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Monday, May 21, 2012

My Little Motley Crew of Children.....Don't you know that I know what you are doing?

This post is just going to be a list of things my kids do, that they think I don't notice,won't notice, don't understand, won't find out, or will just plain go over my head.

Maybe some of it does, but most of it doesn't.

Even if I am the only one who reads this post, I will atleast have record of it, so that when my kids are parents complaining about their teens sneaky ways, I can bust this out.

BAM!
IN YOUR FACE!
Look at all of the stuff you guys pulled!!!!
Now stop complaining!
PAYBACK IS A MOTHA !!!..

  • When the time restrictions we have set on your cell phone cause it to turn off at 10 p.m. on school nights, DON'T for one second think that I can't hear you tip toeing downstairs to grab the house phone to continue your phone conversation with your boyfriend. BED AT TEN means BED AT TEN! I hear you! I know what you are doing! Now you wonder why the house phone is hidden??? Love you too honey ;)
  • Those Brazilian Cut Bikini Bottoms I found hidden under a towel in your bathroom? They are about a centimeter away from being considered THONG bottoms! When I asked you where you got them, you gave me your best friends name. Really?! Your B.F.F.!! Couldn't think of a random friend? A friend that we don't think of as a daughter.A friend we don't care about? Can't you make up a name? Get with it girl!! And when I tell you to give them back to the B.F.F. (who must think highly of her bootie), and that they are never to grace your bottom again, don't try to STILL KEEP THEM!! Don't sneak and wear them anyway. We grew up in this beach town. Your grandfather is a surfer! We have spies up and down the coast!  I feel a one piece swimsuit punishment coming up........I have a cute one piece from Old Navy that I wore right after my pregnancy.YUP! That'll do just fine. 
  • When it is your dish night, don't purposely "forget" to start the dishwasher, so that you won't have to put them away before bed. I know what you did! I will just make you do them the next day, not your sister!
  • Don't try to trick me into thinking I forgot to give you allowance, just because you overheard me telling your dad that I have been really forgetful lately. Eavesdropping is RUDE! Tricking aging mothers?? Just plain AWFUL! What is my name again??
  • Don't ask me if you can go stay the night at a friends house on a school night because 'you have to get your school project done'. I just checked the school website, and partners were not assigned for that report! I know it is just because Kaley has new makeup, and super cute clothes that you want to borrow! 
  • Son, don't tell me that pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of your car are "my friends, I swear mom" Every time you come home, I pretend to take the trash out, but really I spend about 10 minutes peering through the windows of your car scanning the seats and floorboards for illegal substances,empty beer cans, condom wrappers, and cigarettes! You are 18, yes! But you are still my baby! Make good choices. They belong to a friend MY ASS!
  • Don't tell me that the parents are going to be at this end of the year party. The party you just informed me about. The party that is taking place at your "Super Cool" new friends house; which,by the way, shouldn't I have heard of this 'good friend'? New friends scare me!  A 23 year old, older brother is not parental supervision. What? What's that? How did I know about that? Well, I keep telling you nothing is private when you put it on Facebook! 
  • And you, my little five year old. I know you have teen siblings, but don't use them as an excuse for everything. 'B made me laugh mama, and that is why I can't clean my room!' Ummm, what? That doesn't even get an 'A' for effort. That gets an 'F' for Fricking Ridiculous! That excuse is just plain sad. Weeping into my pillow sad! Learn better from your older siblings little girl. Take better notes on the art of lying, teenage trickery, and fooling your parents. But then after you take all of those notes..

THROW THEM IN THE TRASH!



They won't work!


WHY?

I was a teen also.

Times were different, but the drive for independence  is still the same!

You will test me,
and I will choose my battles.
Certain times I will let you learn your own lesson, but,
other times I will  bug you, nag you, lock you in your room if needed. 
Because I have been there, and when it comes down to it I want you to have fun!
I want you to have stories to tell!
I don't want to make this home a jail!
But I will protect your innocence and childhood for as long as I can.

