Saturday, March 31, 2012

When all else fails, fill em up with booze!

So one of my best friends had decided months ago that she was going to try her hand in home sales. Skincare to be exact. She knows how I feel about home sales. The feeling is not a positive one. Years ago I tried my hand in selling Mary Kay cosmetics.I was coerced! I will just leave it at that.

Well, actually I will leave it at this-
I bought stock to have on hand, because they told me to
They also told me I was going to have a pink car someday.
I had 2 parties.
I did not sell enough to get a car.
I was left with $1,500.00 worth of 'stock'.
It was not easy to get my money back.
In fact I never got my money back.
So yes, Home Sales has left a bad taste in my mouth. 
Real bad........
Like rotten sour cream, mixed with ca ca doo doo bad!

Because I am a supportive friend, I tried her product.
I am NOT a product person. 
I wash my face with whatever is around.
Sometimes splurging on Olay face wash for $8.99 a bottle, and Olay moisturizer for $7.99

I tried her product, liked it, and agreed to support her by hostessing a party.

This product is a bit pricey, but it really can sell itself.
Plus everyone who knows me well, knows that I won't hostess one of these parties unless I truly like something. So that was a selling point right there!

So I told my BFF that I would invite everyone I know, and if they come, they come. I can't guarantee anything.

But I did have a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.

Who in the hell is drinking water?
Get those people out of here. We only want wine drinkers with credit cards.
This is only one counter. There was another counter with a couple more bottles.

And when wine isn't making them whip out their cash, checkbooks, or credit cards fast enough.
I pull out the big guns. 
Anything for a friend.
You know, being supportive and all..........

What? What do you mean you think you can't afford the whole anti-aging kit right now.
Oh, your husband would kill you if you purchase anything?
Oh my gosh, I totally understand.
Here, come have a shot with me.
Oh, and did I mention this skincare line really works wonders.
Oh yeah!
Here, another shot.
Oh my goodness, I can see your skin glowing already just from the demonstration sample they gave you.
Here, have another.......

From across the room, I see my best friend.
I give her a wink and a smile. As if to say
I got your back girl. I will get your business up -n- running in no time! 

* Party was a success. Shots were actually not needed.
Wine did the trick. 
She got a couple of good orders.
I was a supportive friend.
I have taken care of my hostessing duties for the year.
I gave my friend a little help in her early stages of what will hopefully be a successful career for her. Just because it didn't work for me, does not mean it won't work for her.
For as long as there are BevMo's, Liquor stores, or Backwoods Moonshine (depending on where you live)
There will always be intoxicated impulse purchasing.
And that, my friends, is my approach to marketing.

Hmmmm, maybe I should bring that up at our next meeting at work.

Me: "I have an idea for our marketing department"

Boss: "O.K. Let's hear it"

Monday, March 26, 2012

Who ate my last avocado? DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

If we make any sort of Mexican food, whether it is bean and cheese burritos, carne asada, pollo asada, enchiladas, quesadillas, nachos, anything at all, I must have avocado!! 
It is not complete without avocado or guacamole.

Avocados are expensive! 
(believe me, I have to hear about it from my husband) 
Sometimes they are on sale.
Sometimes they are $2.59.... EACH!

But if we are having anything to eat where an avocado would fit in, I cannot eat without having an avocado.

Scene from Saturday afternoon

"Hey babe, I'm gonna stop off at Primo Market and pick up some Pollo and Carne to BBQ tonight. Do we need anything besides tortillas and cheese?"

"Umm, let me check. O.K. we have sour cream, we have all the stuff to make Pico de Gallo. Oh, let me check the basket.......O.K., yes I have an avocado. We are all set"

"O.K. See you in a few"

M comes home from the store, does some stuff around the yard. I diddle daddle around the house, putting laundry away, finishing up a book, cleaning out my purse. Lazy Saturday stuff. 
My daughters have been pretty self contained all day as well. Making their own lunch, planning their evening, which mostly consists of a bonfire at the beach with friends.

I am relaxing in my room, hubby is getting ready to start the BBQ, figuring we would have an early dinner. 

All is good


The attack of the teen daughters......

"Hey mom, can we make a face mask out of kitchen stuff?"

"Like what kitchen stuff?"

"I don't know, egg, mayonnaise, olive oil. I don't know. We are just bored, and want to do something."

"Well, I am dropping you off at the bonfire tonight"

"I know, but that's not til later"

"Whatever, fine, I'm almost at the end of my book, and it is sad....leave me alone for like two minutes.... do whatever!"

in unison, and they run downstairs

15 minutes later
a knock on my door

K, my 13 year old
Standing at my door with a bowl in her hand.
"Mom, can you help me put this on my face? I already put it on B's face, but if you stand up it drips down, so now she can't get up to help me put it on my face."

"What? Put what on your face?"

