OH MY GOD - I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my god, WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME?"

"You ruined my LIFE!"

"You are soooooooooooo embarrassing!No other parents do that!"

"******'s mom buys her whatever clothes she wants!"

"*****'s parents just took her to Contempo Casuals and bought her a new cropped shirt! Why can't you be like them?"

"What?? WHAT??? You said 'hi' to the boy I like???I'm NEVER going to school again! EVER!!!"

"Drop me off at the corner! The cor.....what?? What are you doing? Why are you pulling up in front of the school? I said the cooooorrrrrnnnnnneeeerrrrrr.............Ugggggghhhhh! So embarrassing!"

"Mom, are you seriously going to pull over and ask that kid if he wants a ride? WHY? He is in my math class, and he is a weirdo? I don't care if it's raining, you are soooo EMBARRASSING!!"

"Why are you waving at them?Soooooo embarassing!"

"On restriction? Are you serious? There is a HUGE party on Friday and everybody is going! I swear I will never roll my eyes or talk back to you again!I promise! I am so sorry......You are the best parents in the world...........Can't I get off restriction on Thursday? What? WHY?......You are the WORST parents in the entire world."         SLAM- "Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door" - Yeah right, I DID mean to slam it!!!-     "What? Huh, I didn't say anything, I said 'I love you guys'"

"Wait! Dad, you are kidding me right? RIGHT? Did you really paddle your board over to a group of my guy friends out in the water, and ask which one was my boyfriend and then introduce yourself to him? Please tell me you are joking!............Yes it is a big deal..........I am going to kill myself. "  - SLAM- Door slams, "ha ha, let them think I'm in my room actually causing harm to myself".........................."umm, how come they are not checking on me?"..........."Don't they care?".....................UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

"Seriously Mom, when you pick my friends and I up from the mall, do we have to listen to Joan Baez, or Joni Mitchell, or the Neville Brothers, or whatever else you listen to? I am bringing my Kid n Play, or Rob Base cassette tapes!......Fine, compromise with my Pretty in Pink Soundtrack! Your music is so embarrassing, it is probably killing my friends ears."

Parents are certainly the most embarrassing people walking the face of the earth. Just ask any teenager, and you will see that the census sways in the direction of 'Parents just should not exist'

The above quotes?  They are all things that ......................

That.......

That I......

That I have heard from.......

That I have heard from my.....

That I have heard from my own two ears.

That I have heard from my own two ears,

Coming out of ........

Coming out of my OWN TWO LIPS!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am the awful teen that spouted these words of hate and rebellion!

Spouting them vehemently from my own two lips!

What a wretched teen I was!

They were all from me.

Yup, sweet, wonderful daughter, J.R.!

I was a good kid, really not too bad, but gosh I could be a brat. A BIG GIANT BRAT!!!!! I loved my parents, and still do, more than anything in the entire world. But everything, and I mean everything, was embarrassing to me. I guess looking back on it, maybe I struggled with some self esteem issues. Always doubting what was cool, what would be accepted. I wish I could go back in time and give the teenage me a bit more confidence. I was not unpopular, I was not unattractive, I was not anything that could be looked at as negative for a teen.In fact, I was semi popular. Dipping one foot in with the Uber popular kids, and one foot in to the wading pool of semi popular. Not too shabby actually.  I think I was just plain and simply a TEEN! That is it. 

Nowadays, I am pretty sure about myself. I am not really lacking in self confidence, other than the occasional normal stuff. 

These days my parents do not embarrass me, just for the fact that they are breathing.In fact I love and appreciate them so much, that to say they ever embarrassed me nowadays would almost feel sacrilegious, ungrateful, down right awful. When I was a teen, they were not even able to breathe-Good lord, how dare they breathe or exist? Geez! Don't they know I have my teenage life and reputation to uphold. But now I need, love, and admire them so much that they better keep on breathing. Dammit, don't they know they have a daughter to keep on keeping on for?

But what I have actually come to the realization of is this- My parents are actually considered to be 'Cool'! Don't tell them that though, don't need any big heads goin on. They are not, nor were they ever cool in the way of being 'those parents'. You know, the ones that let you drink, stay out all night, cover for you, and help you roll your first joint.When you are young, those are the 'Cool' parents. I would hear rumors of 'Those' parents existing, and think 'Why was I not born to them'?

