Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Thank God for Wal Mart and Duct Tape!

I'm tired, and my fingers don't even want to type.

So this will be short!


My daughters performed this week in their High School's Student Choreography show case. Props were needed. Props built by my husband, and painted by yours truly.

The first showing was a matinee at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday. The first performance is never crowded, and that was probably a good thing, as the tombstone prop that we built FAILED! 

The glue wasn't strong enough, or something; not to mention that my daughter probably did not pull her feet up high enough, and her sister and friend probably did not give all their strength when lifting her, but they are kids, they worked their butts off for the past month practicing, so I will blame it on the construction.
Lift your feet honey, Lift your feet!

Man Down, Man Down! Errr, I mean, Prop Tombstone Down, Prop Down!!

I can't imagine what was going through my daughters mind that very  second.
But she might have been thinking
Noooooooo, not my daughter!  I am sure she was thinking "Golly Gee Willakers, how did that happen?"I was mouthing
"Keep Dancing!KEEP DANCING!!!" 

~Cut to intermission~

Mom wipes a tear from daughters eye,
Mom helps both daughters & their friend laugh it off.
Mom finds someone with a roll of Duct Tape (yes, apparently people just carry it around with them) 
Mom runs backstage, and quickly starts taping like a mad woman, so it will be repaired before the 7:00 showing.
Mom then runs to Taco Bell to get the girls dinner before the night show.
Mom's phone rings as she is pulling out of the drive thru
"Uhh, can you get more duct tape?Some girl backstage wanted to see if she could jump over the tombstones, and she broke the other one. And Kialy's tombstone is kinda loose too"
Lo and Behold, I am in a Wal Mart shopping center.
Super Mom to the rescue.

Taco Bell delivered, Tombstone #2 and #3 repaired (and even better as I bought black duct tape, instead of the grey that I had to borrow the first time) 

Ready for the next dance!
Cross your fingers!
oh, and honey, lift your feet higher......Mom's just sayin......!

See the duct tape at the bottom? That is some handy work, huh? YEAH? Right?
I know! 

THEY ROCK.......And their mom isn't so bad either

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Did you just tell me to 'Shut the Hell Up'???

If you are driving with your six year old daughter, and you think you are entertaining her by engaging in some chit chat, and she says

"Umm, Mama I know a game we can play. Let's play the 'Whoever can be the most quietest game, and whoever talks loses, so if you talk you lose, but whoever is quietest wins, so you gotta be the quietest'......Yeahh, mama let's play that game"

Then she lays her head back against her head rest and stares out at the ocean as you take the scenic route home. 

Well you know what just happened?

You just got asked to 

 'Shut the hell up'

in six year old talk.

Did she just try to play the master?
Did she just do the ol' switcheroo and play me at my own game?
Did she .....
Did she.....??
Yeah, she just told me!

In all seriousness, this happened today. Did my daughter need some quiet time to mentally go over the events of her day?
Did she just want to stare at the waves crashing on the sand, and ponder the meaning of life?
Was my meaningless chit-chat not superb enough for her exuberant brain?


Do six year olds just need some quiet time in their life too?
We probably don't give the little ones enough credit, but they can be pretty wise.
Maybe it was her way of saying 
"Hey Mama, let's just be silent and enjoy the beauty of the ocean that we are so blessed to live by"


I think she was saying
"Shut the heck up Mama!Stop talking about all the fun things we are going to do this summer, and for the love of god PLEASE STOP SINGING
You cannot, and never will be able to sing like Kelly Clarkson, Adele, or Stevie Nicks. PLEASE STOP TRYING"

* This moment of silence is dedicated to my daughter. Really and truly one of the wisest, most thoughtful, and sweetest little human beings. 
Besides my other 3, they are pretty wise, thoughtful and sweet.
Dam equality! 

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I would like to thank my husband for sucking the life out of me one day at a time over the past month and a half

My husband had decided a few weeks ago to make some healthy changes in his life. In all honesty a trip to the doctor for a check up will do that to you. I was proud of him for coming home and stating to all that will listen that he was going to, quote, "Make some changes concerning some of my unhealthy habits"

Good for him!

