"WE MAY BE MAKING LOVE!!!"- and this is how I traumatized my daughters

I am a hot commodity in this house!

Needed by the hubby-
"Babe, where is my hat with the black rim?"
"I don't know, you wore it last"
"But you find everything. You are just good like that"
"Yeah......You are right!.......It is on the top shelf of closet, under your work shirts, half a centimeter away from my jewelry box, facing North East"
"Thanks J.R.!"

Needed by the kids-
"Mom where is the nail polish remover
                               hair shine spray
                               blowdryer
                               construction paper
                               Hershey's syrup
                               my black Vans
                               my grey Converse
                               my black strapless bra
                               dental floss
                               box of tampons we just bought
                               MY BRAIN!!!!!!!

Ahhhhh, Yes! A mom is always needed!

But the thing is, with all of this constant needing, I have a bad case of 'Door Knocking, Kid Needing Anxiety Disorder' 

Symptoms include:

• Refusing to have sex with your husband at spontaneous times, or any time that you know the kids are awake, for fear of them needing you.
• If giving in to having spontaneous sex, or kids are awake kind of sex, you are unable to fully relax, because one eyeball is firmly planted on the bedroom door. 
• Trying to act relaxed, but all the while asking your husband, "are you sure you locked the door?" 
• Hearing a creak in the floorboards, and pushing your husband off of you saying "see, I knew this was a bad idea"
• Yelling to your kids "does anyone need anything out of my room?? I have diarrhea (wink, wink) and I want to be left alone for a while, so NO KNOCKING on my door" - that is how I prep the kids, and hope there will be no knocking! All the while, looking over at hubby whose nose is scrunched up, thinking he was going to get lucky, saying "you are joking right?Do you really have diarrhea right now?" 

My husband and I had a talk one day, because honestly the needing was getting out of hand! 

Anytime we would shut the door, it was cause for an automatic KNOCK! 

"Hey, babe, I need to talk with you about something serious. It is about B and one of her text messages."

"Oh, shut the door, let's talk!"

KNOCK-KNOCK

"Honey, will you shut the door? I want to go over Ki's Santa list with you."

KNOCK-KNOCK

OH MY GOD! SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!

WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT 4 YEAR OLDS!

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 15 AND 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS (and our 5 year old, but the teens are the worst)

"Girls, Giiiiiirrrrrrllllllssss! Upstairs for a family meeting! Pronto!!!!"

*I love family meetings! Feels so Brady Bunchy!

Eye rolls, annoyance, and huffing and puffing are what we are met with at our door.

"Girls, we asked you to come in here because we want to create a new house rule"

"What? Chores?"

"No, not chores. Although, good idea. More chores would be helpful. I'll get back to that one!"

"Great....Uggh"

"Anyway. The door knocking is getting out of hand!"

"Well, what else are we supposed to do? If we need something!"

"Not to mention, sometimes you don't even knock! You just walk in!"

"Because we know you are already in bed, or sleeping. We come in quietly!"

"If our door is shut! We may be busy.....Busy.....Busy, talking, discussing important stuff, changing, or maybe even having an argument. Leave us alone!"

"But, if we need the nail polish remover, what else are we supposed to do? I mean, you always put it under your sink and............"

-Husband interjects at this point-

"ARE YOU SERIOUS??? YOU WANT TO STAND HERE AND KEEP ARGUING WITH YOUR MOM? NO MORE DISCUSSION! IF THE DOOR IS OPEN, OR CRACKED,FINE, COME IN, WE HAVE AN OPEN DOOR POLICY. 

IF THE DOOR IS SHUT, LEAVE US ALONE!"

"But, I mean what if we..........."

-More arguing, so mom takes back her position in the conversation-

"OH MY GOD!!! Do you want me to spell it out for you? If the door is shut, we might be MAKING LOVE!!!!"

"Oh, God Mom, STOP!!! Don't say that!!!"

"Doing it! Having Sex! Freaky Freaky, Bumpin and Grindin!..........."

"STOP MOM!"

"We are married! We have sex! How do you think you all were made? How do you think I was made? Mema and Papa had sex"

"OH GOD, Not Mema and Papa! GOD PLEASE STOP!!!"

"Well, you two wanted to keep arguing! You deserve it!"

"We are leaving! I am never knocking on your door again"

"Me either, I am always afraid I am going to interrupt you or hear something gross. That is why I cough, and walk real loud when I get near your door"

"Well, if you think that, then leave us alone"

"I can't believe you guys do it when we are home! I thought you only did it when we were gone"- this was the comment of all comments, as there is always, at some point, atleast one kid home. So my daughter thinks we NEVER DO IT!

My husband was a little shocked that I just blurted it out, but I couldn't stand it anymore. His way just wasn't working. He believes that children deserve NO explanation. And while he is right, I live in the real world. I also live with these girls, and know their ways of thinking. They are arguers by nature. They need explanations. His explanation of "Well, we may be busy talking, so leave us alone" just wasn't working. 

The looks on their faces, and the trauma protruding from their core was actually getting to be quite satisfying. This was kinda fun.So I figured I'd give it one last hurrah as they gagged, and puked their way out of my room.

"Oh, and girls one more thing, just to make sure you have really soaked all of this in"

"Oh, god, what?!?!?!"

"Would you really want to walk in on us and have to see my feet up in the air, and your dads white  butt? Or better yet, me in a position that can only be described as ........

"OH GOD!!!!! I'M GONNA PUKE! YOU ARE AWFUL! STOP TALKING"

Honest to god, I feel so liberated! I feel free! It needed to be done, because it was getting out of hand. Especially in the summer time, as waiting for them to go to bed was not working. In the summer they stay up all night, we wind up falling asleep just waiting for them to go to bed. I may have scarred them for life with visions of mom and dad studying Kama Sutra, but hey, IT WORKED!

It Freaking Worked!!!!!!! 

Me is really smart! Ain't I? Just ask my BFF!

I am pretty lucky in the job department. I have worked for the same company for 11 years, and honestly other than wishing that I was rich and didn't have to work at all, this is the next best thing. (well, maybe the next, to next, to the next best thing. But still a great place to work!)

But one of my ABSOLUTE favorite reasons for loving my place of employment is that I actually get to work next to one of my best friends in the entire world. 

I met her when I started working there, and after we got over the hump of getting to know one another, we realized we were soulmates. 