Or those other kind of 'Cool Parents'- The rich ones! My mom did not take me shopping every weekend like other moms, and I did not have a wardrobe that was to die for thanks to my 'super young fashionable rich' mom. My dad wasn't the kind of 'Daddy' that made me out to be 'Daddy's Princess', buying me a car for my 16th Birthday or lavishing me with gifts,money, and material items. My mom did not wear makeup, or understand my need for getting to the drugstore because I was out of mousse, and that is considered an emergency for a girl with a spiral perm. 

I would not realize until years later, and I would run into people from high school, that my parents were just cool, because........well, just because they were just plain COOL! 

My dad is a wonderful man. Honest, true, kind hearted, dependable, responsible, loving, caring and kind. Not to mention he is a surfer! He has surfed at the same beach since he was a kid, and is definitely a respected local. But most of all, my dad loves me! He never made me feel less than. He never put unrealistic expectations on me. He never made me feel bad, guilty, or awful for mistakes that I made. My dad has always loved me unconditionally.

My mom is a wonderful woman. Nurturer, loving, caring, and kindness beyond belief. Neighborhood kids knew that they could bring baby birds that they found on the ground TO HER!. She would feed it and take care of it. She was probably hipper, cooler, and more with it than I gave her credit for. I also have to say that maybe as a daughter, I was a bit harder to get along with than my brothers. Mothers and daughters just clash by nature. I, of course, am learning that now.My mom (like my dad) loves me one hundred percent UNCONDITIONALLY! And that is alot more than I can say for most parents.

I love my parents more than the sun, moon and stars! They don't embarrass me anymore.

They can't!

They just can't!

I am an adult!

I am secure!

I am confid.......

Confiden........

Confident!........

Oh, wait a minute!!

Oh Shit!!!

Wait, my mom is on Facebook!

My reputation!

DID SHE JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH MY 7th GRADE BOYFRIEND????

Ohhhhhhh Nooooooooo, She Di'int!

Oh My God!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

Did she just comment on my 7th grade boyfriends picture that he posted 2 years ago (meaning that she has been spending the day 'creeping' on his old albums')

O.M.G.!!!!!

My daughters accuse me all the time of being a 'Facebook Creeper'
Me?
Not me, I am a cool mom!
Geez!

I am a teenager all over again, only I am not a teenager.I am a mature adult who appreciates my parents. Who loves my parents. I am incapable of being embarrassed..........DAMMIT......DAMMIT...

It is hard being older and mature! 

This is what I woke up to.
This is what I logged on to Facebook and saw this morning.

J.R.s Facebook Wall

J.R.'s Mom- Made a comment on 'J.R.s childhood boyfriends photo'

 Comment to a picture my off and on junior high/high school boyfriend posted of himself from Junior High.A YEAR AGO!! MOM, You creepin much??
You just became friends with him 2. 5 hours ago woman! 

WOW! Thanks Mom! Love you too! Facebook is NOT private ya know! Your last name??? Well, it was my last name all through school...........Yup!!! Everyone will know who your 'winky face' is talking about!

Ugghhh

You are a Cool Mom
You are a Cool Mom
Everyone Likes you
Everyone Likes You
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths

Speed Dial Therapist
Speed Dial Therapist

Fuck , I don't have a Therapist
Xanax
Xanax

Xanax downed with Pear Cider

I don't have Xanax.......Ugghhh, I wish I did!

O.K. Deep Breaths.
Calming down
I'm Calm


You are a cool mom!

I'm sleepy


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* I called my mom this morning

My dad answered

I started off the conversation saying "Dad, you remember in junior high when you paddled your longboard over to ***** and said "Hi, I'm J.R.'s dad!Just wanted to introduce myself"

"Yes! How could I forget? I 'ruined your life' that day. What about it?

"Well, you need to tell my mother she's killin me! That woman is killin me!"

"What did your mom do?"

"She commented on *****'s photo on Facebook!"

"Oh, well I can't control what she does on Facebook. Here let me hand the phone to her."

I hear laughs, mumbles, and more laughs

They think this is funny??

"Mom?"

"Uh, Oh, what did I do?"

All of a sudden I didn't have the heart.

All of a sudden I did not want to lecture my mom on embarrassing me.

All of a sudden a thought came into the forefront of my brain.

All of the people over the years that have told me,mentioned to me, or confided in me how much they really liked my parents growing up.

Including ***** my junior high boyfriend.

My mom is cool!

She has lived a long life, and most of that life she has had to endure me.

So I can endure her.

Why?

Because I would never want to wake up to a day where I didn't have her to endure,

Or love.

Happy 4th of July Everybody!

Selfless Mom - or - Selfish Mom? Sometimes a bit of both!

