I am eating AIR and totally losing weight! Try it!

There is really not much to write for this post except for 

WTF IS THIS?!

Disgusting! I made some for myself. I even bought Honey Mustard.
YUCK!

Look at this chicken nugget!

It is filled with AIR, and what looks to be the insides of what I would imagine a dried out road kills stomach lining to look like.

My kids are always begging me for Chicken Dinos.

I always say 

"NO"

Then I saw a bag of nuggets on sale,(not Dinos, just Nuggets)buy one bag get one free! 

The bag failed to mention that they were the new 

Meatless, Air-Filled Nuggets. 

Guess I should've bought the Dinos.........Atleast those things have some crap meat in the middle.

One of my best friends and her husband tried to kill me!!!

I am pretty much a small framed woman. Genes, high metabolism, whatever. But do not.......I repeat, DO NOT JUDGE ME BY THAT!!!! DO NOT BE ENVIOUS!!!!WHY????

BECAUSE

I AM THE MOST OUT OF SHAPE HUMAN BEING YOU WILL EVER COME ACROSS and I proved it yesterday on a bike ride with my girlfriend, and her husband. All seriousness, it was the most humiliating experience ever.

Well, maybe not the most humiliating. But that is for a post to come.

The bike ride that proved to me that they are secretly plotting to kill me. I am not sure what they would get out of killing me. Can B.F.F.'s take insurance policies out on one another? I don't think so.
Maybe they thought it would be fun. Maybe my friend doesn't really like me, or enjoy my company as much as I thought she did. I have been fooled this whole time, thinking that she loved me. Thinking that her husband liked me.

I was wrong! Heart attack is what they had in store for me! Make it look like a 'natural death' was their plan!

It all started with mine and my husbands idea to call them and ask them if they'd like to meet us down at a local dive bar. Dive bar? YES! Best Cheeseburgers in town? DEFINITELY YES!

Too long of story, change of events, etc. to explain why my husband wound up NOT being able to go, and I wound up still talking my friend and her husband into going, but it happened.

Then I get a text from my friend saying:

Friend:
Let's just ride our bikes down there. Then we don't have to worry about drinking and driving.

Me:
O.K.

Friend:
We have an extra beach cruiser for you. Just drive down to our house, and we will ride from here. That way you won't have to ride your bike up 2 hills on the way home. Just 1.
I live one street up the hill- I could shout to her from my house.

Me:
O.K. Sounds good!


What happens next is where the pre-meditated murder of a friend ALMOST happens!

We ride downhill to the bar.

We eat the most delicious, greasy, yummy burger, slathered in ortega chiles, cheese, and onions.
We dip our onion rings in ranch, put money in the juke box, and I drink 2 pear ciders.

We decide we are done for the night, that was fun, we should do it more often, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

This is when I start to see the evil glimmer in their eyes. The looks, the exchanges they give one another as we are putting on our sweatshirts and getting ready to ride back home in the beautiful, summer night air.

Flat ground at first, I am doing fine! This is kinda fun! Like being a teenager again. The breeze in my hair. Riding and laughing!

But slowly, my breathing starts to get a little heavy. Breathing turns into panting. The flat ground is starting to incline. What is happening to me? What is going on?

I am ........having.........a .......hard ..................................time..........................................Brea........thing...........................!!

Friend:

You O.K. J.R.? - 

Did I just detect a hint of laughter in her voice?

Friends Husband:

J.R. you alright? Are you really having that hard of a time?- 

Is he laughing at me too?

Friend:

Do you want to wait at the bottom of the hill, and we can ride our bikes home, and come back and get you?

Me:

OMG that would be pathetic!!! I can make it!!!!! - 

I think! Actually I think I am dying! Paranoia is setting in. They are plotting against me! 

Look at them up there! Ridiculing me! Acting supportive, but secretly high fiving at their almost success of my demise!

I have not had to ride up this hill since I was young,as I actually grew up in the house 3 doors down from them. But strange thing.........I don't think I have the energy I had when I was young! HOW IN THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Is this what Heaven Looks Like? Am I alive? Did my heart just pump out of my chest? What is my name? I need water!!!

The Red One is mine! Pretty and shiny! It is 5 years old! Barely ridden. I think I need to change that!
I officially am stepping into action!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE officially starts NOW!!!!






