Tuesday, June 26, 2012

"WE MAY BE MAKING LOVE!!!"- and this is how I traumatized my daughters

I am a hot commodity in this house!

Needed by the hubby-
"Babe, where is my hat with the black rim?"
"I don't know, you wore it last"
"But you find everything. You are just good like that"
"Yeah......You are right!.......It is on the top shelf of closet, under your work shirts, half a centimeter away from my jewelry box, facing North East"
"Thanks J.R.!"

Needed by the kids-
"Mom where is the nail polish remover
                               hair shine spray
                               construction paper
                               Hershey's syrup
                               my black Vans
                               my grey Converse
                               my black strapless bra
                               dental floss
                               box of tampons we just bought
                               MY BRAIN!!!!!!!

Ahhhhh, Yes! A mom is always needed!

But the thing is, with all of this constant needing, I have a bad case of 'Door Knocking, Kid Needing Anxiety Disorder' 
Symptoms include:
  • Refusing to have sex with your husband at spontaneous times, or any time that you know the kids are awake, for fear of them needing you.
  • If giving in to having spontaneous sex, or kids are awake kind of sex, you are unable to fully relax, because one eyeball is firmly planted on the bedroom door. 
  • Trying to act relaxed, but all the while asking your husband, "are you sure you locked the door?" 
  • Hearing a creak in the floorboards, and pushing your husband off of you saying "see, I knew this was a bad idea"
  • Yelling to your kids "does anyone need anything out of my room?? I have diarrhea (wink, wink) and I want to be left alone for a while, so NO KNOCKING on my door" - that is how I prep the kids, and hope there will be no knocking! All the while, looking over at hubby whose nose is scrunched up, thinking he was going to get lucky, saying "you are joking right?Do you really have diarrhea right now?" 
My husband and I had a talk one day, because honestly the needing was getting out of hand! 
Anytime we would shut the door, it was cause for an automatic KNOCK! 

"Hey, babe, I need to talk with you about something serious. It is about B and one of her text messages."
"Oh, shut the door, let's talk!"

"Honey, will you shut the door? I want to go over Ki's Santa list with you."

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 15 AND 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS (and our 5 year old, but the teens are the worst)

"Girls, Giiiiiirrrrrrllllllssss! Upstairs for a family meeting! Pronto!!!!"

*I love family meetings! Feels so Brady Bunchy!

Eye rolls, annoyance, and huffing and puffing are what we are met with at our door.

"Girls, we asked you to come in here because we want to create a new house rule"

"What? Chores?"

"No, not chores. Although, good idea. More chores would be helpful. I'll get back to that one!"


"Anyway. The door knocking is getting out of hand!"

"Well, what else are we supposed to do? If we need something!"

"Not to mention, sometimes you don't even knock! You just walk in!"

"Because we know you are already in bed, or sleeping. We come in quietly!"

"If our door is shut! We may be busy.....Busy.....Busy, talking, discussing important stuff, changing, or maybe even having an argument. Leave us alone!"

"But, if we need the nail polish remover, what else are we supposed to do? I mean, you always put it under your sink and............"

-Husband interjects at this point-


"But, I mean what if we..........."
-More arguing, so mom takes back her position in the conversation-

"OH MY GOD!!! Do you want me to spell it out for you? If the door is shut, we might be MAKING LOVE!!!!"

"Oh, God Mom, STOP!!! Don't say that!!!"

"Doing it! Having Sex! Freaky Freaky, Bumpin and Grindin!..........."

"We are married! We have sex! How do you think you all were made? How do you think I was made? Mema and Papa had sex"
"OH GOD, Not Mema and Papa! GOD PLEASE STOP!!!"

"Well, you two wanted to keep arguing! You deserve it!"

"We are leaving! I am never knocking on your door again"
"Me either, I am always afraid I am going to interrupt you or hear something gross. That is why I cough, and walk real loud when I get near your door"

"Well, if you think that, then leave us alone"

"I can't believe you guys do it when we are home! I thought you only did it when we were gone"- this was the comment of all comments, as there is always, at some point, atleast one kid home. So my daughter thinks we NEVER DO IT!