In many ways we are different:

She doesn't take crap from anybody                    

I, on the other hand, take your crap, hold onto it for you, and tell you your crap smells like roses all the while smiling.I will nurture it, hug it, and keep it safe for you!

She does not get nervous in professional office situations. In fact she is calm and cool, and intelligence oozes out of her.

I on the other hand develop a horrible case of the nerves anytime we have important meetings with anyone other than our normal work crew! If my Immodium A-D doesn't take affect quick enough, the only thing that oozes out of me is diarrhea! 

On the other hand,she does get nervous in certain social situations. BBQ's, Parties, etc.

Social situations..........Pssshhhh, a breeze! Gimme a microphone, I'll even tell you some jokes!

When she gets drunk, you really can't tell.Other than a glassy eyed look, and a slight head roll and finger snapping attitude that decides to come out, she is never falling down drunk.

When I am drunk, you really CAN tell! I will just leave it at that......You really, REALLY can tell! 
REALLY, REALLY can tell!!!!! 

She has curly hair

I have straight hair 

(figured I'd throw that in there)

In alot of ways we are the same:

She can spot a bargain from 10 miles away. 

I can spot a bargain from 9.9 miles away.

(hey, close enough)

She has a buttload of kids

I have a buttload of kids

She grew up in our town

I grew up in our town

(I am a few years older than her, we went to competing high schools, but did not actually know one another when we were young)

She has stomach issues

I have stomach issues

(this alone made us soulmates.When you go to a Quickbooks class with a new co-worker, then ask for the bathroom key, and don't come back until 2 hours later. ...... well there is no room for embarrassment. You just gotta put it out there! "O.K. I get diarrhea ...... I mean ALOT"  When you hear back an "Oh my god, I have stomach issues too!" Well a friendship is formed for life!!)

We have the EXACT SAME TASTE IN FOOD

We have the EXACT SAME TASTE IN FOOD

She will tell a story, and I will know exactly where she is going with it

I will tell a story and she will know exactly where I am going with it

(in fact, we will keep a story going, embellishing it, making it more humorous and adding to one another's 'stories' to keep it all going)

I love to text her. Sometimes it is easier than a phone call. Stories, sentences, one liners, jokes, or just a stupid emoticon (like the piece of poop emoticon on the iphone. Immature? Yes. Funny? Yes)
She loves to text me. She understands it is easier than a phone call. 
(Sometimes we text each other until one of our husbands has to put the brakes on it, accusing us of sitting on our butts, laughing out loud to our phones, and forgetting we have dinner on the stove)
'Ooops, sorry honey! Just texting D.'
'Why don't you just call her. Or better yet, go down to her house, she just lives down the street?'
'Because I wanted to hang out with you tonight Babe! But hold on, let me text her back one more thing' "LOL       LOL         LOL      OMG           LOL       Husband getting cranky! I'll see you tomorrow at work! Bleh, can he be any moodier! Whahhh, Whahhh!! I burned the biscuits! 
Call a WAA-MBULANCE! LOL!! LOL!! Gotta go!"
'What are you laughing at over there?'
'Nothing honey! O.K. I turned my phone off. Now where were we pookie........'

Our differences are very different.

But our similarities are extremely similar.

So it was no surprise today when we were both at our desks

Checking our emails

Getting updated on our tasks for the day

Going over contracts, websites, paperwork

Filtering out stuff in our inbox

and

NOURISHING OUR BRAIN

to it's fullest potential.

We both believe that being smart is important.

How do we do this you ask?

Read books?

Study current events?

Attend classes at our local college?

No, we eat smart!

As I was chomping down on this

Smart Popcorn! I can feel the intelligence growing inside me.I won't be able to contain it!

She was guzzling this down

The bottle is almost empty. Somebody, QUICK,!Call 9-1-1, her brain is about to explode with Smarts!!!

Oh, and one more thing that we have in common.....
the way we think


As soon as it was pointed out that we were both consuming brainiac snacks, what did we do?


We both grabbed our phones out of our purses and took a picture......


all the while laughing, because we had realized we both grabbed our phones.


So now we were laughing at the Smart Food
We were laughing at our phones
We were laughing because we were laughing
And then
We laughed some more!






Soulmates!

Suzy the Meth Head gets a second chance at life. Thanks to my lack of blogging time.

I basically closed my eyes, scrolled down some old posts, and chose one to re-post.

Why?

I have been SUPER busy the past few weeks. Work, kids, husband, family. Birthday parties, and BBQ's on the weekends. Kid stuff on the weeknights.
A 5 year old who told me I wasn't coloring with her enough anymore. Ugghh, can my heart break anymore?
A 13 year old who just wants to talk at night.
A 15 year old who is mending a broken heart.
An 18 year old consuming my mind, because he is not making the wisest choices in his Senior Year. 2 1/2 more months to go kid, come the hell on!!
A husband who wants some 'alone time' with his wife.

Anyway, I just chose a random old post (from when my blog was still set to private, and I was just writing for myself) I wrote this on 8/3/2011.

I have a couple new posts in the works. And I will put some time aside for myself this weekend while my husband is in his fishing tournament. Crossin  my fingers he wins. Extra money around tax time is a bonus!

ENJOY...................

Suzy- Is she a meth head or a homemaker? Fact or Fiction?

So I was going to start blogging everyday! Hmmmm, what happened? LIFE happened. Oh, and also the fact that I am a lazy, procrastinator. (Slightly kidding)