* I have an active mind. I grew up at the beach. Loved boogie boarding as a kid, running or riding my bike all over with my friends. As an adult, I have a competitive streak to me. I want to be good at whatever I try. We used to go to the desert, riding dirt bikes, until my husband crashed bad, and then so did I. I was on a girls ride, and went over my handle bars. Tore my rotator cuff. If I go bowling I want to be the best. If I play ladderball while camping, I want to be the best.
But being small framed my whole life, made me think I was a little more invincible to health issues.
Boy was I wrong!
I am almost 40 now!
I am not in my 20's anymore!
I cannot keep taking pride in the fact that I can 'eat whatever I want' and not really gain too much weight.
It really isn't 'cute' or 'funny' anymore!
This evening of cardiac arrest proved it to me!

Walks through the neighborhood, HERE I COME!
My life, my kids, and my health are too important!

But I will start after this weekend! We are going camping, and I just realized I bought pretty much every bit of junk food that you can imagine!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE starts next week! Promise!

Have a terrific, fun, wonderful, HEART HEALTHY weekend everybody!

* And to my friend and her hubby!
I'm watching you......
I've got my eyes on you.....
I've wised up...
Mmmmmm, Hmmmmmm! YUP!!

FEND FOR YOURSELF KID......MOMMY'S BUSY!!!!

O.K. Well I didn't actually tell my precious five year old little girl to 'fend for yourself', but I did NOT get my butt up from my chair when my daughter pleaded with me to make her something to eat.But might I add that I was working 
(Fridays are usually my day off, but we are in a rush to get a project finished)

She said she was hungry.

I said "I have one more email to send out."


She said "I'm super starving mommy"
I said "Hold on just one more minute"


She said "O.K. 1 !! There, I counted to 1 mommy"
I said "That is not what I meant!"

She asked if she could grab some crackers

I asked "can't you just wait 10 more minutes?"

She said "NO Mama I'm really hungry for breakfast"

I said "Fine, have crackers"
(and I did the mom shush, wave, go away signal with my hand)

She must have been confused by the word crackers.

I must have been confused as to whom I was trusting in a cupboard full of snacks.

She must have thought that I am a distant relative of Willy Wonka and believe that candy is an acceptable breakfast.
I must have been so enthralled with my email to not notice that she had slipped out of the kitchen and upstairs into my bed, where Sponge Bob awaited. 


This was her self made pre-breakfast snack

Saltines and Reese's Pieces
Breakfast of a 5 year old Champion
-or -a 5 year old 'deprived by her mom' little girl
-or- an Extraterrestrial that goes by the name E.T.

So I first walked into the kitchen

No Daughter?!?!?!

So I walk upstairs

She is happily playing in her room.

I smile, and go into my bedroom to get dressed.

I walk over to my nightstand to get my phone off of the charger and see the evidence.

Oh well, atleast the crumbs were on Daddy's side of the bed.


She must have heard me mumbling, or decided to come back in to finish her episode of Sponge Bob.

 I proceeded to lecture her on getting crumbs in my bed, and eating candy without asking.

She said

"But Mama, I was really hungry. Really, super, duper hungry!"

Then she gave me the sweetest look in the world, with her adorable buck toothed smile, and her strangely, unfairly long eyelashes fluttering.

"I'm sorry Mama"

Then came the hug! The strongest, tightest squeeze of a hug. I instantly melted. She has that affect. Maybe it is because I deal with the 3 teenagers so much, that she is such a refreshing dose of sunshine no matter what she does.
~but I have caught her practicing a very dramatic eye roll in the mirror. So not sure how much longer I will have sunshine. I see the rain clouds forming already. I have to remember to thank my older girls for teaching her that.~
Oh, I can't lie. She probably learned it from me.I am the QUEEN of eye rolling. I started young with my parents, then teachers(only when they weren't looking) and now my poor husband gets the eye roll at least 5 times a day, if not more. I will still blame my daughters though! 


Anyway, how could I go on with the rest of my morning knowing that little peanut butter candy's were floating around in her stomach, bobbing up and down in a sea of saltines.
~Is it just me, or does anyone else think of saltines ONLY as a Morning Sickness Meal???~
My 15 year old daughter loves Saltines, and requested I buy them. She is also obsessed with Teen Moms on MTV. 
That's it. Her and J-Man are breaking up this instant!!! Overreaction?? 
O.K. I will calm down
They are just Saltines!