"The face mask. We asked you! Remember? You never pay attention when you are blogging or reading, or whatever it is you do"

"Oh, yeah! The egg mask! Go wait for me in B's room, I'll be there in a minute"

What happens next can only be described as a horrendous display of disrespect. Exhibited by my awful, horrible, no good teen daughters.
They committed the ultimate crime! Their actions almost sent me over the edge. The kind of edge where CPS needs to be called out. Because I am sure that is what the neighbors would have done, had  my windows been open, and they heard the screams of anger coming from my now raw and red throat.

DID YOU......
YOU DIDN'T......


"Uhh, yeah mom! For the face mask! It's to help make our skin soft."

"You are fifteen and thirteen years old. You are practically babies. Practically Babies, with practically baby soft skin"

"But we asked you....Remember? See, you never pay attention!"

"I am a mom, with wrinkles growing by the minute! If anyone needs an avocado, it's me. And I need it in my stomach! 
And I do pay attention!!"

"Sorry mom..............but can you still help put it on my face??"

AHA!! I have an idea!

"Yes, Yes my little darlings! I will. Lay down.
Ahh, does that feel too cold? 
Sorry my little princesses.
There. There you go. All spread. Cheers to your baby soft skin."

Mwaaaahhuuuhaaaa Mwaaaa Haaaa Haaa
Evil laugh as I grab my camera.

And this my friends is what happens when you make guacamole with my last avocado..
and proceed to spread it on YOUR FACE!!!
I take pictures

*This post is dedicated to my teenage girls. Love you both, and your beautiful, smooth, soft, satiny skin.
Mama loves you!
And I do pay attention
Most of the time ;)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Hey Mom, can we make SLUTTY brownies?

K, 13 year old daughter: "Hey mom, can we make slutty brownies?"

Me: "What?"

K: "S L U H- T E E Brownies"

Me: "Oh, Ooooo Kkkkkk. What are SLUTTY Brownies? Do they get all the boys?"  I laugh alone....

K: "My friend Syd made them this weekend. She said they are soooooooo good. Easy, and 'filthy', that is why they are called slutty brownies"

Me: "I hate the word Slut. I mean just because a woman has sex with a few guys, they get called sluts. A man on the other hand, they are STUDS!! Such double standards in this world!"

K: "Ooooo Kkkkk, well, can you get the ingredients so I can make them, orrrrrr......"

Me: "What are the ingredients? And back to the slut thing....... I mean, there are girls that are probably too promiscuous, but guys?? I mean they don't get any of the backlash. Not that it is o.k. to be a slut, I mean I never want you to be a slut, but...........if after you are a grown woman, you decide to...... well........ Just always be strong, confident, don't ever let ANYONE, man or woman, make you feel less than! You understand me?? Woman are powerful beings, and we need to overcome the stereotypes of the world, and furthermore............."

K: "Ummmm, you are a spaz mom! Seriously! Here, come over here to my laptop, here is the picture of the brownies"

Me: "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! Those look sooooooooooooo good! Print out what we need!" - I totally forget about any sort of lecture, speech, or mommy-isms. I just want these baked, and in my tummy,NOW!

K: "Are you going to the store now?"

Me: "YES! I have a sweet tooth, and those will do just fine!"

K: "Awesome"

This recipe is all over the internet. I just typed in Slutty Brownies. Not only does the recipe appear on Blogs, Pinterest, and other random sites, it actually comes up on the Duncan Hines website. I wonder how Mr. Duncan, or Mr. Hines feels about that. If for some reason a prudish person complains, they could call it:

People Pleaser Brownies
I mean isn't that what a slut really is?
A People Pleaser?
Nothin wrong with that 
As long as she isn't barkin up my hubby's tree. Oh, and as long as my daughters don't turn out to be "People Pleasers", well I mean keep it to a minimum level......after you are in your twenties.........and you are safe about it............ nothing where a notepad is needed to keep names straight........... I mean......ugghh, double standards are tough to ignore....... 

Anyway.......back to my podium speech

For if there were no "People Pleasers",
there may not have been this recipe.

So thank you 'People Pleasers'
Thank you from the bottom of my sweet toothed little heart!
You have inspired a recipe, for which millions of amateur bakers give thanks!
This one's for you

*I really did make these this weekend. Seriously soooooo flipping YUMMY!! And yes, SOOOOOOO EASY!!!!! EASY, and it will certainly 'please' any sweet tooth you may have.
Try 'em out.
I put a scoop of vanilla ice cream and drizzled some hot fudge over them. 
Of course I paid with a bit of a tummy ache the next morning, but hey, so worth it! 

Next week we are making Skanky Ho appetizers, and Whore Soup. 
Or, their new given name
Appetite for Love appetizers & Spreading Some Joy Soup.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Fairy Gardens,Frolics, and No More Farts (For Now)

If you are here from Pinterest, Welcome! I am a humor blog writer, mostly writing about the shenanigans that go on in my household, but sometimes I show my crafty side. Hence the Fairy Garden.
Stick around! You came for a Fairy Garden, but you can leave with a smile. 

