He said WHAT? I'm a M.I.L.F.????

O.K. so I wrote about my daughter getting her heart broken by a nimrod. Although I had promised her that through my blogging life, I would never say that anyone broke her heart. So for the reputation of my daughter,she broke his heart, wink wink!!

So, J Man SUCKS!!
J Man is a little Dweeb!
J Man is a Bleeping, bleeper, bleep, Bleep, Bleeping BLeep! !!!!!

                                                                      

WOW!!!! I FEEL BETTER. Apologies for the potty mouth. This mouth just really needed to go potty on the matter.

J Man is someones son, so for that I will stop calling him names. But he broke her heart in between classes. Couldn't even wait until lunch. Really??!!??

And as her heart was breaking, the wall was starting to crumble.

The wall of secrets.

The little things she kept inside while she was dating him, 

but now she will admit.

He had a bit of a jealousy issue.

I already called that one, and was keeping my eye on it

He blamed us (my husband and I) for a lot of stuff.

a.k.a  - .

we are the ultimate Cock Blockers. Sorry buddy..... 3 daughters.......

You bet your ass we are blocking!

Sometimes his breath smelled.

Well, ummm, can't help you on that one. Buy your next boyfriend some gum!?

She was embarrassed by some of his outfits.

Unless you are dating a fashionable gay man,(which is a secret strange dream of mine) welcome to the male species. We spend our life embarrassed by some of their outfit choices, and trying to turn them into our very own paper dolls.

'Are you really going to wear shorts out to dinner?'

See!

But the number one secret......

The topper.......

The ice cream on the cake.....

The cherry on the sundae.....

"He said you were a M.I.L.F."

He WHAT!!???

"He said it a few times"

A M.I.L.F.??!!

"Yeah!"

Ummm, o.k.

"I said to him 'what if I said that about your dad'? So he stopped saying it....... Kinda"

WOW! YUCK!

I mean I know your brothers friends have said it to him before....... But I didn't think you girls had to hear it! I mean boys are always egging each other. But your boyfriend? Ewww!

Then I tried to think back to the times I was around J man. Were my pants to tight, was my cleavage showing? Did I open the door accidentally in my bra and underwear?? - the answer is 'NO' , I was just going down the list of possibilities.

Most of the time when I was around him, I was in sweatpants, slippers, jeans, whatever.

Most of the time I was picking them up from a movie at 10:00 p.m. I did not step foot out of the car.

Do I exude M.I.L.Fness from my eyeballs while looking into the rear view mirror asking him if I turn right or left to get into his neighborhood?

Did I exude M.I.L.Fness while standing on the front porch of his house, speaking to his parents to make sure they were going to be home the whole time that the kids were going to be 'studying'?

Did I exude M.I.L.Fness while my husband and I sat on the couch with Jman and my daughter, lecturing them on taking things slow, having respect for our daughter, and the rules of dating our daughter. Was I just super MILFy then??

Should I change my last name to Robinson?

Jman is gone!

Her heart has healed!

I am a M.I.L.F.!

GROSS!!!

* is it o.k. if there was a teeny, tiny, eensy, weensy, itty, bitty, super duper minuscule, ultra microscopic part of me that was a wee bit flattered?

NO? That is not o.k.?             

O.K. I take it back! 

Gross!

Disgusting!

Down right disrespectful!

HORRIBLE!

AWFUL!!

BLEH!

Good Riddance J Man!

Good RIDDANCE!!



* Originally the 'Bleeping Bleeps' were actual BAD words! But I had thought about it, and I have a son. I don't want any mom of a daughter calling him those names. 
Did I like Jman? NO
Did I approve of some of his actions? NO
Was he probably just being a typical teenage boy? Well, I guess.
So I turned the bad words into bleeps. Not because I don't cuss. But because I did not feel good cussing out a 16 year old boy. 
Now, if a boy ever lays a hand on my daughter, or is verbally abusive. 
IT IS ON!!!!!! 
No Censoring my feelings on that one!

I LOVE MARGARITAS

I am supposed to be getting ready for work

I dropped my daughter off at pre school and came back home

I am enjoying my empty quiet house

I am supposed to be heading into work

I don't want to go to work today

I want to bask in the glory of my quiet empty house

I want to play on my laptop,watch my DVR'd shows,read magazines,paint my nails, take a nap,play on laptop more,read a book, read some blogs, sit in my bed, eat Lays potato chips, have a bowl of ice cream for lunch, enjoy this dreary weather in my QUIET EMPTY HOUSE!

Did I mention I am in denial of having a job? Sometimes I do that. I have worked there for 11 years, I kinda make my own hours, as long as I don't take advantage. I want to take advantage today!

I should be getting into my car right now and heading in, but my butt won't move from my bed. 

This is a random post! I just felt like typing something before I headed into work.

The work I don't want to head into.

Not because I hate it there.

