I also LOVE fast food!


I just love it!

Fast food was not totally forbidden. Just not always allowed. I remember when we would actually get to visit the golden arches. Sweet Heaven! I would be in the backseat, my parents in the front. I would always ask for a cheeseburger, fries and a cok........ then I would get interrupted.

"We have apple juice at home. You don't need a Coke!"

DEFEAT!

MISERY!

I am not completely 'happy' now!
Only 75% of the Happy Meal was allowed!

Not happy to the fullest!

Once I was old enough to drive, or had my own money, you could not keep me away.

I now 'treat' my kids to fast food a little more than my mom did for me. But I will say, that she sure made up for it with other treats. Every once in a while, my mom would let me stay home from school............. just because. Much to the dismay of my dad. Sorry Dad. She would look out the window, sensing it was going to be a dreary day, and say 'why don't you stay home today? We could get out of the house, go for a drive. Snuggle!Whatever the day brings' 
You don't have to ask me twice!

I thank you mom! I thank you for your love,

your guidance,

your support,

your ability to always show patience, even when you were frustrated.

I love you despite the fact that you made a Anchovy Casserole one of the first times that my new, cool, popular best friend stayed the night. 

I love you despite the fact that you did not let me live off of cheeseburgers and soda.

I love you even though you did not understand that Guess and Esprit clothing would make me a happier teen.

I love you despite the fact that you did not let me buy the Madonna Like a Virgin cassette, and when Aunt J tried to buy it for me, you made her return it.

I love you despite the fact that I was the last of my friends to wear a bikini.

I love you despite the fact you would show up at my friends houses to bring me back home, because you changed your mind 'you cannot stay the night, I just have a weird feeling about what you girls are up to' 

Mostly Mom, I love you because you made me who I am today! 

I love you because you showed me more love and support than anyone on the face of this universe.

I love you Mom, because thanks to you I get complimented on my loving nature, my kindness towards others, and my ability to be a good mom.

Mom, you are a great mom!

I love you for you!

My kids love you because, due to the fact that I was traumatized in not being allowed to eat a ton of junk food, I am now trying to make it up to them in some twisted, weird, therapy needing, junk food desiring, post traumatic stress, french fry over spoiling lifestyle!! 

Thanks Mema!

Thanks Mema for not letting our Mama eat from those golden arches. It gave mom weird fast food issues, and she now spoils us with it.

You are the best Mema in the whole entire world!

Below is a Lincoln Log structure that Ki (my five year old) made the other day. She said it was a fast food restaurant. 

"Just like we do Mama"

"Hi J.R. Haven't seen you since yesterday. The usual? Say Hi to the kids for me"

* I do cook healthy for the record!Limiting the fast food intake, but sometimes, you just gotta do it! Sometimes, you just gotta give in. Sometimes you just need to slurp on that soda, and eat those greasy fries.

If you are a mother, have a mother, or know a mother! Happy Mothers Day.

As women, we are all Mother's. Whether we have actually had children or not. We have all 'mothered' somebody, somewhere, somehow! It is in our nature I think! So have a great day today!

Eat some fries, drink some Coke, and relax!

Happy Female Day! 

Don't ever say I'm not a fun mom! Would an un-fun mom do this?

The weather here in San Diego county is beautiful. Even in the winter, we are lucky. I'm not going to lie!


But we do get rain.
We have thunder.
We experience lightning.


When your daughter is on Spring Break, and has plans to go to the beach, but then those plans are thwarted by rain,

==Lots and LOTS of rain==

well what do you do? 

You give your daughter and her friend some ideas for a rainy day.

• Rent a movie
• Give each other makeovers
• Throw some rain ponchos on, and run up and down the street
• Bake something
• Uhhh, rent a movie

I get no response

I see blank stares

It is as if I have said "do some homework"

Oh well, I tried! I'm going to snuggle in my bed, while watching General Hospital and reading a book simultaneously. I love rainy days, especially on my days off.

