Friday, July 13, 2012

One of my best friends and her husband tried to kill me!!!

I am pretty much a small framed woman. Genes, high metabolism, whatever. But do not.......I repeat, DO NOT JUDGE ME BY THAT!!!! DO NOT BE ENVIOUS!!!!WHY????

I AM THE MOST OUT OF SHAPE HUMAN BEING YOU WILL EVER COME ACROSS and I proved it yesterday on a bike ride with my girlfriend, and her husband. All seriousness, it was the most humiliating experience ever.

Well, maybe not the most humiliating. But that is for a post to come.

The bike ride that proved to me that they are secretly plotting to kill me. I am not sure what they would get out of killing me. Can B.F.F.'s take insurance policies out on one another? I don't think so.
Maybe they thought it would be fun. Maybe my friend doesn't really like me, or enjoy my company as much as I thought she did. I have been fooled this whole time, thinking that she loved me. Thinking that her husband liked me.

I was wrong! Heart attack is what they had in store for me! Make it look like a 'natural death' was their plan!

It all started with mine and my husbands idea to call them and ask them if they'd like to meet us down at a local dive bar. Dive bar? YES! Best Cheeseburgers in town? DEFINITELY YES!

Too long of story, change of events, etc. to explain why my husband wound up NOT being able to go, and I wound up still talking my friend and her husband into going, but it happened.

Then I get a text from my friend saying:

Let's just ride our bikes down there. Then we don't have to worry about drinking and driving.


We have an extra beach cruiser for you. Just drive down to our house, and we will ride from here. That way you won't have to ride your bike up 2 hills on the way home. Just 1.
I live one street up the hill- I could shout to her from my house.

O.K. Sounds good!

What happens next is where the pre-meditated murder of a friend ALMOST happens!

We ride downhill to the bar.

We eat the most delicious, greasy, yummy burger, slathered in ortega chiles, cheese, and onions.
We dip our onion rings in ranch, put money in the juke box, and I drink 2 pear ciders.

We decide we are done for the night, that was fun, we should do it more often, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

This is when I start to see the evil glimmer in their eyes. The looks, the exchanges they give one another as we are putting on our sweatshirts and getting ready to ride back home in the beautiful, summer night air.

Flat ground at first, I am doing fine! This is kinda fun! Like being a teenager again. The breeze in my hair. Riding and laughing!

But slowly, my breathing starts to get a little heavy. Breathing turns into panting. The flat ground is starting to incline. What is happening to me? What is going on?

I am ........having.........a .......hard ..................................time..........................................Brea........thing...........................!!

You O.K. J.R.? - 
Did I just detect a hint of laughter in her voice?

Friends Husband:
J.R. you alright? Are you really having that hard of a time?- 
Is he laughing at me too?

Do you want to wait at the bottom of the hill, and we can ride our bikes home, and come back and get you?

OMG that would be pathetic!!! I can make it!!!!! - 
I think! Actually I think I am dying! Paranoia is setting in. They are plotting against me! 

Look at them up there! Ridiculing me! Acting supportive, but secretly high fiving at their almost success of my demise!

I have not had to ride up this hill since I was young,as I actually grew up in the house 3 doors down from them. But strange thing.........I don't think I have the energy I had when I was young! HOW IN THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Is this what Heaven Looks Like? Am I alive? Did my heart just pump out of my chest? What is my name? I need water!!!

The Red One is mine! Pretty and shiny! It is 5 years old! Barely ridden. I think I need to change that!
I officially am stepping into action!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE officially starts NOW!!!!

* I have an active mind. I grew up at the beach. Loved boogie boarding as a kid, running or riding my bike all over with my friends. As an adult, I have a competitive streak to me. I want to be good at whatever I try. We used to go to the desert, riding dirt bikes, until my husband crashed bad, and then so did I. I was on a girls ride, and went over my handle bars. Tore my rotator cuff. If I go bowling I want to be the best. If I play ladderball while camping, I want to be the best.
But being small framed my whole life, made me think I was a little more invincible to health issues.
Boy was I wrong!
I am almost 40 now!
I am not in my 20's anymore!
I cannot keep taking pride in the fact that I can 'eat whatever I want' and not really gain too much weight.
It really isn't 'cute' or 'funny' anymore!
This evening of cardiac arrest proved it to me!

Walks through the neighborhood, HERE I COME!
My life, my kids, and my health are too important!

But I will start after this weekend! We are going camping, and I just realized I bought pretty much every bit of junk food that you can imagine!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE starts next week! Promise!

