There is always room for humor in our day to day lives. Sometimes even your worst day can sound humorous when told days later as a 'story'. In this blog, I will re-tell the 'stories' of my day. With four kids, a husband, a cat, a part time job in an office, and a full time job as a Mama, believe me, I will have stories to tell. So if you are interested, read on. You may find you are chuckling a bit, relating alot, and if nothing else, you may be slightly entertained.
What is more embarrassing than having your car NOT start after dropping your daughter off at Kindergarten???????????
Answer:
Having your car NOT start, only to make obnoxious clicking / grinding sounds right in front of the PTO program sign up table!!!! Then you have to wait 30 minutes for your husband (god love him) who has to leave work as a General Contractor (a.k.a. sometimes dirty clothed construction worker) and come jump your uncooperative car!
Nothin like a bunch of PTO moms staring at you like "who is the loser with the NON starting car?"
*Disclaimer.Nothin but love for PTO moms! I have been a PTO mom with my older kids, and now that I have one back in elementary I will probably somehow get sucked in again. Nothin against them, but definitely not one of them yet. They are a new breed. I have not been at that school in a while. I had one of them ask me in a 'I am the PTO President' Kind of tone "Oh, are you a newww mom here?"
What I wished I could say if my alter ego, Drunk J.R. was talking, "Bitch, Please!!!! Are you F*ing kidding me? Am I NEW here??!!!! I have lived in this neighborhood since I was 4. I F*ing went to school here, my husband went to school here. My 18 year old, 15 year old, and 14 year old went to school here.I used to help with the Spirit Wear, and was co- leader on the Auction Dinner Committee. It's been a few years, but now I am a Kindergarten mom once again, so you'd better hang onto your PTO PRESIDENT Title, cuz I'm a comin for it!!!!!!!!!!!!" - joke! I soooo don't want that title. But Drunk J.R. would try to take it just for fun.Drunk J.R. doesn't show up drunk to school,so I won't have to worry about her signing me up for committees, groups and such. Thank God!
What I actually said, since Drunk J.R. only exists about twice a month, and the real J.R. is a people pleasing, sweet as pie, kind of gal- "Oh, no, I'm not technically new. It's been a few years, but now I have a Kindergartener again. Thank you for asking though. Oh, by the way, my name is J.R., what is yours? Perfect Patty? Oh, nice to meet you Perfect Patty! Well, golly gee, see you around"
Drunk J.R. tries to overtake my blog sometimes, but those usually get erased by morning time. If you are an insomniac, (or different time zone) you may get lucky about once a month.
Question:
Want to know what is more embarrassing than your car NOT starting in front of Perfect Patty,Bake Sale Betty, and Super Suzy?
Answer:
Calling your boss to say you would be late because - "I am waiting for my husband to come jump me"
Made it home after he charged the battery, only to have it die right before pulling into driveway.
Good Bye Fallen Car Part! You were a brave soul!
Good Day Folks! Car is fixed, and now I can go into work..........late........because............................ my husband did the dirty deed!!! Nooooooo, not that dirty deed, good lord! Got his hands dirty with grease, oil and stuff! New Alternator Installed!
And $167.00 dollars, and 2 hours later. Hello Mr. Alternator. Welcome to your new family. Don't let me down, and if you do.... Please not in front of anybody!
B is driving! Not licensed on her own kind of driving,but learners permit, driving around town with mom kind of driving.
We had a crazy day at the DMV. When is the DMV not crazy??
Got her permit, waited in the parking lot of the Junior College in our city for her first session of behind the wheel training.
We waited
and waited
and
waited
and waited
(o.k. we only waited 3 minutes, but it seemed longer, and the driver wasn't there yet)
Realized we were supposed to be waiting in the parking lot at a High School in the next town over.
Ooops, my bad!
Called the Community College Course Administrative office, and prayed they would answer...
Yes! They answered
"Ummmm, I am waiting for our instructor. Are we in the wrong parking lot?"