I wrote a post about all of the fart talk that goes on in my household. It is still going on, but I am not going to write about it (not for today at least)

Fridays are my day off, time I spend with my five year old when she is not in Pre-School, I am not at work, the older ones are in school, and M is usually at work.  I wanted to to something fun with her! Creative, Crafty, Neat, Girly, all of the above!

Now I do not, nor will I ever have a Green Thumb! It is just not in me. I have tried, believe me I have tried. In my old house, I would get little gardening jolts, run off to Home Depot,and come home with a flat of ground cover, flowers, or green stuff with pretty colors.

I have absolutely ZERO knowledge or understanding of soil, seasons, or seeds!

My house now, thanks to my husband, has a more tropical landscape going on. Palm Trees, Palm Trees, Palm Trees.  He has the Green Thumb. We compost our trash, he knows all of the scientific names for the trees, and the more everything grows, the more we feel as though we are surrounded by a lush, green paradise.

So back to creative time with Ki! While I do love our Hawaiian themed yard, I do love the whole cottage, flower look as well. But I know our garden will never look like that.After a few pictures I saw online, and some inspiration from my cousins adorable house in San Diego, where she created a little Unicorn Garden in one of the tree stumps in her yard, I thought of a plan.

~A Fairy Garden~

My husband told me I could use some of his precious compost, his precious wine barrel (that was set to hold a new palm tree probably) , and his precious advice!
I will use the compost
I will use the wine barrel
I can do this on my own buddy, thank you very much!!

So I waited for him to leave, went to Lowe's, went to the craft store, picked through some supplies we are already had on hand. Pulled out my IMAGINATION, and we were ready.

I used a dolly, I shoveled, I scooped out compost, I was J.R. the Gardener!
With my little sidekick, Ki!
It was calming, therapeutic, and honestly just plain FUN!

Here is what we created
-The Beginning-
I shoveled all that dirt
I deserve a Golden Shovel Award


Work in Progress. 

Fairy Garden Final Product

The blue rocks were left over from an old fish tank.
The little bridge was from one of her Littlest Pet Shop toys.
The sitting fairy, and blue mushroom came with houseplants my hubby picked up at a garage sale.
The sun had broken off of a sensor nightlight we had in her room.
The mini tiles leading up to the bridge, were from a tile sample kit. My husband picked that up for me at a garage sale, because I had wanted to try mosaic tiling.
The silver star wands were left over from a princess party for my daughter.
The house, moss,white gate and tiny wheelbarrow next to house were from the craft store. Ki painted it all by herself. 
The little white birds by the mushroom. Those I hot glued to wire, wrapped the wire around a popsicle stick, stuck it in the soil. then bent the wires to make them look like they were flying. 
Plants from Lowe's Home Improvement store.
Blue glass candle holder had a broken base. I turned it upside down, then put another broken candle base on top of it.I will add a citronella candle there at night.
Baby tears ground cover back near fairy house. I just transplanted some of that from our front yard.
IMAGINATION supplied by Ki and myself!

Whimsical, Fun & Easy.
We check on it everyday, and add new things to it.
I just cleaned her room last week, and found a mini little chair, and an old teeny, tiny Tinkerbell figurine from an ornament. Those have been added as well. 
Ki sprinkles glitter over it every once in a while. 

In the midst of the Palm Trees, Fish Pond, and Plumerias we have our own little dreamy village.
A good book, a lounge chair, a wading pool and some sunshine. My backyard can take me away from all of the stress that my life can sometimes bring. 

*not to be cheesy, or lovey dovey. But I want to say 'thank you' to my husband. Thank you for creating the peaceful, tropical oasis that I have grown to love. It is a work in progress, but the work has been done solely by you! - well, and by C, on chore days!
Thank you also for letting our Fairies have a little corner of the Palm Tree Village. 
Also, aren't you proud of me? 
Nothing has died in the Fairy Garden..... YET.... Still Green... Still Living!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Farts, Farting, Fart!! What is a conversation without mentioning the 'F' word!

Farting and Pooping. Totally natural. Everybody does it.

In my house?

Not only is it natural, not only does everybody do it. EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT IT!! ALOT!

On any given morning, as my teen daughters are so perfectly applying their makeup, straightening their hair, and borrowing one another's clothes to create the most fashionable of outfits, the fart talk is running rampant.
"Can I borrow your black skirt? The one with the ......EWWW You just farted!"

"Yeah, the skirt is in my bottom drawer."

Covering Nose

"Whh drarew" - which drawer in face cover talk.

"The bottom drawer!! And don't act all disgusted. You stunk up the bathroom BAD yesterday!"

These are GIRLS people! SO all of you with BOYS, don't think it doesn't happen to the Girl only households. 
And by looking at my daughters, you would never know it. Meticulous with their beauty, Popular, even featured on the fashion pages of their yearbook!
Farts do not discriminate!! 

