Me is really smart! Ain't I? Just ask my BFF!

I am pretty lucky in the job department. I have worked for the same company for 11 years, and honestly other than wishing that I was rich and didn't have to work at all, this is the next best thing. (well, maybe the next, to next, to the next best thing. But still a great place to work!)

But one of my ABSOLUTE favorite reasons for loving my place of employment is that I actually get to work next to one of my best friends in the entire world. 

I met her when I started working there, and after we got over the hump of getting to know one another, we realized we were soulmates. 

In many ways we are different:

She doesn't take crap from anybody                    

I, on the other hand, take your crap, hold onto it for you, and tell you your crap smells like roses all the while smiling.I will nurture it, hug it, and keep it safe for you!

She does not get nervous in professional office situations. In fact she is calm and cool, and intelligence oozes out of her.

I on the other hand develop a horrible case of the nerves anytime we have important meetings with anyone other than our normal work crew! If my Immodium A-D doesn't take affect quick enough, the only thing that oozes out of me is diarrhea! 

On the other hand,she does get nervous in certain social situations. BBQ's, Parties, etc.

Social situations..........Pssshhhh, a breeze! Gimme a microphone, I'll even tell you some jokes!

When she gets drunk, you really can't tell.Other than a glassy eyed look, and a slight head roll and finger snapping attitude that decides to come out, she is never falling down drunk.

When I am drunk, you really CAN tell! I will just leave it at that......You really, REALLY can tell! 
REALLY, REALLY can tell!!!!! 

She has curly hair

I have straight hair 

(figured I'd throw that in there)

In alot of ways we are the same:

She can spot a bargain from 10 miles away. 

I can spot a bargain from 9.9 miles away.

(hey, close enough)

She has a buttload of kids

I have a buttload of kids

She grew up in our town

I grew up in our town

(I am a few years older than her, we went to competing high schools, but did not actually know one another when we were young)

She has stomach issues

I have stomach issues

(this alone made us soulmates.When you go to a Quickbooks class with a new co-worker, then ask for the bathroom key, and don't come back until 2 hours later. ...... well there is no room for embarrassment. You just gotta put it out there! "O.K. I get diarrhea ...... I mean ALOT"  When you hear back an "Oh my god, I have stomach issues too!" Well a friendship is formed for life!!)

We have the EXACT SAME TASTE IN FOOD

We have the EXACT SAME TASTE IN FOOD

She will tell a story, and I will know exactly where she is going with it

I will tell a story and she will know exactly where I am going with it

(in fact, we will keep a story going, embellishing it, making it more humorous and adding to one another's 'stories' to keep it all going)

I love to text her. Sometimes it is easier than a phone call. Stories, sentences, one liners, jokes, or just a stupid emoticon (like the piece of poop emoticon on the iphone. Immature? Yes. Funny? Yes)
She loves to text me. She understands it is easier than a phone call. 
(Sometimes we text each other until one of our husbands has to put the brakes on it, accusing us of sitting on our butts, laughing out loud to our phones, and forgetting we have dinner on the stove)
'Ooops, sorry honey! Just texting D.'
'Why don't you just call her. Or better yet, go down to her house, she just lives down the street?'
'Because I wanted to hang out with you tonight Babe! But hold on, let me text her back one more thing' "LOL       LOL         LOL      OMG           LOL       Husband getting cranky! I'll see you tomorrow at work! Bleh, can he be any moodier! Whahhh, Whahhh!! I burned the biscuits! 
Call a WAA-MBULANCE! LOL!! LOL!! Gotta go!"
'What are you laughing at over there?'
'Nothing honey! O.K. I turned my phone off. Now where were we pookie........'

Our differences are very different.

But our similarities are extremely similar.

So it was no surprise today when we were both at our desks

Checking our emails

Getting updated on our tasks for the day

Going over contracts, websites, paperwork

Filtering out stuff in our inbox

and

NOURISHING OUR BRAIN

to it's fullest potential.

We both believe that being smart is important.

How do we do this you ask?

Read books?

Study current events?

Attend classes at our local college?

No, we eat smart!

As I was chomping down on this

Smart Popcorn! I can feel the intelligence growing inside me.I won't be able to contain it!

She was guzzling this down

The bottle is almost empty. Somebody, QUICK,!Call 9-1-1, her brain is about to explode with Smarts!!!