Woo Hoo!

Way to go honey!

I'm proud of you!

No more midnight snacks? WOW babe, you are great!

Cutting back on carbs? You Rock!!!

Evening walks along with hoppin on the exercise bike? You are amazing me with every step.

De -Caff Coffee? You are the bomb!!!

Did you say you want to switch to 
De-Caff, and it'd be easier if we both did so that we don't have to make two pots, blah, blah, blah and it would do me some good also, and other bullshit? 

You are NOT great!
You do NOT rock!
Amazing me my ass!
You are NOT the bomb!
Actually you are a bomb. The bomb that blew up my happiness. The bomb that destroyed the center of my universe.
The bomb that singlehandedly took away every fiber of the neuron cells that produced my energy.

Want to see what I look like folks?

Hope you are happy honey bunny, pookie schnookie, pumpkin pie, apple of my eye. 
You said I'd 'get used to it!' 
You said 'It'll be good for you too'.
You said.......You said.........Uhhhhhhh, OH GOD, the lack of caffeine is causing memory loss. Somebody help me!

Friday, January 11, 2013

In case I don't see ya; Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night!

I will take a break from embarrassing my family, and instead I will simply put up pictures of the Christmas gift I made for my son this year.

His all time favorite movie is The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. It is not a movie showing Jim Carreys usual  Jim Carreyness. It is a satire of sorts, and a little bit of drama mixed with comedy. A semi darkness / sadness to it also (in my opinion) But just one of those movies that we love.

Anyway, I was trying to think of one more gift for my son for Christmas and suddenly it hit me. You know those poster prints that are all the rage right now. Basically a two toned printed with block letters spelling out either a favorite phrase, or lyrics from a song. Do It Yourselfers are learning from Pinterest how to create their own, and that is exactly what I did.

~Starting with a small piece of plywood my husband had left over from a job~

After this step, I used an antiquing varnish and wiped it over the whole print about 5 or 6 times. Then sanded some of the sides a bit to give it a vintage look. 

 I wrote something special on the back! Hopefully this will hang not only in his room, but in his bachelor pad, and eventually his family home. Unless he marries a woman that demands that he only hang it in his man cave or garage. Then we may have a problem. ;) 

The movie is about Truman, played by Jim Carrey, who lives his life in front of cameras on his own reality show. The only thing is, he is not aware that his life is being filmed. The cameras are hidden, and it has been that way since his birth. He is always cheerful to everyone, and the quote I painted is something that he would say to his neighbors in the morning. 

But at the end of the movie when he figures it all out and essentially 'escapes' the clutches of the producer he utters his famous quote one last time, but in a much different tone.

Great Movie! 

Tomorrow I will be back to my usual  programming;
You know, showcasing the shenanigans of my family. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Should I steal toilet paper from the mall? Just this once?

So my girls had money and gift cards from Christmas, and they were burning a hole in their pockets.

They did not want to go to our same ol' boring, lame, tiny mall - quote from the teens, as I personally like our mall.

So I decided to take them to a mall about 30 minutes away. It has a few stores that our mall does not have, including a Nordstroms, H&M, and a 3 Story Target!!! 
3 Story Target? I'm sold.

We shopped, we ate in the food court, and we shopped some more. Six of us total, as I let the girls each invite a friend.

Back at the Food Court for our second time in the evening, we all sat there a bit run down looking. I am not the hugest shopper, but today I went full force, and I tell ya; This Mama was pooped!

"Hey Guys, I know we haven't even stepped foot in the giganticor (made up word) Target, but I am done for the night. I don't think I can walk another step."


"O.K. your dad just texted me. He needs us to stop and get toilet paper on the way home~SHIT! I am so tired, I don't want to have to go anywhere else"
And tired I was. After this conversation with the girls, I used the restroom in the food court and as I sat on the toilet, I actually contemplated just grabbing a roll from the stall and sticking it in my purse. 
I said CONTEMPLATED, not DID IT! But boy did I contemplate long and hard. I was just so tired, and just wanted to get home.Dam my moral compass!