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!

I love you so much that I may surprise you with that iphone you have been begging for.

WHY?
Because you are such a good kid!
Because I am such an awesome mom!

OH GOD, just kidding!
You are not that great of a kid, and I am not that awesome (well, I am a bit of an awesome mom..)

NOPE!
SORRY KID!
Because you will be driving soon. And with a smart phone we can install GPS, Parent/Child tracker, and that app I heard about that stops your phone from texting when your car is in motion.

But you can think it is just because I am an awesome mom! 

Yes, times sure are different!
The only thing to distract me when driving was deciding
which cassette tape to listen to.

Now do the dishes, grab me the scissors so I can cut up those bikini bottoms, let your super cool friend know that you will not be making the party, tell your boyfriend to start calling you earlier in the night (bedtime is at 10 for goodness sake), DO NOT smoke cigarettes, drink beer, do drugs,or have sex.
And you, my five year old! Please just pick up your Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops! Please, for the last time! PLEASE!! Oh, and don't think I won't look under your bed. That is not where your toys go!

I was a kid once too ;)

8 comments:

  1. Hey stranger!
    I think this deserves framing and to be hung in multitudes around the house.
    What until they leave home- then they send texts at 1AM that include photos of the $500 eyeglasses you just bought him. Chewed beyond recognition by the puppy you told him not to get.
    These days? They are your "good ole days"! LOL

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    Replies
    1. WOW! Tina, I have not received those texts yet. But, does a text saying "hey mom, where did you get me those fake Ray Bans? Just want to know because I broke the ones you got me for Christmas. Or if you could just pick me up a new pair, I'll pay you back" - Yeah right you are going to pay me back. He knows I'm a sucker. 8 dollar fake Ray Bans I can handle. $500.....I'm sure that is my future. :)
      Hey Stranger! How was your tech free vacation?

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  2. Cassette tape? - showing your age JR.
    I love this post, makes me smile knowing someone else thinks the same thing. I remember in a movie I saw once a mum talking telling her teenager to get home before midnight...'yeah I know I'm being mean - well you can be mean to your daughter when you have one too!'.

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    1. Atleast I did not say 8 track tapes......Although, I do remember listening to my parents 8 track tape of the Beach Boys!

      I say that to my kiddos ALL THE TIME!!! 'When you have kids you can tell them what to do, But for now I'm telling YOU what to do!'

      I love knowing other moms think the same things. Always makes me smile;)

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  3. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post. EVERYTHING about it. So true and said with such love. You ARE an awesome mom!!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Mimi! I love loving comments ;) I am also glad you could feel the love through the words. They drive me insane, and I sometimes want to pull my hair out, but I do love them to death.
      It is fun to secretly giggle at all of the things they try to get away with, that I know I got away with. Even more hilarious when I look back and think I actually did worse.Shhhh, don't tell them!
      As always, thank you for your kind words.

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  4. Gemma's GirlMay 24, 2012 at 7:30 AM

    I have been waiting patiently for your next post and this morning my patience paid off!!! GREAT is the word that comes to mind. You've nailed it, yet again, with your keen sense of teen-speak and a nose that really knows! Doing the footwork in order to prevent our kids from , well, themselves is hard work and the hours a day are 24, while the days a week are 7. I know for a fact that I chose to put on blinders at times because I was lazy. Due diligence can wear a mom down. Exhaustion overcomes and you relax just a bit and BAM they go for it. Kids can sense it when we are at our weakest and when you've got a pack like you JR they can take you down before the second load of laundry! I love the way you think and your gift for writing what you think! Your quick wit and amazing sense of humor entertains me endlessly. I believe that the only thing that might be more hilarious than your written words is your timing and delivery of the spoken word. You should do stand up! Oh, yeah, about those cassette tapes. Those little fuckers can kill ya!

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    Replies
    1. Gemma, you speak from experience I believe ;)

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