    Definition of SELFLESS

: having no concern for self : unselfish

Definition of SELFISH

1

: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

2

: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others <a selfish act>

I have a best friend who always describes me as being a completely selfless person.The most giving person she knows. She also boasts about how my children have always come first, blah, blah, blah!

I think about this sometimes,and I have to say I do agree with her............for the most part!

Why for the 'most part', you ask? Well, the other day at work, I was speaking to another good friend/co-worker of mine and we were talking about how, as mothers, our job is to always protect our children. NO MATTER WHAT! I was wholeheartedly agreeing with her, adding in my 'Uhh Hmmm's!' and 'You Betcha's' and 'Oh, totally 100%'s' But then we both eventually admitted to scenarios where we did not necessarily put our children's safety first. Like invasion of the body snatchers took over our otherwise selfless mom minds and turned us into..................................Oh, can I even admit it?......Turned us into Selfish Moms!!!! Panic, dismay, and a complete sense of self dissapointment had overcome both of us at one time. Well, we had our little secret club now. Confiding in one another, times where as 'Mommies' we acted as purely childless women, with no care for any human life other than our own!

So it got me thinking. I am going to make a mental list of my SELFLESS mom moments and my SELFISH mom moments. I'm really hoping one side outweighs the other.......

• Not planning a meal correctly, resulting in one chicken breast short for my family. Mom winds up with a plate of only green beans and mashed potatoes, NO chicken. Husband and children come first! - Selfless
• Being asked for 1 dollar, 5 dollars, 20 dollars, 150 dollars by my children whether for junk food, mall money, or to help pay an auto mechanic bill. Knowing that the 1 dollar,5 dollars,20 dollars, or 150 dollars (which I had tucked away for a spa day) was the last in my wallet. My spending money for the week...... and of course it goes to the kids. - Selfless
• Having plans for months to go out with a girlfriend who lives about an hour away.Both of us having kids, we have to schedule according to our hectic lives. My daughter tells me, with one days notice, that she has changed her mind; she now wants to attend the school dance with her boyfriend,(because they are going back out) and she would like for me to do her hair and take her to get her nails done. The dance falling on the same night as my plans with a friend that I have not seen in a loooong while. Daughter comes first! - Selfless
• Daughter gets braces, she is in excruciating pain the first few nights. I decide to sleep in her bed with her, just so that I can rub her head, or simply be there as she tosses and turns and wakes up through the night.  Although I have an awful headache myself, and have not been sleeping well, and did I mention her bed is a tiny twin bed? Oh,and did I mention that while sleeping she moves, kicks, and turns around like a Tazmanian Devil on Crack? I swear she has almost broken my rib in her sleep (and that was when she was a tiny infant) - Selfless
• I just bought myself a stylish black top from Macy's. My teen daughter walks in saying that she really, really, REALLY wants to wear something super cute to school tomorrow, and she is tired of all her own clothes.I think to myself 'That black top paired together with her skinny jeans, and black Converse. She'd look pretty darn adorable!' So I yell for her to come back to my room, and I take the BRAND NEW (tags still on) black top out of my closet. Throw it at her, and say "here, try this on!" Of course she loved it, of course she wore it, of course she washed it and shrunk it. It is hers now. I didn't get mad (well, a little mad) - Selfless
• I am not really a big fan of driving on the freeway. In fact for a while I had pretty bad anxiety from it, resulting in the need to drink wine from a sippy cup;I wasn't driving while drinking out of the sippy cup,my husband was.I wanted the quick fix of a shot of Tequila, right before we left on our road trip, but no more Jose Cuervo left from our Margarita weekend the month before. So Wine in a sippy cup was my husbands idea. He wanted it gulped down by the time we got on the freeway so that I wasn't using my 'pretend brakes' or using my 'Oh Shit' handle to hang on for dear life imagining he was going to kill us. My freeway anxiety is slowly fading. Not sure why it came on, not sure why it's going away.Just glad it's almost gone. BUT......while it was in full effect, and I was at the peak of freeway hatred, my son needed me to lend him money so he could get his car out of the shop. He lives about a half hour up the freeway. There is no coastal route to take there, as the city I live in and the city he lives in with my ex is separated by a military base. Maybe I could drive up to the Military Police guarding the entrance, explain my new found anxiety, and ask a teensy weensy favor of them. That favor being,"hey, could you just let me slip onto your base, avoid the freeway, and take some of your 'top secret' military back roads to Orange County, and get my son the money he needs to get his car out of the shop." I decided against bribing a young marine to 'give me a lift in your tank' or 'just let me use some of your back roads,no body has to know'! So......anxiety ridden, white knuckled I made my way to pick up my son, and drive him to the auto repair store up the freeway more,!!!!!!! - Selfless