Quite the opposite.

In fact I work with one of my Best Friends, and I actually enjoy my job!

But sometimes motivation steps away, and the need for a 'LAZY ASS ME TIME' day comes a knockin on my door!

Oh...

Why did I title it I Love Margaritas?

Well, cuz I do

And that is what will keep me going today.

That will be my light at the end of the tunnel.

That is what I will focus on (well, I mean I will focus on work, but.. well.. you know) 

I will think of the well deserved Margarita that I will get to enjoy at the end of my workday.

I get off at 3 today, but it'll be 5 o'clock somewhere

I really don't want to go to work today

I really do love Margaritas

No matter what you are doing today,

Have a good one!

Don't ever say I'm not a fun mom! Would an un-fun mom do this?

The weather here in San Diego county is beautiful. Even in the winter, we are lucky. I'm not going to lie!


But we do get rain.
We have thunder.
We experience lightning.


When your daughter is on Spring Break, and has plans to go to the beach, but then those plans are thwarted by rain,

==Lots and LOTS of rain==

well what do you do? 

You give your daughter and her friend some ideas for a rainy day.

• Rent a movie
• Give each other makeovers
• Throw some rain ponchos on, and run up and down the street
• Bake something
• Uhhh, rent a movie

I get no response

I see blank stares

It is as if I have said "do some homework"

Oh well, I tried! I'm going to snuggle in my bed, while watching General Hospital and reading a book simultaneously. I love rainy days, especially on my days off.

Then I hear it........

The sound of a plan....

The sound of masterminding......

The sound of Imagination, driven by extreme boredom.....

I come out of my room to find this

l

Cover the stairs with blankets
Line the walls with pillows
Take the cushions off of the couch to pad the tile at the bottom
Grab a hamper
and
INSTANT AMUSEMENT!

What in the heck are you doing?

That is dangerous?

NO!

NO MORE!

"Moooommm!!! It's Fun!!!OH MY GOD MOM, You should try it!"

No Way!

No How!

Did I say 'No Way!No How!' ?
Was that me?
NO- 
that was un-fun mom
I am FUN mom!!

When you can't beat 'em
Join 'em








Oh, and after they got bored with their stair sliding idea,
they took one of mine


 

True Quotes


"Ummm, OMG, These ponchos don't match"
"This poncho hood is messing up my hair"
"Wait, let me look in the mirror first"
"Are we really gonna run around the neighborhood?What if we see someone we know?"
"Your poncho is cuter than mine"






*Sometimes it is fun to act like a kid.
Sometimes it is rewarding to be fun mom.
Sometimes I don't wanna beat 'em.
Sometimes I wanna join 'em.

Me is really smart! Ain't I? Just ask my BFF!

I am pretty lucky in the job department. I have worked for the same company for 11 years, and honestly other than wishing that I was rich and didn't have to work at all, this is the next best thing. (well, maybe the next, to next, to the next best thing. But still a great place to work!)

But one of my ABSOLUTE favorite reasons for loving my place of employment is that I actually get to work next to one of my best friends in the entire world. 

I met her when I started working there, and after we got over the hump of getting to know one another, we realized we were soulmates. 

In many ways we are different:

She doesn't take crap from anybody                    

I, on the other hand, take your crap, hold onto it for you, and tell you your crap smells like roses all the while smiling.I will nurture it, hug it, and keep it safe for you!

She does not get nervous in professional office situations. In fact she is calm and cool, and intelligence oozes out of her.

I on the other hand develop a horrible case of the nerves anytime we have important meetings with anyone other than our normal work crew! If my Immodium A-D doesn't take affect quick enough, the only thing that oozes out of me is diarrhea! 

On the other hand,she does get nervous in certain social situations. BBQ's, Parties, etc.

Social situations..........Pssshhhh, a breeze! Gimme a microphone, I'll even tell you some jokes!

When she gets drunk, you really can't tell.Other than a glassy eyed look, and a slight head roll and finger snapping attitude that decides to come out, she is never falling down drunk.

When I am drunk, you really CAN tell! I will just leave it at that......You really, REALLY can tell! 
REALLY, REALLY can tell!!!!! 

She has curly hair

I have straight hair 

(figured I'd throw that in there)

In alot of ways we are the same:

She can spot a bargain from 10 miles away. 

I can spot a bargain from 9.9 miles away.

(hey, close enough)

She has a buttload of kids

I have a buttload of kids

She grew up in our town

I grew up in our town

(I am a few years older than her, we went to competing high schools, but did not actually know one another when we were young)

She has stomach issues

I have stomach issues

(this alone made us soulmates.When you go to a Quickbooks class with a new co-worker, then ask for the bathroom key, and don't come back until 2 hours later. ...... well there is no room for embarrassment. You just gotta put it out there! "O.K. I get diarrhea ...... I mean ALOT"  When you hear back an "Oh my god, I have stomach issues too!" Well a friendship is formed for life!!)

