My Little Motley Crew of Children.....Don't you know that I know what you are doing?

This post is just going to be a list of things my kids do, that they think I don't notice,won't notice, don't understand, won't find out, or will just plain go over my head.

Maybe some of it does, but most of it doesn't.

Even if I am the only one who reads this post, I will atleast have record of it, so that when my kids are parents complaining about their teens sneaky ways, I can bust this out.

BAM!
IN YOUR FACE!

Look at all of the stuff you guys pulled!!!!

Now stop complaining!

PAYBACK IS A MOTHA !!!..

• When the time restrictions we have set on your cell phone cause it to turn off at 10 p.m. on school nights, DON'T for one second think that I can't hear you tip toeing downstairs to grab the house phone to continue your phone conversation with your boyfriend. BED AT TEN means BED AT TEN! I hear you! I know what you are doing! Now you wonder why the house phone is hidden??? Love you too honey ;)
• Those Brazilian Cut Bikini Bottoms I found hidden under a towel in your bathroom? They are about a centimeter away from being considered THONG bottoms! When I asked you where you got them, you gave me your best friends name. Really?! Your B.F.F.!! Couldn't think of a random friend? A friend that we don't think of as a daughter.A friend we don't care about? Can't you make up a name? Get with it girl!! And when I tell you to give them back to the B.F.F. (who must think highly of her bootie), and that they are never to grace your bottom again, don't try to STILL KEEP THEM!! Don't sneak and wear them anyway. We grew up in this beach town. Your grandfather is a surfer! We have spies up and down the coast!  I feel a one piece swimsuit punishment coming up........I have a cute one piece from Old Navy that I wore right after my pregnancy.YUP! That'll do just fine. 
• When it is your dish night, don't purposely "forget" to start the dishwasher, so that you won't have to put them away before bed. I know what you did! I will just make you do them the next day, not your sister!
• Don't try to trick me into thinking I forgot to give you allowance, just because you overheard me telling your dad that I have been really forgetful lately. Eavesdropping is RUDE! Tricking aging mothers?? Just plain AWFUL! What is my name again??
• Don't ask me if you can go stay the night at a friends house on a school night because 'you have to get your school project done'. I just checked the school website, and partners were not assigned for that report! I know it is just because Kaley has new makeup, and super cute clothes that you want to borrow! 
• Son, don't tell me that pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of your car are "my friends, I swear mom" Every time you come home, I pretend to take the trash out, but really I spend about 10 minutes peering through the windows of your car scanning the seats and floorboards for illegal substances,empty beer cans, condom wrappers, and cigarettes! You are 18, yes! But you are still my baby! Make good choices. They belong to a friend MY ASS!
• Don't tell me that the parents are going to be at this end of the year party. The party you just informed me about. The party that is taking place at your "Super Cool" new friends house; which,by the way, shouldn't I have heard of this 'good friend'? New friends scare me!  A 23 year old, older brother is not parental supervision. What? What's that? How did I know about that? Well, I keep telling you nothing is private when you put it on Facebook! 
• And you, my little five year old. I know you have teen siblings, but don't use them as an excuse for everything. 'B made me laugh mama, and that is why I can't clean my room!' Ummm, what? That doesn't even get an 'A' for effort. That gets an 'F' for Fricking Ridiculous! That excuse is just plain sad. Weeping into my pillow sad! Learn better from your older siblings little girl. Take better notes on the art of lying, teenage trickery, and fooling your parents. But then after you take all of those notes..

THROW THEM IN THE TRASH!

They won't work!


WHY?

I was a teen also.

Times were different, but the drive for independence  is still the same!

You will test me,

and I will choose my battles.

Certain times I will let you learn your own lesson, but,

other times I will  bug you, nag you, lock you in your room if needed. 

Because I have been there, and when it comes down to it I want you to have fun!

I want you to have stories to tell!

I don't want to make this home a jail!

But I will protect your innocence and childhood for as long as I can.

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!

I love you so much that I may surprise you with that iphone you have been begging for.

WHY?

Because you are such a good kid!

Because I am such an awesome mom!

OH GOD, just kidding!
You are not that great of a kid, and I am not that awesome (well, I am a bit of an awesome mom..)

NOPE!

SORRY KID!

Because you will be driving soon. And with a smart phone we can install GPS, Parent/Child tracker, and that app I heard about that stops your phone from texting when your car is in motion.

But you can think it is just because I am an awesome mom! 

Yes, times sure are different!

The only thing to distract me when driving was deciding
which cassette tape to listen to.

Now do the dishes, grab me the scissors so I can cut up those bikini bottoms, let your super cool friend know that you will not be making the party, tell your boyfriend to start calling you earlier in the night (bedtime is at 10 for goodness sake), DO NOT smoke cigarettes, drink beer, do drugs,or have sex.
And you, my five year old! Please just pick up your Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops! Please, for the last time! PLEASE!! Oh, and don't think I won't look under your bed. That is not where your toys go!

I was a kid once too ;)