• Jumping in a Castle Jumpy for my daughters 4th Birthday (she is now 13). I was in there with my daughter, my neighbors daughter, and 2 other little ones. My ex husband accidentally unplugged the jumpy! Have you ever been in a jumpy when it is unplugged? ? ? Well, let me tell you it deflates. It deflates QUICKLY!!!!!!! VERY QUICKLY!!!So I did what came natural to me, and that was to get the hell out of there. I dove. Literally, DOVE out of the little netted opening, rolled down the inflatable landing slide, right onto the grass. All the while screaming "Everyone out!" As I look up, I see the house start to re-inflate. My ex, thank goodness, had realized what he did about 2 seconds after he unplugged it. 2 seconds was all it took though for every parent at the party to stand, stare and realize that J.R. was- Selfish Mom! Isn't it like on an airplane, where they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first??? I mean , even airline attendants tell you!!! I was saving myself first, giving myself the oxygen mask per say, so that I could then go back in and retrieve the trapped children. Sound reasonable? Anyone?? Anyone?? Fine! O.K.! - Selfish
• Beautiful sunny day in my backyard. Birds are chirping, ice tea is made. Snacks are in a bowl. My brand new library book is in hand. My little 4 year old baby bear is in her splash pool, behaving so well, keeping herself entertained. I look up to see hummingbirds fluttering near our outdoor fish pond. Ahhhh, what a life! What a perfect day off! What a gorgeous existence we have here on this wonderful planet we call Ea ....... What the Hell??? What is that noise? Where is that coming from? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BEE'S Oh Crap BEE'S ZZ   RUN, RUN, RUN, BEE'S, RUN!!!!!BZZZZZZZZBZZZZZZZZZ This was not 1 bee. Not 5 bees, not 50 bees. This was a SWARM!!!!! A swarm that turned the sky black,caused the ground to rumble and shake as though a pack of wild horses were making their way through my back yard.  So I ran. I Ran. I, Me, Myself. ME in the singular sense!I ran to the sliding glass door, and with one foot planted firmly in the safety of my kitchen, I yelled to my precious trusting daughter. The daughter whom I gave birth to. The daughter I breastfed for two, TWO years. The daughter I swore to always protect! I yelled to her "Run, Ki, Run. Get out of your pool, and RUNNNNNNNNNN!"- Now in my defense, I ran to the house in a psychotic panic, like almost blacked out panic! But I am sure I would have snapped out of it and grabbed her, but she is pretty darn quick. She made it to the house, without a single sting. She was fine, perfectly fine!; Thank God!!! (But maybe I will be talking to a therapist about this,because it has to be the symptoms of early onset multiple personality syndrome. That was NOT me, it had to be one of my EVIL SELFISH personalities. The real J.R. would never leave her child in danger, while only saving herself. I will make an appointment tomorrow. Get this straightened out!!!) O.K. No excuses- Selfish

Selfless definitely outweighs Selfish. I mean, I think so......
So the moral of this post is this. If any of you, any of you at all, are in the process of creating your will. And you are struggling with whom to leave your precious little ones with. Do not hesitate to entrust them in my care. I will love them, nurture them, give them hugs & kisses, feed them my chicken, hand them the shirt off my back, drive them to school dances, and fork over to them my last bit of money. I care and love more than I think is humanly possible. My husband sometimes says I care too much ( not that he doesn't ) but my life basically revolves around my children. And it will revolve around yours too. Cross my heart, hope to die........... Wait, the dying part...let's discuss that.I obviously have an issue with that. 

Bee Stings?


DEATHLY AFRAID OF BEE'S!

Suffocation by Bounce House? 

NOT MY THING!!!!!


Maybe you shouldn't trust me with your children. I can barely keep mine safe.

For the record:
* I would like a do over. I swear I will be better next time. You can test me. If you know of anybody that rents out swarms of bees for the day, preferably trained and tame, I swear, I PROMISE, I will first scoop my daughter up before I run into the house. 

Next party, we are renting a Bounce House. I will tell my husband to unplug that sucker, and I will grab every single child and carry them out to safety. 

I will then re post this same list in one year. It will only have SELFLESS moments! Unless that pesky other personality wants to come out and play. I shall call her Shelly. Selfish Shelly! Don't ever, under any circumstance, ever leave your children with her.