We have the EXACT SAME TASTE IN FOOD

We have the EXACT SAME TASTE IN FOOD

She will tell a story, and I will know exactly where she is going with it

I will tell a story and she will know exactly where I am going with it

(in fact, we will keep a story going, embellishing it, making it more humorous and adding to one another's 'stories' to keep it all going)

I love to text her. Sometimes it is easier than a phone call. Stories, sentences, one liners, jokes, or just a stupid emoticon (like the piece of poop emoticon on the iphone. Immature? Yes. Funny? Yes)
She loves to text me. She understands it is easier than a phone call. 
(Sometimes we text each other until one of our husbands has to put the brakes on it, accusing us of sitting on our butts, laughing out loud to our phones, and forgetting we have dinner on the stove)
'Ooops, sorry honey! Just texting D.'
'Why don't you just call her. Or better yet, go down to her house, she just lives down the street?'
'Because I wanted to hang out with you tonight Babe! But hold on, let me text her back one more thing' "LOL       LOL         LOL      OMG           LOL       Husband getting cranky! I'll see you tomorrow at work! Bleh, can he be any moodier! Whahhh, Whahhh!! I burned the biscuits! 
Call a WAA-MBULANCE! LOL!! LOL!! Gotta go!"
'What are you laughing at over there?'
'Nothing honey! O.K. I turned my phone off. Now where were we pookie........'

Our differences are very different.

But our similarities are extremely similar.

So it was no surprise today when we were both at our desks

Checking our emails

Getting updated on our tasks for the day

Going over contracts, websites, paperwork

Filtering out stuff in our inbox

and

NOURISHING OUR BRAIN

to it's fullest potential.

We both believe that being smart is important.

How do we do this you ask?

Read books?

Study current events?

Attend classes at our local college?

No, we eat smart!

As I was chomping down on this

Smart Popcorn! I can feel the intelligence growing inside me.I won't be able to contain it!

She was guzzling this down

The bottle is almost empty. Somebody, QUICK,!Call 9-1-1, her brain is about to explode with Smarts!!!

Oh, and one more thing that we have in common.....
the way we think


As soon as it was pointed out that we were both consuming brainiac snacks, what did we do?


We both grabbed our phones out of our purses and took a picture......


all the while laughing, because we had realized we both grabbed our phones.


So now we were laughing at the Smart Food
We were laughing at our phones
We were laughing because we were laughing
And then
We laughed some more!






Soulmates!

A Broken Hand is NO GOOD FOR A BLOGGER!!

You cannot type with a broken hand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, I can only imagine how hard it would be to type with a broken hand..............

I mean.......

Oh, do you think I am talking about myself? Do you think that is where I have been?

Sorry to mislead you.

I didn't break my hand!

I was just saying, wondering

Thinking out loud!

Got your attention though!

Where have I been?

No good excuses, really..... I wish I had some terrific, funny, outrageous story. But, sadly, I don't.

Here is a quick re-cap of my last few weeks, in pictures!

I will be back with a vengeance! I have so many blogs in my head, that the fire department is getting ready to be called due to my brain reaching it's maximum occupancy limit. There is an unsafe number of words piling into this little head! It is against the city ordinance! Some of these thoughts are going to have to leave, or there could be a riot! No one wants a riot coming out of this mind! Believe me!

First of all WORK. VERY BUSY right now.

No, I don't work for a chicken tender/corn dog taste testing company. Geez!
I just really wanted junk this day!
That little dish with the fork sticking out? Those are green beans to go with my corn dog and chicken tenders.
See? Healthy, Right?

Second of all......Family Stuff! Broken hearted daughter, Easter, just stuff!

When your daughter comes home with a broken heart because some little nimrod stomped on it, well you make her homemade Frappuccino's, and Ruffles chips for dinner.
And you just listen
And you share your heartbreaks
And then you get a bad stomachache, because Ruffles and Frappuccino's don't agree with you.
Then you listen, hug, and listen some more.

Our counter top on Easter! No joke, this was exactly sitting like this when I walked through. Had to take a picture.
It's like the circle of life, but in drink form.
All that was missing was an Ensure at the end!

Third of all.......... More life stuff. 

A.K.A. Spring Cleaning!

This hamper?
It was full and overflowing.
The laundry fairy was taking a break.
Well, she came and visited.

No matter what...
Even if my life depended on it....
I can never keep a clean purse!
But I did clean it one day, because my daughters begged me to.
They are sick of standing in stores with me while I dig through it for something.

Lastly...........Just spending time with my family. Fun stuff, boring stuff, but still time with them.

'Caviar Nails'
My daughter got the idea off of Pinterest.
I have been doing this to both daughters non stop, as the beads only seem to last a day,
then they want me to do it again.

