So Marianne commented on one of my last posts, asking where I was, and it made me realize 'SHIT' I really have been ignoring my blog.I am sure you all have been there. One day passes, then 3 days, then a week, then 2 weeks, then a month, and next thing you know you are like ....
Crap, what story should I choose to write about?So much shit has happened in the last month.
- I am SUPER SENSITIVE, to a fault. I am learning to be stronger, more confident, and less worried what people think about me.I was even feeling bad that, besides not writing any blog posts, I wasn't reading any either. I started thinking, crap I haven't read or commented on ANY. So now if I comment on one, I need to comment on others too. "Oh Crap, NEVERMIND!" My mom just told me a great saying "What people think about me is none of my business". True, True! So besides co workers, associates, or people on the street, I was putting my teen girls in that category. I was treating them like PEOPLE that don't like me, rather than just hormonal, teen daughters that (by the laws of nature) aren't always going to show that they love their mom. I know they love me, I was just trying too hard, then when I didn't get anything in return, I would BLOW UP!!!
- The teenage years (mostly with my girls) reeeeaaaaallllyyyy threw me for a loop. Boom!!! I'm dealing with attitudes, eye rolls, and dislike from little girls that used to worship the ground that I walked on. It was hard, and I wasn't handling it very well. I have always been an extremely patient, fun loving, 'glad to be alive' kind of mom. But I found myself losing my patience, NOT being fun loving, and to be honest I wasn't feelin very 'glad to be alive' . I was so wrapped up in the teenage angst, I wasn't even enjoying my beautiful, happy 6 year old who was right under my nose.
- My son (who is 19 now) decided to move in with my ex husband when he was 15. I am the type of person who has things mapped out in my head, and that is the way it is going to happen. My map showed me having the kids live with me, going to school where I live, me making them breakfast, lunch and dinner, knowing every in and out of their day, me being in charge, being the one that signs their papers for school, having their friends over, and just being the overbearing, caring, maternal MOM that I am. Then one night my son sat me down, and said "I need to talk to you mom" and instantly my heart was crushed. I always knew that maybe one day he'd want to try living with his dad, but it still hurt like hell. To this day I still tear up when talking about it. Something about the bond of a mother and son that is irreplaceable.He is only about 1/2 hour away up the freeway, but it wasn't the same. His school papers, report card, and car registration were now being sent to a different address. Instead of meeting his new friends directly I was hearing about them on the phone, or scheduling to take him to lunch so that I could listen to him about how he liked his new High School. Sometimes I would then think to myself "Wow, this must be what my ex husband felt like all these years" Never quite 'in the loop' with every little daily thing. I learned from a therapist that even years later, the fact that I was crying about it still, was because I was almost in a state of mourning. Mourning the 'loss' of my son, even though he was still here. Made sense. **Want to know a secret that has helped me feel a bit better about it?-- Years have passed, he is out of HS, works, has a girlfriend and is busy. If he did live with me I'd probably want to kick him out. He is a bit lazy, doesn't save any of his paychecks, has attitude when my ex asks him to help with chores around the house,(from what I hear) and his room is an absolute PIGSTY!! So from afar, I can keep him on that 'Mama's Boy' Pedestal. I like him better that way.
- We are a blended family. A his, hers and ours. But I have never made that a focus of my blog, because it would have taken on a life of it's own.C (19 yr. old son) and K (15 yr. old daughter) are mine from my previous marriage. B, (16 yr. old daughter) is my husbands from his previous marriage. He had full custody of her, and I came into her life when she was 7 so basically besides not sharing the same blood, she is my daughter. My two older children see their dad, we get along, all is good there. B just started seeing her mom again after many years. I get along with her mom because I feel (and always felt) that she has a good heart, she just lost her way a bit. And together we have Ki, our 6 year old daughter. Divorce is hard on kids, it is just a fact. I have even spoken to a therapist who assured me that 'Kids bounce back' or 'Kids are more resilient than you think' All true words, buuuuuttt..........I am sure in their little minds it just plain SUCKED ASS!! But here we are,we are a family, and that is all there is to it. I won't deny that it was hard at first, and it could have given me SOOOOOOO much blog material, but 9 years later we have it down.
|The 3 older kids,as we were starting to 'blend' our family together.|
|And it's official, we are now 'blended'|
- I always worry about my kids. Is my son o.k.? Is he getting too serious with his girlfriend? Is he ever going to sign up for Junior College, or will he continue working at 'The Grill' forever? He is wasting his genius brain! His car barely runs, I told him to save money and he could buy my car (for a smoking deal) but he hasn't saved a dime. NOT A DIME! Is B o.k.? She is pretty serious with her boyfriend too. He is a GREAT kid, but sometimes I hear them bicker and think "What do 16 year olds have to bicker about? Certainly not mortgages, bank accounts, or kids?". Is that normal? Should I worry? She is frustrated because all of her friends know what they want to do after High School and she doesn't. I tell her that is o.k. She will figure it out, but secretly I was like that too. So I fell in love young, got pregnant, married and became a mom. I don't want my girls doing that. I want them to see the world. Live in an apartment with 4 other girls, eating Top Ramen, and scrounging money to rent a movie. K, my 15 year old is so hard on herself. To her it is straight A's or nothing. I have never been into putting heavy pressure on her, only talks that showed I believed in her. She will be a Sophomore next year, and has her life planned out. She wants to go to FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising). With her grades she could go to Fricken Harvard, not Fashion School. But the moment I show any lack of support, we butt heads and all hell breaks loose. So I am going with it for now. She wants to be a buyer and work in marketing. Hey, maybe she'll prove me wrong and become super successful. KI, our six year old has a heart of gold. I have been doing this weird thing lately where I look at her, then I look at the teens and I get teary eyed. Time flies, and it flies too fast. She will be one of them before I know it, and then I won't have that little girl that wants to snuggle with me 24/7. I won't be asked to color pictures with her, play Littlest Pet Shops, or hear about her day. I am more busy as a mom now then I was when my older kids were young. I was the room mom for my sons' Kindergarten class, but I also did not work back then. For Ki now, I try to squeeze in some helping time on my day off, but that is also the day I schedule my Doctors appointments, errands, etc. One day she said to me;after hearing stories of my helping in C's class years ago, "Mama, it seems like you helped a lot more when C was in Miss R's class" Remember folks, I am SUPER SENSITIVE, so that sent me into a downward spiral into the black hole called The Mom Guilt's. Mom guilt sucks!
|This past weekend|
CAMPING, BEACH, CAMPING,BOATING,RELAXING
|This wallpaper HAD TO GO! Painted the walls white, and put up some beach inspired pictures.|
|New and Improved. No more old wallpaper, and handmade curtains.|
|B taking hubby for a ride in the Dinghy|
A.K.A. - proving to him she knows how to 'Captain' it before she takes it out alone with friends.
OH Yeah, I have a job too, but I won't write a paragraph about that. I'll be working , 'nuff said. BLAH!
|But when I get off of work, I come home and relax here.|
See what I mean?
I need to slow down my thoughts, stop worrying, and just relax.
My kids are great, I'm great, my family is great, LIFE is great.
We are all gonna be o.k.
Everything happens for a reason, and we all learn by trial and error.
Sit by a campfire,