Oh, and one more thing that we have in common.....
the way we think


As soon as it was pointed out that we were both consuming brainiac snacks, what did we do?


We both grabbed our phones out of our purses and took a picture......


all the while laughing, because we had realized we both grabbed our phones.


So now we were laughing at the Smart Food
We were laughing at our phones
We were laughing because we were laughing
And then
We laughed some more!






Soulmates!

A Broken Hand is NO GOOD FOR A BLOGGER!!

You cannot type with a broken hand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, I can only imagine how hard it would be to type with a broken hand..............

I mean.......

Oh, do you think I am talking about myself? Do you think that is where I have been?

Sorry to mislead you.

I didn't break my hand!

I was just saying, wondering

Thinking out loud!

Got your attention though!

Where have I been?

No good excuses, really..... I wish I had some terrific, funny, outrageous story. But, sadly, I don't.

Here is a quick re-cap of my last few weeks, in pictures!

I will be back with a vengeance! I have so many blogs in my head, that the fire department is getting ready to be called due to my brain reaching it's maximum occupancy limit. There is an unsafe number of words piling into this little head! It is against the city ordinance! Some of these thoughts are going to have to leave, or there could be a riot! No one wants a riot coming out of this mind! Believe me!

First of all WORK. VERY BUSY right now.

No, I don't work for a chicken tender/corn dog taste testing company. Geez!
I just really wanted junk this day!
That little dish with the fork sticking out? Those are green beans to go with my corn dog and chicken tenders.
See? Healthy, Right?

Second of all......Family Stuff! Broken hearted daughter, Easter, just stuff!

When your daughter comes home with a broken heart because some little nimrod stomped on it, well you make her homemade Frappuccino's, and Ruffles chips for dinner.
And you just listen
And you share your heartbreaks
And then you get a bad stomachache, because Ruffles and Frappuccino's don't agree with you.
Then you listen, hug, and listen some more.

Our counter top on Easter! No joke, this was exactly sitting like this when I walked through. Had to take a picture.
It's like the circle of life, but in drink form.
All that was missing was an Ensure at the end!

Third of all.......... More life stuff. 

A.K.A. Spring Cleaning!

This hamper?
It was full and overflowing.
The laundry fairy was taking a break.
Well, she came and visited.

No matter what...
Even if my life depended on it....
I can never keep a clean purse!
But I did clean it one day, because my daughters begged me to.
They are sick of standing in stores with me while I dig through it for something.

Lastly...........Just spending time with my family. Fun stuff, boring stuff, but still time with them.

'Caviar Nails'
My daughter got the idea off of Pinterest.
I have been doing this to both daughters non stop, as the beads only seem to last a day,
then they want me to do it again.

Easter Present from my son.He has been disappointing me a bit lately in the  'responsible young man' department, but when he walked in on Easter morning with this...
Let's just say 'TEARS'
The original old school Game Boy with Tetris.He knows I have been wanting one, just like the one I had in High School
Just like the one I played during my whole entire pregnancy with him.
They are either hard to come by, too expensive, or broken
He found a working one, with games, at a thrift store. Used his own money, and thought of me.
I had to hold off on the responsibility, 'what are you gonna do after you graduate' lecture for the weekend!

Ahhhhh, Yes!!!
 Our new passion!
Our new addiction!
KARAOKE!!!!!
It was supposed to be for our five year old daughter who starts singing lessons on Monday.
My family bought it for her.
She has been able to use it twice!
Why?
Because hubby and I need to brush up on our rendition of
Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne
"If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged....."
This picture was taken the SECOND I walked in from work. Hubby had been practicing, and told me to put my bag down, and get over there.
He had thought of our perfect duet.............
"Uhhhh, Can I go pee first?"
"NOPE! Get over here and sing with me!"
"What song?"
"Close my eyes forever"
"OHHHH, I always loved that song. Peeing can wait!"

And the rest is Karaoke History........
We are already planning our Summertime Karaoke Bash!

Suzy the Meth Head gets a second chance at life. Thanks to my lack of blogging time.

I basically closed my eyes, scrolled down some old posts, and chose one to re-post.

Why?

