Thank God for Wal Mart and Duct Tape!

I'm tired, and my fingers don't even want to type.

So this will be short!

GOD BLESS DUCT TAPE!

My daughters performed this week in their High School's Student Choreography show case. Props were needed. Props built by my husband, and painted by yours truly.

The first showing was a matinee at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday. The first performance is never crowded, and that was probably a good thing, as the tombstone prop that we built FAILED! 

The glue wasn't strong enough, or something; not to mention that my daughter probably did not pull her feet up high enough, and her sister and friend probably did not give all their strength when lifting her, but they are kids, they worked their butts off for the past month practicing, so I will blame it on the construction.

Lift your feet honey, Lift your feet!

Man Down, Man Down! Errr, I mean, Prop Tombstone Down, Prop Down!!

I can't imagine what was going through my daughters mind that very  second.
But she might have been thinking
"F*CK, SH*T, WHAT THE HELL, DAMMIT!!"
Noooooooo, not my daughter!  I am sure she was thinking "Golly Gee Willakers, how did that happen?"I was mouthing
"Keep Dancing!KEEP DANCING!!!" 

~Cut to intermission~

Mom wipes a tear from daughters eye,

Mom helps both daughters & their friend laugh it off.

Mom finds someone with a roll of Duct Tape (yes, apparently people just carry it around with them) 

Mom runs backstage, and quickly starts taping like a mad woman, so it will be repaired before the 7:00 showing.

Mom then runs to Taco Bell to get the girls dinner before the night show.

Mom's phone rings as she is pulling out of the drive thru

"Uhh, can you get more duct tape?Some girl backstage wanted to see if she could jump over the tombstones, and she broke the other one. And Kialy's tombstone is kinda loose too"

Lo and Behold, I am in a Wal Mart shopping center.

Super Mom to the rescue.

Taco Bell delivered, Tombstone #2 and #3 repaired (and even better as I bought black duct tape, instead of the grey that I had to borrow the first time) 

Ready for the next dance!

Cross your fingers!

oh, and honey, lift your feet higher......Mom's just sayin......!

See the duct tape at the bottom? That is some handy work, huh? YEAH? Right?
I know! 

SUCCESS!!!!!!!
MUCH BETTER!!!!
YES!
THOSE ARE MY GIRLS!!!
THEY ROCK.......And their mom isn't so bad either

Did you just tell me to 'Shut the Hell Up'???

If you are driving with your six year old daughter, and you think you are entertaining her by engaging in some chit chat, and she says

"Umm, Mama I know a game we can play. Let's play the 'Whoever can be the most quietest game, and whoever talks loses, so if you talk you lose, but whoever is quietest wins, so you gotta be the quietest'......Yeahh, mama let's play that game"

Then she lays her head back against her head rest and stares out at the ocean as you take the scenic route home. 

Well you know what just happened?

You just got asked to 

 'Shut the hell up'

in six year old talk.

Did she just try to play the master?

Did she just do the ol' switcheroo and play me at my own game?

Did she .....

Did she.....??

Yeah, she just told me!

In all seriousness, this happened today. Did my daughter need some quiet time to mentally go over the events of her day?

Did she just want to stare at the waves crashing on the sand, and ponder the meaning of life?

Was my meaningless chit-chat not superb enough for her exuberant brain?

~or~

Do six year olds just need some quiet time in their life too?

We probably don't give the little ones enough credit, but they can be pretty wise.

Maybe it was her way of saying 

"Hey Mama, let's just be silent and enjoy the beauty of the ocean that we are so blessed to live by"

??

Nahhh,

I think she was saying

"Shut the heck up Mama!Stop talking about all the fun things we are going to do this summer, and for the love of god PLEASE STOP SINGING

You cannot, and never will be able to sing like Kelly Clarkson, Adele, or Stevie Nicks. PLEASE STOP TRYING"

* This moment of silence is dedicated to my daughter. Really and truly one of the wisest, most thoughtful, and sweetest little human beings. 

Besides my other 3, they are pretty wise, thoughtful and sweet.

Dam equality! 