Have a terrific, fun, wonderful, HEART HEALTHY weekend everybody!

* And to my friend and her hubby!
I'm watching you......
I've got my eyes on you.....
I've wised up...
Mmmmmm, Hmmmmmm! YUP!!

Monday, July 2, 2012

OH MY GOD - I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!


"You ruined my LIFE!"

"You are soooooooooooo embarrassing!No other parents do that!"

"******'s mom buys her whatever clothes she wants!"

"*****'s parents just took her to Contempo Casuals and bought her a new cropped shirt! Why can't you be like them?"

"What?? WHAT??? You said 'hi' to the boy I like???I'm NEVER going to school again! EVER!!!"

"Drop me off at the corner! The cor.....what?? What are you doing? Why are you pulling up in front of the school? I said the cooooorrrrrnnnnnneeeerrrrrr.............Ugggggghhhhh! So embarrassing!"

"Mom, are you seriously going to pull over and ask that kid if he wants a ride? WHY? He is in my math class, and he is a weirdo? I don't care if it's raining, you are soooo EMBARRASSING!!"

"Why are you waving at them?Soooooo embarassing!"

"On restriction? Are you serious? There is a HUGE party on Friday and everybody is going! I swear I will never roll my eyes or talk back to you again!I promise! I am so sorry......You are the best parents in the world...........Can't I get off restriction on Thursday? What? WHY?......You are the WORST parents in the entire world."         SLAM- "Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door" - Yeah right, I DID mean to slam it!!!-     "What? Huh, I didn't say anything, I said 'I love you guys'"

"Wait! Dad, you are kidding me right? RIGHT? Did you really paddle your board over to a group of my guy friends out in the water, and ask which one was my boyfriend and then introduce yourself to him? Please tell me you are joking!............Yes it is a big deal..........I am going to kill myself. "  - SLAM- Door slams, "ha ha, let them think I'm in my room actually causing harm to myself".........................."umm, how come they are not checking on me?"..........."Don't they care?".....................UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

"Seriously Mom, when you pick my friends and I up from the mall, do we have to listen to Joan Baez, or Joni Mitchell, or the Neville Brothers, or whatever else you listen to? I am bringing my Kid n Play, or Rob Base cassette tapes!......Fine, compromise with my Pretty in Pink Soundtrack! Your music is so embarrassing, it is probably killing my friends ears."

Parents are certainly the most embarrassing people walking the face of the earth. Just ask any teenager, and you will see that the census sways in the direction of 'Parents just should not exist'

The above quotes?  They are all things that ......................


That I......

That I have heard from.......

That I have heard from my.....

That I have heard from my own two ears.

That I have heard from my own two ears,
Coming out of ........

Coming out of my OWN TWO LIPS!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am the awful teen that spouted these words of hate and rebellion!
Spouting them vehemently from my own two lips!

What a wretched teen I was!

They were all from me.

Yup, sweet, wonderful daughter, J.R.!

I was a good kid, really not too bad, but gosh I could be a brat. A BIG GIANT BRAT!!!!! I loved my parents, and still do, more than anything in the entire world. But everything, and I mean everything, was embarrassing to me. I guess looking back on it, maybe I struggled with some self esteem issues. Always doubting what was cool, what would be accepted. I wish I could go back in time and give the teenage me a bit more confidence. I was not unpopular, I was not unattractive, I was not anything that could be looked at as negative for a teen.In fact, I was semi popular. Dipping one foot in with the Uber popular kids, and one foot in to the wading pool of semi popular. Not too shabby actually.  I think I was just plain and simply a TEEN! That is it. 

Nowadays, I am pretty sure about myself. I am not really lacking in self confidence, other than the occasional normal stuff. 
These days my parents do not embarrass me, just for the fact that they are breathing.In fact I love and appreciate them so much, that to say they ever embarrassed me nowadays would almost feel sacrilegious, ungrateful, down right awful. When I was a teen, they were not even able to breathe-Good lord, how dare they breathe or exist? Geez! Don't they know I have my teenage life and reputation to uphold. But now I need, love, and admire them so much that they better keep on breathing. Dammit, don't they know they have a daughter to keep on keeping on for?