Few minutes on hold
"Yes, hello, you are not just in the wrong lot, you are at the wrong school"
SHIT WE ARE LATE!! HAULING ASS FROM ONE PLACE TO THE NEXT!
ALL THE WHILE EXPLAINING-
"Don't ever drive like me!!!!!! We are just late, and I have to drive fast.....and run yellow lights.....and not make complete stops.....and ........ Just do what I say, not what I do!"
B's first 2 hour course runs smooth. The driving instructor gives me a few pointers on how to teach her while I am driving with her, we nod, and take off. I let her drive home,and she reminds me about the bonfire I am to drop her off at.
I think to myself:
ENOUGH with the F*ing Bonfires already!!! My teen girls are killing me with their summertime bonfires!
Drop her off at 6!
Pick her up at 9:30
(secretly get there at 9:15, park ever so stealthlike, spy on her and boyfriend to make sure there is no lifeguard tower makeout sessions going on) *Oh, for my regular readers, Yes, B has a new boyfriend. He is actually quite nice. But even the nice ones want to do 'not nice' things with my daughter, so I will still take on the roll of being a blocker. And what am I blocking you ask? It rhymes with block! That is what I am blocking! Enough said!
Get caught trying to spy on her, but she gets caught when I ask
"Where is the fire, and where is the dad that was supposed to be there?"
The silent treatment goes on for about two minutes, until I say
"Hey, I forgot you had your permit! You drive home!"
"Me? O.K."
smiles
"Do you want to take the coast the whole way, then cut through the neighborhoods? Or do you want to take the coast part way, then try your hand at the O Boulevard. Practice with a bit of traffic, and street lights?"
"I'll take O Boulevard. Might as well"
"O.K. good!"
"Turn left here, stay in the right lane, when you come up over the hill, past the 7-eleven you will.............OH MY GOD! How funny......."
"WHAT??WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?? What are all of these cones??What is going on? What are all those lights? WHAT DO I DO?? WHAT DO I DO?? DO I STOP???"
"Oh My God B, welcome to your first DUI checkpoint! And this is a major one! O.K. slowly merge ov..... OVER......O.K. Well that wasn't really a merge, you didn't even look over your shoulder."
"I'm nervous!"
"Why? Are you drunk?"
"NO!! GOD!!!"
"I know honey, I'm kidding.Now just watch the cop ahead, he is going to wave each person through, but he may stop you. I have your permit right here. You would roll down the window, but I can lean over and talk if you want. OOOHHH, let me get my phone out. If he does talk with you, I'm gonna ask to take a picture."
"I'm freaking out. He's waving his light, what does that mean? Do I go? Do I stop?"
Needless to say she was not told to pull to the side. Our sobriety was not tested. I did not get a picture for her scrapbook. Does the scrapbook supply store even sell 'My First DUI Checkpoint' stickers, emblems, and supplies?
I am surprised we were not asked to pull aside. You have a 15 1/2 year old who merged in the most illegal manner, about 10 feet from the checkpoint, and then again 10 feet after the checkpoint.All the while clutching the wheel, looking like a cracked out deer in headlights. You have a mom searching for her cell phone, all the while giggling like a hyena, and a 13 year old in the back seat rolling the window down to stick her head out and stare at all the drunks that were pulled over.
"Darn, I really wanted to take a picture. I sooo wished he would have asked you to pull over"
"Mom, you are a freak!"
Fun times ahead for this mom, and her eager to drive daughter.
Fun times ahead.......................
* I started this post last Saturday morning. Since then we had a little scare with a panicked permit driver, 'accidentally' stepping on the gas instead of the brake. I may turn that moment into it's own post, or I may squash it. As of now she is a bit shaken, a bit embarrassed, and a bit worried that we are going to tell everyone about what happened.
No Honey!
I would never tell anybody that you gassed it, flew over the curb, and only pressed on the brake 2 inches before hitting the retaining wall next to the palm tree. I will not dedicate a post to that spine tingling, chilling moment where our lives flashed before our eyes, and I started to doubt letting you have your license.