Easter Present from my son.He has been disappointing me a bit lately in the  'responsible young man' department, but when he walked in on Easter morning with this...
Let's just say 'TEARS'
The original old school Game Boy with Tetris.He knows I have been wanting one, just like the one I had in High School
Just like the one I played during my whole entire pregnancy with him.
They are either hard to come by, too expensive, or broken
He found a working one, with games, at a thrift store. Used his own money, and thought of me.
I had to hold off on the responsibility, 'what are you gonna do after you graduate' lecture for the weekend!

Ahhhhh, Yes!!!
 Our new passion!
Our new addiction!
KARAOKE!!!!!
It was supposed to be for our five year old daughter who starts singing lessons on Monday.
My family bought it for her.
She has been able to use it twice!
Why?
Because hubby and I need to brush up on our rendition of
Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne
"If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged....."
This picture was taken the SECOND I walked in from work. Hubby had been practicing, and told me to put my bag down, and get over there.
He had thought of our perfect duet.............
"Uhhhh, Can I go pee first?"
"NOPE! Get over here and sing with me!"
"What song?"
"Close my eyes forever"
"OHHHH, I always loved that song. Peeing can wait!"

And the rest is Karaoke History........
We are already planning our Summertime Karaoke Bash!

Suzy the Meth Head gets a second chance at life. Thanks to my lack of blogging time.

I basically closed my eyes, scrolled down some old posts, and chose one to re-post.

Why?

I have been SUPER busy the past few weeks. Work, kids, husband, family. Birthday parties, and BBQ's on the weekends. Kid stuff on the weeknights.
A 5 year old who told me I wasn't coloring with her enough anymore. Ugghh, can my heart break anymore?
A 13 year old who just wants to talk at night.
A 15 year old who is mending a broken heart.
An 18 year old consuming my mind, because he is not making the wisest choices in his Senior Year. 2 1/2 more months to go kid, come the hell on!!
A husband who wants some 'alone time' with his wife.

Anyway, I just chose a random old post (from when my blog was still set to private, and I was just writing for myself) I wrote this on 8/3/2011.

I have a couple new posts in the works. And I will put some time aside for myself this weekend while my husband is in his fishing tournament. Crossin  my fingers he wins. Extra money around tax time is a bonus!

ENJOY...................

Suzy- Is she a meth head or a homemaker? Fact or Fiction?

So I was going to start blogging everyday! Hmmmm, what happened? LIFE happened. Oh, and also the fact that I am a lazy, procrastinator. (Slightly kidding)


I want to become a writer. I dream of it. I read books all the time, and as I'm reading, as I get sucked into the characters lives, and can think of nothing else but what is going to happen at the next page turn, somehow, my brain also thinks deeper. Deeper into how the author thought of these characters. Did the author have to research cancer, because in her book one of the main characters is dying from it? Did the author actually travel to the town of 'Beachport' to locate every convenience store, diner, used car lot, and hair salon, so that her scenic descriptions were true and correct? Or does the author just take people, places, personalities, situations, towns, and lives from her very own life and somehow twist, mold and shape it into 'fictional' characters?
I love to write- but I am having a hard time writing fiction. Because every person I start to write about turns into me. Or some element of me. Sometimes funnier than me, more outlandish than me. Stronger than me,a bad girl version of me. She may even be a meth head prostitute,( the complete opposite of me, I promise) but somehow if "Suzy" the meth head decides she is hungry, and I write about her stopping off at a McDonalds to buy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and  a large Dr. Pepper,but McDonalds won't take her coupon because it expired in 2010, and we are now in 2011, but how was poor Suzy to know. I mean her purse is a mess, with all of the receipts, gum wrappers, post it notes, grocery lists, and just plain junk, so she begs the guy at the drive thru to take it, because she only has three dollars, her ATM card is MIA, and her daughter is in the car seat crying. Not to mention she is late to pick up her other kids from school (and if she is late to get them, even by 30 seconds, the texts start coming, and they come FULL FORCE. "Mooommm, are you coming? Where are you? OMG!! ") And Suzy is just so hungry, and all she wanted was to treat herself to a Quarter Pounder, sit in her car, scarf it down, then go home and start doing laundry and helping with homework. Well folks,I've just incorporated myself into Meth Head Suzy.I love, love, love Quarter Pounders, I have definitely dealt with the embarrassment of handing over an expired coupon to a clerk, just because I was trying to rid my purse of the heap of trash, consuming its every pocket, one mangled coupon at a time.About my purse, Oh good lord, you should see my purse. I just won a game at a baby shower where you had to go down a checklist of miscellaneous items, and you got so many points if you could prove you had all of these items in your purse. Not only did I win, but I actually won the bonus points for the "extreme item" I mean who does not have their daughters baby teeth in a ziploc bag at the bottom of their Louis Vuitton? I was on my way to run upstairs and hide them, but my daughter came out of her room, so I panicked and stuffed them in my purse. Just having a busy week, not enough time in the day to take them out and put them away.
Wow, I have really gone off subject. The point is, I even found a way of turning Suzy Meth Head into Suzy Homemaker. So it starts off one way, but all in all, it's me!! I have a busy life, and it makes for some GREAT stories. So I am starting to second guess my life choice of wanting to be a writer.
Stand Up Comedian specializing in the tales of my life! THAT'S IT!! That may be my new venture. Now to just get over this increasing daily anxiety that is starting to plague my every move. I would definitely have to be drugged up with some perfectly legal prescription pills before I could get my butt up on a stage.
Oooooh. Kkkkk. So maybe stand up won't be my thing. Back to writing.......let the creative juices start flowin! Wish me luck ;)   Oh, one more thing, I do not,nor have I ever owned a Louis Vuitton. Suzy the Meth head might have gotten one as a present from her pimp, but I don't have one. This Mama's way, way to thrifty for that.

