Gettin jumped by my husband............NOoooo silly!! Not in that way!

Question:

What is more embarrassing than having your car NOT start after dropping your daughter off at Kindergarten???????????

Answer:

Having your car NOT start, only to make obnoxious clicking / grinding sounds right in front of the PTO program sign up table!!!! Then you have to wait 30 minutes for your husband (god love him) who has to leave work as a General Contractor (a.k.a. sometimes dirty clothed construction worker) and come jump your uncooperative car!

Nothin like a bunch of PTO moms staring at you like "who is the loser with the NON starting car?"

*Disclaimer.Nothin but love for PTO moms! I have been a PTO mom with my older kids, and now that I have one back in elementary I will probably somehow get sucked in again. Nothin against them, but definitely not one of them yet. They are a new breed. I have not been at that school in a while. I had one of them ask me in a 'I am the PTO President' Kind of tone "Oh, are you a newww mom here?"

What I wished I could say if my alter ego, Drunk J.R. was talking, "Bitch, Please!!!! Are you F*ing kidding me? Am I NEW here??!!!! I have lived in this neighborhood since I was 4. I F*ing went to school here, my husband went to school here. My 18 year old, 15 year old, and 14 year old went to school here.I used to help with the Spirit Wear, and was co- leader on the Auction Dinner Committee. It's been a few years, but now I am a Kindergarten mom once again, so you'd better hang onto your PTO PRESIDENT Title, cuz I'm a comin for it!!!!!!!!!!!!" - joke! I soooo don't want that title. But Drunk J.R. would try to take it just for fun.Drunk J.R. doesn't show up drunk to school,so I won't have to worry about her signing me up for committees, groups and such. Thank God! 

What I actually said, since Drunk J.R. only exists about twice a month, and the real J.R. is a people pleasing, sweet as pie, kind of gal- "Oh, no, I'm not technically new. It's been a few years, but now I have a Kindergartener again. Thank you for asking though. Oh, by the way, my name is J.R., what is yours? Perfect Patty? Oh, nice to meet you Perfect Patty! Well, golly gee, see you around"

Drunk J.R. tries to overtake my blog sometimes, but those usually get erased by morning time. If you are an insomniac, (or different time zone) you may get lucky about once a month.

Question: 

Want to know what is more embarrassing than your car NOT starting in front of Perfect Patty,Bake Sale Betty, and Super Suzy? 

Answer:

Calling your boss to say you would be late because  - "I am waiting for my husband to come jump me"

Made it home after he charged the battery, only to have it die right before pulling into driveway. 

Good Bye Fallen Car Part! You were a brave soul!

Good Day Folks! Car is fixed, and now I can go into work..........late........because............................ my husband did the dirty deed!!! Nooooooo, not that dirty deed, good lord! Got his hands dirty with grease, oil and stuff! New Alternator Installed!

And $167.00 dollars, and 2 hours later. Hello Mr. Alternator. Welcome to your new family. Don't let me down, and if you do.... Please not in front of anybody!

Soooo, apparently when I drink a bit too much, I turn into a Hip Hop Rap Reciting, Bad Ass! This is a beautiful post about Friendship and Ridin Dirty.

I am not a bad ass
I am not confrontational
I don't like Hip Hop and Rap......O.K., that is a lie. I do like it. I love all music. I really do.

When I drink, my husband has now been ordered to ban all electronic devices from within my reach.

Remember Drunk Dialing?

That is a thing of the past.

Now it is 

Drunk Facebooking

Drunk Tweeting

Drunk Blogging

Too many options for my ridiculousness to shine!

For the few that were able to read my drunk blog before I erased it, thanks for your comments.But that drunk blog, was nothing,and I mean NOTHING compared to the evil indulgence that I posted as my status updates on Facebook. 

* and let me tell you, and I know you all don't know me extremely well, but please believe me. I post on Facebook about once a month. Maybe not even that. But anger posting on Facebook?????UGGHH I don't do it! 

With that being said-

A HUGE Shout out to my Best Friend who knows me all too well.

I will give a recap of last Saturday Night:

Me: Gulp, Gulp! Yum, these Margaritas are yummy!