No, that is private family stuff.
You just keep practicing B. Six months of driving with your permit, and you are going to be a seasoned pro.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
Dear DMV,
Hi. My name is J.R. In six months I will be bringing my sweet, eager, anxious 16 year old daughter in to your office, where she will nervously be testing for her drivers license. I would like to ask you to please fail her. Fail her, and keep failing her! My life flashed before my eyes today, and I am starting to think that carpools, driving to and from bonfires, movie theaters, parties, shopping malls, and concerts is not so bad. I don't need her to drive herself. She can wait.
Don't be too harsh on her, but make it realistic, and never, ever tell her that I bribed you or paid you off. This is between you and me Mr. DMV driving tester guy! Our little secret!
Sincerely,
J.R.
Moms Against Teenagers Being Allowed to Drive
M.A.T.B.A.D.
o.k. the last three initials spell out B A D! BAD!! Is that a sign?
If you have read any of my old posts, you may remember reading about my gut wrenching, white knuckled freeway anxiety.
I am happy to say it is one hundred percent almost gone!
When it started a few years ago, I was at first perplexed, then worried, then angry, then upset, sad, perplexed again. I asked my doctor to prescribe me Xanax just for road trips; because crying to your husband that he is going to kill us if he drives any faster, and pressing on your imaginary brakes the whole time is not good for any marriage.
I did not get the Xanax, but was told to look deeper into what was causing it. Maybe talk to somebody is what my doctor told me. Well I am too busy to sit down and talk to somebody, so that was out of the question.
It wasn't just when others were driving it was when I was driving as well. I stayed in the slow lane, absolutely certain that a tire was going to blow out on my car, I would lose control and die!!!
I walked into Cost Plus one day to buy a candle, and possibly some throw pillows for my home. There was a little basket on a shelf calling out to me. I wandered over, and saw a large pile of little tiny dolls with explanations for each doll. They were Worry Dolls. My friend was having issues with her teenage son, so I started digging through the basket searching for a Teenager Worry Doll. I then realized, who am I kidding, she is a total Christian who thought Harry Potter supported wizardry, and 'Hocus Pocus', so she definitely was not going to look towards a Mayan Worry Doll to pour her faith into. I on the other hand was raised Catholic, but am open to whatever works. I live with the idea that as long as you are just a good person, then all is good. And not to pat myself on the back, but I am pretty sure God likes me. I'm kind of a nice person. Can't go wrong there!
I kept searching through the basket, because now I was just intrigued.
And then I saw it, like a little Mayan angel, sent from above;or sent from Central America,but wherever he was sent from, he was in my cart now.
I will put you under my pillow. You will make everything better!o.k. little buddy....
He was only a Car Worry Doll, but sometimes I would tell him other worries. Like I'm worried that I don't have an outfit to wear to the wedding we are attending this weekend. I am worried that the beauty supply no longer carries my hair dye. I am worried that I left my sunglasses at the grocery store, and I am worried that these boots don't look right with this outfit......
I had the doll for about 2 years. I just started feeling a bit more at ease about 3 months ago. I would like to thank my new Mayan friend, but since I started out with him under my pillow, but then lost him, and then found him again as I sucked him up into our vacuum, I am not sure he was the reason I stopped having roadside panic attacks. If anything he is probably a little pissed that he got sucked up into a black hole of dust bunnies. In fact, as he was flapping around the wheel of the Vacuum, I heard him mumbling something about bigger troubles ahead...... the end of the world .... freeway shmeeway .......the ancient Mayan calendar predictions.......something,something....blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he is now in my junk drawer with my rubber bands, old batteries, and broken flashlights.
Just as fast as the freeway torture came into my life, it was disappearing. But it did make me stop and think a little more deeper into it. Why had it come on?? My husband suggested one day, that it was post traumatic stress disorder,maybe from a previous car accident.
OH CRAP!!!
MAYBE IT WAS!!!
