Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I'm a Woman! This Sucks!! You are a Man! YOU Suck!!!

Being a woman is so much fun. And here is a condensed list of things that make it fun,starting with the beginning:
**You know how nature shows will show you the phases of a blooming flower, from seed to bloom using time lapse photography? Well this is all the sucky parts of being a female, written and meant to be read in time lapsed speed.
  • Diaper rashes covering all of your privates- “Honey, she looks a little pink down there. Should I call the doctor?”o.k. keep Desitin on her at night, Desitin 24/7, wow how did her poop go all the way up her front, I hope I got it all. Oh, I don’t think I got it all, now she has a UTI. We are out of Desitin. O.K. got more Desitin. Poop in there again? UGGHHH!!! 
  • Fear of a period even before your time-what if I start at school?, what If I'm wearing white,?
  • Start of period- everyone is swimming, but I have a pad on. My pad is moving around, oh no
  • Period through teen yearscan I borrow a tampon? do you have a tampon? I can't feel the string to my tampon? Wait did I even take the first tampon out? Oh god, I hope I don't have my period on Homecoming! Mom can you pick me up some tampons? "No, but your dad is going to the store. What size do you need?"  "WHAT, MOOOMMM, NOOOO!!!"
  • Taking the PillDo I ask my mom or do I sneak it from a clinic place? I can't even remember my homework, how will I remember a pill? Oh well, I don't technically need it, but all my friends have it.I want some in my purse.
  • Yeast infectiononly wear cotton underwear, don't leave a wet bathing suit on too long, are your pants made of polyester. 'mom, can you buy me some medicine?' 'No honey, but your dad is going to the store, I will ask him' ' OH MY GOD, MOOOOMM'
  • CrampsMom, can you write me a note for P.E. today? Can I just stay home today? Mom, can you find me the heating pad? I love you mom! Ugghh, these cramps suck mom. What can I take to make them go away?
  • CystsOvarian cysts, fun!!!
  • SEXhurts the first time, the books say you should pee before and pee after, good lord that is romantic. Sorry, I have a headache! I love you so much, my headache is gone. I think I'm pregnant! I am pregnant! yay!!! 
  • PREGNANCYWow a miracle is forming inside me. Blaachh, Blaacchheeh(vomiting noises), I don't want another saltine cracker, and those f'ing prenatal pills make me puke!! Honey, god, I'm pregnant, what do you expect from me? I'm tired! I know I'm 7 months pregnant, but am I still HOT? Ugghhh, they say sex will help bring on labor,so get over here. No, not that way, uggh, never mind. I'm a fat cow!! Wait, I'm having a contraction! I'm scared, this hurts, I hate you, I love you! Cesarean? O.K. no pain, sure bring it on. It's a girl!! I LOVE YOU.  
  • After Pregnancy-  Uggh, recovering from a Cesarean SUCKS! Don't make me laugh, my staples might rip. Nurse, I need more Vicodin. Can you breastfeed on Vicodin? OWWW, breastfeeding hurts. Blood blister, on my boob.! WHAT? Ow again. Breastfeeding is a breeze. No you can't touch my Boobs, they are for the baby now, not you. I know it has been 6 weeks, but with a cesarean it is 9. I know it has been 9 weeks, but ummm, welll, umm oh, yeah, well I read in a magazine article that you should wait until the mom is 100 percent ready, oh and you should buy flowers, wine, and a gift card to Macys.
  • Numerous Pregnancies/Children I wish I could wear a bikini. Husband says "YOU CAN!!" Then you say "you are just saying that because you have to."  You know what, I can rock a bikini. I have had 4 kids, and I look great compared to alot of other moms. Oh, my god, I don't know what I was thinking. I look horrible. This bikini is going back to Macys. I need a boob job! Not only a boob job but a tummy tuck too. I am going to get my tubes tied! Wow, I didn't know getting your tubes tied had recovery time, and was so extensive. You jerk,why didn't you stop me and offer to get a Vasectomy. I hear it's a breeze for men. My period is all weird now, I feel like it comes and goes, like its all month long.Sex?? Right NOW? Not now honey, the kids are awake, the kids are home, the kids are right downstairs, the kids are existing.
  • Life of a woman in her 30's- Sharp exruciating pain. Great, cysts again. I haven't had those in a while. And on our anniversary? Thanks honey for taking me to the E.R. A doctor that looks like he is 20, is going to do a pelvic. Sir, would you like to stay in the room with your wife, or step out while I do this? Umm, well, Wow, he looks like he's 20. O.K. your wife is clear to go, the cyst has ruptured. That is why she was nauseous. PMS is awful. I did not know I could single handedly hate the entire world in just one big HATEFEST! "Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I was looking up on my iphone, and maybe you are suffering from pre-menopause, I mean its just a thought" Thanks hubby, I'll look into that.  "Hey, J, you may want to look into getting your hormone levels tested. Or, get this, it could be PTLS"   'PTLS, what is that?'  "Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. You may want to think about getting your tubal reversed. It could really be messing with you. Look it up"  Guess what Honey, I could have PTLS, and you could have saved me from that if you had just had your balls snipped.
  • Life in 40's- I don't know yet, but I will keep ya posted. 