When all else fails, fill em up with booze!

So one of my best friends had decided months ago that she was going to try her hand in home sales. Skincare to be exact. She knows how I feel about home sales. The feeling is not a positive one. Years ago I tried my hand in selling Mary Kay cosmetics.I was coerced! I will just leave it at that.

Well, actually I will leave it at this-

I bought stock to have on hand, because they told me to

They also told me I was going to have a pink car someday.

I had 2 parties.

I did not sell enough to get a car.

I was left with $1,500.00 worth of 'stock'.

It was not easy to get my money back.

In fact I never got my money back.

So yes, Home Sales has left a bad taste in my mouth. 

Real bad........

Like rotten sour cream, mixed with ca ca doo doo bad!

But.........

Because I am a supportive friend, I tried her product.

I am NOT a product person. 

I wash my face with whatever is around.

Sometimes splurging on Olay face wash for $8.99 a bottle, and Olay moisturizer for $7.99

I tried her product, liked it, and agreed to support her by hostessing a party.

This product is a bit pricey, but it really can sell itself.

Plus everyone who knows me well, knows that I won't hostess one of these parties unless I truly like something. So that was a selling point right there!

So I told my BFF that I would invite everyone I know, and if they come, they come. I can't guarantee anything.

But I did have a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.

WINE!!!!!

Who in the hell is drinking water?
Get those people out of here. We only want wine drinkers with credit cards.
This is only one counter. There was another counter with a couple more bottles.

And when wine isn't making them whip out their cash, checkbooks, or credit cards fast enough.

I pull out the big guns. 

Anything for a friend.

You know, being supportive and all..........

What? What do you mean you think you can't afford the whole anti-aging kit right now.
Oh, your husband would kill you if you purchase anything?
Oh my gosh, I totally understand.
Here, come have a shot with me.
Oh, and did I mention this skincare line really works wonders.
Oh yeah!
Here, another shot.
Oh my goodness, I can see your skin glowing already just from the demonstration sample they gave you.
Here, have another.......

From across the room, I see my best friend.

I give her a wink and a smile. As if to say

I got your back girl. I will get your business up -n- running in no time! 

* Party was a success. Shots were actually not needed.

Wine did the trick. 

She got a couple of good orders.

I was a supportive friend.

I have taken care of my hostessing duties for the year.

I gave my friend a little help in her early stages of what will hopefully be a successful career for her. Just because it didn't work for me, does not mean it won't work for her.

For as long as there are BevMo's, Liquor stores, or Backwoods Moonshine (depending on where you live)

There will always be intoxicated impulse purchasing.
And that, my friends, is my approach to marketing.

Hmmmm, maybe I should bring that up at our next meeting at work.

Me: "I have an idea for our marketing department"

Boss: "O.K. Let's hear it"

Who ate my last avocado? DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE AVOCADO's !!!!

If we make any sort of Mexican food, whether it is bean and cheese burritos, carne asada, pollo asada, enchiladas, quesadillas, nachos, anything at all, I must have avocado!! 

It is not complete without avocado or guacamole.

Avocados are expensive! 

(believe me, I have to hear about it from my husband) 

Sometimes they are on sale.

YAY!!!

Sometimes they are $2.59.... EACH!

BLEH!!

But if we are having anything to eat where an avocado would fit in, I cannot eat without having an avocado.

Scene from Saturday afternoon

Husband

"Hey babe, I'm gonna stop off at Primo Market and pick up some Pollo and Carne to BBQ tonight. Do we need anything besides tortillas and cheese?"

Me

"Umm, let me check. O.K. we have sour cream, we have all the stuff to make Pico de Gallo. Oh, let me check the basket.......O.K., yes I have an avocado. We are all set"

Husband 

"O.K. See you in a few"

M comes home from the store, does some stuff around the yard. I diddle daddle around the house, putting laundry away, finishing up a book, cleaning out my purse. Lazy Saturday stuff. 