**BUT THAT CAR ACCIDENT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, OVER 20 YEARS AGO....
BUT COULD IT BE??
Come to think of it, I did have an awful car crash in High School. And guess who's car I totaled....
Mine? Nope! My parents car! I asked my dad to trade cars with me for a day. His car had a cassette player, and mine only had a radio;not to mention, a radiator leak, rusted holes in the trunk, moldy french fries under the seats, and fast food cups everywhere.We both had Toyota Camry's,mine paid for courtesy of my job at the Restaurant on the Pier.(Courtesy of my parents too, who only made me pay $1500 of the $3000 they bought it for)
I was going to drive my cousin to San Diego that day, so we picked up my Best Friend, and headed on our way. Of course I first went through my plastic crate that held all of my cassettes.Gotta have some tunes, since that was the whole point of borrowing his car, and entrusting him with my trash can on wheels!
We only drove about 5 miles down the freeway before it started to lightly sprinkle. No big deal! I was 17 years old, totally experienced in life and driving (yeah, right!!) I looked down real quick to find my Depeche Mode tape and then I look up and I see brake lights, I swerve to the right,my car (or should I say my parents car) starts fishtailing,eventually doing 360's until I finally crashed into the center divider. I clung onto the steering wheel screaming, looked at my cousin in the front seat next to me, then to the back seat where my best friend was sitting. As my car spun, and circled out of control, I honestly felt like we were in a cloud.I could hear the screeching, the sound of metal crashing, my best friend and my cousin yelling. But at the same time, it was like we were floating, and the sounds were muffled.
Many onlookers pulled over to help us. These were the days before cell phones, but days of car phones. One man ran over saying he had already called 911. One of my most surreal memories was of a woman rushing over to me, peeling my fingers off of the steering wheel, and asking me for my parents name and number. I remember crying that 'they are going to kill me' and she put her hand on me and said 'No, they will just be glad you are alive'. She then kept her hand on me and said "Honey, I don't know if you are religious or not, but you, little girl, had a guardian angel watching over you" She, and the man who had called 911,then proceeded to talk about how they honestly could not believe what they just witnessed. A busy weekend on the San Diego freeway, my car starting in the fast lane, doing 360's all the way to the slow lane, then back to the fast lane center divider. And I did not hit one car. Not one car!!!!
Maybe that is why I felt as though we were in a cloud....
A muffled cloud.....
Maybe I was being carried to safety...
Maybe I did have a guardian angel...
Whip lash,slight black eye, and stitches on my friends leg from one of the back windows crashing out, resulting in some shards of glass in her thigh. That was it!
Our parents rushed to the ER, and the woman was right.
My parents hugged me
My friends parents hugged me
They were just happy we were alive
My parents car was TOTALED
The junk yard was it's new home
My dad was able to buy a new car
I got back my radiator leaking, rust bucket
and appreciated every fuzzy radio station
that my Cassette Playerless stereo had to offer me
So here is my own theory on the whole freeway anxiety thing.My son was working towards getting his drivers license, eventually obtaining one, and buying his own rolling heap of junk. I am a natural worrier, and once I realized my little babies were turning into car owning, car driving members of society, I kinda started to freak. I was losing control of my kids;that mixed with an extremely late in life onset of Post Traumatic Stress, was surely to blame . You can call me Dr. J.R.. Call me with all of your anxiety diagnosis needs.My 15 year old daughter is getting ready to sign up for Drivers Ed, so thank god I am getting a handle on this.
Dear Freeway Anxiety,
So glad you are going away now!
No time for this!
I drive a lot,
and the white knuckled stuff was giving me carpal tunnel.....
or arthritis,
or....
just really ugly white knuckles........
I remembered myself as a teenager. I remember how invincible I thought I was. I would change lanes without even a second glance. I would pile friends into my car with no seat belt. I would have one hand on the steering wheel, while the other was searching through the center console for the perfect mixed tape, all the while balancing a Roberto's Bean and Cheese burrito in my lap. I would ask my friend to take the wheel so that I could throw on my Fisherman's Restaurant Polo shirt, over my bikini top;always late to work! Ahhhh,the memories!!!