Then I hear it........

The sound of a plan....

The sound of masterminding......

The sound of Imagination, driven by extreme boredom.....

I come out of my room to find this

l

Cover the stairs with blankets
Line the walls with pillows
Take the cushions off of the couch to pad the tile at the bottom
Grab a hamper
and
INSTANT AMUSEMENT!

What in the heck are you doing?

That is dangerous?

NO!

NO MORE!

"Moooommm!!! It's Fun!!!OH MY GOD MOM, You should try it!"

No Way!

No How!

Did I say 'No Way!No How!' ?
Was that me?
NO- 
that was un-fun mom
I am FUN mom!!

When you can't beat 'em
Join 'em








Oh, and after they got bored with their stair sliding idea,
they took one of mine


 

True Quotes


"Ummm, OMG, These ponchos don't match"
"This poncho hood is messing up my hair"
"Wait, let me look in the mirror first"
"Are we really gonna run around the neighborhood?What if we see someone we know?"
"Your poncho is cuter than mine"






*Sometimes it is fun to act like a kid.
Sometimes it is rewarding to be fun mom.
Sometimes I don't wanna beat 'em.
Sometimes I wanna join 'em.

Suzy the Meth Head gets a second chance at life. Thanks to my lack of blogging time.

I basically closed my eyes, scrolled down some old posts, and chose one to re-post.

Why?

I have been SUPER busy the past few weeks. Work, kids, husband, family. Birthday parties, and BBQ's on the weekends. Kid stuff on the weeknights.
A 5 year old who told me I wasn't coloring with her enough anymore. Ugghh, can my heart break anymore?
A 13 year old who just wants to talk at night.
A 15 year old who is mending a broken heart.
An 18 year old consuming my mind, because he is not making the wisest choices in his Senior Year. 2 1/2 more months to go kid, come the hell on!!
A husband who wants some 'alone time' with his wife.

Anyway, I just chose a random old post (from when my blog was still set to private, and I was just writing for myself) I wrote this on 8/3/2011.

I have a couple new posts in the works. And I will put some time aside for myself this weekend while my husband is in his fishing tournament. Crossin  my fingers he wins. Extra money around tax time is a bonus!

ENJOY...................

Suzy- Is she a meth head or a homemaker? Fact or Fiction?

So I was going to start blogging everyday! Hmmmm, what happened? LIFE happened. Oh, and also the fact that I am a lazy, procrastinator. (Slightly kidding)