My husband was a little shocked that I just blurted it out, but I couldn't stand it anymore. His way just wasn't working. He believes that children deserve NO explanation. And while he is right, I live in the real world. I also live with these girls, and know their ways of thinking. They are arguers by nature. They need explanations. His explanation of "Well, we may be busy talking, so leave us alone" just wasn't working. 
The looks on their faces, and the trauma protruding from their core was actually getting to be quite satisfying. This was kinda fun.So I figured I'd give it one last hurrah as they gagged, and puked their way out of my room.

"Oh, and girls one more thing, just to make sure you have really soaked all of this in"

"Oh, god, what?!?!?!"

"Would you really want to walk in on us and have to see my feet up in the air, and your dads white  butt? Or better yet, me in a position that can only be described as ........


Honest to god, I feel so liberated! I feel free! It needed to be done, because it was getting out of hand. Especially in the summer time, as waiting for them to go to bed was not working. In the summer they stay up all night, we wind up falling asleep just waiting for them to go to bed. I may have scarred them for life with visions of mom and dad studying Kama Sutra, but hey, IT WORKED!

It Freaking Worked!!!!!!! 

Friday, June 22, 2012

My Baby Graduated, and I can't stop crying

My son is my baby.
He is my oldest, but the bond that him and I have is strong, and beautiful.
I am not sure if it is because he was my first born, if it is because I had him at a young age, so in a sense we 'grew up' together, or if it is simply because I was actually (in a weird way) ready to be a mom, and he made me the happiest person on earth the day he was born. 

He has not always been perfect.
No child is. 
Sometimes he has been lazy, selfish, rude, and dis-respectful.

He is also kindhearted,loyal,loving,intelligent, amazing, and has a brain that thinks beyond the normal teenage thoughts. And for every dis-respectful teenage time in his life, he has made up for it by showing the utmost respect and humility in situations that have made me proud.
But most of all,
he loves me. 
This boy loves his mama, and that I know!
Congratulations to my son for graduating High School.
Now I hope he goes on to do wonderful things with his life. 
I know he will, because from the moment I saw his ultrasound picture, I knew he was special!

'I love you more than the sun, moon and stars'

When he was a baby, my friend would ask me, 'why do you hold him so much?'
and I would honestly say
'because I just love him so much!'

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Glitter and Grime and Spray Paint Drops

Quick post from my phone.
Redoing my thirteen year old daughters room for her 14th Birthday.

Recycling a few things, giving them new life- a.ka. - spray paintin them black!

SPRAY PAINT SUCKS!!!!! And it doesn't come off!!!!!! See how nicely it goes with my purple, glittered nail tips? Yeah, I've already used a scouring brush.

Bedroom makeover pics to come next week! Wish me luck, this is for the 'pickier' daughter.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Hello Officer, can I take a picture with all of your DUI checkpointy stuff?

B is driving! Not licensed on her own kind of driving,but learners permit, driving around town with mom kind of driving.

We had a crazy day at the DMV. When is the DMV not crazy??

Got her permit, waited in the parking lot of the Junior College in our city for her first session of behind the wheel training.

We waited
and waited


and waited
(o.k. we only waited 3 minutes, but it seemed longer, and the driver wasn't there yet) 

Realized we were supposed to be waiting in the parking lot at a High School in the next town over.

Ooops, my bad!

Called the Community College Course Administrative office, and prayed they would answer...
Yes! They answered
"Ummmm, I am waiting for our instructor. Are we in the wrong parking lot?"

Few minutes on hold

"Yes, hello, you are not just in the wrong lot, you are at the wrong school"


"Don't ever drive like me!!!!!! We are just late, and I have to drive fast.....and run yellow lights.....and not make complete stops.....and ........ Just do what I say, not what I do!"

B's first 2 hour course runs smooth. The driving instructor gives me a few pointers on how to teach her while I am driving with her, we nod, and take off. I let her drive home,and she reminds me about the bonfire I am to drop her off at.

I think to myself:

ENOUGH with the F*ing Bonfires already!!! My teen girls are killing me with their summertime bonfires!

Drop her off at 6!

Pick her up at 9:30
(secretly get there at 9:15, park ever so stealthlike, spy on her and boyfriend to make sure there is no lifeguard tower makeout sessions going on)
*Oh, for my regular readers, Yes, B has a new boyfriend. He is actually quite nice. But even the nice ones want to do 'not nice' things with my daughter, so I will still take on the roll of being a blocker. And what am I blocking  you ask?
It rhymes with block! That is what I am blocking! Enough said!

Get caught trying to spy on her, but she gets caught when I ask
"Where is the fire, and where is the dad that was supposed to be there?"