I would like to thank my husband for sucking the life out of me one day at a time over the past month and a half

My husband had decided a few weeks ago to make some healthy changes in his life. In all honesty a trip to the doctor for a check up will do that to you. I was proud of him for coming home and stating to all that will listen that he was going to, quote, "Make some changes concerning some of my unhealthy habits"

Good for him!

Woo Hoo!

Way to go honey!

I'm proud of you!

No more midnight snacks? WOW babe, you are great!

Cutting back on carbs? You Rock!!!

Evening walks along with hoppin on the exercise bike? You are amazing me with every step.

De -Caff Coffee? You are the bomb!!!

WAIT......

Did you say you want to switch to 

De-Caff, and it'd be easier if we both did so that we don't have to make two pots, blah, blah, blah and it would do me some good also, and other bullshit? 

You are NOT great!

You do NOT rock!

Amazing me my ass!

and

You are NOT the bomb!

Actually you are a bomb. The bomb that blew up my happiness. The bomb that destroyed the center of my universe.

The bomb that singlehandedly took away every fiber of the neuron cells that produced my energy.

Want to see what I look like folks?

Hope you are happy honey bunny, pookie schnookie, pumpkin pie, apple of my eye. 

You said I'd 'get used to it!' 

You said 'It'll be good for you too'.

You said.......You said.........Uhhhhhhh, OH GOD, the lack of caffeine is causing memory loss. Somebody help me!

In case I don't see ya; Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night!

I will take a break from embarrassing my family, and instead I will simply put up pictures of the Christmas gift I made for my son this year.

His all time favorite movie is The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. It is not a movie showing Jim Carreys usual  Jim Carreyness. It is a satire of sorts, and a little bit of drama mixed with comedy. A semi darkness / sadness to it also (in my opinion) But just one of those movies that we love.

Anyway, I was trying to think of one more gift for my son for Christmas and suddenly it hit me. You know those poster prints that are all the rage right now. Basically a two toned printed with block letters spelling out either a favorite phrase, or lyrics from a song. Do It Yourselfers are learning from Pinterest how to create their own, and that is exactly what I did.

~Starting with a small piece of plywood my husband had left over from a job~

After this step, I used an antiquing varnish and wiped it over the whole print about 5 or 6 times. Then sanded some of the sides a bit to give it a vintage look. 

 I wrote something special on the back! Hopefully this will hang not only in his room, but in his bachelor pad, and eventually his family home. Unless he marries a woman that demands that he only hang it in his man cave or garage. Then we may have a problem. ;) 

The movie is about Truman, played by Jim Carrey, who lives his life in front of cameras on his own reality show. The only thing is, he is not aware that his life is being filmed. The cameras are hidden, and it has been that way since his birth. He is always cheerful to everyone, and the quote I painted is something that he would say to his neighbors in the morning. 

But at the end of the movie when he figures it all out and essentially 'escapes' the clutches of the producer he utters his famous quote one last time, but in a much different tone.

Great Movie! 

Tomorrow I will be back to my usual  programming;

You know, showcasing the shenanigans of my family. 

Should I steal toilet paper from the mall? Just this once?

So my girls had money and gift cards from Christmas, and they were burning a hole in their pockets.

They did not want to go to our same ol' boring, lame, tiny mall - quote from the teens, as I personally like our mall.

So I decided to take them to a mall about 30 minutes away. It has a few stores that our mall does not have, including a Nordstroms, H&M, and a 3 Story Target!!! 
3 Story Target? I'm sold.

We shopped, we ate in the food court, and we shopped some more. Six of us total, as I let the girls each invite a friend.

Back at the Food Court for our second time in the evening, we all sat there a bit run down looking. I am not the hugest shopper, but today I went full force, and I tell ya; This Mama was pooped!

"Hey Guys, I know we haven't even stepped foot in the giganticor (made up word) Target, but I am done for the night. I don't think I can walk another step."

BZZZZZ BZZZZZZ

"O.K. your dad just texted me. He needs us to stop and get toilet paper on the way home~SHIT! I am so tired, I don't want to have to go anywhere else"

And tired I was. After this conversation with the girls, I used the restroom in the food court and as I sat on the toilet, I actually contemplated just grabbing a roll from the stall and sticking it in my purse. 