I have been SUPER busy the past few weeks. Work, kids, husband, family. Birthday parties, and BBQ's on the weekends. Kid stuff on the weeknights.
A 5 year old who told me I wasn't coloring with her enough anymore. Ugghh, can my heart break anymore?
A 13 year old who just wants to talk at night.
A 15 year old who is mending a broken heart.
An 18 year old consuming my mind, because he is not making the wisest choices in his Senior Year. 2 1/2 more months to go kid, come the hell on!!
A husband who wants some 'alone time' with his wife.

Anyway, I just chose a random old post (from when my blog was still set to private, and I was just writing for myself) I wrote this on 8/3/2011.

I have a couple new posts in the works. And I will put some time aside for myself this weekend while my husband is in his fishing tournament. Crossin  my fingers he wins. Extra money around tax time is a bonus!

ENJOY...................

Suzy- Is she a meth head or a homemaker? Fact or Fiction?

So I was going to start blogging everyday! Hmmmm, what happened? LIFE happened. Oh, and also the fact that I am a lazy, procrastinator. (Slightly kidding)


I want to become a writer. I dream of it. I read books all the time, and as I'm reading, as I get sucked into the characters lives, and can think of nothing else but what is going to happen at the next page turn, somehow, my brain also thinks deeper. Deeper into how the author thought of these characters. Did the author have to research cancer, because in her book one of the main characters is dying from it? Did the author actually travel to the town of 'Beachport' to locate every convenience store, diner, used car lot, and hair salon, so that her scenic descriptions were true and correct? Or does the author just take people, places, personalities, situations, towns, and lives from her very own life and somehow twist, mold and shape it into 'fictional' characters?
I love to write- but I am having a hard time writing fiction. Because every person I start to write about turns into me. Or some element of me. Sometimes funnier than me, more outlandish than me. Stronger than me,a bad girl version of me. She may even be a meth head prostitute,( the complete opposite of me, I promise) but somehow if "Suzy" the meth head decides she is hungry, and I write about her stopping off at a McDonalds to buy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and  a large Dr. Pepper,but McDonalds won't take her coupon because it expired in 2010, and we are now in 2011, but how was poor Suzy to know. I mean her purse is a mess, with all of the receipts, gum wrappers, post it notes, grocery lists, and just plain junk, so she begs the guy at the drive thru to take it, because she only has three dollars, her ATM card is MIA, and her daughter is in the car seat crying. Not to mention she is late to pick up her other kids from school (and if she is late to get them, even by 30 seconds, the texts start coming, and they come FULL FORCE. "Mooommm, are you coming? Where are you? OMG!! ") And Suzy is just so hungry, and all she wanted was to treat herself to a Quarter Pounder, sit in her car, scarf it down, then go home and start doing laundry and helping with homework. Well folks,I've just incorporated myself into Meth Head Suzy.I love, love, love Quarter Pounders, I have definitely dealt with the embarrassment of handing over an expired coupon to a clerk, just because I was trying to rid my purse of the heap of trash, consuming its every pocket, one mangled coupon at a time.About my purse, Oh good lord, you should see my purse. I just won a game at a baby shower where you had to go down a checklist of miscellaneous items, and you got so many points if you could prove you had all of these items in your purse. Not only did I win, but I actually won the bonus points for the "extreme item" I mean who does not have their daughters baby teeth in a ziploc bag at the bottom of their Louis Vuitton? I was on my way to run upstairs and hide them, but my daughter came out of her room, so I panicked and stuffed them in my purse. Just having a busy week, not enough time in the day to take them out and put them away.
Wow, I have really gone off subject. The point is, I even found a way of turning Suzy Meth Head into Suzy Homemaker. So it starts off one way, but all in all, it's me!! I have a busy life, and it makes for some GREAT stories. So I am starting to second guess my life choice of wanting to be a writer.
Stand Up Comedian specializing in the tales of my life! THAT'S IT!! That may be my new venture. Now to just get over this increasing daily anxiety that is starting to plague my every move. I would definitely have to be drugged up with some perfectly legal prescription pills before I could get my butt up on a stage.
Oooooh. Kkkkk. So maybe stand up won't be my thing. Back to writing.......let the creative juices start flowin! Wish me luck ;)   Oh, one more thing, I do not,nor have I ever owned a Louis Vuitton. Suzy the Meth head might have gotten one as a present from her pimp, but I don't have one. This Mama's way, way to thrifty for that.

When all else fails, fill em up with booze!