The silent treatment goes on for about two minutes, until I say
"Hey, I forgot you had your permit! You drive home!"

"Me? O.K."

"Do you want to take the coast the whole way, then cut through the neighborhoods? Or do you want to take the coast part way, then try your hand at the O Boulevard. Practice with a bit of traffic, and street lights?"

"I'll take O Boulevard. Might as well"

"O.K. good!"

"Turn left here, stay in the right lane, when you come up over the hill, past the 7-eleven you will.............OH   MY    GOD! How funny......."

"WHAT??WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?? What are all of these cones??What is going on? What are all those lights? WHAT DO I DO?? WHAT DO I DO?? DO I STOP???"

"Oh My God B, welcome to your first DUI checkpoint! And this is a major one! O.K. slowly merge ov..... OVER......O.K. Well that wasn't really a merge, you didn't even look over your shoulder."

"I'm nervous!"

"Why? Are you drunk?"

"NO!! GOD!!!"

"I know honey, I'm kidding.Now just watch the cop ahead, he is going to wave each person through, but he may stop you. I have your permit right here. You would roll down the window, but I can lean over and talk if you want. OOOHHH, let me get my phone out. If he does talk with you, I'm gonna ask to take a picture."

"I'm freaking out. He's waving his light, what does that mean? Do I go? Do I stop?"

Needless to say she was not told to pull to the side. Our sobriety was not tested. I did not get a picture for her scrapbook. Does the scrapbook supply store even sell 'My First DUI Checkpoint' stickers, emblems, and supplies? 
I am surprised we were not asked to pull aside. You have a 15 1/2 year old who merged in the most illegal manner, about 10 feet from the checkpoint, and then again 10 feet after the checkpoint.All the while clutching the wheel, looking like a cracked out deer in headlights. You have a mom searching for her cell phone, all the while giggling like a hyena, and a 13 year old in the back seat rolling the window down to stick her head out and stare at all the drunks that were pulled over. 

"Darn, I really wanted to take a picture. I sooo wished he would have asked you to pull over"

"Mom, you are a freak!"

Fun times ahead for this mom, and her eager to drive daughter.
Fun times ahead.......................

* I started this post last Saturday morning. Since then we had a little scare with a panicked permit driver, 'accidentally' stepping on the gas instead of the brake. I may turn that moment into it's own post, or I may squash it. As of now she is a bit shaken, a bit embarrassed, and a bit worried that we are going to tell everyone about what happened.
No Honey!
I would never tell anybody that you gassed it, flew over the curb, and only pressed on the brake 2 inches before hitting the retaining wall next to the palm tree. I will not dedicate a post to that spine tingling, chilling moment where our lives flashed before our eyes, and I started to doubt letting you have your license. 
No, that is private family stuff.
You just keep practicing B. Six months of driving with your permit, and you are going to be a seasoned pro.


Dear DMV,
Hi. My name is J.R. In six months I will be bringing my sweet, eager, anxious 16 year old daughter in to your office, where she will nervously be testing for her drivers license. I would like to ask you to please fail her. Fail her, and keep failing her! My life flashed before my eyes today, and I am starting to think that carpools, driving to and from bonfires, movie theaters, parties, shopping malls, and concerts is not so bad. I don't need her to drive herself. She can wait.
Don't be too harsh on her, but make it realistic, and never, ever tell her that I bribed you or paid you off. This is between you and me Mr. DMV driving tester guy! Our little secret!

Moms Against Teenagers Being Allowed to Drive

o.k. the last three initials spell out B A D! BAD!! Is that a sign?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Soooo, apparently when I drink a bit too much, I turn into a Hip Hop Rap Reciting, Bad Ass! This is a beautiful post about Friendship and Ridin Dirty.

I am not a bad ass
I am not confrontational
I don't like Hip Hop and Rap......O.K., that is a lie. I do like it. I love all music. I really do.

When I drink, my husband has now been ordered to ban all electronic devices from within my reach.
Remember Drunk Dialing?

That is a thing of the past.

Now it is 
Drunk Facebooking
Drunk Tweeting
Drunk Blogging

Too many options for my ridiculousness to shine!