I want to become a writer. I dream of it. I read books all the time, and as I'm reading, as I get sucked into the characters lives, and can think of nothing else but what is going to happen at the next page turn, somehow, my brain also thinks deeper. Deeper into how the author thought of these characters. Did the author have to research cancer, because in her book one of the main characters is dying from it? Did the author actually travel to the town of 'Beachport' to locate every convenience store, diner, used car lot, and hair salon, so that her scenic descriptions were true and correct? Or does the author just take people, places, personalities, situations, towns, and lives from her very own life and somehow twist, mold and shape it into 'fictional' characters?
I love to write- but I am having a hard time writing fiction. Because every person I start to write about turns into me. Or some element of me. Sometimes funnier than me, more outlandish than me. Stronger than me,a bad girl version of me. She may even be a meth head prostitute,( the complete opposite of me, I promise) but somehow if "Suzy" the meth head decides she is hungry, and I write about her stopping off at a McDonalds to buy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and  a large Dr. Pepper,but McDonalds won't take her coupon because it expired in 2010, and we are now in 2011, but how was poor Suzy to know. I mean her purse is a mess, with all of the receipts, gum wrappers, post it notes, grocery lists, and just plain junk, so she begs the guy at the drive thru to take it, because she only has three dollars, her ATM card is MIA, and her daughter is in the car seat crying. Not to mention she is late to pick up her other kids from school (and if she is late to get them, even by 30 seconds, the texts start coming, and they come FULL FORCE. "Mooommm, are you coming? Where are you? OMG!! ") And Suzy is just so hungry, and all she wanted was to treat herself to a Quarter Pounder, sit in her car, scarf it down, then go home and start doing laundry and helping with homework. Well folks,I've just incorporated myself into Meth Head Suzy.I love, love, love Quarter Pounders, I have definitely dealt with the embarrassment of handing over an expired coupon to a clerk, just because I was trying to rid my purse of the heap of trash, consuming its every pocket, one mangled coupon at a time.About my purse, Oh good lord, you should see my purse. I just won a game at a baby shower where you had to go down a checklist of miscellaneous items, and you got so many points if you could prove you had all of these items in your purse. Not only did I win, but I actually won the bonus points for the "extreme item" I mean who does not have their daughters baby teeth in a ziploc bag at the bottom of their Louis Vuitton? I was on my way to run upstairs and hide them, but my daughter came out of her room, so I panicked and stuffed them in my purse. Just having a busy week, not enough time in the day to take them out and put them away.
Wow, I have really gone off subject. The point is, I even found a way of turning Suzy Meth Head into Suzy Homemaker. So it starts off one way, but all in all, it's me!! I have a busy life, and it makes for some GREAT stories. So I am starting to second guess my life choice of wanting to be a writer.
Stand Up Comedian specializing in the tales of my life! THAT'S IT!! That may be my new venture. Now to just get over this increasing daily anxiety that is starting to plague my every move. I would definitely have to be drugged up with some perfectly legal prescription pills before I could get my butt up on a stage.
Oooooh. Kkkkk. So maybe stand up won't be my thing. Back to writing.......let the creative juices start flowin! Wish me luck ;)   Oh, one more thing, I do not,nor have I ever owned a Louis Vuitton. Suzy the Meth head might have gotten one as a present from her pimp, but I don't have one. This Mama's way, way to thrifty for that.

When all else fails, fill em up with booze!

So one of my best friends had decided months ago that she was going to try her hand in home sales. Skincare to be exact. She knows how I feel about home sales. The feeling is not a positive one. Years ago I tried my hand in selling Mary Kay cosmetics.I was coerced! I will just leave it at that.

Well, actually I will leave it at this-

I bought stock to have on hand, because they told me to

They also told me I was going to have a pink car someday.

I had 2 parties.

I did not sell enough to get a car.

I was left with $1,500.00 worth of 'stock'.

It was not easy to get my money back.

In fact I never got my money back.

So yes, Home Sales has left a bad taste in my mouth. 

Real bad........

Like rotten sour cream, mixed with ca ca doo doo bad!

But.........

Because I am a supportive friend, I tried her product.

I am NOT a product person. 

I wash my face with whatever is around.

Sometimes splurging on Olay face wash for $8.99 a bottle, and Olay moisturizer for $7.99

I tried her product, liked it, and agreed to support her by hostessing a party.

This product is a bit pricey, but it really can sell itself.

Plus everyone who knows me well, knows that I won't hostess one of these parties unless I truly like something. So that was a selling point right there!

So I told my BFF that I would invite everyone I know, and if they come, they come. I can't guarantee anything.

But I did have a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.

WINE!!!!!

Who in the hell is drinking water?
Get those people out of here. We only want wine drinkers with credit cards.
This is only one counter. There was another counter with a couple more bottles.

And when wine isn't making them whip out their cash, checkbooks, or credit cards fast enough.

I pull out the big guns. 

Anything for a friend.

You know, being supportive and all..........

What? What do you mean you think you can't afford the whole anti-aging kit right now.
Oh, your husband would kill you if you purchase anything?
Oh my gosh, I totally understand.
Here, come have a shot with me.
Oh, and did I mention this skincare line really works wonders.
Oh yeah!
Here, another shot.
Oh my goodness, I can see your skin glowing already just from the demonstration sample they gave you.
Here, have another.......

From across the room, I see my best friend.