I think I may start a weekly post, dedicated to the fart and poop talk that goes on in my house. Like how "PooPoo on the Head" somehow turned into the theme song for when my husband gives our 5 year old daughter her shower. Don't ask, cause I don't have an answer. I think one day, he was getting ready to jump in the shower, so I told him to bring her, she didn't want to, he tried to make her laugh by saying. "We have to wash your hair. It smells like Poo Poo"  Giggles & Laughter followed.
They laugh together, she gets clean, doesn't freak out about washing her hair,and all is peaceful at shower time.
Well except hearing them all the way from downstairs. 
"Poo Poo on the head"
"Poo Poo on the head"
When she is in her twenties, in her apartment,
will she reminisce about Poo Poo on the Head?
As an adult who is able to curse, will she change it to 
"Shit on the Head"
"Shit on the Head"
Hope Not!
Her roommates may think she is demented.

Here is the conversation this morning as I was dropping my 13 year old daughter off at her Junior High.

K- "Oh MY GOD Mom, see that kid with the red backpack?"

Me- "Uhh, yeah!" -my brain going into hyperdrive- "WHAT?! Is he mean to you? Is he a bully?WHAT?"

K- "Mom, no! God! He is the one I was telling you about......the one that STINKS!"

Me- "Ohhhh, that one!"

K- "Yeah, he stinks so bad it distracts me in class!I sit right next to him!I don't want to ask to move, because I don't want him to feel bad! But he is making me feel bad!!!"

She is now gathering her folder, and purse. And getting ready to shut the door.



K- "Yeah, ROTTEN ORANGE CHICKEN AND FARTS. Bye Mom, I love you!"

Me- "Call me from the nurses office if you feel sick........"       DOOR SLAMS

I drive away thinking of Rotten Orange Chicken, and how I may never order that again from the Chinese Takeout.

Then my 5 year old pipes up from her booster seat

Ki- "Call me if you feel sick! That is funny! Cause the farts would make her sick, huh Mama!!!"

Me- "Huh?"

Ki- "You said to K 'call me if you feel sick from the farts' "

Me- "Oh, no baby, not from the Orange Farts" - I have now condensed the name of the fart "K had a bad headache this morning, so I was reminding her that if it gets worse to call me."

Ki- "Oh"

Heading back home,we start pointing out anything circular we see along the way. Her pre-school class is studying circles,and wants us to point out EVERYTHING, according to my daughter.
But the fart talk could not end.

Ki- "But Mommy! A fart could make K sick. It could make her sick, huh? It makes me feel sick sometimes. Like when you or daddy.......!"

Me- "O.K., o.k. enough fart talk"

Ki- "But, sometimes..."

Me-"Yes, I suppose an Orange Chicken Fart could make K want to puke. The thought is kinda making me want to puke!"

~We both laugh~

And that was my morning conversation

Circles and Farts
and Rotten Orange Chicken (whatever that smells like)

My household is 80 percent female, I can't even blame it on the boys. Farts are funny! Gross! But Funny!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My TV in my room just blew up......Literally!

It will be a dark, sad, lonely place in my room without my one true love.

My television!

It literally woke me up this morning by making a loud popping sound.Imagine someone jumping from the top of a roof, onto a pile of bubble wrap and fluorescent bulbs! That is the exploding sound it made. I SWEAR!!!

Then the t.v. became aglow with a bright chartreuse color;You like that color description? I could have just said 'Pea Green' , or 'Baby Diarrhea Yellow', but I pulled a whopper out of my vocab. I had to google the spelling.

This lasted for about 2 seconds, then the screen went blank again and-

POP, Pop, Pop,Pop, POP!!!!!!!

And my beloved B.F.F. was gone.

I then called my husband who was downstairs in the garage!

"Ummm, can you come upstairs? The T.V. just blew up?"

"Blew up?"

"Yes, like Crackle, Pop, Pop, Crackle"

"Like Rice Krispies?"

"No, like our T.V. BLOWING UP!!!!"

"I'll be up in a minute. I'll move the armoire, and unplug it, but I'll have to check it out later. I'm already running late!"


Since we are on a budget right now, and we won't be able to buy a new t.v. anytime soon. We are going to have to do an 'ol television switcheroo again.

My fifteen year old was so excited that she got my son's old t.v. and was able to give her little 13 inch to our other daughter, but guess what........

Sorry Charlie.
We are stealing your newly acquired 20 something inch, and giving you back your 13 inch.

**Or, you can just whine to Dad and tell him Mom really deserves a new Flat Screen in her room. And Budget, Schmudget....
And I am sure there are some good deals going on....
And T.V. makes Mom happy..
And we all know when Mom is Happy, the whole house is happy
And when the whole house is happy, well..........
I don't know!
The whole House is Happy!!