So one of my best friends had decided months ago that she was going to try her hand in home sales. Skincare to be exact. She knows how I feel about home sales. The feeling is not a positive one. Years ago I tried my hand in selling Mary Kay cosmetics.I was coerced! I will just leave it at that.

Well, actually I will leave it at this-

I bought stock to have on hand, because they told me to

They also told me I was going to have a pink car someday.

I had 2 parties.

I did not sell enough to get a car.

I was left with $1,500.00 worth of 'stock'.

It was not easy to get my money back.

In fact I never got my money back.

So yes, Home Sales has left a bad taste in my mouth. 

Real bad........

Like rotten sour cream, mixed with ca ca doo doo bad!

But.........

Because I am a supportive friend, I tried her product.

I am NOT a product person. 

I wash my face with whatever is around.

Sometimes splurging on Olay face wash for $8.99 a bottle, and Olay moisturizer for $7.99

I tried her product, liked it, and agreed to support her by hostessing a party.

This product is a bit pricey, but it really can sell itself.

Plus everyone who knows me well, knows that I won't hostess one of these parties unless I truly like something. So that was a selling point right there!

So I told my BFF that I would invite everyone I know, and if they come, they come. I can't guarantee anything.

But I did have a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.

WINE!!!!!

Who in the hell is drinking water?
Get those people out of here. We only want wine drinkers with credit cards.
This is only one counter. There was another counter with a couple more bottles.

And when wine isn't making them whip out their cash, checkbooks, or credit cards fast enough.

I pull out the big guns. 

Anything for a friend.

You know, being supportive and all..........

What? What do you mean you think you can't afford the whole anti-aging kit right now.
Oh, your husband would kill you if you purchase anything?
Oh my gosh, I totally understand.
Here, come have a shot with me.
Oh, and did I mention this skincare line really works wonders.
Oh yeah!
Here, another shot.
Oh my goodness, I can see your skin glowing already just from the demonstration sample they gave you.
Here, have another.......

From across the room, I see my best friend.

I give her a wink and a smile. As if to say

I got your back girl. I will get your business up -n- running in no time! 

* Party was a success. Shots were actually not needed.

Wine did the trick. 

She got a couple of good orders.

I was a supportive friend.

I have taken care of my hostessing duties for the year.

I gave my friend a little help in her early stages of what will hopefully be a successful career for her. Just because it didn't work for me, does not mean it won't work for her.

For as long as there are BevMo's, Liquor stores, or Backwoods Moonshine (depending on where you live)

There will always be intoxicated impulse purchasing.
And that, my friends, is my approach to marketing.

Hmmmm, maybe I should bring that up at our next meeting at work.

Me: "I have an idea for our marketing department"

Boss: "O.K. Let's hear it"

FEND FOR YOURSELF KID......MOMMY'S BUSY!!!!

O.K. Well I didn't actually tell my precious five year old little girl to 'fend for yourself', but I did NOT get my butt up from my chair when my daughter pleaded with me to make her something to eat.But might I add that I was working 
(Fridays are usually my day off, but we are in a rush to get a project finished)

She said she was hungry.

I said "I have one more email to send out."


She said "I'm super starving mommy"
I said "Hold on just one more minute"


She said "O.K. 1 !! There, I counted to 1 mommy"
I said "That is not what I meant!"

She asked if she could grab some crackers

I asked "can't you just wait 10 more minutes?"

She said "NO Mama I'm really hungry for breakfast"

I said "Fine, have crackers"
(and I did the mom shush, wave, go away signal with my hand)

She must have been confused by the word crackers.

I must have been confused as to whom I was trusting in a cupboard full of snacks.

She must have thought that I am a distant relative of Willy Wonka and believe that candy is an acceptable breakfast.
I must have been so enthralled with my email to not notice that she had slipped out of the kitchen and upstairs into my bed, where Sponge Bob awaited. 


This was her self made pre-breakfast snack

Saltines and Reese's Pieces
Breakfast of a 5 year old Champion
-or -a 5 year old 'deprived by her mom' little girl
-or- an Extraterrestrial that goes by the name E.T.

So I first walked into the kitchen

No Daughter?!?!?!

So I walk upstairs

She is happily playing in her room.

I smile, and go into my bedroom to get dressed.

I walk over to my nightstand to get my phone off of the charger and see the evidence.

Oh well, atleast the crumbs were on Daddy's side of the bed.


