Thursday, January 19, 2012

Hubby is playin Mister Mom this week, is it too much to ask for next week as well???

One of my first posts when I started this blog, was about how much time I spend at the Doctors office. I have four children, so Doctors, Dentists, and Orthodontists are pretty much par for the course.Not to mention the occasional visit to the local Urgent Care, Hospital Emergency room, Ear Nose and Throat specialist, Pediatric Surgeon ( my son shot himself dead center in the palm of his hand with his pellet gun when he was 15. Don't ask!!), Eye Doctor, Dermatologist, you get my point. Then there are the numerous appointments for myself. OB/Gyn, Primary Care, Urgent Care. Mammogram and Punch Biopsy on my breast at the young age of 35, because my breast was itchy ALL THE TIME. Turns out that is a symptom of Pagets Disease. Ever heard of it? Neither had I!! Did I wind up having it? No, I just have an itchy Boob!! FUN!!! and so on........... I should show a picture of my calendar, and all of its little squares being filled up with Doctors Appointments!!

But the appointments I dread the most, the ones that cause me to sweat, feel sick,anxious, and suddenly claustrophobic, are the dreaded well baby / well child checks. Because you know what that means don't ya moms? It means 'SHOTS', Immunizations, lying to your child........

"Mommy has to take you to the Doctor today"

"Why Mama?"

"Oh, just a checkup. So the doctor can look in your ear, and stuff"

"is he just gonna look in my ear?"

"yup" - unable to keep eye contact while lying

"I not getting a shot am I mommy,am I?"

"Umm, I don't know honey, but if you do, you need to be brave"- totally lying. I do know!! I know!!

Already crying " No, No mommy"

"Mommy will buy you a toy afterwards"

I dread the appointment from the moment I call and schedule it. I wish that my stupid smart phone (stupid and smart, wow, what a phone) would forget to remind me, but nooooo its sooooo smart, it reminds me twice. Show Off!!

I usually make morning appointments, so that I can get them over with. Walking into the building as if I am a prisoner on a pirate ship walking the plank. Am I a drama queen or what? I'm not even the one getting the shots. My poor kids are. So I walk in, sign the check in form and wait................
Then when the nurse calls our name, the perspiration starts. I gather up my purse, put down the magazines I was keeping myself distracted with, call my child from the little toy section they have provided to keep the kiddos busy, and head down the hallway of doom. My daughters smile is starting to fade, but the thought of getting a Snow White or Sponge Bob sticker at the end, still keeps a glimmer in one eye. The other eye is darting around looking for Doctor Evil (which is the name she will give him, after the shots are administered) Although, really the nurse is the one who gets to do the deed. He gets to slip out before the screaming starts.

When I am in the room, and the nurse says "the Doctor will be here in a minute" I just sit and stare. Usually dodging more "is it gonna hurt mommy?" questions! Dammit, what is taking him so long.  Why is it so hot in here? Could I be pre-menopausal? It's not my appointment, but I'm gonna ask him real quick about pre-menopause? God, it is hot in here!! Yuck, is that dried blood on the ground? Oh, thank god, it's not! "honey, just stay seated. Doctor F will be in here any minute. Yes, I am still going to buy you a toy."  Shit, why did I tell her that. My husband and I just had a 'budget' talk again. I will take her to the Dollar Store, she won't know the difference. Why is it soooo hot in here? God, my stomach hurts, I shouldn't have drank so much coffee. UGGGGGHHHHH,WHAT IS TAKING HIM SO LONG!! I thought I was the first appointment of the day.

I scheduled this appointment on my day off, but I tell you, this feels like work. It takes up half my day. I wake up in the morning thinking about it, talking about it, dreading it.

Well, that is how most of the Doctors appointments go. My husband has to work, I go on my day off, or take the day off since it is much more socially acceptable for a mom to re-schedule her whole work week around Doctors appointments then it is for a dad, but not this week people. My husband basically had the week off. His schedule was a bit slow, so he has been doing the Mr. Mom thing.
I came home from work the other day and this was our conversation

"Hey M, thanks for getting the kids and going to the store" - why I am thanking him for the job I do everyday, I am not sure, but it felt like the right thing to say.Even though I work, I have a flexible schedule,so I work and drive kids around,and make it to the store. 

"I feel like I have been driving aaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day" - he says with an exhausted face.

"Ya think?"