Nowadays teenagers have so much more to distract them. Cell phones, texting, talking, ipods, car chargers; o.k., our generation had talking too, but I wanted to add that in there. Talking is distracting, especially if you use alot of hand gestures when you talk, such as I do.
I have texted my son before, because I think he is at home. I get a text back saying
'Ma, I'm driving'
Really!!!????
You are driving???!!!!
And you just texted me???!!!!!
UGGGHHHHH!!!!????
I guess in life, there are always dangers.
There are always distractions
There is always going to be that song that you just had to play right that second
There is always going to be Depeche Mode
Dear Mom and Dad,
I may have never told you this
but, this is where that unconditional love comes in.
When you asked me about the accident,
and the specifics of what happened.....
Well.......
It wasn't the jerk in front of me, who just slammed on his brakes without warning!
I mean, he did have to slam on his brakes, but I probably would have had a longer time to react, had it not been for the fact that I was searching through my bag. O.K. well this is where it gets tricky.................Had I not been searching through my................Looking for my........................................................................................ LOOKING FOR MY DEPECHE MODE TAPE!!!!!! There I said it!!!!!!
I had to put on the perfect song for driving with my best friend. It was of the utmost importance for the beginning of our little freeway road trip to San Diego.
I mean,you understand right?
I am sure you remember leaning over, looking in your glove box, one hand on the wheel, and the other digging for your Beach Boys 8 Track Tape???
Love,
J.R.
I'm taking a ride with my best friend
I hope he never lets me down again
Drive safe kids Don't text Don't talk And Put your ipod on shuffle
Just let the music flow Whether it is Depeche Mode Marky Mark Stevie B The Cure Nirvana Fleetwood Mac Beach Boys Lil' Wayne Tupac Nicki Minaj Garth Brooks Jason Aldean or None of the above Get there safely! You don't want to have to admit 20 years later to your parents that LMFAO made you crash their car because you just had to hear Party Rock Anthem!!
*this post dedicated to my Mom, Dad, and their Grey Toyota Camry with the cassette player.
J.R. at 15 1/2 learning to drive
Exactly 2 years later, a Depeche Mode Song would cause the destruction of this car "Never Let Me Down Again"Sorry little car,
Sorry I let you down
* Disclaimer- Depeche Mode is not really to blame. My own negligence and lack of safe driving were. Depeche Mode still brings me happiness, or darkness depending on the song (ahem... Blasphemous Rumors) I think I may go turn on my ipod and get nostalgic :)
It all started with a very quick, faint, squeaky sound as I was pulling into the parking lot at work. The sound almost went unnoticed, as Adele was serenading me through my speakers. It was like a "Rollin in the Deep" duet, just Adele and I, two extraordinary singers, harmonizing as one. Kidding! Kidding! I couldn't carry a tune if my life depended on it. I tried to sing a love song to my husband in bed one night, and he has never (and I mean NEVER) let me live it down.It is a story that he tells at BBQ's, get together's, and one day, I'm sure,my funeral. I am thankful my kids let me sing to them when they were young.Puff the Magic Dragon and You Are My Sunshine were always requested. *I should probably have their hearing tested.
Right as I was zipping into my parking space, I turned off my ipod, and heard the most god awful, nails on a chalkboard, wretched sound! I darted my head around wondering whose car was responsible for contaminating my ears. Then it dawned on me, as my car crept about 5 more feet, that the blood curdling sound came from my car.Whaaaat?? When did that start?
So I did what most women would do, I sent my husband a text.
Me: Car making weird noise
Husband: How
Me: Squeeeeaaaakkkk.
Phone Rings
Ring ~ Ring
Me answering my phone: Hey
Husband: Babe you can't text me sounds. Now, What is it doing?
