J.R. explains herself with a loooooooonnnnnggggg post with pictures, learns to stop yelling, and tries to toughen up her sensitive side.

*Warning, there may be typos. I don't feel like proof reading myself. :)

So Marianne commented on one of my last posts, asking where I was, and it made me realize 'SHIT' I really have been ignoring my blog.I am sure you all have been there. One day passes, then 3 days, then a week, then 2 weeks, then a month, and next thing you know you are like ....
Crap, what story should I choose to write about?So much shit has happened in the last month.

But, I let too much time go by, and then every time I would turn on my laptop, and log onto my blog I found myself just staring blankly. I wasn't sure where to start, or which daily life story I should rewrite into a funny post. So I would just turn my computer off, and tell myself that I was going to try again the next day. Now it has been a couple months.

Besides a bit of writers block, or finger laziness, whatever ya wanna call it. I have been busy working on me. I tell my stories to make people chuckle. But sometimes woven in these funny posts are little bits of truths that never quite make it to the page. 

Some parts of J.R. that I don't always write about, I will list out here.

• I am SUPER SENSITIVE, to a fault. I am learning to be stronger, more confident, and less worried what people think about me.I was even feeling bad that, besides not writing any blog posts, I wasn't reading any either. I started thinking, crap I haven't read or commented on ANY. So now if I comment on one, I need to comment on others too. "Oh Crap, NEVERMIND!"  My mom just told me a great saying "What people think about me is none of my business". True, True! So besides co workers, associates, or people on the street, I was putting my teen girls in that category. I was treating them like PEOPLE that don't like me, rather than just hormonal, teen daughters that (by the laws of nature) aren't always going to show that they love their mom. I know they love me, I was just trying too hard, then when I didn't get anything in return, I would BLOW UP!!! 

• The teenage years (mostly with my girls) reeeeaaaaallllyyyy threw me for a loop. Boom!!! I'm dealing with attitudes, eye rolls, and dislike from little girls that used to worship the ground that I walked on. It was hard, and I wasn't handling it very well. I have always been an extremely patient, fun loving, 'glad to be alive' kind of mom. But I found myself losing my patience, NOT being fun loving, and to be honest I wasn't feelin very 'glad to be alive' . I was so wrapped up in the teenage angst, I wasn't even enjoying my beautiful, happy 6 year old who was right under my nose. 
• My son (who is 19 now) decided to move in with my ex husband when he was 15. I am the type of person who has things mapped out in my head, and that is the way it is going to happen. My map showed me having the kids live with me, going to school where I live, me making them breakfast, lunch and dinner, knowing every in and out of their day, me being in charge, being the one that signs their papers for school, having their friends over, and just being the overbearing, caring, maternal MOM that I am. Then one night my son sat me down, and said "I need to talk to you mom" and instantly my heart was crushed. I always knew that maybe one day he'd want to try living with his dad, but it still hurt like hell. To this day I still tear up when talking about it. Something about the bond of a mother and son that is irreplaceable.He is only about 1/2 hour away up the freeway, but it wasn't the same. His school papers, report card, and car registration were now being sent to a different address. Instead of meeting his new friends directly I was hearing about them on the phone, or scheduling to take him to lunch so that I could listen to him about how he liked his new High School. Sometimes I would then think to myself "Wow, this must be what my ex husband felt like all these years" Never quite 'in the loop' with every little daily thing. I learned from a therapist that even years later, the fact that I was crying about it still, was because I was almost in a state of mourning. Mourning the 'loss' of my son, even though he was still here. Made sense.  **Want to know a secret that has helped me feel a bit better about it?-- Years have passed, he is out of HS, works, has a girlfriend and is busy. If he did live with me I'd probably want to kick him out. He is a bit lazy, doesn't save any of his paychecks, has attitude when my ex asks him to help with chores around the house,(from what I hear)  and his room is an absolute PIGSTY!! So from afar, I can keep him on that 'Mama's Boy' Pedestal. I like him better that way. 

