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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

"WE MAY BE MAKING LOVE!!!"- and this is how I traumatized my daughters

I am a hot commodity in this house!

Needed by the hubby-
"Babe, where is my hat with the black rim?"
"I don't know, you wore it last"
"But you find everything. You are just good like that"
"Yeah......You are right!.......It is on the top shelf of closet, under your work shirts, half a centimeter away from my jewelry box, facing North East"
"Thanks J.R.!"

Needed by the kids-
"Mom where is the nail polish remover
                               hair shine spray
                               blowdryer
                               construction paper
                               Hershey's syrup
                               my black Vans
                               my grey Converse
                               my black strapless bra
                               dental floss
                               box of tampons we just bought
                               MY BRAIN!!!!!!!

Ahhhhh, Yes! A mom is always needed!

But the thing is, with all of this constant needing, I have a bad case of 'Door Knocking, Kid Needing Anxiety Disorder' 
Symptoms include:
  • Refusing to have sex with your husband at spontaneous times, or any time that you know the kids are awake, for fear of them needing you.
  • If giving in to having spontaneous sex, or kids are awake kind of sex, you are unable to fully relax, because one eyeball is firmly planted on the bedroom door. 
  • Trying to act relaxed, but all the while asking your husband, "are you sure you locked the door?" 
  • Hearing a creak in the floorboards, and pushing your husband off of you saying "see, I knew this was a bad idea"
  • Yelling to your kids "does anyone need anything out of my room?? I have diarrhea (wink, wink) and I want to be left alone for a while, so NO KNOCKING on my door" - that is how I prep the kids, and hope there will be no knocking! All the while, looking over at hubby whose nose is scrunched up, thinking he was going to get lucky, saying "you are joking right?Do you really have diarrhea right now?" 
My husband and I had a talk one day, because honestly the needing was getting out of hand! 
Anytime we would shut the door, it was cause for an automatic KNOCK! 

"Hey, babe, I need to talk with you about something serious. It is about B and one of her text messages."
"Oh, shut the door, let's talk!"
KNOCK-KNOCK

"Honey, will you shut the door? I want to go over Ki's Santa list with you."
KNOCK-KNOCK

OH MY GOD! SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!
WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT 4 YEAR OLDS!
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 15 AND 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS (and our 5 year old, but the teens are the worst)

"Girls, Giiiiiirrrrrrllllllssss! Upstairs for a family meeting! Pronto!!!!"

*I love family meetings! Feels so Brady Bunchy!

Eye rolls, annoyance, and huffing and puffing are what we are met with at our door.

"Girls, we asked you to come in here because we want to create a new house rule"


"What? Chores?"


"No, not chores. Although, good idea. More chores would be helpful. I'll get back to that one!"


"Great....Uggh"


"Anyway. The door knocking is getting out of hand!"


"Well, what else are we supposed to do? If we need something!"


"Not to mention, sometimes you don't even knock! You just walk in!"


"Because we know you are already in bed, or sleeping. We come in quietly!"


"If our door is shut! We may be busy.....Busy.....Busy, talking, discussing important stuff, changing, or maybe even having an argument. Leave us alone!"


"But, if we need the nail polish remover, what else are we supposed to do? I mean, you always put it under your sink and............"

-Husband interjects at this point-

"ARE YOU SERIOUS??? YOU WANT TO STAND HERE AND KEEP ARGUING WITH YOUR MOM? NO MORE DISCUSSION! IF THE DOOR IS OPEN, OR CRACKED,FINE, COME IN, WE HAVE AN OPEN DOOR POLICY. 
IF THE DOOR IS SHUT, LEAVE US ALONE!"

"But, I mean what if we..........."
-More arguing, so mom takes back her position in the conversation-

"OH MY GOD!!! Do you want me to spell it out for you? If the door is shut, we might be MAKING LOVE!!!!"


"Oh, God Mom, STOP!!! Don't say that!!!"


"Doing it! Having Sex! Freaky Freaky, Bumpin and Grindin!..........."
"STOP MOM!"


"We are married! We have sex! How do you think you all were made? How do you think I was made? Mema and Papa had sex"
"OH GOD, Not Mema and Papa! GOD PLEASE STOP!!!"


"Well, you two wanted to keep arguing! You deserve it!"