For the few that were able to read my drunk blog before I erased it, thanks for your comments.But that drunk blog, was nothing,and I mean NOTHING compared to the evil indulgence that I posted as my status updates on Facebook. 
* and let me tell you, and I know you all don't know me extremely well, but please believe me. I post on Facebook about once a month. Maybe not even that. But anger posting on Facebook?????UGGHH I don't do it! 
With that being said-

A HUGE Shout out to my Best Friend who knows me all too well.

I will give a recap of last Saturday Night:

Me: Gulp, Gulp! Yum, these Margaritas are yummy!
Gulp Gulp, oh, Honey, would you make me another one?
Gulp, pssshhhhppwwww! GOD that is strong, why did you make this one so strong?

Husband: "Hoping to get lucky"

Me: Hopin to get puked on is what is really gonna happen!
Gulp, Gulp! YUM!! I'm getting used to the strong factor
Gulp, Gulp

Husband: "I'm heading upstairs babe. Wink, Wink, Meet me up there."

15 minutes pass before I make it upstairs.

Me: Honey...........Honey.......... You sleepin? 
Oh well, I guess I will log on Facebook before goin to sleep.
Uggghhhh, My head is buzzeddddd. Actually I feel a bit drunk! 
Ugghhh, I just started thinking about 'HER'
The only 'HER' in the world that I HATE dislike in an intense way!

I'm gonna write about it on Facebook.


Status Update:wioeoaihioaehfidhfkajfkasjf  fuck you bitch aaaidfhadiofh asdifj asdfka f you suck
akldfjkajfkdjfkajdf  complete lyrics to a Hip Hop Song
They See Me Rollin.......... They Hatin..........Try to catch me ridin dirty.......
* which by the way , I was mumbling to my drunk self, 'Bitches Be Hatin' so I think that is where that  song came into my mind???!!!??? Who the Heck knows.

My eyes are closing, I'm going to log off. Oh, but, one more thing

Status Update: blah, blah , blah, You are a beach ball,I am a little stick. My little stick will hit you down the beach. Blah, Blah, Blah!!!!!!!!!!
*More mumbles, and words, some I cannot even remember, or want to repeat.
Some were quite genius, rhyming like Eminem, some of the words would have made Satan proud, but I would rather forget those words. So I will just write Blah, Blah , Blah! I am sure you all get the point.

Oh, one more thing

Status Update: I'm nice, you are not nice. You suck, I don't suck. You are mean
* these words, I really wrote. 

Log Off, Go To Sleep.

Oh, hold on!

Let me Tweet on my phone! I just installed the Tweet/Twitter app. 
Ohhhh, what should my drunk ass write??  Tweet??


Good Night!

Ring, Ring-

1:00 a.m my phone rings......WTF? My best friend, why is she calling me so late?

Me: Hey!!! WHAT'S WRONG? Everything o.k.?

Best Friend: Everything o.k.? Everything is o.k. with me, what the hell is wrong with you?

Me: Huh?

Best Friend:Your craziness on Facebook!!! Who in the hell are you mad at? And who do I need to come beat up?

 Me: Oh, Bitchface! I hate her! I so hate her! She is sooo mean!

Best Friend: O.K. well, call me in the morning, but first get out of bed, log onto your laptop, and ERASE all of your crazy ass posts! You will not be happy with yourself in the morning. Too many of your friends look up to you as being a non-drama, voice of reason. Erase it now! Then go to bed, and call me in the morning. I love you!

Me: You are right! I swear I only had 2 margaritas. I think M drugged me.....

Best Friend: M drugged you? You are insane! Go back to sleep....Erase those posts first though!!! And I am telling M he is never allowed to fall asleep first, and leave you unattended with social networks! Plus, who are you kidding? You are not kicking anyone's ass! I'd have to drive down there and do it for you!! And we are too old for that!

Me: I wrote that I wanted to kick ass?? Oh.... yeah, I did write that.

Best Friend:  Yeah, you are apparently channeling your inner Dr. Seuss meets Snoop Dogg. 
Just be glad I have insomnia, and was able to catch your dumb ass before everyone else in the world woke up and read your posts. 
By the way, if it ever happens again, we will just tell people your facebook got hacked!
*That is why I love her. She is quick with the excuses! 



So a Public Service Announcement to all.

Eat, Drink and be Merry!

Under any circumstances,
ever, NEVER, EVER,
Eat, Drink and Post, Tweet, or Blog!

Well, let me re-phrase that.

Never, Ever
Eat, Drink and Post, when you have pent up anger over a really, super duper mean lady!