Tuesday, January 10, 2012

P.M.S. P.retty M.uch S.ure I am going to choke somebody

P.retty M.uch S.ure I am going to choke somebody
I am pretty sure that as I have gotten older, so has my good friend, PMS.Well she is more like a frenemy. She had her good days, really she did. In fact she was one of those friends that you just hung on to, but you weren't sure why. I mean, she came in handy when you needed a quick excuse for something.

"Honey, whats for dinner?"

"I don't know. Why are you asking me? Because I'm the WIFE? Because I'm the MOM? Am I the only one around here that knows how to cook?" 

"Sorry Babe"

"Oh, I'm sorry I snapped at you. It's that darn PMS. I'm just so bloated and crampy, the last thing I feel like doing is standing at the stove"

"I'll cook tonight,don't worry. I'll get you the heating pad too"


Walking in the door from work
"Uggh, this guy cut me off on the freeway, then our neighbor up the street gave me the 'slow down' hand signal, as I came around the corner. All I want to do is take a bath and die. Am I ugly?, I just want to cry, I love you guys so much. O.K. enough hugs, mommy needs alone time, all I want is to be LEFT ALONE" - leaves family amazed, confused and bewildered downstairs.

"Kids, we are going to give mom some quiet time tonight.She's all PMS'y!"
I hear him say that, but I don't care. I don't care because I just heard the magic words. WE WILL LEAVE MOM ALONE TONIGHT, then I hear my second favorite magic words..........
"Dad's cookin dinner!Who wants Mcdonalds?"

Left alone, dads cookin (well the teenager at McDonalds is actually cooking, but who cares) This PMS thing isn't too bad.

Yeah, that was a few years ago. Now she is old and crotchety, and not nearly as fun as she used to be. (well, she was never fun, but she sure as heck wasn't such a wicked bitch) PMS in my late thirties is killing me. I mean literally, I think she is killing me. Like slowly, killing me.A tiny dash of poison in my coffee every morning, taking years to drive me to the point of death. The anger inside is literally a volcano. I feel it go from LOVE,LOVE,LOVE,HAPPY,SUNSHINE,ROSES, to LAVA,ANGER,FIRE,LAVA,ANGER,FIRE.

In all seriousness, I have been tracking it, and I used to just think I was a moody person, the X's on my calendar tell a different story. 

I started my period at the age of thirteen, but I would say it has just been the last few where I have noticed an extreme change. So I would like to extend an apology, first to the women whom I would roll my eyes at when they would complain about PMS. I am a nurturer, and I am generally a caring person, so rolling my eyes wasn't meant in a 'shut up, quit your complaining' kind of way, but I just didn't understand. 
My second apology goes to my husband and kids. Since they pretty much take the abuse, oh yeah and only a tiny apology to every a**hole on the freeway when I am trying to rush home, take off my tight skirt, tight pantyhose, tight pants,tight zip up boots,tight high heels,tight earring (just wanted to see if you were reading, I mean who has a tight earring??) Everything is tight when you are PMS'ing, and there is no better feeling than running in my front door, ripping those tight clothes off, and putting on my most raggedy pair of sweats,with my favorite grey sweatshirt that I have had since I was eighteen.(it really is my favorite sweatshirt. I even have it mentioned in my Will software I bought years ago, when I thought our plane was going to go down on our way to New Orleans. I don't have fine jewels, secret money markets, or antiques. But a Rubio's Baja Grill sweatshirt that I wore even when I was pregnant with my son, will surely then go to my son) Hopefully the sweatshirt doesn't cause a family war between my children. I mean, I have my childhood stuffed animals, my special pillow (that my husband says smells like a dirty sock), a table I painted in a furniture painting class, my favorite pair of hoop earrings from the accessory store in the mall, my trinkets from Japan where I was an exchange student, my..................... 

WOW, I just really got off track, and I also realized that I was talking about my almost crippling PMS, and then went straight into talking about my WILL. That may seem strange, but believe me, there is no twisted, dark correlation. And if you read my other posts, you will know that I go off track very easily. Plus didn't you read my title? 'I am going to choke somebody' Not myself!!! 
No need to be alarmed, this will all end in about 2 days, 12 hours, 43 minutes and 32 seconds.Then my Aunt Floe is coming into town. She is another crotchety one. She used to stay for 4 days, and then BOOM, pack up and leave.No drawn out goodbyes, just gone. Now she stays for 2, I think 'great, she is going home' , and then she comes back again,lingers around for another couple of days, and I can't keep her visits straight. Is she coming or going?

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