OLD RCA Television.
We had a good run, you and I!
Hopefully in your Heaven, 
The Office is played continuously,
and a little bit of Trashy Reality T.V. is thrown in for your guilty viewing pleasure.
Here is what Telly would say to me if he could give a speech at his own service:
I have had a good life. My owner has let me play all the good shows. I will never forget her, and our hours, upon hours
,UPON HOURS, UPON HOURS, of time that we have spent together, just her and I, and our good friend remote! Ohhh, the laughter, the tears!
The Good Times ~ marathon days spent watching all of her DVR'd shows
The Bad Times~ that husband of hers trying to take me over. Infesting me with his sports channels, and Gangland documentaries.
I will always remember my one true love, my partner in crime.
Her name is J.R.
 I will be watching over her from above
I will be her Television Guardian
Never forget me J.R., even when Flat Screen comes into your life.......Never Forget!!!!!


Sunday, March 11, 2012


O.K. Well I didn't actually tell my precious five year old little girl to 'fend for yourself', but I did NOT get my butt up from my chair when my daughter pleaded with me to make her something to eat.But might I add that I was working 
(Fridays are usually my day off, but we are in a rush to get a project finished)

She said she was hungry.
I said "I have one more email to send out."

She said "I'm super starving mommy"
I said "Hold on just one more minute"

She said "O.K. 1 !! There, I counted to 1 mommy"
I said "That is not what I meant!"

She asked if she could grab some crackers
I asked "can't you just wait 10 more minutes?"

She said "NO Mama I'm really hungry for breakfast"
I said "Fine, have crackers"
(and I did the mom shush, wave, go away signal with my hand)

She must have been confused by the word crackers.
I must have been confused as to whom I was trusting in a cupboard full of snacks.

She must have thought that I am a distant relative of Willy Wonka and believe that candy is an acceptable breakfast.
I must have been so enthralled with my email to not notice that she had slipped out of the kitchen and upstairs into my bed, where Sponge Bob awaited. 

This was her self made pre-breakfast snack

Saltines and Reese's Pieces
Breakfast of a 5 year old Champion
-or -a 5 year old 'deprived by her mom' little girl
-or- an Extraterrestrial that goes by the name E.T.

So I first walked into the kitchen

No Daughter?!?!?!

So I walk upstairs

She is happily playing in her room.

I smile, and go into my bedroom to get dressed.
I walk over to my nightstand to get my phone off of the charger and see the evidence.
Oh well, atleast the crumbs were on Daddy's side of the bed.

She must have heard me mumbling, or decided to come back in to finish her episode of Sponge Bob.

 I proceeded to lecture her on getting crumbs in my bed, and eating candy without asking.

She said
"But Mama, I was really hungry. Really, super, duper hungry!"

Then she gave me the sweetest look in the world, with her adorable buck toothed smile, and her strangely, unfairly long eyelashes fluttering.

"I'm sorry Mama"

Then came the hug! The strongest, tightest squeeze of a hug. I instantly melted. She has that affect. Maybe it is because I deal with the 3 teenagers so much, that she is such a refreshing dose of sunshine no matter what she does.
~but I have caught her practicing a very dramatic eye roll in the mirror. So not sure how much longer I will have sunshine. I see the rain clouds forming already. I have to remember to thank my older girls for teaching her that.~
Oh, I can't lie. She probably learned it from me.I am the QUEEN of eye rolling. I started young with my parents, then teachers(only when they weren't looking) and now my poor husband gets the eye roll at least 5 times a day, if not more. I will still blame my daughters though! 

Anyway, how could I go on with the rest of my morning knowing that little peanut butter candy's were floating around in her stomach, bobbing up and down in a sea of saltines.
~Is it just me, or does anyone else think of saltines ONLY as a Morning Sickness Meal???~
My 15 year old daughter loves Saltines, and requested I buy them. She is also obsessed with Teen Moms on MTV. 
That's it. Her and J-Man are breaking up this instant!!! Overreaction?? 
O.K. I will calm down
They are just Saltines!

O.K. So back to my mom of the year story; one that will surely go on to win a Mom of the Year contest in Good Housekeeping or Family Circle
or Jailhouse Mom's. 
As long as I win!!

So this is what Candy and Crackers Mom did next

"Thank you Mama! You are the best Mom in the WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!"
(she did not really say that. But it's only because her mouth was full, and I have taught her to not talk with food in her mouth. She was definitely thinking it though!) 

I had to redeem myself somehow.

Then we sat outback enjoying the warm weather we have been blessed with lately, and I ignored her some more while I read the Hunger Games. 

Don't worry I made her lunch.
Snickers  Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Drunken Lullabies with Flogging Molly

YAY! We are going to see Flogging Molly in concert tonight at the House of Blues!

It was a Christmas present from me to my husband. Great thing about buying your mate concert tickets, is that you get to enjoy it too! Not to shabby!