She must have heard me mumbling, or decided to come back in to finish her episode of Sponge Bob.

 I proceeded to lecture her on getting crumbs in my bed, and eating candy without asking.

She said

"But Mama, I was really hungry. Really, super, duper hungry!"

Then she gave me the sweetest look in the world, with her adorable buck toothed smile, and her strangely, unfairly long eyelashes fluttering.

"I'm sorry Mama"

Then came the hug! The strongest, tightest squeeze of a hug. I instantly melted. She has that affect. Maybe it is because I deal with the 3 teenagers so much, that she is such a refreshing dose of sunshine no matter what she does.
~but I have caught her practicing a very dramatic eye roll in the mirror. So not sure how much longer I will have sunshine. I see the rain clouds forming already. I have to remember to thank my older girls for teaching her that.~
Oh, I can't lie. She probably learned it from me.I am the QUEEN of eye rolling. I started young with my parents, then teachers(only when they weren't looking) and now my poor husband gets the eye roll at least 5 times a day, if not more. I will still blame my daughters though! 


Anyway, how could I go on with the rest of my morning knowing that little peanut butter candy's were floating around in her stomach, bobbing up and down in a sea of saltines.
~Is it just me, or does anyone else think of saltines ONLY as a Morning Sickness Meal???~
My 15 year old daughter loves Saltines, and requested I buy them. She is also obsessed with Teen Moms on MTV. 
That's it. Her and J-Man are breaking up this instant!!! Overreaction?? 
O.K. I will calm down
They are just Saltines!


O.K. So back to my mom of the year story; one that will surely go on to win a Mom of the Year contest in Good Housekeeping or Family Circle
or Jailhouse Mom's. 
As long as I win!!

So this is what Candy and Crackers Mom did next

"Thank you Mama! You are the best Mom in the WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!"
(she did not really say that. But it's only because her mouth was full, and I have taught her to not talk with food in her mouth. She was definitely thinking it though!) 

I had to redeem myself somehow.


Then we sat outback enjoying the warm weather we have been blessed with lately, and I ignored her some more while I read the Hunger Games. 


Don't worry I made her lunch.
Snickers  Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich!

Some may call it "over explaining", I call it a big ol' run on sentence of entertainment!

This post is just going to be a whole bunch of sentences. I am starting off explaining why I started blogging, but I am not sure how I will end. Didn't really plan out this one.

Enjoy!

One of the reasons I started blogging was because I like to write. That is most likely the case with all bloggers, I am sure.

But my desire to write does not come from a place of sophisticated literature knowledge.
It does not come from a 4 year stint at a University, where I am now putting my degree to good use.
Not even a 2 week try at a Junior College, taking English, Art,Psychology,Math and Human Sexuality

I actually just like to tell stories. I love the feeling of being in a room full of people, whether it is at a party, a PTA meeting, work, or in line at the grocery store, and being able to feel connected to others because of the words that are flowing from my mouth. If words start trickling out, and those trickles turn into a steady flow, and that steady flow fills up into a large pool of sentences, words, laughter, feelings, emotions, and it is then reciprocated by whomever is near or listening, then I feel as though I have literally won a prize. An award, a Mental Trophy with my name engraved on it.

1st Place Award

J.R.

Most likely to connect with others through words and stories

I also love comedy. I love when I am flipping channels, and come across a good stand up comedian. My favorite type of standup is the type where you are literally slapping your knee, (or in my case, punching my husbands leg each time I laugh) and with each 'punch'line, you are saying outloud:

OH MY GOD!!

That has totally happened to me!

I know what he/she is talking about!

OH MY GOD! I know that feeling!

Uggghhhh, I hate that too, so Fricking Funny!

That diarrhea joke was INSANE,**but that HAS happened to me!

OH, My stomach hurts from laughing!

I want to be that comedian.

I want to be that storyteller.

I want to be the reason people are slapping their knees.


I cannot, in fact I think I am physically incapable, of writing a short story, a short post, a short text, a short comment, a short email, a short note. 
Even when I sign my credit card statement at a store, my hand starts trembling. 
IT JUST WANTS TO WRITE MORE!!!!!!!