But what I have actually come to the realization of is this- My parents are actually considered to be 'Cool'! Don't tell them that though, don't need any big heads goin on. They are not, nor were they ever cool in the way of being 'those parents'. You know, the ones that let you drink, stay out all night, cover for you, and help you roll your first joint.When you are young, those are the 'Cool' parents. I would hear rumors of 'Those' parents existing, and think 'Why was I not born to them'?
Or those other kind of 'Cool Parents'- The rich ones! My mom did not take me shopping every weekend like other moms, and I did not have a wardrobe that was to die for thanks to my 'super young fashionable rich' mom. My dad wasn't the kind of 'Daddy' that made me out to be 'Daddy's Princess', buying me a car for my 16th Birthday or lavishing me with gifts,money, and material items. My mom did not wear makeup, or understand my need for getting to the drugstore because I was out of mousse, and that is considered an emergency for a girl with a spiral perm. 

I would not realize until years later, and I would run into people from high school, that my parents were just cool, because........well, just because they were just plain COOL! 

My dad is a wonderful man. Honest, true, kind hearted, dependable, responsible, loving, caring and kind. Not to mention he is a surfer! He has surfed at the same beach since he was a kid, and is definitely a respected local. But most of all, my dad loves me! He never made me feel less than. He never put unrealistic expectations on me. He never made me feel bad, guilty, or awful for mistakes that I made. My dad has always loved me unconditionally.

My mom is a wonderful woman. Nurturer, loving, caring, and kindness beyond belief. Neighborhood kids knew that they could bring baby birds that they found on the ground TO HER!. She would feed it and take care of it. She was probably hipper, cooler, and more with it than I gave her credit for. I also have to say that maybe as a daughter, I was a bit harder to get along with than my brothers. Mothers and daughters just clash by nature. I, of course, am learning that now.My mom (like my dad) loves me one hundred percent UNCONDITIONALLY! And that is alot more than I can say for most parents.

I love my parents more than the sun, moon and stars! They don't embarrass me anymore.
They can't!

They just can't!

I am an adult!

I am secure!

I am confid.......



Oh, wait a minute!!

Oh Shit!!!

Wait, my mom is on Facebook!

My reputation!


Ohhhhhhh Nooooooooo, She Di'int!

Oh My God!



Did she just comment on my 7th grade boyfriends picture that he posted 2 years ago (meaning that she has been spending the day 'creeping' on his old albums')


My daughters accuse me all the time of being a 'Facebook Creeper'
Not me, I am a cool mom!

I am a teenager all over again, only I am not a teenager.I am a mature adult who appreciates my parents. Who loves my parents. I am incapable of being embarrassed..........DAMMIT......DAMMIT...

It is hard being older and mature! 

This is what I woke up to.
This is what I logged on to Facebook and saw this morning.

J.R.s Facebook Wall

J.R.'s Mom- Made a comment on 'J.R.s childhood boyfriends photo'

 Comment to a picture my off and on junior high/high school boyfriend posted of himself from Junior High.A YEAR AGO!! MOM, You creepin much??
You just became friends with him 2. 5 hours ago woman! 

WOW! Thanks Mom! Love you too! Facebook is NOT private ya know! Your last name??? Well, it was my last name all through school...........Yup!!! Everyone will know who your 'winky face' is talking about!


You are a Cool Mom
You are a Cool Mom
Everyone Likes you
Everyone Likes You
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths

Speed Dial Therapist
Speed Dial Therapist

Fuck , I don't have a Therapist

Xanax downed with Pear Cider

I don't have Xanax.......Ugghhh, I wish I did!

O.K. Deep Breaths.
Calming down
I'm Calm

You are a cool mom!

I'm sleepy


* I called my mom this morning
My dad answered
I started off the conversation saying "Dad, you remember in junior high when you paddled your longboard over to ***** and said "Hi, I'm J.R.'s dad!Just wanted to introduce myself"

"Yes! How could I forget? I 'ruined your life' that day. What about it?

"Well, you need to tell my mother she's killin me! That woman is killin me!"

"What did your mom do?"

"She commented on *****'s photo on Facebook!"

"Oh, well I can't control what she does on Facebook. Here let me hand the phone to her."

I hear laughs, mumbles, and more laughs

They think this is funny??


"Uh, Oh, what did I do?"

All of a sudden I didn't have the heart.

All of a sudden I did not want to lecture my mom on embarrassing me.

All of a sudden a thought came into the forefront of my brain.

All of the people over the years that have told me,mentioned to me, or confided in me how much they really liked my parents growing up.
Including ***** my junior high boyfriend.

My mom is cool!
She has lived a long life, and most of that life she has had to endure me.
So I can endure her.


Because I would never want to wake up to a day where I didn't have her to endure,

Or love.

Happy 4th of July Everybody!