I give her a wink and a smile. As if to say

I got your back girl. I will get your business up -n- running in no time! 

* Party was a success. Shots were actually not needed.

Wine did the trick. 

She got a couple of good orders.

I was a supportive friend.

I have taken care of my hostessing duties for the year.

I gave my friend a little help in her early stages of what will hopefully be a successful career for her. Just because it didn't work for me, does not mean it won't work for her.

For as long as there are BevMo's, Liquor stores, or Backwoods Moonshine (depending on where you live)

There will always be intoxicated impulse purchasing.
And that, my friends, is my approach to marketing.

Hmmmm, maybe I should bring that up at our next meeting at work.

Me: "I have an idea for our marketing department"

Boss: "O.K. Let's hear it"

Hey Mom, can we make SLUTTY brownies?

K, 13 year old daughter: "Hey mom, can we make slutty brownies?"

Me: "What?"

K: "S L U H- T E E Brownies"

Me: "Oh, Ooooo Kkkkkk. What are SLUTTY Brownies? Do they get all the boys?"  I laugh alone....

K: "My friend Syd made them this weekend. She said they are soooooooo good. Easy, and 'filthy', that is why they are called slutty brownies"

Me: "I hate the word Slut. I mean just because a woman has sex with a few guys, they get called sluts. A man on the other hand, they are STUDS!! Such double standards in this world!"

K: "Ooooo Kkkkk, well, can you get the ingredients so I can make them, orrrrrr......"

Me: "What are the ingredients? And back to the slut thing....... I mean, there are girls that are probably too promiscuous, but guys?? I mean they don't get any of the backlash. Not that it is o.k. to be a slut, I mean I never want you to be a slut, but...........if after you are a grown woman, you decide to...... well........ Just always be strong, confident, don't ever let ANYONE, man or woman, make you feel less than! You understand me?? Woman are powerful beings, and we need to overcome the stereotypes of the world, and furthermore............."

K: "Ummmm, you are a spaz mom! Seriously! Here, come over here to my laptop, here is the picture of the brownies"

Me: "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! Those look sooooooooooooo good! Print out what we need!" - I totally forget about any sort of lecture, speech, or mommy-isms. I just want these baked, and in my tummy,NOW!

K: "Are you going to the store now?"

Me: "YES! I have a sweet tooth, and those will do just fine!"

K: "Awesome"

This recipe is all over the internet. I just typed in Slutty Brownies. Not only does the recipe appear on Blogs, Pinterest, and other random sites, it actually comes up on the Duncan Hines website. I wonder how Mr. Duncan, or Mr. Hines feels about that. If for some reason a prudish person complains, they could call it:

People Pleaser Brownies

I mean isn't that what a slut really is?

A People Pleaser?

Nothin wrong with that 

As long as she isn't barkin up my hubby's tree. Oh, and as long as my daughters don't turn out to be "People Pleasers", well I mean keep it to a minimum level......after you are in your twenties.........and you are safe about it............ nothing where a notepad is needed to keep names straight........... I mean......ugghh, double standards are tough to ignore....... 

JUST STAY VIRGINS FOREVER!!!! Don't Please ANYBODY!!

Anyway.......back to my podium speech

For if there were no "People Pleasers",

there may not have been this recipe.

So thank you 'People Pleasers'

Thank you from the bottom of my sweet toothed little heart!
You have inspired a recipe, for which millions of amateur bakers give thanks!

This one's for you

*I really did make these this weekend. Seriously soooooo flipping YUMMY!! And yes, SOOOOOOO EASY!!!!! EASY, and it will certainly 'please' any sweet tooth you may have.

Try 'em out.

I put a scoop of vanilla ice cream and drizzled some hot fudge over them. 

Of course I paid with a bit of a tummy ache the next morning, but hey, so worth it! 

Next week we are making Skanky Ho appetizers, and Whore Soup. 

Or, their new given name

Appetite for Love appetizers & Spreading Some Joy Soup.