Saturday, January 5, 2013

I Don't See Nothing Wrong With a Little Bump-N-Grind

Hey Ladies, you know that Double Edged Sword known as the "Husband Massage"? You know, where the husband actually surprises you by offering up his massage skills, only to have the massage sabotaged by his penis. Somehow his thumbs are tired after 5.6 seconds of rubbing, but by golly Mr.Penis looks as though he just drank 10 Red Bulls!

Let me explain it:

Wife: Gosh, my back and neck really have been hurting lately. I mean, really sore. I sure wish I could get a massage!

Husband: Then go get one. 

Wife: We don't have the money right now. Also, I am pretty traumatized from the last massage I got which I have now dubbed " The worst massage EVER because I was holding in a Fart the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME" Dam my gassy stomach and irritable bowel syndrome!!!! I just wish you would give me a massage. Like a real massage! Like the one you gave me when we were first dating. Oil, tranquil music, full 50 minute massage. Wow those were the good ol' days!! Hint Hint

Husband: O.K. you are right! You deserve one. Tonight we will relive the 'good ol' days as you like to call them, and I will give you a real massage. 

Wife: A real one! No whining that your hands are tired, but YOU aren't too tired if 'you catch my drift'??!!??

Husband: Yes, a real massage. Promise! 

Fast Forward to Tonight

Kids in bed   -   check
Lights dimmed - check
One excited, ready to relax wife - double check

Wife: Hey babe, just turn on one of the cable music channels on the t.v. Find some mellow music.

Husband: Good idea.

Mellow music - check

I will give it to my husband. He was doing fantastic. AWESOME in fact. His hands were workin their magic. He rubbed, kneaded, circled, and touched all my sore areas. He was focused. His hands were working, and his penis was not distracting him..........

Remember the mellow music playing from the cable t.v. music channels?

Well I was not paying 100% attention to what music was accompanying my massage. There was an old school Whitney Houston song, a Boyz to Men number, and some Mariah Carey. 

But then this
With lyrics like these, let's just hope he has suddenly gone deaf! FOCUS!

[Chorus: repeat 4x]

I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind

See I know just what you want and I know just what you need girl
So baby bring your body to me (bring your body here)
I'm not fooling around with you baby
My love is true (with you) with you is where I want to be, girl see
you need someone someone like me to satisfy your every needs

How does it all end you ask?

Well my 50 minute massage was actually interrupted by a little monster; No, not his Bump-n-Grind Penis!

A knock, knock, knock at our door. A six year old little monster, a.k.a. our daughter, had a bad dream.

Husbands internal secret thought: 
DAMMIT!!!! F*CK, SH*T, DAMMITTT!!!!!I think I almost had her into wanting some of my 'Bump -N- Grind' action!!! DAM KIDS!!!

Wife's internal secret thought:
DAMMIT, my 50 minute massage got cut short at 28 minutes! He owes me 22 minutes. Oh well, at least we were interrupted before he started Bumpin and Grindin, instead of Kneadin-n-Massagin...........


  1. Hahaha! I thought for a moment, that this post was going to get all x-rated. Hilarious!

    Well at least you've still got 22 minutes coming your way...and yes, I do still mean the massage.

    1. It could have turned x-rated, but six year olds with nightmares can put an end to that. ;)

  2. HAHAHAHAHA! I love it!!! I especially love the drawing! Omg.. If we parents got paid for the interrupted moments we'd all be millionaires.. Okay, maybe not millionaires but pretty damn close, close to enough to pay for a real professional massage anyway! ;) - Great post!

    1. You are right! We would probably be ZILLIONAIRES!
      Thanks Mimi!

  3. Get those 22 minutes!
    I gotta say that I'm impressed that he gave you 28 minutes without making a move on you. That's got to be a record somewhere!

    1. Oh Tina, I will get them. Someway, somehow. I will get what is mine. Ha Ha!


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