I want to become a writer. I dream of it. I read books all the time, and as I'm reading, as I get sucked into the characters lives, and can think of nothing else but what is going to happen at the next page turn, somehow, my brain also thinks deeper. Deeper into how the author thought of these characters. Did the author have to research cancer, because in her book one of the main characters is dying from it? Did the author actually travel to the town of 'Beachport' to locate every convenience store, diner, used car lot, and hair salon, so that her scenic descriptions were true and correct? Or does the author just take people, places, personalities, situations, towns, and lives from her very own life and somehow twist, mold and shape it into 'fictional' characters?
I love to write- but I am having a hard time writing fiction. Because every person I start to write about turns into me. Or some element of me. Sometimes funnier than me, more outlandish than me. Stronger than me,a bad girl version of me. She may even be a meth head prostitute,( the complete opposite of me, I promise) but somehow if "Suzy" the meth head decides she is hungry, and I write about her stopping off at a McDonalds to buy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and  a large Dr. Pepper,but McDonalds won't take her coupon because it expired in 2010, and we are now in 2011, but how was poor Suzy to know. I mean her purse is a mess, with all of the receipts, gum wrappers, post it notes, grocery lists, and just plain junk, so she begs the guy at the drive thru to take it, because she only has three dollars, her ATM card is MIA, and her daughter is in the car seat crying. Not to mention she is late to pick up her other kids from school (and if she is late to get them, even by 30 seconds, the texts start coming, and they come FULL FORCE. "Mooommm, are you coming? Where are you? OMG!! ") And Suzy is just so hungry, and all she wanted was to treat herself to a Quarter Pounder, sit in her car, scarf it down, then go home and start doing laundry and helping with homework. Well folks,I've just incorporated myself into Meth Head Suzy.I love, love, love Quarter Pounders, I have definitely dealt with the embarrassment of handing over an expired coupon to a clerk, just because I was trying to rid my purse of the heap of trash, consuming its every pocket, one mangled coupon at a time.About my purse, Oh good lord, you should see my purse. I just won a game at a baby shower where you had to go down a checklist of miscellaneous items, and you got so many points if you could prove you had all of these items in your purse. Not only did I win, but I actually won the bonus points for the "extreme item" I mean who does not have their daughters baby teeth in a ziploc bag at the bottom of their Louis Vuitton? I was on my way to run upstairs and hide them, but my daughter came out of her room, so I panicked and stuffed them in my purse. Just having a busy week, not enough time in the day to take them out and put them away.
Wow, I have really gone off subject. The point is, I even found a way of turning Suzy Meth Head into Suzy Homemaker. So it starts off one way, but all in all, it's me!! I have a busy life, and it makes for some GREAT stories. So I am starting to second guess my life choice of wanting to be a writer.
Stand Up Comedian specializing in the tales of my life! THAT'S IT!! That may be my new venture. Now to just get over this increasing daily anxiety that is starting to plague my every move. I would definitely have to be drugged up with some perfectly legal prescription pills before I could get my butt up on a stage.
Oooooh. Kkkkk. So maybe stand up won't be my thing. Back to writing.......let the creative juices start flowin! Wish me luck ;)   Oh, one more thing, I do not,nor have I ever owned a Louis Vuitton. Suzy the Meth head might have gotten one as a present from her pimp, but I don't have one. This Mama's way, way to thrifty for that.

Quotes from my household and some Saturday Night Live memories

My 13 year old daughter: "For my 16th Birthday, will you take me to get a tattoo?"

Me: "ARE YOU SERIOUS? DID YOU JUST SERIOUSLY ASK ME THAT? I am a cool mom, but I am not that cool! ............Well, I am that cool, but not THAT, that cool!! Tattoos don't happen till after 18 years of age, in which you will do it without me knowing,and then not show me right away, just like I did to Mema and Papa!There is a certain order, and it does NOT begin at 16" 


My 13 year old daughter: "Soooo, No?"

In her dreams!
Shit!!
I have always told them to follow their dreams.
I'm screwed!

My 15 year old daughter: "Can I try your wedding dress on? Just for fun? I love your dress!"

Me: "Yeee, YES!! It'll be fun!"

My 15year old daughter: "Yeah, I want to wear your dress one day"

Me: "WOW, that is every mothers dream! You can even wear my earrings, and the diamond necklace"


My 15 year old daughter: "Or, I can just wear this necklace that Jacob gave me.Since I will be marrying him"

Me: "O.K. take the dress off, we are done! This isn't fun anymore!I thought we were playing dress up, you, on the other hand, thought you were planning your wedding to your 16 year old boyfriend! Playtime over, call me when you are 30" 


My 15 year old daughter: "I am going to marry him one day! I love him"

Me: "Yeah I was in love when I was 15. Come over to my laptop, let me sign onto my Facebook, and I will show you a picture of how my 15 year old LOVE turned out!"

My 15 year old daughter: "Ewww!! Yuck!!!"

Me: "Not a pretty sight huh?? That is why you will graduate high school,go to college (or not)  travel, have fun, be single, theeeennnnnn you will fall in love, get married, have kids and settle down! 27 year old you will thank 15 year old you for not marrying Jacob" 

See the necklace?
Should I ship her away to an all girls boarding school?
Better yet, let's just ship Jacob away. Do you think his parents will miss him??

My husband: "Babe, the laundry is getting a bit out of hand. I know you have been working more hours, would you like me to start helping?"

Me thinking to myself: uhhh DUH!!! 

Me: "Yes, M, that'd be awesome."

Husband: "O.K., then I will start helping today. HEY GIRLS!!! Come upstairs,you are going to start folding and putting away the laundry in our room. Help your mom out, O.K.?

There! All taken care of"

Me: "Are you serious?That is how you are going to help me, by making the girls do it? They already have their set chores, and it doesn't include folding your shorts! Gee, thanks!!!!"

Inside out Rapunzel nightgown? Not even mine
Towels? Mostly all my husbands

Me to my now 18 year old ADULT son: "What is that on your arm? It's like a scab, or like a burn or something? What happened?"

18 year old MATURE son: "Oh,it's frostbite!"

Me: "FROSTBITE??? We live by the beach! The sun has been shining all week!How did you get frostbite?" 

18 year old poster child for Maturity: "Well, some friends of mine were talking about the ice cube salt trick, so I tried it! They said it causes a chemical reaction on your skin. They are so stupid! It doesn't cause a chemical reaction, it causes Frostbite!"

Me: "Uhhh, THEY'RE stupid????? Who's the one with frostbite?"

Frostbite, not a Chemical Reaction! DUH!!!!

K, my 5 year old daughter: "Mama, where are we going?"

Me: "To the bank, and to take your sister to spend her gift card at Tilly's"

K: "Can you put your ipod on?"

Me: "Yes"

K: "Can you turn on Lady Gaga?"

Me, mumbling to myself: "I think you are with your big sisters too much"

K: "What did you say Mama?"

Me: "Oh, I said you must hang out with your sisters too much"

K: "No Mama, I hang out with you"

Ki, my 13 year old: "Yeah Mom, she's right. Whose ipod is it anyway? Not Mine! She's drivin around with you all day long, not me."

Me: "Well........Bad Romance is one of my favorites.............Come on girls, sing along!"

*Totally appropriate sing-a-long, right???

Hey Mama, what do you think about me making a dress out of leaves? I could then have a tree branch sticking out from a beehive on my head. Lady GaGa will be the inspiration behind my fashion.
Mama?
You wanna help me collect some leaves?
Mommy?