"I was just saying"

Suddenly I remember, our five year old has her 5 year checkup on Wednesday. 5 year checkup being a big one, lots of shots probably. I usually work Wednesdays, but Wednesdays are also one of my most easy days. I could totally take my daughter to her appointment at 9, then go to work after. But this Wednesday, I am actually doing the 9-5:30 shift. Covering for our full time girl. 

"Hey M, whats  your schedule lookin like for Wednesday?"

"As of now, nothing. Why?"

"Well, I have to work a full day, but K has her appointment. Could you take her?"

"Uhh, sure. Yeah, of course" - Was there a hint of "me? why me? you are the mom." I don't know, his voice started to trail that way, but quickly recovered. I will never know. "YES, OF COURSE!" he said again in a matter of fact way.

DANCING, SPINNING CIRCLES,SMILING TILL MY FACE HURT!! WOOP WOOP!! HE GETS TO SWEAT,WAIT AN HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES UNTIL OUR DAUGHTERS NAME IS CALLED! ANSWER A GAZILLION 'IS IT GOING TO HURT?' QUESTIONS.  THEN HE GETS TO HOLD HER DOWN WHILE THE NURSE ADMINISTERS THE SHOTS! I hate that part, I always cry, then want to punch the nurse, pick up my child and run screaming 'Mommy will never let them hurt you again baby!!'  THEN TAKE HER TO THE DOLLAR STORE (I will have to tell him about that one) THEN GO HOME, AND TAKE A NAP (It is so draining for me)

"Great. Thanks. It shouldn't be too bad. She might get shots, I'm not too sure!" - o.k. now I am lying to the husband. MIGHT get shots. I'm NOT SURE. It is a five year check up, of course she is getting shots!

------Wednesday Morning----------

Giving my daughter a kiss, wow her head feels a bit warm and she has a runny nose. Shit!!! If she is sick, they will not give her immunizations. - o.k. I am not some torture loving mom,who takes pleasure in my children getting shots. But the Hubby is taking her, remember?? He is getting the shots over with for me. No shots for a long while after this appointment, and HE WAS GETTING THE JOB DONE!! NOT ME!! 

My head is spinning in overdrive.

"Hey honey, what does your schedule look like next week?"

"Well, next week it picks up again. Big job lined up next week. Why?"

"Nevermind. Well, when you go in this morning make sure to ask about her fever. They may not give her immunizations if she has one. They may tell you to bring her back" - crossing my fingers.SHIT!

------Later on that day-------
Phone call from Hubby after appointment

" O.K. well, she needs to see the Ear Nose and Throat specialist again for that lump on her neck. He is  sending for a referral for the eye doctor too. Her left eye is a little off. I figure you can schedule all of those for your days off."

"O.K. Did you go over my list? Did you remember everything I wanted you to ask him?" - yes, I made a list. A very sloppy, hurried list, but I made a list. My husband can remember all the coordinates for where the fish were biting on his fishing trip, but I'm not sure he would remember to ask about the bumps on our daughters arm, if her recent headaches are 'normal', and what could be causing her to say she feels like she is 'going to throw up' after she eats. 

"Yes, I just handed him the list.He said he was 'proud of you' for writing it, by the way." - insert a little smile hear. I am a 'proud whore'. I thrive off of people being proud of me. Family, bosses, sandwich maker at Subway. I want them to be proud of the way I so efficiently answer their questions. "Wheat Bread please. Yes, toasted. Provolone, mayo and mustard. Salt and Pepper yes. Combo please. To go. Thank you"  

"Proud of my list? Cool!"
The 'List'

 Then came the dreaded, awful, gut wrenching news

"Oh, and you have to bring her back Monday at 9. They will give her her shots then."


"I have a job lined up on Monday, so I can't take her, but I scheduled it for Monday since that is your easy day and you work from home that day."


"They had to squeeze her in though, so it might be a little bit of a wait"


"Babe?? Hello! Monday at 9, does that work for you?"


"Yeah, that is fine.Monday at 9. I will be there"

" And then they will call you about the ENT, and the Eye Doctor"

"O.K. Sounds good, well give her a hug and kiss, and I will see you when I get home from work"

Macy's, Here We Come!!
Errr, I mean, Dollar Store here we come! Whoo, that was a slip!!! 


  1. Oh I so loved this post, made me guffaw like a prized idiot.

  2. I loved this post too,well, except the part about me having to bring my daughter back on Monday morning at 9:00.Why?? OH WHY??? I was so close, SO CLOSE!!!!Does anyone else hate taking their children to the doctor as much as I do.


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