I said CONTEMPLATED, not DID IT! But boy did I contemplate long and hard. I was just so tired, and just wanted to get home.Dam my moral compass!

"Come on girls, let's go. I'm exhausted, and we still are going to have to stop by the store for toilet paper."

BAM!

VOILA!!!!

WAIT! THEY HAVE A FREAKING 3 STORY TARGET INSIDE THE MALL!!!

TOILET PAPER!
YES!!

This is not a mall that we come to very often, and we were all a bit turned around.I swore that the Target was literally right next to the Nordstroms, which is where we parked. We could purchase the TP, head out the Target doors and be right at our car. 

Paid for the TP, and my oldest daughter grabbed it from the checker as I put my wallet back in my purse.

Finally heading home.

Wait! This isn't where we are parked.So we walk back into Target, and realize that we actually have to go out the Target doors, and back into the mall. Turn left, and head all the way down the first floor until we hit Nordstroms, then go through Nordstroms, and then we will be in the right parking lot.

Question: How long do you think it took my daughter to realize that she was holding the big bundle of Toilet Paper, and that she was going to have to carry it through the ENTIRE MALL?

Answer: About 2.6 seconds - "OH MY GOD!! Is anyone looking at me? I can't believe I'm carrying toilet paper through the mall. Why are you guys walking so fast, wait........" 

I Don't See Nothing Wrong With a Little Bump-N-Grind

Hey Ladies, you know that Double Edged Sword known as the "Husband Massage"? You know, where the husband actually surprises you by offering up his massage skills, only to have the massage sabotaged by his penis. Somehow his thumbs are tired after 5.6 seconds of rubbing, but by golly Mr.Penis looks as though he just drank 10 Red Bulls!

Let me explain it:

Wife: Gosh, my back and neck really have been hurting lately. I mean, really sore. I sure wish I could get a massage!

Husband: Then go get one. 

Wife: We don't have the money right now. Also, I am pretty traumatized from the last massage I got which I have now dubbed " The worst massage EVER because I was holding in a Fart the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME" Dam my gassy stomach and irritable bowel syndrome!!!! I just wish you would give me a massage. Like a real massage! Like the one you gave me when we were first dating. Oil, tranquil music, full 50 minute massage. Wow those were the good ol' days!! Hint Hint

Husband: O.K. you are right! You deserve one. Tonight we will relive the 'good ol' days as you like to call them, and I will give you a real massage. 

Wife: A real one! No whining that your hands are tired, but YOU aren't too tired if 'you catch my drift'??!!??

Husband: Yes, a real massage. Promise! 

Fast Forward to Tonight

Kids in bed   -   check

Lights dimmed - check

One excited, ready to relax wife - double check

Wife: Hey babe, just turn on one of the cable music channels on the t.v. Find some mellow music.

Husband: Good idea.

Mellow music - check

I will give it to my husband. He was doing fantastic. AWESOME in fact. His hands were workin their magic. He rubbed, kneaded, circled, and touched all my sore areas. He was focused. His hands were working, and his penis was not distracting him..........

Until.......

Remember the mellow music playing from the cable t.v. music channels?

Well I was not paying 100% attention to what music was accompanying my massage. There was an old school Whitney Houston song, a Boyz to Men number, and some Mariah Carey. 

But then this

With lyrics like these, let's just hope he has suddenly gone deaf! FOCUS!

[Chorus: repeat 4x]
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind

See I know just what you want and I know just what you need girl
So baby bring your body to me (bring your body here)
I'm not fooling around with you baby
My love is true (with you) with you is where I want to be, girl see
you need someone someone like me to satisfy your every needs

How does it all end you ask?

Well my 50 minute massage was actually interrupted by a little monster; No, not his Bump-n-Grind Penis!

A knock, knock, knock at our door. A six year old little monster, a.k.a. our daughter, had a bad dream.

Husbands internal secret thought: 

DAMMIT!!!! F*CK, SH*T, DAMMITTT!!!!!I think I almost had her into wanting some of my 'Bump -N- Grind' action!!! DAM KIDS!!!