 A short note. This is a good example. Sometimes my 13 year old daughter will come out of her room in the morning and ask me to write her a note for p.e., so that she does not have to do the Friday Mile Run. I always happily oblige. Why? My daughter is a go getter. She is a perfectionist at everything. From her outfits, hair and makeup, to her organized room, and schoolwork.My daughter is not a slacker, and she has straight A's, and awards up the you know what.So if she wants to get out of the run, it is for a good reason, which is usually because she stayed up too late studying. How could I deny her a note.

Her idea of a note:

Dear Mr. P.E. Teacher,

Please excuse K from the run today.

Thank you,

J.R.

The note I actually write, because my hands and mind won't STOP:

Dear Mr. P.E. Teacher,

Hello, how is your day? Great! Well, I am writing this note to please ask you to excuse my daughter, K, from running the mile long run today due to the fact that she had stayed up late last night studying for her History Benchmark tests. I am sure you are aware of what a good student she is, so I am sure this will be no problem. But I also wanted to mention, that I do not fully agree that late night studying is a valid excuse for missing your run, that is why I will also tell you that she seems to be fighting off some sort of upper respiratory issues. I can hear it in her breathing. I may even take her to the doctor today. If so I will keep you updated. 

Anyway, thank you so much, and thank you for being a great teacher. She told me that funny story about you explaining to the class how you became a p.e. teacher in the first place. I like telling stories too. 

In case K starts coughing.... *at this point teenage daughter grabs the pen from my hand, rolls her eyes, points to the clock and says "mooomm. I asked for a note! Not a book!God, so embarrassing!"

Sincerely,

J.R.

K's Mom

**Oh my god mom, he knows your'e my mom! Who else would he think it was? You don't have to write that! 

I went to a 6 year old's Birthday Tea Party yesterday. A daughter of a good friend of mine. Half of the people there I am extremely close with. Like BFF kind of close. 

Half of the people there I had never met until that day.

So I cracked a joke during a silent moment when I was sitting in the living room with half of the moms I did not know. I then realized, it may or may not have been considered funny to them. So I nervously laughed, and said "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know if that was funny or inappropriate? I mean, I guess I just met you guys"

The silent milasecond, seemed like a silent 3 hours with crickets chirping. 

But then they all three laughed, and one, spoke up and said:

"Oh, it was completely appropriate!! 

And completely funny!

That was a good one"

*I can't remember her name, but she will now be called 'Cool Mom'

But that moment, that little tiny moment of connection with humor made my day!

"That was a good one"- Has seriously got to be my favorite compliment

Well,

that and 

"WOW! You look smokin hot!!"

-or-

"Oh my god, I cannot believe you are _ _ years old! You look 20!"

-or-

"WOW! You look smokin hot!!" 

*did I mention that one already?

-or-

"You are the greatest human being that has ever walked this earth"

I mean, those are all nice to hear also, but "That was a good one" makes me smile inside.

At work it is hard for me to write a short email.

Example: 

TO: jr@email.com

FROM:professionallady@email.com

Subject:Contract

JR,

I have attached the contract you requested. Please sign, or have your supervisor sign, then email back to me. Fax is fine also, as long as it is done before today at 3 p.m.

Regards,

Professional Lady

My Reply:

TO:professionallady@email.com

FROM:jr@email.com

Subject: Signed Contract

Hello Professional Lady,

Can you believe this weather we are having? Gorgeous day out today! Makes you want to skip the office, and head down to the beach.

Jane Doe has signed the addendum as well as enclosure A. I have scanned the signature pages, and will include that in this email. Funniest thing though! While I was scanning, I was telling my co worker a story, so I was distracted, and had  forgotten to check the scanner for papers left behind from the person who was previously using it. There was a picture of my co workers new baby in there. She is adorable!!! So along with the contract, you will also be getting a picture of a 2 week old baby girl. Just wanted to warn you. I was going to delete that from the PDF file, but figured what the heck, I'd leave it in there. Newborn babies can brighten a day! 

If you have any questions or comments regarding the attachment, or enclosure A, please feel free to call me at the office.But if you call after 2 p.m. I may not be here. I am off early today, due to the fact that my daughter has some upper respiratory issues, and I will be taking her to the doctor. 

But you can feel free to call me on my cell (555)555-5555. Please leave a voicemail if I do not answer, and I will return your call as soon as I can.

Thank you and have a great weekend. Although it is only Thursday, I say Have a Good Weekend on all of my Thursday emails, because I have Fridays off. So have a good Thursday! Also, I am joking about the newborn baby photo. It was scanned, that part was true. But I deleted it from the attachment.If you do want it, I can always email it to you. LOL! :) 

Best Regards,

J.R.