• We are a blended family. A his, hers and ours. But I have never made that a focus of my blog, because it would have taken on a life of it's own.C (19 yr. old son) and K (15 yr. old daughter) are mine from my previous marriage. B, (16 yr. old daughter) is my husbands from his previous marriage. He had full custody of her, and I came into her life when she was 7 so basically besides not sharing the same blood, she is my daughter. My two older children see their dad, we get along, all is good there. B just started seeing her mom again after many years. I get along with her mom because I feel (and always felt) that she has a good heart, she just lost her way a bit.  And together we have Ki, our 6 year old daughter. Divorce is hard on kids, it is just a fact. I have even spoken to a therapist who assured me that 'Kids bounce back' or 'Kids are more resilient than you think'  All true words, buuuuuttt..........I am sure in their little minds it just plain SUCKED ASS!! But here we are,we are a family, and that is all there is to it. I won't deny that it was hard at first, and it could have given me SOOOOOOO much blog material, but 9 years later we have it down. 

The 3 older kids,as we were starting to 'blend' our family together. 

And it's official, we are now 'blended'

                                   ......and Baby makes  'His, Hers and Ours'.

• I always worry about my kids. Is my son o.k.? Is he getting too serious with his girlfriend? Is he ever going to sign up for Junior College, or will he continue working at 'The Grill' forever? He is wasting his genius brain! His car barely runs, I told him to save money and he could buy my car (for a smoking deal) but he hasn't saved a dime. NOT A DIME! Is B o.k.? She is pretty serious with her boyfriend too. He is a GREAT kid, but sometimes I hear them bicker and think "What do 16 year olds have to bicker about? Certainly not mortgages, bank accounts, or kids?". Is that normal? Should I worry? She is frustrated because all of her friends know what they want to do after High School and she doesn't. I tell her that is o.k. She will figure it out, but secretly I was like that too. So I fell in love young, got pregnant, married and became a mom. I don't want my girls doing that. I want them to see the world. Live in an apartment with 4 other girls, eating Top Ramen, and scrounging money to rent a movie. K, my 15 year old is so hard on herself. To her it is straight A's or nothing. I have never been into putting heavy pressure on her, only talks that showed I believed in her. She will be a Sophomore next year, and has her life planned out. She wants to go to FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising). With her grades she could go to Fricken Harvard, not Fashion School. But the moment I show any lack of support, we butt heads and all hell breaks loose. So I am going with it for now. She wants to be a buyer and work in marketing. Hey, maybe she'll prove me wrong and become super successful. KI, our six year old has a heart of gold. I have been doing this weird thing lately where I look at her, then I look at the teens and I get teary eyed. Time flies, and it flies too fast. She will be one of them before I know it, and then I won't have that little girl that wants to snuggle with me 24/7. I won't be asked to color pictures with her, play Littlest Pet Shops, or hear about her day. I am more busy as a mom now then I was when my older kids were  young. I was the room mom for my sons' Kindergarten class, but I also did not work back then. For Ki now, I try to squeeze in some helping time on my day off, but that is also the day I schedule my Doctors appointments, errands, etc. One day she said to me;after hearing stories of my helping in C's class years ago, "Mama, it seems like you helped a lot more when C was in Miss R's class" Remember folks, I am SUPER SENSITIVE, so that sent me into a downward spiral into the black hole called The Mom Guilt's. Mom guilt sucks! 

I have spent the last year trying to get back to the positive, happy go lucky J.R. She was being overtaken by a worry wort, stress case. I am booting that worry wort out of here. She is not welcome. It was affecting me, my children and my relationships.

So I am takin a break, learning to just relax. How to count to ten, take deep breaths, and really be happy in the moment. All is going to be o.k.!

Here are a few things, in no order of importance, that will be keeping me busy for the summer.

Working on Channeling My Stress Elsewhere (as in channeling it OUT OF MY HOME) 

I was reading an article one day about a mom who was trying to work on NOT yelling at her kids so much. It rang true to me, because in the last few years I had turned into a yeller. Mostly at my teen daughters. When I read this article it really hit home. The woman wrote that she was a 'Good Mom' she really was, but she just yelled too much, and she knew it. She then suggested a blog that helped her.  It is called The Orange Rhino Challenge. I read it, and understood everything this mom was saying. I am happy to report my house has been 'Yell Free' for 22 days.  ~a couple of raised voice moments, but not the yelling that was making me disappointed in myself~22 days and counting. If I start to yell, my girls are supposed to look at me and say "Orange Rhino" and it kinda just disintegrates the whole tense atmosphere that had started to build. Yelling became my outlet for all of MY stress. I wasn't even really yelling at them anymore, I was just yelling to yell. They were just the catapult. I feel better already, and the best part is, my family is noticing.