Wife's internal secret thought:

DAMMIT, my 50 minute massage got cut short at 28 minutes! He owes me 22 minutes. Oh well, at least we were interrupted before he started Bumpin and Grindin, instead of Kneadin-n-Massagin...........

The Cool Girl Likes Me! She even let me guest post on her blog!

Blogging is sort of like a club.

And there always has to be a new kid that wants in.

I was that new kid;in fact I think I still am a bit of a 'newbie.'

You follow certain blogs, they follow back, but you seem to have your few close pals.

Marianne at We Band of Mothers let me in her club, and I feel pretty darn cool.

Now, Marianne is probably reading this and chuckling.Shaking her head, and denying herself the Coolness Throne that I am putting her on. But who cares what she thinks..........

I think she is SUPER COOL!

Have we ever met? NO

Have we ever spoken? NO

But do I think she seems like a person I'd clink my glass with, and say"Cheers" to, all the while eating Hot Wings? YES

I just get that sense, and that is all there is to it!

OH

and one more reason why I think she is cool

SHE LET ME GUEST POST ON HER BLOG!

MY VERY FIRST GUEST POST EVER!

You can read it here

The reason she needs some guest bloggers is because she is busy with the Holidays, Football and promoting 

this

which can be purchased on Amazon

Thank you Marianne! ;)

I have a very important job, and I am VERY BUSY at my stressful important job!

I have an important job.

I am very busy.

I have deadlines,stress, and major responsibilities.

I have emails to check and respond to.

Voicemails to delete listen to.

Co-Workers to chit chat discuss important work topics with.

The other day my Co-Workers and I(whom also happen to be two of my closest friends)were going over some notes from a meeting that we had.

Wellllllllllllll,

Somehow, online marketing strategies turned into 

WHERE DO COYOTES GO DURING THE DAY?

First we were talking about some of our clients, and then it turned into talking about a Hospital in Oregon.

We deal with Hospitals

Then it went from a hospital in Oregon to talking about snow.

Then being trapped in the snow.

Then I said out loud "I could totally survive in the North Pole if I was stranded alone. I watched this show on how the Eskimos build Igloos, and I think I could do it. I mean, at least for shelter"

Then Jenna my Co-Worker/Friend said "I could totally picture you trying to build an igloo, hunting for polar bears."

Next Daniella got in on the National Geographic sounding discussion, saying "Oh My GOD J.R., actually I REALLY can see you trying to survive out in the canyon." 

Don't ask me how we moved on from the freezing, frigid North Pole weather, to the canyon behind my house in sunny San Diego. Like, really........Don't ask.

"Yeah, I would be back there trying to light a fire, hunting for coyote's!!"

Jenna then asks "In all seriousness, have you ever come across a coyote when you and M go for your walks?"

I say "NO"

She says "OH"

Then we all ponder silently until one of us asks

"Where do Coyote's go during the day? Like huts, or holes, or dens? DENS!! Yeah,I think that's it!"

"LET'S GOOGLE IT."

Yellow Arrows Point to Actual 'JOB STUFF'
Blue Arrows Point to 'BULLSH*T my co-workers and I think about

Yes Folks!

I am busy!

Pretty Fricking Busy! 

Thank Goodness I have off the next two days for New Year's! 

I need a break from all that stress!

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S 

XOXO,

J.R.

Sometimes I do things just to be like 'One of Those People'

Like my title? 

It is true!

Sometimes I look at certain people and think " I want to be like them"

or

"I want to do what they are doing"

or

"Hmmm, maybe I should start ______, or_______, or __________ then I will be one of those cool whatever kind of people"

Examples

Cool Vitamin Healthy juice drinking people:

I was at Target in the makeup section buying new lip gloss. The Vitamins were one isle over. 

Hmm, I thought. Maybe I should buy some vitamins. I could have them sitting on my counter, like "Hey look at me, I take vitamins. Not just a plain ol' boring multi vitamin, but like different letters and stuff!" 

I scanned the shelves. Fish oil......Uhhhh! Cod Liver?? WTH?......Prenatal?? Ahh, now that I recognize, and boy it sure did make my nails grow out long and strong. Vitamain B6? My eyes went straight to the word ENERGY. I need more energy, because I am always tired in the afternoon. Throw it in the basket! YAY, Success. Cool Vitamin Person, I have now become. 