Tattoos, early marriage dreams, causing bodily harm to oneself with an ice cube, avoidance of helping with laundry,and a 5 year old singing along to Lady Gaga

These are just specks of sand in the never ending stretch of beach that is my family!

They drive me absolutely bonkers, but honest to god, sometimes I sit back and say out loud
"I have really cool kids"

The thirteen year old who talks about tattoos is a straight A student with numerous awards and words of praise from her teachers. She is intrigued by the thought of tattoos right now,but she is young. She is also amazed at how many lip glosses and shades of nail polish there are in the world, and I think she is determined to own every color (wherever does she get that from??) If her intrigue turns into an actual infinity symbol tattooed on her wrist one day, well so be it. At the age of 18 I will neither promote, nor forbid. I will just love and not judge! She will still be my gorgeous, smart as a whip little girl that I call "Sweetie"

My fifteen year old daughter who is 'so in love with her boyfriend' that she talks about marrying him, is the same fifteen year old daughter that is one day going to be crying on my shoulder because they have broken up. And she is the same 15 year old daughter that is one day going to have a beautiful wedding, marrying a man with a beautiful heart, have beautiful children, and live a beautiful life. She will then show her daughter a picture of her boyfriend at 15, and together they can giggle. My daughter is going to make an amazing young woman. She already has!

My 18 year old son actually is one of the most intelligent people I know. He was recognized for his genius brain in pre-school,when at 3 years old he explained magnetic fields, instead of sharing his favorite toy.He then went on to be in G.A.T.E. classes in Elementary school.A genius mind is a curious mind. A curious mind can't help itself sometimes. A curious mind may actually find a cure for cancer. You never know! But that little boy who put a bar of soap in the microwave just to see what happens, or went outside to blow leaves, but wound up attaching the leaf blower to his skateboard to make it 'blow him' down the sidewalk, well that little boy is always going to exist. And it's a good thing too, because he makes me laugh! I will just hide the salt shaker when he is over.

My 5 year old Lady Gaga singing daughter! Those are some of our silliest times. Singing our hearts out in my car. Me trying to flip my rear view mirror down just a tad, so that I can watch her in her booster seat. My little girl has a heart of gold, and the personality of a thousand performers on a stage. When I was young, Saturday Night Live was a family favorite of ours. Should an Elementary school child be up at Midnight on a Saturday Night watching the likes of John Belushi, Dan Akroyd, Chevy Chase and Gilda Radner? I will answer for myself and say "YES" Yes, because those are memories that I will always have.Mental images of my big brother imitating John Belushi's famous One Eyebrow Raise, or myself standing on the bricks of our old fireplace and doing my Gilda Radner Roseanne Roseannadanna impression!

A garage sale purchase from my husband to me. The SNL First Season Boxed set.Another reason I love him. Laundry? Not so great at! Listening to his wife's childhood stories, he shines!!
I never knew that any of these actors were high, or down and out. I just knew that when they were on the t.v.. my family was laughing. We were all together in our family room waiting for the next scene.I didn't always make it through, probably falling asleep next to my mom on the couch.But I tried to keep my eyes open.I can't even say that we watched EVERY SINGLE episode.Memories from childhood sometimes mesh together, and you can have a hard time deciphering a true time line. Whether it was a skit featuring the Coneheads or John Belushi impersonating Joe Cocker, we were all smiles! I'm sure I didn't even understand half the jokes they were saying. I didn't even know who Joe Cocker was, so I thought John Belushi was Joe Cocker.
The words "Live from New York........It's Saturday Night" will always give me a good, warm, safe feeling.
So when my daughter is 30 something years old, maybe she will turn on a radio and hear an oldie by Lady Gaga,smile,and have that same familiar feeling. It is o.k. that the warm feeling she is getting is from a girl who wears meat covered dresses, or hoops around her head. That part doesn't matter, because like the SNL jokes went over my head, Lady Gaga goes over my daughters head. She just knows the words to Bad Romance go like this:

Moma Mo Mama a a
Moma Romamama
Ga Ga O la la a
Chum Chum Romance
I want your pumpkin, I want your ribbons
You and me could find a bag o mance
Wo Oh Oh Oh
Chum Chum Romance!
*She even has me singing "Chum Chum Romance"

A sense of humor, good times with family,and the ability to sometimes not take it all too seriously! 

All of that, mixed with the unconditional love that my parents have always given to me, made me who I am today! And one day, it will make my children who they are.No matter who or what they become, I will love them unconditionally!

I will love them unconditionally, On One Condition...............................

Tree Branches are a 'Thorn' in my side!!

I have been following the tree branch of blogs.
I use the phrase 'tree branch' for a TON of stuff. I click on a blog that I follow, then see what blogs they follow, and before you know it my eyes are stinging, my laptop battery is drained, I can't remember what blogs I had clicked on in the beginning, which ones I meant to go back to, who I had decided to start following, and who I decided to definitely NOT FOLLOW because right away I could tell our Blogs would not play well together in the sand box.

More Tree Branch examples-

My husband and I had an argument today, and it 'Tree Branched' into a Flippin Redwood. Not sure how a little twig starts sprouting other twigs, branches, and leaves.Sometimes turning into a forest!

We both wound up having the day off together. I always have Fridays off, but he of course does not.  WOW! A day off together! What should we do? Take a drive to downtown San Diego? A stroll by the beach, followed by lunch? Or,  taking our daughter to her 9:00 a.m. dentist appointment. I put on my new pair of clearance rack, but Waaaayyyy adorable, cargo jeggings from American Eagle Outfitters, straightened my hair, dabbed on some lip gloss, sprayed some Justin Bieber perfume that I stole from my daughters room,  Victoria's Secret Pink perfume, and I was ready for my day.
My husband wasn't lookin all that shabby either. In fact he looked a bit spiffy in his button up shirt and jeans. Yes, we could take on the WORLD  crying 5 year old in a dental exam chair!

Oh, but I will rewind. I will rewind to before my husband looked all handsome in his casual, yet sharp looking attire. I will rewind to when the tree branch was simply a twig.

"Ki guess what! Daddy doesn't have to go to work today! Wouldn't you love to have him go with us to your dentist appointment, so that he can help mommy and the nice dental assistant hold you down while you scream and kick, as your first cavity is filled, and maybe Daddy can sweat through his shirt, and hold back tears while you scream "please Mommy, Please. No more mommy! I don't like the dentist mommy"  hold your hand while you so calmly have your tooth worked on."