Going on a Girls Trip to Palm Springs With My Teen Girls and Their Friends (Oh, and I surprised my mom, and I am bringing her along) 

I love Palm Springs. Have ever since my first girls trip over 10 years ago. A couple of years ago, I brought my teen girls for their first time, along with my BFF and her teen daughter. I figured I would go again this year, but with just my girls. Then one night, in a moment of hyperness, (or a moment of too much wine) I told the girls they could each bring a friend. Whatever, it'll be fun, and they won't forget it. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my parents getting older, and praying to God they have many more years on this earth with me. I love my parents more than the world. My mom doesn't really have any close girlfriends. I am her girlfriend, and that is a role I don't mind having. I love this woman for everything she has ever done for me. So I reserved an extra room for mom, told her to pack a bathing suit, and she's coming with us. She is so excited, and that makes me excited. My mom has always wanted to go to Ireland, and I don't think I will ever be able to afford to take her. But Palm Springs for four days I can do.  

This past weekend

I wrote this draft before going to Palm Springs. I can happily say, we just got back on Sunday and it was TERRIFIC!!! All the girls got along, my mom was in Heaven (especially since my daughters friends said she was "the coolest Mema ever"), the weather was great, the pool was refreshing and we all felt relaxed. ** Side Note- B's brand new iPhone got stolen from her bag at the pool. YUP, the one I wrote about in the paragraph above. People Suck! Thieves Suck, and that is it!! She learned a hard, disappointing lesson, and my husband is going to upgrade his old iPhone to a new one, and give her his old one. Watch your iPhones Kids, some people have sticky fingers. :(

CAMPING, BEACH, CAMPING,BOATING,RELAXING

We have a few camping trips set up in the next couple of months. One during Fourth of July week at a spot right on the Bay in San Diego, and another in September by the beach. 

In August my husband wants to take me to Catalina Island for our anniversary, via his fishing boat that has a bucket for a toilet.......I will keep my fingers crossed for that, and fill you in on how the bucket went. We have an old 1978 camper, it's old, but I love it. I sewed new curtains for it, and tore out the old wallpaper a few months ago, and now I can't wait to get in and CAMP!

This wallpaper HAD TO GO! Painted the walls white, and put up some beach inspired pictures.

New and Improved. No more old wallpaper, and handmade curtains.

B taking hubby for a ride in the Dinghy
A.K.A. - proving to him she knows how to 'Captain' it before she takes it out alone with friends.

WORKING
OH Yeah, I have a job too, but I won't write a paragraph about that. I'll be working , 'nuff said. BLAH! 

But when I get off of work, I come home and relax here.
See what I mean?
I need to slow down my thoughts, stop worrying, and just relax.
My kids are great, I'm great, my family is great, LIFE is great.
We are all gonna be o.k.
Everything happens for a reason, and we all learn by trial and error. 

My brain is on overdrive sometimes with funny things to say. Sometimes the funny in me wants to say really inappropriate things. That is why I loved blogging. I love twisting things and adding a dash of comedy.I love to laugh, and I seriously am addicted to trying to make others laugh too. I have no excuses for not following my dream of one day being on Saturday Night Live. I could say that it was because I got pregnant and married young, but that is just an excuse. Truth is, I like to dream, but I dream while my ass is on my couch. I am a dreamer,but not always a doer.I will be taking a break this summer, relaxing and pumping up my brain with Wit and Humor. Then I will be back, blogging with a comedic vengeance. 

I mean I was destined to be a funny gal.......

How could I not be funny????

How could I not grow up to love comedy??

How could I let down Lucille Ball who obviously saw something special in me as a baby??

WHAT? 

LUCILLE BALL??

Yes Folks. That is baby J.R. with none other than the famous Lucille Ball
After I finish my summer break, I will explain this picture that hangs proudly in my hallway. This was my 15 minutes of fame, and of course I was too young to remember any of it. 

Happy Summer! 

Enjoy the sunsets,

Hula Hoop in your yard,
Sit by a campfire, 
and 
LAUGH!

Beautiful 

Can she stay 6 years old forever? 

When there is no Hubby or  'Boy Scout' around to help make a proper fire, you just keep pouring lighter fluid on the darn thing.