What Men Have to Go Through, from the beginning

  • Circumcision-.K. boys, I will give you this one. I listened to my son scream, and was traumatized. BUT..... I will also say. He was recovered in 5 days, and I have never heard him complain about it since. 
  • Peeing standing up- YOU ARE LUCKY! End of story!
  • Wondering why you wake up in the morning 'Happy'- Again, not a bad thing!
  • SEX - Yes Buddy you finally did it! High Five!! Hey babe, I love you! You have a headache again? You love me too? You might be pregnant?
  • Pregnancy-  Yes, I'm gonna be a dad!! High Five! Honey, why are you so tired? Hey, since you are pregnant, you can be the designated driver!Hey babe, is it normal for me to have pregnancy sympathy pains? Why'd you punch me in the arm? What did I say? Wow babe, I wish I was you, just for a day. Just to feel a baby kicking around inside of me. Uhh, babe, wake up, did you just pee the bed? Are you in labor? It sounds like you are dying, does it hurt that bad? Oh, they are going to do a Cesarean, now  you won't have any pain! Since you are going to breastfeed, does that mean you will wake up with the baby at night? Why are you crying? What did I say?
  • After Pregnancy- Honey, the baby is crying again. I think she is hungry,tired,wet,teething. And for some reason I am under the assumption you are the only one who can handle all of these things. I'm off to go golfing, everything o.k. babe, do you need anything before I go? What's that? Oh, shit the guys are here to pick me up, I'll hand you the remote when I get back. 
  • Numerous Children- Lets try again for another baby (which is code for, lets have sex) Of course I think you are pretty, why are you crying? No, that bikini looks great on you. You have an infection? Down there? You want me to buy you what? Ummm, I'll watch the kids, you can run and grab it yourself. Gyne-Lotri What? I'm going golfing, I need a break! Can we do it first though? Oww, why'd you punch me in the arm? What did I say?
  • Life of a man in his 30's(as far as 'personal parts') - Mood Swings? NO! Ovarian Cysts? NO! Infections? NO! Periods, NO!!!!, Not in the mood Headaches, HELL NO!!, Feeling fat, ugly,lumpy,sore breasts,PMS having, Pap Smear getting,Just read an article that wearing thongs can give you bacterial infections, great now what do I wear? NONE OF THIS!! Pre-Menopause, I have no idea what that is but I googled some of my wife's symptoms, and I have come to the conclusion she has it. Oww, why did she punch me in the arm? WHAT DID I SAY?? 
  • Life of a man in his 40's, 50's, 60's- They say men get more handsome with age. Grey hair makes them look distinguished!Well congratulations to them. Really happy for you guys!! Oh, look and they even make a pill just for you that makes you "HAPPY" down there, for four hours straight. Well, since your wife is Menopausal, looks like you are shit out of luck!

Well Guys, after looking over the list, the only one I'm giving you is Circumcision! And that was how many years ago?  And maybe dealing with your wife's mood swings during Pregnancy and PMS. But, hey, you get to go Golfing and 'get a break'!! Buy your wife a bottle of wine, a bouquet of flowers, kiss her on the lips, and tell her you will give her a massage, an actual real massage nothing else expected, then give the kids their baths, and tuck them in. Tell your wife you love her, tuck her in, and be grateful for the woman next to you. She has been through alot since coming out of the womb! 

To all the men out there who may not like this post, I respond with this:

"What? What did I say?"


  1. A Woman. Her truth. Her words. She is funny. I mean Tina f*****g Fey funny!!!!


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