Well, before we head to downtown San Diego, sway our hands or jump up and down to an AWESOME band, I must first take care of my mommy duties-

  • Go to work, get off early so I can come home plan my outfit
  • Daughter springs on me that she needs to buy her friend a Birthday present. It is her BEST Friend, so this can't just be some re-gifted item I pull out from my re-gift stockpile. Uggh, off to get her a gift card. 'Oh mom, also can I run into the craft store. I want to buy some poster board to make her a giant card'- FYI, homemade GIANT cards are really in right now. Anyone else with teens dealing with this? 
  • Tell both the older girls to please straighten up a bit while we are gone. Don't forget whose dish night it is, and be good for Mema and Papa when they get here.
  • Deal with finding out why a charge is on my credit card statement from February 15th in Yuma Arizona. Husband looking into it, while I try to get ready! Husband yelling at me upstairs while I am still trying to decide on what to wear 'Babe, when did you go on that girls trip to the river? Obviously not February right? Wasn't it July or August?Babe come downstairs, did you go to Da Boys Pizza when you went to the river?You spent $9.03 cents, right? Why would they be charging it now? Did they ever originally charge you the first time? Where are our files?'  Ugggghhhh!!!!
  • I run downstairs to go over statements real quick, listen in as he calls Da Boyz Pizza, where they explain to him the glitch in their system, yada yada, blah blah. All is taken care of. Thank God!
  • I run back upstairs
  • Doorbell rings.I run back downstairs My dad is here to take the older girls out to dinner, while my mom is going to come up in a bit to watch my 5 year old. Usually the older girls can watch the five year old, but for nights where it may be a long one, I have my parents come up. They live down the street. 'Girrrrrllllls, Papa is here to take you to dinner'
  • I run back upstairs to look for my black bandeau strapless bra. My fifteen year old stole borrowed it! DAM! Now she is gone at a restaurant, so 2 of my outfit choices are done. I text her to ask 'hey, did you take my bra?'  "Ooops" she says!
  • Thirteen year old chimes in from the background. 'You can borrow mine mom!' Bless her tiny 32AA little heart!  
  • SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!!! SHIT!! I forgot to put my pants in the dryer! Look at clock! I need a cider!
  • Run back downstairs, grab a cider and start guzzling. Unfortunately, rather than calm me, it'll probably make me burpy. Oh well,guzzle away........GUZZLE GUZZLE!! 
  • Outfit! O.K. Outfit............ Green, off the shoulder shirt? Black tank with jeans? UGGHHH!!
  • Husband asking me if he can just run to Roberto's and grab a burrito while I get ready? He can't wait to get downtown, he is hungry now. Then he starts shootin out the questions. 'O.K., doors open at 6:30, but there are 3 bands before Flogging Molly comes out. If we get there too early we will just be standing. Plus I doubt you want to be right at the front of the stage right? I mean there will be a mosh pit. Remember what happened last time?'
  • Decide to not get there too early, and NOT be upfront at the stage. 
  • Husband just got home with burrito, my five year old is waiting for me to wipe her butt (yes, sometimes I still wipe her if I am around. Gotta get her clean!) And I still need to decide on what to wear. 
  • Pray that my dryer starts working in warp speed, work out the gas bubbles that gulping this cider has caused me, put on some lip gloss, and be on our way. 
  • Ahhhh, Breathe!!! 

I will post again tomorrow, about how the show went.
I am soooo excited
I left you with a video.
If you like Flogging Molly.....Great!
If not, don't watch the video
Or if you are like me, and you do LOVE Flogging Molly, but are usually to pre-occupied, lazy, and impatient to click on video links.....well, then, I feel you. I get it! I am the same way!

Hopefully I will have my own video by the end of the night! 
Woo Hoo!
Mama and Daddy deserve a fun night tonight!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

This is what I think........and I don't care what they think

Woke up to the sun shining through my bedroom window this morning.

I think I will put some shorts on, and sit outback reading the Hunger Games.

My husband thinks that we should straighten up the house a bit,then sit down and go over our budget.

I think that idea sucks!

My daughter asked if her boyfriend could come over, so they could hang out and watch a movie.

She said the DVD player in the living room wasn't working, so they had to watch it in her room.

"Don't worry, my door will stay wide open. I know the rules"

I think the movie they are going to watch sounds entertaining. They won't mind if I sit in the middle of them,and watch it too.

They think I suck!

I think my five year old daughter's room is a DISASTER.

I asked her to please clean her room. I think that is not to much to ask.

She thinks she can answer back to me 'I will mommy........when I feel like it......tomorrow o.k.?'

I think she may have inherited some of my lazy gene.

I think I hear her in there cleaning now. Hmmmm! I think maybe she is not so lazy after all.

I asked my thirteen year old what her plans were today?

She said 'I think I want to go shopping.'

I asked 'With what money?'

She stared at me blankly, thinking I was going to go outside and pick money off of our tree.

I think she should call up some friends, and go to the beach.

She said 'I don't know why but shopping just sounds fun.'

I think she is a shopaholic, with no money, and an intervention is in the future.

I also think she had better have a successful career, and make lots of money (or marry a rich man). 