My daughters have been pretty self contained all day as well. Making their own lunch, planning their evening, which mostly consists of a bonfire at the beach with friends.

I am relaxing in my room, hubby is getting ready to start the BBQ, figuring we would have an early dinner. 

All is good

Until............

The attack of the teen daughters......

"Hey mom, can we make a face mask out of kitchen stuff?"

"Like what kitchen stuff?"

"I don't know, egg, mayonnaise, olive oil. I don't know. We are just bored, and want to do something."

"Well, I am dropping you off at the bonfire tonight"

"I know, but that's not til later"

"Whatever, fine, I'm almost at the end of my book, and it is sad....leave me alone for like two minutes.... do whatever!"

"o.k." 

in unison, and they run downstairs

15 minutes later

a knock on my door

K, my 13 year old

Standing at my door with a bowl in her hand.

"Mom, can you help me put this on my face? I already put it on B's face, but if you stand up it drips down, so now she can't get up to help me put it on my face."

Me

"What? Put what on your face?"

K

"The face mask. We asked you! Remember? You never pay attention when you are blogging or reading, or whatever it is you do"

Me

"Oh, yeah! The egg mask! Go wait for me in B's room, I'll be there in a minute"

What happens next can only be described as a horrendous display of disrespect. Exhibited by my awful, horrible, no good teen daughters.
They committed the ultimate crime! Their actions almost sent me over the edge. The kind of edge where CPS needs to be called out. Because I am sure that is what the neighbors would have done, had  my windows been open, and they heard the screams of anger coming from my now raw and red throat.

"WHAT?
WHY IS HER FACE GREEN?

WHAT IS THAT IN THE BOWL?

DID YOU......

YOU DIDN'T......

YOU COULDN'T HAVE.......

YOU KNOW BETTER......

DID YOU USE MY LAST AVOCADO????"

"Uhh, yeah mom! For the face mask! It's to help make our skin soft."

"You are fifteen and thirteen years old. You are practically babies. Practically Babies, with practically baby soft skin"

"But we asked you....Remember? See, you never pay attention!"

"I am a mom, with wrinkles growing by the minute! If anyone needs an avocado, it's me. And I need it in my stomach! 

NOT ON YOUR FACE!

And I do pay attention!!"

*Sometimes*

"Sorry mom..............but can you still help put it on my face??"

AHA!! I have an idea!

"Yes, Yes my little darlings! I will. Lay down.

Ahh, does that feel too cold? 

Sorry my little princesses.

There. There you go. All spread. Cheers to your baby soft skin."

Mwaaaahhuuuhaaaa Mwaaaa Haaaa Haaa

Evil laugh as I grab my camera.

And this my friends is what happens when you make guacamole with my last avocado..
and proceed to spread it on YOUR FACE!!!
I take pictures






*This post is dedicated to my teenage girls. Love you both, and your beautiful, smooth, soft, satiny skin.
Mama loves you!
And I do pay attention
Most of the time ;)

Hey Mom, can we make SLUTTY brownies?

K, 13 year old daughter: "Hey mom, can we make slutty brownies?"

Me: "What?"

K: "S L U H- T E E Brownies"

Me: "Oh, Ooooo Kkkkkk. What are SLUTTY Brownies? Do they get all the boys?"  I laugh alone....

K: "My friend Syd made them this weekend. She said they are soooooooo good. Easy, and 'filthy', that is why they are called slutty brownies"

Me: "I hate the word Slut. I mean just because a woman has sex with a few guys, they get called sluts. A man on the other hand, they are STUDS!! Such double standards in this world!"

K: "Ooooo Kkkkk, well, can you get the ingredients so I can make them, orrrrrr......"

Me: "What are the ingredients? And back to the slut thing....... I mean, there are girls that are probably too promiscuous, but guys?? I mean they don't get any of the backlash. Not that it is o.k. to be a slut, I mean I never want you to be a slut, but...........if after you are a grown woman, you decide to...... well........ Just always be strong, confident, don't ever let ANYONE, man or woman, make you feel less than! You understand me?? Woman are powerful beings, and we need to overcome the stereotypes of the world, and furthermore............."

K: "Ummmm, you are a spaz mom! Seriously! Here, come over here to my laptop, here is the picture of the brownies"

Me: "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! Those look sooooooooooooo good! Print out what we need!" - I totally forget about any sort of lecture, speech, or mommy-isms. I just want these baked, and in my tummy,NOW!

K: "Are you going to the store now?"

Me: "YES! I have a sweet tooth, and those will do just fine!"

K: "Awesome"

This recipe is all over the internet. I just typed in Slutty Brownies. Not only does the recipe appear on Blogs, Pinterest, and other random sites, it actually comes up on the Duncan Hines website. I wonder how Mr. Duncan, or Mr. Hines feels about that. If for some reason a prudish person complains, they could call it:

People Pleaser Brownies

I mean isn't that what a slut really is?