"Come on girls, let's go. I'm exhausted, and we still are going to have to stop by the store for toilet paper."




This is not a mall that we come to very often, and we were all a bit turned around.I swore that the Target was literally right next to the Nordstroms, which is where we parked. We could purchase the TP, head out the Target doors and be right at our car. 

Paid for the TP, and my oldest daughter grabbed it from the checker as I put my wallet back in my purse.
Finally heading home.
Wait! This isn't where we are parked.So we walk back into Target, and realize that we actually have to go out the Target doors, and back into the mall. Turn left, and head all the way down the first floor until we hit Nordstroms, then go through Nordstroms, and then we will be in the right parking lot.

Question: How long do you think it took my daughter to realize that she was holding the big bundle of Toilet Paper, and that she was going to have to carry it through the ENTIRE MALL?

Answer: About 2.6 seconds - "OH MY GOD!! Is anyone looking at me? I can't believe I'm carrying toilet paper through the mall. Why are you guys walking so fast, wait........" 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I Don't See Nothing Wrong With a Little Bump-N-Grind

Hey Ladies, you know that Double Edged Sword known as the "Husband Massage"? You know, where the husband actually surprises you by offering up his massage skills, only to have the massage sabotaged by his penis. Somehow his thumbs are tired after 5.6 seconds of rubbing, but by golly Mr.Penis looks as though he just drank 10 Red Bulls!

Let me explain it:

Wife: Gosh, my back and neck really have been hurting lately. I mean, really sore. I sure wish I could get a massage!

Husband: Then go get one. 

Wife: We don't have the money right now. Also, I am pretty traumatized from the last massage I got which I have now dubbed " The worst massage EVER because I was holding in a Fart the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME" Dam my gassy stomach and irritable bowel syndrome!!!! I just wish you would give me a massage. Like a real massage! Like the one you gave me when we were first dating. Oil, tranquil music, full 50 minute massage. Wow those were the good ol' days!! Hint Hint

Husband: O.K. you are right! You deserve one. Tonight we will relive the 'good ol' days as you like to call them, and I will give you a real massage. 

Wife: A real one! No whining that your hands are tired, but YOU aren't too tired if 'you catch my drift'??!!??

Husband: Yes, a real massage. Promise! 

Fast Forward to Tonight

Kids in bed   -   check
Lights dimmed - check
One excited, ready to relax wife - double check

Wife: Hey babe, just turn on one of the cable music channels on the t.v. Find some mellow music.

Husband: Good idea.

Mellow music - check

I will give it to my husband. He was doing fantastic. AWESOME in fact. His hands were workin their magic. He rubbed, kneaded, circled, and touched all my sore areas. He was focused. His hands were working, and his penis was not distracting him..........

Remember the mellow music playing from the cable t.v. music channels?

Well I was not paying 100% attention to what music was accompanying my massage. There was an old school Whitney Houston song, a Boyz to Men number, and some Mariah Carey. 

But then this
With lyrics like these, let's just hope he has suddenly gone deaf! FOCUS!

[Chorus: repeat 4x]

I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind

See I know just what you want and I know just what you need girl
So baby bring your body to me (bring your body here)
I'm not fooling around with you baby
My love is true (with you) with you is where I want to be, girl see
you need someone someone like me to satisfy your every needs

How does it all end you ask?

Well my 50 minute massage was actually interrupted by a little monster; No, not his Bump-n-Grind Penis!

A knock, knock, knock at our door. A six year old little monster, a.k.a. our daughter, had a bad dream.

Husbands internal secret thought: 
DAMMIT!!!! F*CK, SH*T, DAMMITTT!!!!!I think I almost had her into wanting some of my 'Bump -N- Grind' action!!! DAM KIDS!!!

Wife's internal secret thought:
DAMMIT, my 50 minute massage got cut short at 28 minutes! He owes me 22 minutes. Oh well, at least we were interrupted before he started Bumpin and Grindin, instead of Kneadin-n-Massagin...........