O.K. So back to my mom of the year story; one that will surely go on to win a Mom of the Year contest in Good Housekeeping or Family Circle
or Jailhouse Mom's. 
As long as I win!!

So this is what Candy and Crackers Mom did next

"Thank you Mama! You are the best Mom in the WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!"
(she did not really say that. But it's only because her mouth was full, and I have taught her to not talk with food in her mouth. She was definitely thinking it though!) 

I had to redeem myself somehow.


Then we sat outback enjoying the warm weather we have been blessed with lately, and I ignored her some more while I read the Hunger Games. 


Don't worry I made her lunch.
Snickers  Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich!

"Your Blog is Becoming a Fire Hazard"-Quote from my Husband

• So, my husband was BBQ'ing some chicken breasts that we had marinated all day in yummy teriyaki sauce. He got the charcoal going, waiting for the coals to be red hot. 
• After coals are hot enough, he puts chicken on the grill
• He then walks inside the house (as it is cold outside, so he keeps coming in and out,as opposed to the summertime when he just stands over the BBQ with a beer in one hand)
• I am sitting on the couch, with my laptop next to me.
• I excitedly exclaim "I have 17 followers now" Followed by, "Did you read the post I wrote about C?"
• He then sits next to me on couch, and proceeds to talk with me about my blog. Conversation going like this:

 "I am really glad I bought you this laptop for Christmas. Seeing you really enjoying it makes me feel good about the purchase"

"I am too. You know how I stay up late at night? That is when I always imagined myself writing. While you were sleeping, but I never wanted to go downstairs and sit at the desk. Now I can be up in bed, writing"

"I can tell how much you are enjoying your blogging. Like it is bringing 'you out' like you are 'blossoming' or something. This has been great for you."

"Oh babe, thank you for being so supportive. I was afraid my new love affair with my laptop was going to start bumming you out. Or you were going to start getting sick of my blog talk. Which by the way, some of these ladies are really funny. You should let me read some to you sometime" 

"Oh fer sure, yeah looking forward to it"  - In between  watching football and basketball, working, fishing, fishing, and working, planting a new palm tree, going to the beach, watching sports, and making a new fishing rod. 

"Ohh, Babe, you are so supportive of my writing and my blog. I love that you actually listen to me talk about it, and that you actually care. Wow, pookie, snookie, lovey dovey, you are the bestest!!"

"Of course I love hearing you go on, and on,and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on......." - If I listen to her, maybe she'll repay me later with some lovin'

"Aww, babe! Hugs!!"

" SHIT!! FUCK!! THE BARBECUE!" -goes RUNNING out to the porch to find flames shooting out from under the lid of his little charcoal grill.

I look up and can see the reflections of the flames in one of our glass picture frames on the wall. Crap, he's gonna be pissed!

I only hear muffled yells coming from outside, but they went a little something like this:

" FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!"

Then the sliding glass door opens, he grabs a spatula and tongs, goes back outside where he proceeds to peel the black layer of burnt skin off of the chicken breasts. But the grill had heated up to such a high temperature, that he was only able to peel little bits off at a time, before having to stand back from the heat and take a break. 

I, on the other hand, was standing inside, staring at him through the sliding glass door. I was trying to keep the smirk on my face hidden. I don't know why, but sometimes situations like this happening to my husband make me laugh. Evil, I know!

"Shhhhiiiittttt, this is HOT! The chicken is ruined, I got most of the burnt skin off, but..........Shit!"

Then he came inside....... 

and all of the LOVEY DOVEY 

SNOOKIE POOKIE

I love your BLOGGY WOGGY

BLOSSOM WOSSOM went out the door

and was replaced with this...........





"YOUR BLOG TALK IS BECOMING A FIRE HAZARD.

IT MADE ME BURN THE CHICKEN!"

Yummy!!

*Wow, blogs are more powerful than I realized.
MY blog has fire starting powers!
What other blog can make that claim?

I wonder what my toothbrush can do........

* the chicken turned out fine after we peeled off the burnt layers,hubby calmed down, and he has gone back to his supportive ways. He'd better be supportive and nice.
He wouldn't want my blog and I lightin his ass on fire..........!!!