Friday, July 13, 2012

One of my best friends and her husband tried to kill me!!!

I am pretty much a small framed woman. Genes, high metabolism, whatever. But do not.......I repeat, DO NOT JUDGE ME BY THAT!!!! DO NOT BE ENVIOUS!!!!WHY????

I AM THE MOST OUT OF SHAPE HUMAN BEING YOU WILL EVER COME ACROSS and I proved it yesterday on a bike ride with my girlfriend, and her husband. All seriousness, it was the most humiliating experience ever.

Well, maybe not the most humiliating. But that is for a post to come.

The bike ride that proved to me that they are secretly plotting to kill me. I am not sure what they would get out of killing me. Can B.F.F.'s take insurance policies out on one another? I don't think so.
Maybe they thought it would be fun. Maybe my friend doesn't really like me, or enjoy my company as much as I thought she did. I have been fooled this whole time, thinking that she loved me. Thinking that her husband liked me.

I was wrong! Heart attack is what they had in store for me! Make it look like a 'natural death' was their plan!

It all started with mine and my husbands idea to call them and ask them if they'd like to meet us down at a local dive bar. Dive bar? YES! Best Cheeseburgers in town? DEFINITELY YES!

Too long of story, change of events, etc. to explain why my husband wound up NOT being able to go, and I wound up still talking my friend and her husband into going, but it happened.

Then I get a text from my friend saying:

Let's just ride our bikes down there. Then we don't have to worry about drinking and driving.


We have an extra beach cruiser for you. Just drive down to our house, and we will ride from here. That way you won't have to ride your bike up 2 hills on the way home. Just 1.
I live one street up the hill- I could shout to her from my house.

O.K. Sounds good!

What happens next is where the pre-meditated murder of a friend ALMOST happens!

We ride downhill to the bar.

We eat the most delicious, greasy, yummy burger, slathered in ortega chiles, cheese, and onions.
We dip our onion rings in ranch, put money in the juke box, and I drink 2 pear ciders.

We decide we are done for the night, that was fun, we should do it more often, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

This is when I start to see the evil glimmer in their eyes. The looks, the exchanges they give one another as we are putting on our sweatshirts and getting ready to ride back home in the beautiful, summer night air.

Flat ground at first, I am doing fine! This is kinda fun! Like being a teenager again. The breeze in my hair. Riding and laughing!

But slowly, my breathing starts to get a little heavy. Breathing turns into panting. The flat ground is starting to incline. What is happening to me? What is going on?

I am ........having.........a .......hard ..................................time..........................................Brea........thing...........................!!

You O.K. J.R.? - 
Did I just detect a hint of laughter in her voice?

Friends Husband:
J.R. you alright? Are you really having that hard of a time?- 
Is he laughing at me too?

Do you want to wait at the bottom of the hill, and we can ride our bikes home, and come back and get you?

OMG that would be pathetic!!! I can make it!!!!! - 
I think! Actually I think I am dying! Paranoia is setting in. They are plotting against me! 

Look at them up there! Ridiculing me! Acting supportive, but secretly high fiving at their almost success of my demise!

I have not had to ride up this hill since I was young,as I actually grew up in the house 3 doors down from them. But strange thing.........I don't think I have the energy I had when I was young! HOW IN THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Is this what Heaven Looks Like? Am I alive? Did my heart just pump out of my chest? What is my name? I need water!!!

The Red One is mine! Pretty and shiny! It is 5 years old! Barely ridden. I think I need to change that!
I officially am stepping into action!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE officially starts NOW!!!!

* I have an active mind. I grew up at the beach. Loved boogie boarding as a kid, running or riding my bike all over with my friends. As an adult, I have a competitive streak to me. I want to be good at whatever I try. We used to go to the desert, riding dirt bikes, until my husband crashed bad, and then so did I. I was on a girls ride, and went over my handle bars. Tore my rotator cuff. If I go bowling I want to be the best. If I play ladderball while camping, I want to be the best.
But being small framed my whole life, made me think I was a little more invincible to health issues.
Boy was I wrong!
I am almost 40 now!
I am not in my 20's anymore!
I cannot keep taking pride in the fact that I can 'eat whatever I want' and not really gain too much weight.
It really isn't 'cute' or 'funny' anymore!
This evening of cardiac arrest proved it to me!

Walks through the neighborhood, HERE I COME!
My life, my kids, and my health are too important!

But I will start after this weekend! We are going camping, and I just realized I bought pretty much every bit of junk food that you can imagine!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE starts next week! Promise!

Have a terrific, fun, wonderful, HEART HEALTHY weekend everybody!

* And to my friend and her hubby!
I'm watching you......
I've got my eyes on you.....
I've wised up...
Mmmmmm, Hmmmmmm! YUP!!


  1. I like your spin on things. I would have taken it as a sign from God that I needed to rest more.

    1. Actually Marianne.......I think I like YOUR spin on things! Rest it is! I've gotten this far. ;) Who needs to ride a bike?

  2. Hmmmm, a devious pair these two. Death by cycling, a cunning plan.

    1. First they got me a bit tipsy,and full of food, atleast I would have died buzzed. But if they were true friends, I would have been drunk off my ass, full of fine, expensive liquor!

      Ha Ha!

  3. This is so good. I mean I can visualize every step (wheel turn) of the way!! Oh god you are hilarious. Since I live down the street from you and your diabolical, psychopath friends make sure and call before your next "outing" and I will keep an eye out. Better yet, I will hoist the marathon flag and stand at the curb with a cup of water and a towel all the while shouting GO JR! GO JR! GO JR!

    1. I almost had to call you to come save me;)

  4. Sorry, JR- but I'm laughing my ass off!
    Have you recovered yet?
    My bike hasn't moved all year because it was blocked in by a load of furniture.
    As soon as it cools down, we ride. More fun in the winter around these parts!

    1. I think laughing my ass off is the only exercise suited for me. ;)
      I have recovered, but am now deciding on baby steps toward healthier decisions.
      After I eat the 2 for 1 candy bars I just bought at the grocery store last night!!


Reading is a wonderful thing......if you enjoy what you are reading
Writing is a wonderful thing.........if you enjoy what you are writing

I have fun writing this blog, and so I hope you have fun reading it.
Thank you,Thank you! Thank you very much!