A Person Who Can't Start Their Day Unless They Start it With CARDIO!

That person is NOT me! I do not get enjoyment from working out. I buy workout clothes only so that I have something to wear on the days that I don't feel like wearing tight jeans, but can't get away with wearing my fuzzy pajamas to Target. I want my friends to call me and say "Hey, whatcha doin today?" and for me to say "Oh, heading over to the gym..........after I work out at home first. You know me, HaHa Ha, the gym is my church!" 

The Gym is NOT my church! The Gym is not my go to happy place! Working out is awful, and I would rather have my eyes poked out with hot needles! 

Although, if walking from my car to the inside of Target to purchase more workout clothes;only to have to try on 4 different sports bras, 3 pairs of yoga pants, and 2 zip up hoodies........well if that doesn't sound like cardio to me, I don't know what is. Hey, maybe I am a fitness freak after all! 

An 'I can sit around discussing foreign news, the stock market, and overseas trading at a party' Type of Person.

First of all, is Overseas trading even a phrase? Is it even a 'thing'? It just rolled off my tongue, so I typed it.

Anyways, lets move on. I am already yawning!

Don't get me wrong, I can hold an intelligent conversation, but certain topics leave me bored and baffled!

Well I may not talk politics over a cosmopolitan,

but........

I can wear a mustache, fake glasses and wave my hands in the air like I 

JUST DON'T CARE!! 

No 'Bored and Baffled' going on here! Just a whoooole lotta Warm Rum Cider, Fake Mustache/Nose/Glasses and some music!
Take that Foreign Trade Stock Politics!

Our hearts go out to them Still So Sad

HOW TO STALK YOUR NEWLY LICENSED TEENAGE DAUGHTER, LESSON PLAN 1

Is that them? Is that the top of her car in the drive thru? It has to be. She loves McDonalds.

On Monday, December 10, 2012 at 8:43 a.m. our 16 year old daughter became a member of the Licensed Drivers Club.

On Monday, December 10, 2012 at 9:13 as her and our 14 year old pulled out of the DMV parking lot......my husband and I became members of the Parents Who Stalk Their Teens Club.

Part #1

Make sure you are staring all teary eyed and emotional at the CORRECT car in the McDonalds drive thru.

They had asked if they could get fast food breakfast, and then drive to school. We said 'yes'. They took off out of the lot, We got stuck at a red light.

We come down the hill of a major road and see them in the left turn lane, we think we are being slick going straight so that we can pull into the shopping center across the highway and stalk  lovingly watch as she orders her first real licensed driver Egg McMuffin.

Is that even her car? Wait, that isn't even her!!! Where are they?

Part #2

When you lose em, text the 14 year old passenger (never the driver) and nonchalantly ask if they have 'made it to school yet? Where did they wind up going to eat? Yada Yada'  Even though you know darn well they are still on the road, have not made it to school yet and 'wind up going to eat' is your way of asking 'WHERE ARE YOU EATING RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND????'

Success! 14 year old texts back saying

 "No, we are not at school yet. We came to Robertos, by the medical building." 

With screeching tires, we haul ass to Robertos. Breakfast Burritos; OF COURSE!  Surveillance under way!

Eventually they come out, (taking a bit of their sweet ol' time I have to say) and hopefully this is not a pre-cursor to their days of ditching. 

A few miles into it we catch up to them. It was a bit hard to try to stay hidden behind her, as she was thankfully driving a bit cautious and slow, and we couldn't keep stopping traffic just so that we could 'hang back, and not get caught stalking.'

They laughed at us in the rear view mirror at the red light before their school. I thought we would have U-turned to head home at that point, but hubby won the 'Crazy Parent Award' (an award usually saved for good ol' super freak mom)and followed them all the way into the student parking lot. Made sure she parked o.k., reminded her that she is now in charge of not only her life, but her sisters (No pressure put on her at all) blew her a kiss, gave a thumbs up and we took off.