Husband: I'll have to look at it when you get home
Me: You mean you can't tell what it is from my sound imitation?
Husband: Silent
Me: I'm kidding
So of course my husband looks at it when I get home.
So of course he takes it for a test drive.
So of course he says "I don't hear anything.Your car is fine"
Why does that happen? It never makes the sound for a husband or mechanic. I have stood in many a car repair shop making a fool of myself, trying to mimic the clatter coming from my engine, only to have the service technician tell me
'Sorry Miss, I don't hear a thing.Now what was that sound again?'
'Varoop,Varoop! Clickaaahh,Clickaaah! Varoop, Varoop! Pssshhhhh! Then it dies!'
'Hmmff, Sorry I'm not laughing Mam, I have something in my throat. O.K. can you do that one more time?'
Somewhere on You Tube, there is a compilation mash-up video of women making numerous car noises. I just know those repair places have video of us, and they are piecing them together, mashing them up to some popular hip hop songs, and turning it into some Mommy Beat Boxing. We probably have a million or more hits, and we don't even know it ladies.
Fast forward 2 weeks (2 weeks of me imitating the sounds, and 2 weeks of the stubborn sounds not performing during my husbands test drive)
Finally, Finally he borrows my car to take our daughter to do errands, and when they come back, she is the first to greet me in the kitchen.
B -15 year old daughter: "He heard it!! He totally heard it"
Husband:It's your brake pads. They need to be replaced.
Me: See I told you!
So that was a week ago, and he is going to actually fix it tomorrow morning for me. Thanks M!
But, let me tell you what it is like having teenage daughters and a car that makes sounds.
Really awful, ear splitting, high pitched noises that will not stop,no matter what you do ( well it stops, but only when the car stops, which isn't an option when you are driving)
I pull out of my driveway this morning to take K my 13 year old daughter to school. I secretly pray to the heavens above to just let me get her dropped off before my mom mobile wants to start screeching at me, and I get maybe a 2 minute reprieve, ..............and then it starts.
Me Laughing: Honey, It's not that embarrassing. It'll stop before we pull up to the drop off.
K trying not to laugh: It's not stopping!!
Me still laughing: It's gonna stop.
K still trying to maintain her teen composure, and not show a smile: It's sooo loud.It's not stopping.
Me, cracking up: Uh Oh, we are almost to the drop off. You want me to drop you off up the hill, and you can walk down?
K: Arrghh, I'm gonna be late, you have to drop me off up front. Make it stop mom!
Me, not laughing, because as we get closer, I too am getting a bit embarrassed: I'll write you a note for being late, let me just drop you off up here at the stop sign.
K: Mom, now you're embarrassed??? Just pull in the drop off, I'm gonna be late. Why me?
~Silence~
Me: It stopped!! Yeaahh!
K: O.K. hurry, pull up, let me out!!
Me: Bye, Love......DOOR SLAMS SHUT....You
As I start to pull out of the drop off, the sound starts up again. Slowly, gaining momentum with each roll forward. Scrreeeeccchhhhhhhh!!! EEEeeeehhh!! Squeeeaaakkkk!!!
I look in my rear view mirror, and sure enough I can see her. She is speed walking away from the curb, as fast as she can.Completely mortified, but at one more glance I notice her turn around and give a little wave and a half smile. Dying of humiliation,in fear of losing a popularity point, but still a glimmer of 'I love you mom' - even though your car is a rolling billboard of ridiculousness! ' I love you mom' I didn't mean to slam the door so quickly. 'I love you mom'
I start to get a bit of a lump in my throat that she took the time to turn around, and then I see it. Her B.F.F. step out from behind a little bush, and they hug.
"O.K. I am a loser! She was waving at Bre, not me!" - Punch in the gut for mom!
I give my dashboard a little love tap, and whisper softly "Come on, let's embarrass the hell out of her"
I pull up in the driveway, get Ki out of her booster seat -
" I love you mommy"
"I know you do sweetheart"
And then, my phone buzzes in my purse- A text from K