A People Pleaser?

Nothin wrong with that 

As long as she isn't barkin up my hubby's tree. Oh, and as long as my daughters don't turn out to be "People Pleasers", well I mean keep it to a minimum level......after you are in your twenties.........and you are safe about it............ nothing where a notepad is needed to keep names straight........... I mean......ugghh, double standards are tough to ignore....... 

JUST STAY VIRGINS FOREVER!!!! Don't Please ANYBODY!!

Anyway.......back to my podium speech

For if there were no "People Pleasers",

there may not have been this recipe.

So thank you 'People Pleasers'

Thank you from the bottom of my sweet toothed little heart!
You have inspired a recipe, for which millions of amateur bakers give thanks!

This one's for you

*I really did make these this weekend. Seriously soooooo flipping YUMMY!! And yes, SOOOOOOO EASY!!!!! EASY, and it will certainly 'please' any sweet tooth you may have.

Try 'em out.

I put a scoop of vanilla ice cream and drizzled some hot fudge over them. 

Of course I paid with a bit of a tummy ache the next morning, but hey, so worth it! 

Next week we are making Skanky Ho appetizers, and Whore Soup. 

Or, their new given name

Appetite for Love appetizers & Spreading Some Joy Soup.

Fairy Gardens,Frolics, and No More Farts (For Now)

If you are here from Pinterest, Welcome! I am a humor blog writer, mostly writing about the shenanigans that go on in my household, but sometimes I show my crafty side. Hence the Fairy Garden.

Stick around! You came for a Fairy Garden, but you can leave with a smile. 

I wrote a post about all of the fart talk that goes on in my household. It is still going on, but I am not going to write about it (not for today at least)

Fridays are my day off, time I spend with my five year old when she is not in Pre-School, I am not at work, the older ones are in school, and M is usually at work.  I wanted to to something fun with her! Creative, Crafty, Neat, Girly, all of the above!

Now I do not, nor will I ever have a Green Thumb! It is just not in me. I have tried, believe me I have tried. In my old house, I would get little gardening jolts, run off to Home Depot,and come home with a flat of ground cover, flowers, or green stuff with pretty colors.

I have absolutely ZERO knowledge or understanding of soil, seasons, or seeds!

My house now, thanks to my husband, has a more tropical landscape going on. Palm Trees, Palm Trees, Palm Trees.  He has the Green Thumb. We compost our trash, he knows all of the scientific names for the trees, and the more everything grows, the more we feel as though we are surrounded by a lush, green paradise.

So back to creative time with Ki! While I do love our Hawaiian themed yard, I do love the whole cottage, flower look as well. But I know our garden will never look like that.After a few pictures I saw online, and some inspiration from my cousins adorable house in San Diego, where she created a little Unicorn Garden in one of the tree stumps in her yard, I thought of a plan.

~A Fairy Garden~

My husband told me I could use some of his precious compost, his precious wine barrel (that was set to hold a new palm tree probably) , and his precious advice!

I will use the compost

I will use the wine barrel

Advice??

I can do this on my own buddy, thank you very much!!

So I waited for him to leave, went to Lowe's, went to the craft store, picked through some supplies we are already had on hand. Pulled out my IMAGINATION, and we were ready.

I used a dolly, I shoveled, I scooped out compost, I was J.R. the Gardener!

With my little sidekick, Ki!

It was calming, therapeutic, and honestly just plain FUN!

Here is what we created

-The Beginning-
I shoveled all that dirt
I deserve a Golden Shovel Award



KEEP SCROLLING DOWN

Work in Progress. 

Fairy Garden Final Product

The blue rocks were left over from an old fish tank.

The little bridge was from one of her Littlest Pet Shop toys.

The sitting fairy, and blue mushroom came with houseplants my hubby picked up at a garage sale.

The sun had broken off of a sensor nightlight we had in her room.

The mini tiles leading up to the bridge, were from a tile sample kit. My husband picked that up for me at a garage sale, because I had wanted to try mosaic tiling.

The silver star wands were left over from a princess party for my daughter.

The house, moss,white gate and tiny wheelbarrow next to house were from the craft store. Ki painted it all by herself. 

The little white birds by the mushroom. Those I hot glued to wire, wrapped the wire around a popsicle stick, stuck it in the soil. then bent the wires to make them look like they were flying. 

Plants from Lowe's Home Improvement store.

Blue glass candle holder had a broken base. I turned it upside down, then put another broken candle base on top of it.I will add a citronella candle there at night.

Baby tears ground cover back near fairy house. I just transplanted some of that from our front yard.

IMAGINATION supplied by Ki and myself!

Whimsical, Fun & Easy.

We check on it everyday, and add new things to it.