Part #3

This lesson has nothing to do with stalking, but just a lesson on the Parents Place in the Pyramid of teenageland!

Once you are no longer needed to be the 25 and older driver of a 'Permit Carrying' Teen, you are no longer needed to be in the front seat. 

What happens when you say you want to go to the Dollar Tree?

B grabs her keys and says 

"I'll take you"

You smile and say

"How nice! Now you get to Chauffeur me around"

You walk out into the cold evening air with your 16 year old and 14 year old...

You automatically reach for the front seat passenger handle, and are greeted with a

"ummmm, K is going to sit up front with me. She is the D.J. of the stereo. Plus......you don't have to sit up front and help me anymore......... I have my actual license now"

This is my back seat view of B's car.
And I think they are getting a kick out of it.

I Am Recovering From Hip Replacement Surgery.......No, NO I'm not but I may as well be!

Hubby with his pro looking, energetic bowling moves

Way To Go! Spare! 

Concentrate, Concentrate, COOOOONNNNCCCEEEENNNTRRRAAATTTEEE! 

I may not be the best at everything, but I have a competitive side to me that can take something fun & turn it into something that brings these words out of my fist pumping, air jumping, finger poking mouth,

"Booyah! Take that sucker! YOU ARE GOING DOWN!"

*Disclaimer

No Hips were actually hurt or replaced in the production of this blog post. In actuality, the above picture is a portrayal of a woman on a mission to prove that she can get a strike before the night was over. Did she achieve her goal? Yes! Yes she did! But not without a price. It is now 3 days after this 'fun little date night' and I feel as though my lower back, hips, thighs, and left butt cheek were repeatedly given noogies. Noogies that only my older brother has the power to inflict on me. (has he been sneaking in while I am sleeping, only to brush up on his 'Noogiing skills?" ) I have been lifting off my couch with the same posture of a 105 year old woman reaching for her walker so that she can then make her way to her dentures. 

How many muscles are actually used when bowling, for goodness sake?

I have a Facebook Page, and Poop Ornaments Exist.

I created a Facebook Page for my blog. Everyone else was doing it, so I figured I would too.

Yes, if you all jumped off a bridge I would too...............As long as that bridge was only 2 feet over water, and not just any water, but crystal clear turquoise Hawaiian water, and there was a cabana boy waiting to hand me a Mai Tai with a chunk of pineapple and  a pink umbrella sticking out.



Anyway, I cannot figure out to how to add the widget that says

"Hey everybody, follow me on Facebook"

I will figure it out later, but between online shopping, checking emails for confirmation of my online purchases, and then helping my daughter online shop for her boyfriend........Well, my eyes are dry, and bugging out of my head. So I need a break from staring at my computer screen.

Here is my Facebook page. Please 'like' it. Please don't hate it. 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/mylifeconcoctedbymeblogspotcom/246742285428372

My Facebook Page

Like it or Santa won't come to your house.

Oh, and just for fun - look what my daughter found on Etsy for her boyfriend. 

Personalized Poop Ornaments!

Ohhhhhhh, she soooooo had to do it. Pooping and Farting are never NOT funny, and since her boyfriend started out as a 'good friend' they had already passed the whole "I can't fart or talk about my stomach issues because we are a new couple" Ohhhhhhhh No. When they were still in the friendship stage, Mr. Boyfriend came to visit us while we were camping at the beach, and he had his stomach issues in our tiny little camper. 

If any boyfriend deserves a Poop Ornament it would be him. 

If you have a special guy or gal in your life deserving of a poop ornament, you can find it here.

I am totally supportive when my husband is on a diet.....like totally...I promise! I SWEAR!! WHAT?!?!?

I am just going to say it! I am just going to shout the words out, and finally be set free of the guilt!

Ready?

O.K. - So, YES I admit. I have a metabolism that most people would kill for. 

There!!! I Said It! 

Now, with that being said. I probably have the clogged arteries most people would die from.

I am trying to eat healthier. I really am! I actually grew up on healthy food, but I also love junk food! 