Gulp Gulp, oh, Honey, would you make me another one?

Gulp, pssshhhhppwwww! GOD that is strong, why did you make this one so strong?

Husband: "Hoping to get lucky"

Me: Hopin to get puked on is what is really gonna happen!

Gulp, Gulp! YUM!! I'm getting used to the strong factor

Gulp, Gulp

Husband: "I'm heading upstairs babe. Wink, Wink, Meet me up there."

15 minutes pass before I make it upstairs.

Me: Honey...........Honey.......... You sleepin? 

Oh well, I guess I will log on Facebook before goin to sleep.
Uggghhhh, My head is buzzeddddd. Actually I feel a bit drunk! 

Ugghhh, I just started thinking about 'HER'

The only 'HER' in the world that I HATE dislike in an intense way!

I'm gonna write about it on Facebook.

FACEBOOK:

Status Update:wioeoaihioaehfidhfkajfkasjf  fuck you bitch aaaidfhadiofh asdifj asdfka f you suck

akldfjkajfkdjfkajdf  complete lyrics to a Hip Hop Song

They See Me Rollin.......... They Hatin..........Try to catch me ridin dirty.......

* which by the way , I was mumbling to my drunk self, 'Bitches Be Hatin' so I think that is where that  song came into my mind???!!!??? Who the Heck knows.

My eyes are closing, I'm going to log off. Oh, but, one more thing

Status Update: blah, blah , blah, You are a beach ball,I am a little stick. My little stick will hit you down the beach. Blah, Blah, Blah!!!!!!!!!!

*More mumbles, and words, some I cannot even remember, or want to repeat.

Some were quite genius, rhyming like Eminem, some of the words would have made Satan proud, but I would rather forget those words. So I will just write Blah, Blah , Blah! I am sure you all get the point.

Oh, one more thing

Status Update: I'm nice, you are not nice. You suck, I don't suck. You are mean

* these words, I really wrote. 

Log Off, Go To Sleep.

Oh, hold on!

Let me Tweet on my phone! I just installed the Tweet/Twitter app. 

Ohhhh, what should my drunk ass write??  Tweet??

"BITCHES BE HATIN"

Done!

Good Night!

Ring, Ring-

1:00 a.m my phone rings......WTF? My best friend, why is she calling me so late?

Me: Hey!!! WHAT'S WRONG? Everything o.k.?

Best Friend: Everything o.k.? Everything is o.k. with me, what the hell is wrong with you?

Me: Huh?

Best Friend:Your craziness on Facebook!!! Who in the hell are you mad at? And who do I need to come beat up?

 Me: Oh, Bitchface! I hate her! I so hate her! She is sooo mean!

Best Friend: O.K. well, call me in the morning, but first get out of bed, log onto your laptop, and ERASE all of your crazy ass posts! You will not be happy with yourself in the morning. Too many of your friends look up to you as being a non-drama, voice of reason. Erase it now! Then go to bed, and call me in the morning. I love you!

Me: You are right! I swear I only had 2 margaritas. I think M drugged me.....

Best Friend: M drugged you? You are insane! Go back to sleep....Erase those posts first though!!! And I am telling M he is never allowed to fall asleep first, and leave you unattended with social networks! Plus, who are you kidding? You are not kicking anyone's ass! I'd have to drive down there and do it for you!! And we are too old for that!

Me: I wrote that I wanted to kick ass?? Oh.... yeah, I did write that.

Best Friend:  Yeah, you are apparently channeling your inner Dr. Seuss meets Snoop Dogg. 

Just be glad I have insomnia, and was able to catch your dumb ass before everyone else in the world woke up and read your posts. 

By the way, if it ever happens again, we will just tell people your facebook got hacked!

*That is why I love her. She is quick with the excuses! 

GOOD NIGHT!!

GOOD NIGHT!!

So a Public Service Announcement to all.

Eat, Drink and be Merry!

Do NOT!

Under any circumstances,

ever, NEVER, EVER,

Eat, Drink and Post, Tweet, or Blog!

Well, let me re-phrase that.

Never, Ever

Eat, Drink and Post, when you have pent up anger over a really, super duper mean lady!