K's Mom

* ooops wrong note

Her Reply

TO: jr@email.com

FROM: professionallady@email.com

Subject: Contract

JR,

Received the attachment. Everything seems to be in order.

Regards,

Professional Lady

* Ugghh, she did not even acknowledge my baby pic joke. Did not mention that I accidentally told her I was K's mom. Did not say anything about the weather, the weekend, or Happy Thursday!

Hmmmm, should I reply to her reply? I could explain myself.

"Don't do it J.R.!!! Don't do it!!!Leave it be!!"

By the way, that is not my inner voice. That is my Co-Worker who also happens to be one of my BFF's. We share an office, and she knows me so well. 

Some of these examples may make me seem a bit obnoxious.
I can assure you, I do have tact, and I do know the appropriate times to let out the obnoxiousness, and when to keep it in.

But my obnoxiousness has actually turned around the most stick up the butt people, and made them smile. So it has to be workin for me on some level.

This "professional lady", after years of emailing back and forth, has her own silly side. 

The other day she started off an email with a :

Bwwwwaaaaa Haaaa Haaaa - evil laugh 

(had to do with an email we both mutually had to deal with)

Then a ;) winky smiley face- took me years to get one of those out of her.

Then she ended it with telling me about her vacation.

So I may not be bringing peace to the world,

Or curing world hunger

but my over explaining story telling has brought out 

the over explaining story telling of another human being.

And that,

 my friends,

brings me joy!

*also obnoxious is one of my favorite words. Literally! I use it a lot. I like the way it sounds. It can have negative meanings, or (sometimes in my case) positive.

Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?

Quick post, 4:15 is usually a busy time around my house. Just got off work, directing kids on whose turn it is to do dishes, and whose turn it is to clean the catbox. (Why they can't just read the f*in chart I made them that is hanging on the wall in front of their face, I don't know, but come the heck on)lmk-stands for 'love my kids' I will throw that out once in a while when I talk about my loving children and use cuss words in the same sentence. Stupid? I know! But, somehow it will make me feel better, so I'm gonna keep it.

I'm also trying to figure out what I can throw together for dinner. Some nights I'm all gourmet, standing in the kitchen with an apron on, whisk in one hand, food network recipe sitting on the counter. Sometimes I'm all Mac-n-Cheese, or Capt'n Crunch.The hubby will walk in  from work, never failing to ask "whats for dinner?" atleast he is consistent, if not completely deserving of a slap upside the head.Why a slap?? (loving slap, I wouldn't want Anderson Cooper saying I am committing husband abuse) Because see, I work also! I just get off about an hour before him, and somehow even though I have worked at the same job for 10 years, I swear he forgets. Maybe it is because the first thing I do when I get home is run upstairs, take off the black work pants, black zip up boots, collared blouse, dangly bracelets, and anything else that is considered office attire, and I put my favorite pair of sweats on.I literally feel and hear my body let out a sigh of relief the second I undress and put on less restricting clothing. He walks in the door, see's me in 'comfy clothes' not 'office clothes' and it's like JOB?? what job?? my wife works?? Yes babe, I work.I wasn't home all day planning out my meals, shucking corn, soaking pinto beans, defrosting chicken.

I head out of my room in my sweats and immediately start getting bombarded with children's needs, questions,wants,arguments, stories, all of it!!

K my 13 year old daughter- "mom, I need you to sign my Algebra paper." as she is shoving it under my nose.

Me: "umm, o.k. Can I go pee first?"

K (with a 13 year old eye roll) - "Well, can you just sign it first? I want to get it put away"
 **how that is even a reason, argument, or excuse, I have no clue. Her putting away her paper is more important than me finally getting to go pee, after holding it all day at work because I was so busy I forgot to go.And now I will surely get a kidney infection.

B (15 year old daughter)- "Umm, I was wondering if you could take my phone restrictions off during school hours. I promise I won't call anybody during class"

Me-"Then why does it matter?"

B- "Wulll ('well' in teenage tone) I don't know, I was just wondering."