My Husband? Not so lucky in the metabolism department............Sorry Honey (sad face inserted)

So every once in a while he gets into his little health kicks. Tells me he wants to start walking, eating better, using the laundry organizing station    errrrr, I mean the exercise bike. So on, and so on! Then there is always the discussion that starts with a look. A look he gives me as I am chomping on my Lays Potato Chips, followed by a Dr. Pepper chaser. 

"Babe.......I need your support! You have to start buying healthier foods. It'll do all of us good;you, me and even the kids. Fruits, vegetables, unsweetened cereals....all of it. Babe, you gotta do this for me.Stop filling the kitchen up with junk! Please!"

I actually listened this time. I listened, because he was right. Every time he mentions eating better, I wind up coming home with Chips Ahoy and Oreos. ( all Nabisco products buy one get one 1/2 off) I can't pass that up. BBQ Lays and Cheddar Sour Cream (Coupon for two for two dollars? Whhhaaatttt!!?? Of course I'm getting them) 

I put them in the cupboard, then lecture him when he finally caves and starts munching on cookies instead of the carrots I bought him.

I realized that this game we played was potentially costing him his health. My husband being my savior, my rock, my world and more. How could I not listen?

How could I keep bringing sugar, salts, and greasy lard into the kitchen when all the poor guy is trying to do is just lose a few pounds and feel better about his health.

So I did it guys! I did it! We went grocery shopping together, him and I. Carrots, Hummus, Strawberries, grapes, raspberries. Yogurt and Granola, whole grain bread, Garlic Powder to replace the Garlic SALT! Who needs potato chips when you can crunch on one of these little suckers.......Yup, that's right! A Carrot! 

Fast forward 2 days. I am still technically being supportive, because technically he said 'not to bring that junk into the kitchen anymore' So technically I am following the rules. My new found guilty pleasure has not stepped foot in the kitchen. In fact my friend Joe; Trader Joe to you people........well he is staying tucked away up in our bedroom. Hidden from the eyes of the husband and children. 

Milk Covered Potato Chips! 

I never claimed to be a Saint! And these devilishly, delicious concoctions of the sweet and salty mix are not in the kitchen. Hubby does even know about the secret house guest I have living in our home. 

Oh Trader Joe, you  Crazy Concoction Producing Genius

They are well hidden

Well, not really well hidden, but lets face it. 

My husband has no need, desire, or even the tiniest bit of curiosity to look into my mess of a craft supply / junk holder of an Armoire.

Don't open the bag honey.......DON'T STEP INTO THE LIGHT!!!

So hidden away from his slow metabolism, are my treats. My goodies; my happiness!

What you don't know won't kill you! 

It may just kill your wife one day when her unhealthy ways finally catch up with her.

And I think they are. 

In my next post I will describe how a date night at the bowling alley has me needing an ice pack and heating pad. 

Didn't know bowling could be so strenuous. 

Fast metabolism does not = in shape

Carrots, here I come. 

The Flip Side of Judging a Book By It's Cover. Tattoos,Do Gooders and a Royal Flush

If you think about it, even those of us who don't normally discriminate, judge, or 'size up' other people, are guilty of it at some point in their lives. 

Example - Tattoos

My husband is a General Contractor; a trusted & loved one at that. His customers range from a sweet 80 year old couple who trust him with their secret hiding spot for their house key, to a popular hat/clothing company FULL of warehouse merchandise, where the owners are giving him their alarm code so he can lock up when he is done building their new offices.

My husband also has full sleeves of tattoos. He knows that some may judge, so when he is meeting a potential client for the first time he wears a long sleeve shirt...........just in case. 

One time I was home alone during the day, and I heard the doorbell ring. I HATE when the doorbell rings on  a weekday when no one is home with me. I instantly tip toe to the door, and peer through the peep hole.

It could be a mass murderer as far as I am concerned, so I tip toe (quickly) to the back room and call my husband. 

"Honey! There is some scary guy ringing the door bell. Were you expecting anyone today, and forgot to tell them you weren't gonna be home?"

"No.... Why?"

"Well, there is some weird looking guy at the front door. Shaved head, goatee, tattoos, and like a dirty construction worker shirt on........ I'm SCARED!"

"Well, Babe, he is probably just some door to door home repair guy dropping off flyers. Just don't answer the door. Oh, and Babe......"