I just cleaned her room last week, and found a mini little chair, and an old teeny, tiny Tinkerbell figurine from an ornament. Those have been added as well. 

Ki sprinkles glitter over it every once in a while. 

In the midst of the Palm Trees, Fish Pond, and Plumerias we have our own little dreamy village.
A good book, a lounge chair, a wading pool and some sunshine. My backyard can take me away from all of the stress that my life can sometimes bring. 

*not to be cheesy, or lovey dovey. But I want to say 'thank you' to my husband. Thank you for creating the peaceful, tropical oasis that I have grown to love. It is a work in progress, but the work has been done solely by you! - well, and by C, on chore days!
Thank you also for letting our Fairies have a little corner of the Palm Tree Village. 

Also, aren't you proud of me? 

Nothing has died in the Fairy Garden..... YET.... Still Green... Still Living!

Farts, Farting, Fart!! What is a conversation without mentioning the 'F' word!

Farting and Pooping. Totally natural. Everybody does it.

In my house?

Not only is it natural, not only does everybody do it. EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT IT!! ALOT!

On any given morning, as my teen daughters are so perfectly applying their makeup, straightening their hair, and borrowing one another's clothes to create the most fashionable of outfits, the fart talk is running rampant.

"Can I borrow your black skirt? The one with the ......EWWW You just farted!"

"Yeah, the skirt is in my bottom drawer."

Covering Nose

"Whh drarew" - which drawer in face cover talk.

"The bottom drawer!! And don't act all disgusted. You stunk up the bathroom BAD yesterday!"

These are GIRLS people! SO all of you with BOYS, don't think it doesn't happen to the Girl only households. 

And by looking at my daughters, you would never know it. Meticulous with their beauty, Popular, even featured on the fashion pages of their yearbook!

Farts do not discriminate!! 

I think I may start a weekly post, dedicated to the fart and poop talk that goes on in my house. Like how "PooPoo on the Head" somehow turned into the theme song for when my husband gives our 5 year old daughter her shower. Don't ask, cause I don't have an answer. I think one day, he was getting ready to jump in the shower, so I told him to bring her, she didn't want to, he tried to make her laugh by saying. "We have to wash your hair. It smells like Poo Poo"  Giggles & Laughter followed.

They laugh together, she gets clean, doesn't freak out about washing her hair,and all is peaceful at shower time.

Well except hearing them all the way from downstairs. 

"Poo Poo on the head"

"Poo Poo on the head"

?

When she is in her twenties, in her apartment,

will she reminisce about Poo Poo on the Head?

As an adult who is able to curse, will she change it to 

"Shit on the Head"

"Shit on the Head"

?

Hope Not!

Her roommates may think she is demented.

Here is the conversation this morning as I was dropping my 13 year old daughter off at her Junior High.

K- "Oh MY GOD Mom, see that kid with the red backpack?"

Me- "Uhh, yeah!" -my brain going into hyperdrive- "WHAT?! Is he mean to you? Is he a bully?WHAT?"

K- "Mom, no! God! He is the one I was telling you about......the one that STINKS!"

Me- "Ohhhh, that one!"

K- "Yeah, he stinks so bad it distracts me in class!I sit right next to him!I don't want to ask to move, because I don't want him to feel bad! But he is making me feel bad!!!"

She is now gathering her folder, and purse. And getting ready to shut the door.

K- " He smells like ROTTEN ORANGE CHICKEN AND FARTS!"

Me-"??"

K- "Yeah, ROTTEN ORANGE CHICKEN AND FARTS. Bye Mom, I love you!"

Me- "Call me from the nurses office if you feel sick........"       DOOR SLAMS

I drive away thinking of Rotten Orange Chicken, and how I may never order that again from the Chinese Takeout.

Then my 5 year old pipes up from her booster seat

Ki- "Call me if you feel sick! That is funny! Cause the farts would make her sick, huh Mama!!!"

Me- "Huh?"

Ki- "You said to K 'call me if you feel sick from the farts' "

Me- "Oh, no baby, not from the Orange Farts" - I have now condensed the name of the fart "K had a bad headache this morning, so I was reminding her that if it gets worse to call me."

Ki- "Oh"

Heading back home,we start pointing out anything circular we see along the way. Her pre-school class is studying circles,and wants us to point out EVERYTHING, according to my daughter.

But the fart talk could not end.

Ki- "But Mommy! A fart could make K sick. It could make her sick, huh? It makes me feel sick sometimes. Like when you or daddy.......!"

Me- "O.K., o.k. enough fart talk"

Ki- "But, sometimes..."

Me-"Yes, I suppose an Orange Chicken Fart could make K want to puke. The thought is kinda making me want to puke!"

~We both laugh~

And that was my morning conversation

Circles and Farts

and Rotten Orange Chicken (whatever that smells like)

My household is 80 percent female, I can't even blame it on the boys. Farts are funny! Gross! But Funny!