My husband just told me that I look 'hot' in my shorts(even though my legs have not seen the light of day for a few months) and it is such a beautiful day outside that he is thinking he may detail my car for me, and then afterwards we could sit outback and have lunch. 
'I think we should worry about doing the budget later' he says.

I don't think he sucks anymore!

I think he is a wonderful guy!

I think today is a gorgeous day.

I think I am going to enjoy today.

*I think I may buy myself some self tanning lotion.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Depeche Mode Made Me Crash My Parents Car in High School

If you have read any of my old posts, you may remember reading about my gut wrenching, white knuckled freeway anxiety.

I am happy to say it is one hundred percent almost gone!

When it started a few years ago, I was at first perplexed, then worried, then angry, then upset, sad, perplexed again. I asked my doctor to prescribe me Xanax just for road trips; because crying to your husband that he is going to kill us if he drives any faster, and pressing on your imaginary brakes the whole time is not good for any marriage.

I did not get the Xanax, but was told to look deeper into what was causing it. Maybe talk to somebody is what my doctor told me. Well I am too busy to sit down and talk to somebody, so that was out of the question.

It wasn't just when others were driving it was when I was driving as well. I stayed in the slow lane, absolutely certain that a tire was going to blow out on my car, I would lose control and die!!!

I walked into Cost Plus one day to buy a candle, and possibly some throw pillows for my home. There was a little basket on a shelf calling out to me. I wandered over, and saw a large pile of little tiny dolls with explanations for each doll. They were Worry Dolls. My friend was having issues with her teenage son, so I started digging through the basket searching for a Teenager Worry Doll. I then realized, who am I kidding, she is a total Christian who thought Harry Potter supported wizardry, and 'Hocus Pocus', so she definitely was not going to look towards a Mayan Worry Doll to pour her faith into. I on the other hand was raised Catholic, but am open to whatever works. I live with the idea that as long as you are just a good person, then all is good. And not to pat myself on the back, but I am pretty sure God likes me. I'm kind of a nice person. Can't go wrong there!
I kept searching through the basket, because now I was just intrigued.
And then I saw it, like a little Mayan angel, sent from above;or sent from Central America,but wherever he was sent from, he was in my cart now.

I will put you under my pillow. You will make everything better!o.k. little buddy....

He was only a Car Worry Doll, but sometimes I would tell him other worries. Like I'm worried that I don't have an outfit to wear to the wedding we are attending this weekend. I am worried that the beauty supply no longer carries my hair dye. I am worried that I left my sunglasses at the grocery store, and I am worried that these boots don't look right with this outfit......

I had the doll for about 2 years. I just started feeling a bit more at ease about 3 months ago. I would like to thank my new Mayan friend, but since I started out with him under my pillow, but then lost him, and then found him again as I sucked him up into our vacuum, I am not sure he was the reason I stopped having roadside panic attacks. If anything he is probably a little pissed that he got sucked up into a black hole of dust bunnies. In fact, as he was flapping around the wheel of the Vacuum, I heard him mumbling something about bigger troubles ahead...... the end of the world .... freeway shmeeway .......the ancient Mayan calendar predictions.......something,something....blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he is now in my junk drawer with my rubber bands, old batteries, and broken flashlights.

Just as fast as the freeway torture came into my life, it was disappearing. But it did make me stop and think a little more deeper  into it. Why had it come on?? My husband suggested one day, that it was post traumatic stress disorder,maybe from a previous car accident.


Come to think of it, I did have an awful car crash in High School. And guess who's car I totaled....
Mine? Nope! My parents car! I asked my dad to trade cars with me for a day. His car had a cassette player, and mine only had a radio;not to mention, a radiator leak, rusted holes in the trunk, moldy french fries under the seats, and fast food cups everywhere.We both had Toyota Camry's,mine paid for courtesy of my job at the Restaurant on the Pier.(Courtesy of my parents too, who only made me pay $1500 of the $3000 they bought it for)

I was going to drive my cousin to San Diego that day, so we picked up my Best Friend, and headed on our way. Of course I first went through my plastic crate that held all of my cassettes.Gotta have some tunes, since that was the whole point of borrowing his car, and entrusting him with my trash can on wheels!

We only drove about 5 miles down the freeway before it started to lightly sprinkle. No big deal! I was 17 years old, totally experienced in life and driving (yeah, right!!) I looked down real quick to find my Depeche Mode tape and then I look up and I see brake lights, I swerve to the right,my car (or should I say my parents car) starts fishtailing,eventually doing 360's until I finally crashed into the center divider. I clung onto the steering wheel screaming, looked at my cousin in the front seat next to me, then to the back seat where my best friend was sitting. As my car spun, and circled out of control, I honestly felt like we were in a cloud.I could hear the screeching, the sound of metal crashing, my best friend and my cousin yelling. But at the same time, it was like we were floating, and the sounds were muffled.