Me - " Go wonder about your Science book, or how to solve the worlds budget crisis"

B - (who really is not a 'talk-backer') " O.K." - my theory on her is this. She is not a 'talk-backer' to my face, but I will almost swear on my life that there is a secret blog out there, made by her, that is comprised of every smart ass comeback that she would love to say to me when I tell her NO!! Her blog probably has 234,000 followers,made up of all teenage girls. It is called this: mymomisabitchanditoldhertoher faceanddidntevengetintrouble.blogspot.com

Ki (5 year old daughter) - "Mama, I love you. Want to play the ladybug game with me. I missed you today"

Me- "I will play in just a few minutes my baby bear"

K and B - Both roll their eyes, because they think my 5 year old is spoiled, and my pet names for her are lame. Although they both have pet names, and have no problem when I call out "Hey Sweetie, Hey BB. You girls want to go to Hollister? They are having a huge sale. You can each get a new Hoodie and jeans" How stupid are pet names now, huh??!!

Ki - " Mommy, can you tie this for me?" already distracted, and forgot that she asked me to play a game.

Don't you feel as a parent to a 3-7 year old little girl that you are constantly tying things? Last night while emailing, I had to tie a halter dress on Barbie, a leash on Barbies Swimming pup, a string bracelet thing, then another evening gown strap because Barbie wanted to change. And just now she ran up asking me to tie her My Little Pony's tail around the end of the Pony carriage. (Poor Pony, guess he has to pull a carriage with his tail) I should start checking how my daughter treats our cat. Look for any signs of tail deformities.

I then get a 'ding' on my phone to alert me of a new email. I check it, and realize it is from my boss. Darn smart phones. I want to ignore it but can't. So there goes another 1/2 hour dealing with that. ( I work from home every once in a while, so I am equipped to do both. Office or Home)

Then another 'ding' A text from my almost 18 year old son, who lives half with me, half with my ex husband in Orange County, that reads like this-

hey mom! love you. I'm not going to be able to come down tonight. I have a photo assignment due,so I need to do that. Oh, and also my car is making a weird noise, so I don't want to drive it on the freeway. I'm still looking for a job though, I turned in an application last week. Love you mom!
This is what I think of his text:
hey mom! love you.I know you do, but when you start with that, it means you are going to say something I don't like. I'm not going to be able to come down tonight.Let me guess, the girl you like is in a dance show at your school, and you want to watch?I have a photo assignment due,so I need to do that.Oh, a photo assignment. Well good for you, I am proud of you.(but you may be lying and still goin after the girl. I'll never know) Oh, and also my car is making a weird noise, so I don't want to drive it on the freeway.Really? Really? Because it has been making a weird noise since you bought the thing, and I know for a fact you and your friends took your car to Knotts Berry Farm this weekend. Didn't have a problem driving on the freeway then did ya? I'm still looking for a job though, I turned in an application last week.'An' Application. As in the number one? Wow honey, so proud of you. An application a month. You are makin this Mama proud. Let me brag about you on my facebook posts. Love you mom! I love you too C

I finally make my way to the kitchen, dragging my slippers, wishing that I was married to Emeril Lagasse. He would cook me dinner every night.Wait! Why did I say Emeril? Why was that my first choice to start typing? I could have spewed out any name, Jamie Oliver that naked cooking guy. Bobby Flay, he's kinda cute in a BBQ'y kinda way. Heck even whats his face with the spiky, white hair and sunglasses on the back of his head. Guy! Guy Fieri. Well, Emeril it is. Maybe another one of my weird crushes.

But I am not married to Emeril, but instead a General Contractor. Although let me tell you, he built me a t.v. cabinet like nobodies business. And he looks all cute construction workery' when he has his tool belt on, and ........well I'll stop there.
So General Contractor comes in ( I can usually hear his diesel truck pull in) and the first thing that comes out of his mouth- "What's for Dinner?" This is after he looks me up and down, eyeing my fuzzy slippers, giving me that 'wow, it must be nice to sit around in your jammies all day' look.

Let me explain to my followers. I work Monday -Thursday. Monday I work from home, but let me tell you, I do work. T,W,TH , I work in the office from 9-4.Every once in a while I get off at 2 or 3, but let me assure you, it is not to come home so that I can catch the tail end of General Hospital. My butt does not sit and relax until after 9 p.m. almost every night.
So him asking what is for dinner, is just the same as me asking him. So I treat the question as a game of Hot Potato or Tag.

"Right back 'atcha honey! What is for dinner?" Tag, your it! As I run upstairs!