Ki- "Yay, DADDY is going with us to the dentist!"


Tree Branch. Right. Back to the Tree Branch.
Well, my husband did not start off with a collared shirt on. No siree!!!!!
I woke up this morning feeling a sense of fun and adventure. I can't explain why, I just did. I also figured that my normal Friday outfit of FYM (Fake Yoga Mom- have the look of a mom who just stepped out of a yoga studio, or is getting ready to step into one. But really, it was just a stretch pants/Nike kind of day, and the laundry had been a bit ignored this week) was going to stay in the closet. I wanted to dress up a bit for my man today. I wanted him to look at me as I tripped skipped down the stairs, and think "Wow, my wife still has it goin on"



My husband walked upstairs with a beanie on his head, his work shorts, work sweatshirt, and his construction boots. 


Remember back a few paragraphs? No? I will remind you.

He had the DAY OFF!!!

DAY OFF! 

as in

NO WORK!!!!

as in

NO WORK SHORTS NEEDED!

NO WORK SWEATSHIRT NEEDED!

NO CONSTRUCTION BOOTS NEEDED!

So I did the famous wife/girlfriend/any living female moan-

"Uh"

Husband walking past me grabbing his toothbrush

"Uh"

Husband pretending to not hear my "Uh's"

"Uh"

Husband starting to undo his belt

Me thinking "Oh, he is undoing his belt! Yay, he is going to change into something nicer"

Husband only taking his belt off to go pee!

NOT to change his outfit.

"Uh"

Husband: "You ready? I am"

"Uh"

Husband: "O.K., well I will meet you downstairs"

"Uh"

"Uhhhhh"

"Ummmmm"

Me talking to myself:

"J.R. Don't do it!! Don't do it J.R. Don't open your mouth. Just let him be. He looks fine. He even has the Hot Construction Worker look goin on! Leave him be" 

The other Me talking to Me:

"Construction M is always here! I want nice jeans that show off his cute butt! I want collared shirt that I bought him at Macy's! I want his Reef brown flip flops so that he has that Beachy Casual look, to go with my Beachy Casual Look, just in case we casually go eat lunch BY THE BEACH!!" 

The other, other Me, talking to the other, other Me:

"Uh, you are kinda crazy! Did he even ask you to lunch, because I heard him on the phone earlier, and I think he has plans after the dentist's office. I think he actually needs to keep those construction boots on. He was going to work around the yard later, then help his friend out"

The other, other, other Me

"Shut Up, all of you!"

I just couldn't stop myself.

I watered the Tree Branch.It was on it's way, limbs growing, leaves forming, pine cones and all. 

I said those words that many men are used to hearing, but for some reason my husband takes great offense to....

ME: "M, are you really going to wear that?

Or did you want to wear something else?"

Husband in a tone, that I am pretty sure was NOT sincere:"What would I ever do without you J.R.? What would I do without you 'reminding' me that I actually wanted to wear something else!!" 

ME: "No, No! You look fine! I meant, like...... like. I meant, like did you want to wear that red beanie, or did you want to wear the blue one that matches your......ummmm........that matches your.. your BOOTS!" 

Husband: "I'm changing babe. Fine, I will put on a collared shirt! Would you like me to put on a tie, and get my dress shoes shined as well?" - Ya think he was being sarcastic?

He took off the work clothes

Shaved

Dabbed a bit of cologne on

I am making up the cologne part,
but his deodorant smells really good

Put on my favorite pair of jeans

Put on a casual collared shirt

He came downstairs, and tried not to smile at me

He came downstairs, and tried to be annoyed at me!


Once in the car, everything was Roses and Sunshine. 
I told him he looked handsome, he smiled and said 
"Thanks, I actually forgot about this shirt you bought me. I do like it"


All was right with the world. Our day was started.

The dentist appointment went well. Our daughter was Awesome. No tears!


Then we drove STRAIGHT HOME!

We did not go for a Casual Lunch Date at the Beach. 

We did not have any spontaneous fun

We did not get to show off our Nicely Outfitted 'selves to all who cared
**I don 't think anyone cares**
'Shut up Negative Me!!'

Instead,

we went home 

and watered the tree branch.

We watered the tree branch, until other branches grew.

One branch was about bills!- Why does he always go to the mailbox right when we pull up in the driveway? 
*I need to talk with that mailman of ours. Can't he deliver happiness??!!!

One branch was about the sticky mess left by one of our daughters trying to hide a blender mishap- Did he not feel the sticky floor beneath his shoes this morning?  
*or, I'm sorry, excuse me, beneath his Super Cool Construction Boots!! 

One branch sprouted off of that branch, and then the leaves started growing, along with some prickly pineconey looking things. Prickly pine cones are the worst! 
Those usually come with jabs, and start off this way:
"And you know what else bugs me about you???........."


OH GREAT!!! 
Yellowstone National Forest is now in our living room

BRING IT ON!!

• Speaking of sticky floors, I can't even see our floor in the bedroom. Are you on strike from the laundry?Or are we waiting for a laundry fairy to fly down?
• And I did not think women were supposed to be such slobs. I mean really, how does toothpaste splatter to the top of the mirror when you are brushing your teeth?
• Also, I am trying to do a low carb diet. But you seem to only be shopping at the High Carb Warehouse! A little support would help!

  And One More Thing

• I am a grown man. I can dress myself. If I wake up and put on shorts, a shirt, shoes, or a frickin feather boa, it's my choice! It is because I chose that! I don't get dressed thinking, 'Ummmm, now what am I doing?? What is my name?? Where is my wife? I could soooo use her help right now!' 

Ahhhhhhh, so that is what this was about?

The outfit debacle was the beginning.

It was a little seed planted in the forest.

ME: You are soooooo turning this into a big ol' Tree Branch of arguments. Blah! You suck!

But.........

You see not all Tree Branching is bad!