Many onlookers pulled over to help us. These were the days before cell phones, but days of car phones. One man ran over saying he had already called 911. One of my most surreal memories was of a woman rushing over to me, peeling my fingers off of the steering wheel, and asking me for my parents name and number. I remember crying that 'they are going to kill me' and she put her hand on me and said 'No, they will just be glad you are alive'. She then kept her hand on me and said "Honey, I don't know if you are religious or not, but you, little girl, had a guardian angel watching over you" She, and the man who had called 911,then proceeded to talk about how they honestly could not believe what they just witnessed. A busy  weekend on the San Diego freeway, my car starting in the fast lane, doing 360's all the way to the slow lane, then back to the fast lane center divider. And I did not hit one car. Not one car!!!!

Maybe that is why I felt as though we were in a cloud....
A muffled cloud.....
Maybe I was being carried to safety...
Maybe I did have a guardian angel...

Whip lash,slight black eye, and stitches on my friends leg from one of the back windows crashing out, resulting in some shards of glass in her thigh. That was it! 

Our parents rushed to the ER, and the woman was right.
My parents hugged me
My friends parents hugged me
They were just happy we were alive

My parents car was TOTALED
The junk yard was it's new home
My dad was able to buy a new car
I got back my radiator leaking, rust bucket
and appreciated every fuzzy radio station 
that my Cassette Playerless stereo had to offer me

So here is my own theory on the whole freeway anxiety thing.My son was working towards getting his drivers license, eventually obtaining one, and buying his own rolling heap of junk. I am a natural worrier, and once I realized my little babies were turning into car owning, car driving members of society, I kinda started to freak. I was losing control of my kids;that mixed with an extremely late in life onset of Post Traumatic Stress, was surely to blame . You can call me Dr. J.R.. Call me with all of your anxiety diagnosis needs.My 15 year old daughter is getting ready to sign up for Drivers Ed, so thank god I am getting a handle on this. 
Dear Freeway Anxiety,
So glad you are going away now!
No time for this!
I drive a lot,
and the white knuckled stuff was giving me carpal tunnel..... 
or arthritis, 
just really ugly white knuckles........ 

I remembered myself as a teenager. I remember how invincible I thought I was. I would change lanes without even a second glance. I would pile friends into my car with no seat belt. I would have one hand on the steering wheel, while the other was searching through the center console for the perfect mixed tape, all the while balancing a Roberto's Bean and Cheese burrito in my lap. I would ask my friend to take the wheel so that I could throw on my Fisherman's Restaurant Polo shirt, over my bikini top;always late to work! Ahhhh,the memories!!! 

Nowadays teenagers have so much more to distract them. Cell phones, texting, talking, ipods, car chargers; o.k., our generation had talking too, but I wanted to add that in there. Talking is distracting, especially if you use alot of hand gestures when you talk, such as I do.  
I have texted my son before, because I think he is at home. I get a text back saying
'Ma, I'm driving'
You are driving???!!!!
And you just texted me???!!!!!

I guess in life, there are always dangers. 
There are always distractions
There is always going to be that song that you just had to play right that second
There is always going to be Depeche Mode

Dear Mom and Dad,
I may have never told you this
but, this is where that unconditional love comes in.
When you asked me about the accident, 
and the specifics of what happened.....
It wasn't the jerk in front of me, who just slammed on his brakes without warning!
I mean, he did have to slam on his brakes, but I probably would have had a longer time to react, had it not been for the fact that I was searching through my bag. 
O.K. well this is where it gets tricky.................Had I not been searching through my................Looking for my........................................................................................ LOOKING FOR MY DEPECHE MODE TAPE!!!!!! There I said it!!!!!!
I had to put on the perfect song for driving with my best friend. It was of the utmost importance for the beginning of our little freeway road trip to San Diego.
I mean,you understand right?
I am sure you remember leaning over, looking in your glove box, one hand on the wheel, and the other digging for your Beach Boys 8 Track Tape???


I'm taking a ride with my best friend
I hope he never lets me down again

Drive safe kids
Don't text
Don't talk
Put your ipod on shuffle

Just let the music flow
Whether it is
Depeche Mode
Marky Mark
Stevie B
The Cure
Fleetwood Mac
Beach Boys
Lil' Wayne
Nicki Minaj
Garth Brooks
Jason Aldean
or None of the above
Get there safely!
You don't want to have to admit 20 years later to your parents that LMFAO made you crash their car because you just had to hear
Party Rock Anthem!!

*this post dedicated to my Mom, Dad, and their Grey Toyota Camry with the cassette player.
J.R. at 15 1/2 learning to drive
Exactly 2  years later, a Depeche Mode Song would cause the destruction of this car
"Never Let Me Down Again"Sorry little car,
Sorry I let you down

* Disclaimer- Depeche Mode is not really to blame. My own negligence and lack of safe driving were. Depeche Mode still brings me happiness, or darkness depending on the song (ahem... Blasphemous Rumors) I think I may go turn on my ipod and get nostalgic :)