"We are leaving! I am never knocking on your door again"
"Me either, I am always afraid I am going to interrupt you or hear something gross. That is why I cough, and walk real loud when I get near your door"


"Well, if you think that, then leave us alone"


"I can't believe you guys do it when we are home! I thought you only did it when we were gone"- this was the comment of all comments, as there is always, at some point, atleast one kid home. So my daughter thinks we NEVER DO IT!

My husband was a little shocked that I just blurted it out, but I couldn't stand it anymore. His way just wasn't working. He believes that children deserve NO explanation. And while he is right, I live in the real world. I also live with these girls, and know their ways of thinking. They are arguers by nature. They need explanations. His explanation of "Well, we may be busy talking, so leave us alone" just wasn't working. 
The looks on their faces, and the trauma protruding from their core was actually getting to be quite satisfying. This was kinda fun.So I figured I'd give it one last hurrah as they gagged, and puked their way out of my room.

"Oh, and girls one more thing, just to make sure you have really soaked all of this in"

"Oh, god, what?!?!?!"

"Would you really want to walk in on us and have to see my feet up in the air, and your dads white  butt? Or better yet, me in a position that can only be described as ........

"OH GOD!!!!! I'M GONNA PUKE! YOU ARE AWFUL! STOP TALKING"

Honest to god, I feel so liberated! I feel free! It needed to be done, because it was getting out of hand. Especially in the summer time, as waiting for them to go to bed was not working. In the summer they stay up all night, we wind up falling asleep just waiting for them to go to bed. I may have scarred them for life with visions of mom and dad studying Kama Sutra, but hey, IT WORKED!

It Freaking Worked!!!!!!! 



17 comments:

  1. Okay, this next bit needs to be written out in it's entirety..." laughed my fucking ass off!

    This is what motherhood is all about, scarring the children for life...it is...isn't it?

    Hilarious post J.R. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Written in entirety is a compliment. Thank you Lily!
      Everyday I scar them a little bit more.But hey, I'm a mom, I kiss their boo boos after scarring them. :)

      Delete
  2. WIPING AWAY TEARS OF LAUGHTER AND TRYING TO HOLD MY BLADDER. AWESOME! I so can't wait to use this tactic in a few years...mind if I borrow your text?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Borrow away! Hope you made it to the restroom. Holding your bladder can give you an awful UTI. ;)

      Tears of laughter........Awesome!

      Delete
  3. Gawd, J.R!!! You have scarred them and rightfully so! I only had boys, but I used the same tactic. They used to scream "my eyes, my eyes!!!" But it does work. LOL A good visual of dad's white ass and mom's feet in the air works every time.
    Loved this post. Are they making eye contact with you yet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The eye contact is there, along with the eye rolling.
      Although now they think every time the door is shut, it means we are 'doin it'- In My Husbands dreams! Ha Ha

      Delete
  4. i found your blog through the pimp my blog. your writing is great and funny. i have a 13 year old girl and jesus, she questions everything. she has a memory like a steel trap for everything i have ever said to her. and she refers back to it during a discussion. she's like a lawyer

    i would love for you to visit my blog and follow if you like it

    http://www.blackinkpaperie.blogspot.com

    thanks
    new follower bev

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for following. I will check out your blog. :)

      Your 13 year old sounds exactly like mine. All that arguing better come in handy one day for them.

      Delete
  5. So freaking funny. This is the best thing I've read all day. Thanks for the laugh, friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad I made you laugh. Laughter seriously makes my day. The more of it, the better.
      Anytime Stephanie ;)

      Delete
  6. Gem ma's GirlJune 28, 2012 at 5:04 PM

    Mema and PaPa!!!!! Sweet Jesus take me now!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was the ultimate mental scarring for them! ;) HA HA

      Delete
  7. Sadly, I have no reason to close my door these days, but you are so freakin' funny! Maybe put the nail polish remover in their room...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup- I actually went to Target and bought them each their own bottle, not to mention their own bag of cotton balls. ;)

      Delete
  8. Holy shit - I almost peed myself, this is so funny! I agree with CYW; the nail polish remover goes in their room! LOL
    Brialliant tactic. I'm gonna use this when needed. My oldest argues too. I swear the kid's gonna be a lawyer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People holding their bladders, almost losing their bladders, wiping away tears of laughter.I need to write about my child scarring / semi sexual exploits more often. Ha Ha

      All of these arguing teens had better make something of their lives. Leave us alone, and start arguing with someone else. Preferably while making money at it.

      Delete
  9. Things are not REALLY lost until Mom can't find it.

    ReplyDelete

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