After some time apart,

(Me with my trusty laptop

Him with his garage manly stuff)

We salvaged the rest of the day. Me putting on my FYM outfit (those Cargo Jeggings were a bit tight), him taking off his collared shirt, where underneath he was wearing his #1 dad t-shirt that the kids had bought him last year. We watched an afternoon movie with the kids, sat upstairs and folded laundry together while listening to my ipod on the new iHome he bought me,and we laughed and talked. We talked about how much bills suck ass! We talked about his business, and how we could help it grow (he is a General Contractor), we talked about his bad attitude when it comes to watching The Office with me, and he said he would give it another try. We left our teen daughters on the couch, snuggled up with our five year old watching Sponge Bob and we went on an evening date. It may have just been to Trader Joes, but it was nice. He grabbed a basket with one hand, and put his arm around me with his free arm. We each picked out a bottle of wine, grabbed the tortillas we needed for our dinner, and talked about how we want to start eating healthier (Even me. God I love junk food) 

Then we walked out of Trader Joes and were immediately accosted by Girl Scouts. 2 boxes of Thin Mints, and then we will start our new Healthy Lifestyle. He laughed at me as I opened the box as soon as we got in the car. 

"What?"

"Nothing, just you!"

"Well, I mean I picked out Moscato. It is like a dessert wine. So I needed some dessert."

"I know. I just love you!"

Point is, that sometimes squabbles need to happen.

Sometimes prickly pine cones can be a bother. 

But when you walk into a field and collect them, you can bring them home and make some pretty cool crafts out of them.

A new branch had formed.

An Olive Branch

* I dedicate this post to my husband

I love you, even when you wear your work clothes.

But I love you lots more when you wear nice clothes.

The End

"Your Blog is Becoming a Fire Hazard"-Quote from my Husband

• So, my husband was BBQ'ing some chicken breasts that we had marinated all day in yummy teriyaki sauce. He got the charcoal going, waiting for the coals to be red hot. 
• After coals are hot enough, he puts chicken on the grill
• He then walks inside the house (as it is cold outside, so he keeps coming in and out,as opposed to the summertime when he just stands over the BBQ with a beer in one hand)
• I am sitting on the couch, with my laptop next to me.
• I excitedly exclaim "I have 17 followers now" Followed by, "Did you read the post I wrote about C?"
• He then sits next to me on couch, and proceeds to talk with me about my blog. Conversation going like this:

 "I am really glad I bought you this laptop for Christmas. Seeing you really enjoying it makes me feel good about the purchase"

"I am too. You know how I stay up late at night? That is when I always imagined myself writing. While you were sleeping, but I never wanted to go downstairs and sit at the desk. Now I can be up in bed, writing"

"I can tell how much you are enjoying your blogging. Like it is bringing 'you out' like you are 'blossoming' or something. This has been great for you."

"Oh babe, thank you for being so supportive. I was afraid my new love affair with my laptop was going to start bumming you out. Or you were going to start getting sick of my blog talk. Which by the way, some of these ladies are really funny. You should let me read some to you sometime" 

"Oh fer sure, yeah looking forward to it"  - In between  watching football and basketball, working, fishing, fishing, and working, planting a new palm tree, going to the beach, watching sports, and making a new fishing rod. 

"Ohh, Babe, you are so supportive of my writing and my blog. I love that you actually listen to me talk about it, and that you actually care. Wow, pookie, snookie, lovey dovey, you are the bestest!!"

"Of course I love hearing you go on, and on,and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on......." - If I listen to her, maybe she'll repay me later with some lovin'

"Aww, babe! Hugs!!"

" SHIT!! FUCK!! THE BARBECUE!" -goes RUNNING out to the porch to find flames shooting out from under the lid of his little charcoal grill.

I look up and can see the reflections of the flames in one of our glass picture frames on the wall. Crap, he's gonna be pissed!

I only hear muffled yells coming from outside, but they went a little something like this:

" FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!"

Then the sliding glass door opens, he grabs a spatula and tongs, goes back outside where he proceeds to peel the black layer of burnt skin off of the chicken breasts. But the grill had heated up to such a high temperature, that he was only able to peel little bits off at a time, before having to stand back from the heat and take a break. 

I, on the other hand, was standing inside, staring at him through the sliding glass door. I was trying to keep the smirk on my face hidden. I don't know why, but sometimes situations like this happening to my husband make me laugh. Evil, I know!

"Shhhhiiiittttt, this is HOT! The chicken is ruined, I got most of the burnt skin off, but..........Shit!"

Then he came inside....... 

and all of the LOVEY DOVEY 

SNOOKIE POOKIE

I love your BLOGGY WOGGY

BLOSSOM WOSSOM went out the door

and was replaced with this...........





"YOUR BLOG TALK IS BECOMING A FIRE HAZARD.

IT MADE ME BURN THE CHICKEN!"

Yummy!!

*Wow, blogs are more powerful than I realized.
MY blog has fire starting powers!
What other blog can make that claim?

I wonder what my toothbrush can do........

* the chicken turned out fine after we peeled off the burnt layers,hubby calmed down, and he has gone back to his supportive ways. He'd better be supportive and nice.
He wouldn't want my blog and I lightin his ass on fire..........!!!

Squeaky Brakes=OMG Mom!Your car is sooo embarrassing

It all started with a very quick, faint, squeaky sound as I was pulling into the parking lot at work. The sound almost went unnoticed, as Adele was serenading me through my speakers. It was like a "Rollin in the Deep" duet, just Adele and I, two extraordinary singers, harmonizing as one. Kidding! Kidding! I couldn't carry a tune if my life depended on it. I tried to sing a love song to my husband in bed one night, and he has never (and I mean NEVER) let me live it down.It is a story that he tells at BBQ's, get together's, and one day, I'm sure,my funeral. I am thankful my kids let me sing to them when they were young.Puff the Magic Dragon and You Are My Sunshine were always requested.
*I should probably have their hearing tested.

Right as I was zipping into my parking space, I turned off my ipod, and heard the most god awful, nails on a chalkboard, wretched sound! I darted my head around wondering whose car was responsible for contaminating my ears. Then it dawned on me, as my car crept about 5 more feet, that the blood curdling sound came from my car.Whaaaat?? When did that start?

So I did what most women would do, I sent my husband a text.

Me: Car making weird noise

Husband: How

Me: Squeeeeaaaakkkk.

Phone Rings

Ring ~ Ring

Me answering my phone: Hey

Husband: Babe you can't text me sounds. Now, What is it doing?

Me: Squeeeaaakkk. Squuueeeeakkk. EEEeeeeeh EEEeeeeehh

Husband: I'll have to look at it when you get home

Me: You mean you can't tell what it is from my sound imitation?

Husband: Silent

Me: I'm kidding

So of course my husband looks at it when I get home. 