"Yeah"

"You know you just described me head to toe right?"

Uhhhhh

My husband getting a group hug from all three of our girls after giving them
 money to  get ice cream at the camp store. 

But just as there is judging in the world of people who don't fit societies standards of a 'normal, nice, innocent' looking person. There is a different kind of judgement that goes on. Reverse judging!

The kind where you look at someone and think WOW they sure seem:

• pleasant
• perfect
• nice
• sweet
• innocent
• shy
• quiet
• responsible
• good natured
• list could go on

I will set the scene for you

Let me go back to the beginning

I was born in 1974, my parents.......

Oh

Not that beginning

We were out of bread, so I took my more than eager (almost licensed) daughter to the store. Kill two birds with one stone. She could practice driving, and also run in for me as I was already in my slippers and jammies for the night. Don't judge! It was one of those days.

So I gave the little grocery list to my daughters, and sat daydreaming out the window, enjoying the rain.

Just people watching.

Just people watching.

Elderly couples walking arm in arm, as the husband chivalrously holds the umbrella over his wife.

Mothers shielding their little ones from the sprinkles above.

Men jumping in their car, with their 12 pack of beer after a long day at work.

And this woman

She was actually parked right in front of my daughters car. I watched her unload her groceries from the cart, and put them in the trunk of her mini van.She had auburn hair that she wore in a shoulder length bob. I remember chuckling to myself that her green sweater matched the color of her van. At one point she even turned her head a bit, and I could see that she was smiling.........for no reason, as she did not have anyone with her. Then I waited for it........my personal favorite past time. Waging a personal bet in my own head, as to whether or not a person will put their cart away, or just leave it in the middle of the lot, having no care for the car it will roll into 3 minutes later. 

Wait for it

Waaaaaiiiiiiitttttt for it

Waaaaaiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt foooooorrrrrrrrrr ittttttt!

WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAA

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

She is one of the good ones!

She walked her cart back to the receptacle. 

One small leap for PTO mom, 

One Giant Leap for Momkind

(or whatever, but you get my point) 

I sat up a little more erect in my seat.

I was a bit more elated when it came to the state of humanity all over the world. 

I was whistling the tune to 'Singing In The Rain'

I was

GAG!!!!

Again.......You get my point.

People are nice, they put their carts back, and the personal Cart Placing Poker Bet I placed in my own head was holding a Royal Flush. 

Then I witnessed what can only be described as a horrific crime against my town.

That bob hairstyle sporting, green sweater wearing, slightly plump in a jolly way, cart putting back, minivan driving lady did something that I usually stumble upon in parking lots and wonder 

'WHO THE HELL WOULD DO THIS!' 

'LAZY ASS, GOOD FOR NOTHING'

(and here is where the judging comes in)

'LAZY ASS'

1. Teenagers
2. White Trash
3. Homeless Car Living Tweakers
4. Probably the losers in front of me in line with the 10 screaming kids.

The 'sweet' lady started to pull away, and then stopped. I looked up; again, people watching. I wondered if maybe she forgot something, or was maybe waiting for another car to pull out, but then I saw her drivers side door open, and her body lean out. For a split second it reminded of the same position used by someone who drank WAAAAAYYYYYYY too much on New Years Eve, spent the night at a friends house, woke up first thing in the morning, jumped in her car to head home, but had to keep pulling over every ten minutes to stick her upper body out of the car so that she could throw up the last bit of remaining chunks left in her hungover & ashamed little soul. A bit off track, but I have heard that could happen. Not that I would know.

Anyways, 'sweet, jolly, plump lady' opened her car door, and stuck her Jack in the Box cup full of trash right smack dab in the middle of the parking space. 

I have no words people. No words, only sadness.

Really? Really, did you think I had No Words?

I have a few.

This, my friends, is what I call Reverse Discrimination. See, usually when I walk through a parking lot and look down to see that someone has cleaned out their car, and used the asphalt as a trash can, I tend to blame it on a variety of individuals. Use your imagination.

But none of the individuals conjured up in my head ever match the description of a sweater wearing minivan driving middle aged woman.

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover can work both ways.