So of course he takes it for a test drive.

So of course he says "I don't hear anything.Your car is fine"

Why does that happen? It never makes the sound for a husband or mechanic. I have stood in many a car repair shop making a fool of myself, trying to mimic the clatter coming from my engine, only to have the service technician tell me 

'Sorry Miss, I don't hear a thing.Now what was that sound again?' 

'Varoop,Varoop! Clickaaahh,Clickaaah! Varoop, Varoop! Pssshhhhh! Then it dies!'

'Hmmff, Sorry I'm not laughing Mam, I have something in my throat. O.K. can you do that one more time?'

Somewhere on You Tube, there is a compilation mash-up video of women making numerous car noises. I just know those repair places have video of us, and they are piecing them together, mashing them up to some popular hip hop songs, and turning it into some Mommy Beat Boxing. We probably have a million or more hits, and we don't even know it ladies. 

Fast forward 2 weeks (2 weeks of me imitating the sounds, and 2 weeks of the stubborn sounds not performing during my husbands test drive)

Finally, Finally he borrows my car to take our daughter to do errands, and when they come back, she is the first to greet me in the kitchen. 

B -15 year old daughter: "He heard it!! He totally heard it"

Husband:It's your brake pads. They need to be replaced. 

Me: See I told you! 

So that was a week ago, and he is going to actually fix it tomorrow morning for me. Thanks M!

But, let me tell you what it is like having teenage daughters and a car that makes sounds. 

Really awful, ear splitting, high pitched noises that will not stop,no matter what you do ( well it stops, but only when the car stops, which isn't an option when you are driving) 

I pull out of my driveway this morning to take K my 13 year old daughter to school. I secretly pray to the heavens above to just let me get her dropped off before my mom mobile wants to start screeching at me, and I get maybe a 2 minute reprieve, ..............and then it starts. 

'Squuueeeeeeeeeaaaaakkkk EEEEeeeeeeeeehhhhhh EEEEEEeeeeehhhhh EEEEEeehhhhhhhhh'

.......and then she starts

EEEeeeeehhhhhh OH MY GOD EEEeeeeehhhhhh

MOM THIS IS SOOOO EMBARRASSING

EEEeeeeehhhhh

Me Laughing: Honey, It's not that embarrassing. It'll stop before we pull up to the drop off.

K trying not to laugh: It's not stopping!!

Me still laughing: It's gonna stop.

K still trying to maintain her teen composure, and not show a smile: It's sooo loud.It's not stopping.

Me, cracking up: Uh Oh, we are almost to the drop off. You want me to drop you off up the hill, and you can walk down?

K: Arrghh, I'm gonna be late, you have to drop me off up front. Make it stop mom!

Me, not laughing, because as we get closer, I too am getting a bit embarrassed: I'll write you a note for being late, let me just drop you off up here at the stop sign. 

K: Mom, now you're embarrassed??? Just pull in the drop off, I'm gonna be late. Why me? 

~Silence~

Me: It stopped!! Yeaahh!

K: O.K. hurry, pull up, let me out!! 

Me: Bye, Love......DOOR SLAMS SHUT....You

As I start to pull out of the drop off, the sound starts up again. Slowly, gaining momentum with each roll forward. Scrreeeeccchhhhhhhh!!! EEEeeeehhh!! Squeeeaaakkkk!!!

I look in my rear view mirror, and sure enough I can see her. She is speed walking away from the curb, as fast as she can.Completely mortified, but at one more glance I notice her turn around and give a little wave and a half smile. Dying of humiliation,in fear of losing a popularity point, but still a glimmer of 'I love you mom' - even though your car is a rolling billboard of ridiculousness! ' I love you mom'  I didn't mean to slam the door so quickly. 'I love you mom' 

I start to get a bit of a lump in my throat that she took the time to turn around, and then I see it. Her B.F.F. step out from behind a little bush, and they hug. 

"O.K. I am a loser! She was waving at Bre, not me!" - Punch in the gut for mom!

I give my dashboard a little love tap, and whisper softly "Come on, let's embarrass the hell out of her"

I pull up in the driveway, get Ki out of her booster seat - 

" I love you mommy" 

"I know you do sweetheart" 

And then, my phone buzzes in my purse-  A text from K

Teenagers, they can surprise you

Thank Goodness it is getting fixed tomorrow.

There are noise pollution laws in our fine city.

I'm a Woman! This Sucks!! You are a Man! YOU Suck!!!

Being a woman is so much fun. And here is a condensed list of things that make it fun,starting with the beginning:
**You know how nature shows will show you the phases of a blooming flower, from seed to bloom using time lapse photography? Well this is all the sucky parts of being a female, written and meant to be read in time lapsed speed.

• Diaper rashes covering all of your privates- “Honey, she looks a little pink down there. Should I call the doctor?”o.k. keep Desitin on her at night, Desitin 24/7, wow how did her poop go all the way up her front, I hope I got it all. Oh, I don’t think I got it all, now she has a UTI. We are out of Desitin. O.K. got more Desitin. Poop in there again? UGGHHH!!! 
• Fear of a period even before your time-what if I start at school?, what If I'm wearing white,?
• Start of period- everyone is swimming, but I have a pad on. My pad is moving around, oh no
• Period through teen years- can I borrow a tampon? do you have a tampon? I can't feel the string to my tampon? Wait did I even take the first tampon out? Oh god, I hope I don't have my period on Homecoming! Mom can you pick me up some tampons? "No, but your dad is going to the store. What size do you need?"  "WHAT, MOOOMMM, NOOOO!!!"
• Taking the Pill- Do I ask my mom or do I sneak it from a clinic place? I can't even remember my homework, how will I remember a pill? Oh well, I don't technically need it, but all my friends have it.I want some in my purse.
• Yeast infection- only wear cotton underwear, don't leave a wet bathing suit on too long, are your pants made of polyester. 'mom, can you buy me some medicine?' 'No honey, but your dad is going to the store, I will ask him' ' OH MY GOD, MOOOOMM'
• Cramps- Mom, can you write me a note for P.E. today? Can I just stay home today? Mom, can you find me the heating pad? I love you mom! Ugghh, these cramps suck mom. What can I take to make them go away?
• Cysts- Ovarian cysts, fun!!!
• SEX- hurts the first time, the books say you should pee before and pee after, good lord that is romantic. Sorry, I have a headache! I love you so much, my headache is gone. I think I'm pregnant! I am pregnant! yay!!! 
• PREGNANCY- Wow a miracle is forming inside me. Blaachh, Blaacchheeh(vomiting noises), I don't want another saltine cracker, and those f'ing prenatal pills make me puke!! Honey, god, I'm pregnant, what do you expect from me? I'm tired! I know I'm 7 months pregnant, but am I still HOT? Ugghhh, they say sex will help bring on labor,so get over here. No, not that way, uggh, never mind. I'm a fat cow!! Wait, I'm having a contraction! I'm scared, this hurts, I hate you, I love you! Cesarean? O.K. no pain, sure bring it on. It's a girl!! I LOVE YOU.  
• After Pregnancy-  Uggh, recovering from a Cesarean SUCKS! Don't make me laugh, my staples might rip. Nurse, I need more Vicodin. Can you breastfeed on Vicodin? OWWW, breastfeeding hurts. Blood blister, on my boob.! WHAT? Ow again. Breastfeeding is a breeze. No you can't touch my Boobs, they are for the baby now, not you. I know it has been 6 weeks, but with a cesarean it is 9. I know it has been 9 weeks, but ummm, welll, umm oh, yeah, well I read in a magazine article that you should wait until the mom is 100 percent ready, oh and you should buy flowers, wine, and a gift card to Macys.
• Numerous Pregnancies/Children - I wish I could wear a bikini. Husband says "YOU CAN!!" Then you say "you are just saying that because you have to."  You know what, I can rock a bikini. I have had 4 kids, and I look great compared to alot of other moms. Oh, my god, I don't know what I was thinking. I look horrible. This bikini is going back to Macys. I need a boob job! Not only a boob job but a tummy tuck too. I am going to get my tubes tied! Wow, I didn't know getting your tubes tied had recovery time, and was so extensive. You jerk,why didn't you stop me and offer to get a Vasectomy. I hear it's a breeze for men. My period is all weird now, I feel like it comes and goes, like its all month long.Sex?? Right NOW? Not now honey, the kids are awake, the kids are home, the kids are right downstairs, the kids are existing.
• Life of a woman in her 30's- Sharp exruciating pain. Great, cysts again. I haven't had those in a while. And on our anniversary? Thanks honey for taking me to the E.R. A doctor that looks like he is 20, is going to do a pelvic. Sir, would you like to stay in the room with your wife, or step out while I do this? Umm, well, Wow, he looks like he's 20. O.K. your wife is clear to go, the cyst has ruptured. That is why she was nauseous. PMS is awful. I did not know I could single handedly hate the entire world in just one big HATEFEST! "Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I was looking up on my iphone, and maybe you are suffering from pre-menopause, I mean its just a thought" Thanks hubby, I'll look into that.  "Hey, J, you may want to look into getting your hormone levels tested. Or, get this, it could be PTLS"   'PTLS, what is that?'  "Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. You may want to think about getting your tubal reversed. It could really be messing with you. Look it up"  Guess what Honey, I could have PTLS, and you could have saved me from that if you had just had your balls snipped.
• Life in 40's- I don't know yet, but I will keep ya posted. 

What Men Have to Go Through, from the beginning

• Circumcision-.K. boys, I will give you this one. I listened to my son scream, and was traumatized. BUT..... I will also say. He was recovered in 5 days, and I have never heard him complain about it since. 
• Peeing standing up- YOU ARE LUCKY! End of story!
• Wondering why you wake up in the morning 'Happy'- Again, not a bad thing!
• SEX - Yes Buddy you finally did it! High Five!! Hey babe, I love you! You have a headache again? You love me too? You might be pregnant?
• Pregnancy-  Yes, I'm gonna be a dad!! High Five! Honey, why are you so tired? Hey, since you are pregnant, you can be the designated driver!Hey babe, is it normal for me to have pregnancy sympathy pains? Why'd you punch me in the arm? What did I say? Wow babe, I wish I was you, just for a day. Just to feel a baby kicking around inside of me. Uhh, babe, wake up, did you just pee the bed? Are you in labor? It sounds like you are dying, does it hurt that bad? Oh, they are going to do a Cesarean, now  you won't have any pain! Since you are going to breastfeed, does that mean you will wake up with the baby at night? Why are you crying? What did I say?
• After Pregnancy- Honey, the baby is crying again. I think she is hungry,tired,wet,teething. And for some reason I am under the assumption you are the only one who can handle all of these things. I'm off to go golfing, everything o.k. babe, do you need anything before I go? What's that? Oh, shit the guys are here to pick me up, I'll hand you the remote when I get back. 
• Numerous Children- Lets try again for another baby (which is code for, lets have sex) Of course I think you are pretty, why are you crying? No, that bikini looks great on you. You have an infection? Down there? You want me to buy you what? Ummm, I'll watch the kids, you can run and grab it yourself. Gyne-Lotri What? I'm going golfing, I need a break! Can we do it first though? Oww, why'd you punch me in the arm? What did I say?
• Life of a man in his 30's(as far as 'personal parts') - Mood Swings? NO! Ovarian Cysts? NO! Infections? NO! Periods, NO!!!!, Not in the mood Headaches, HELL NO!!, Feeling fat, ugly,lumpy,sore breasts,PMS having, Pap Smear getting,Just read an article that wearing thongs can give you bacterial infections, great now what do I wear? NONE OF THIS!! Pre-Menopause, I have no idea what that is but I googled some of my wife's symptoms, and I have come to the conclusion she has it. Oww, why did she punch me in the arm? WHAT DID I SAY?? 
• Life of a man in his 40's, 50's, 60's- They say men get more handsome with age. Grey hair makes them look distinguished!Well congratulations to them. Really happy for you guys!! Oh, look and they even make a pill just for you that makes you "HAPPY" down there, for four hours straight. Well, since your wife is Menopausal, looks like you are shit out of luck!

Well Guys, after looking over the list, the only one I'm giving you is Circumcision! And that was how many years ago?  And maybe dealing with your wife's mood swings during Pregnancy and PMS. But, hey, you get to go Golfing and 'get a break'!! Buy your wife a bottle of wine, a bouquet of flowers, kiss her on the lips, and tell her you will give her a massage, an actual real massage nothing else expected, then give the kids their baths, and tuck them in. Tell your wife you love her, tuck her in, and be grateful for the woman next to you. She has been through alot since coming out of the womb! 

To all the men out there who may not like this post, I respond with this:

"What? What did I say?"