We saw the 'Biebs' in concert! Cue the SCREAMS!!!

 Yes my household is a music loving household. All types of music can be heard from our ipods.
From Fleetwood Mac to Flo Rida.
From Johnny Cash to Johnny Rotten
From New Kids on the Block (hey, I relive my youth once in a while) to Justin Bieber!

I sat in front of two computers, four months ago and anxiously awaited while the hourglass spun in circles.
Would they be sold out?
Would I be able to figure out the Ticketmaster Captcha?
Are the $50 dollar seats going to be in the nosebleed section? spoiler alert.....Yes they were!

Hourglass stopped spinning

"GIRLS, WE ARE GOING TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER IN CONCERT"

The hoops I had to jump through to get these tickets........

too many hoops to count!

Pre-Sale to American Express cardholders only- No problem!

Yes Problem- We don't have an AMEX

Call my parents, they'll surely have one- they don't

Sign up for one online, Genius!- Card will arrive in the next 2-4 weeks, WTF?? I NEED IT NOW! 

Call my parents back asking for advice- Go to grocery store and buy AMEX gift card?!?!

GENIUS PARENTS I HAVE! WAIT, NO, Not enough time!!!

Tell parents you love them, but you have to hang up now and contrive a plan- Dad says "hold on, call your Aunt! She may have one, and you can pay her back." GENIUS AGAIN!

Best Aunt in the world, can I have your AMEX # to purchase some tickets to see the Biebs in concert?- YES? I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Tickets Purchased!

'Upper Concourse' Section 316......Code Name for 'NOSEBLEED'
But in all honesty, my girls and I don't complain. Justin Bieber the size of an ant is better than no Bieber at all.

My Co-Worker/BFF also jumped through the same hoops that morning, and was able to buy tickets for herself and her three girls.

Then our boss, who, in case he is reading this is THE BEST BOSS EVER, found out we were going and used his Marriott Reward points to get us each a Hotel Room.

CAN YOU SAY          

COMPLETE AND UDDER(OR IS IT utter??) AWESOMENESS??!!!

When checking into a hotel that is full of Justin Bieber fans from all over California, what do you do first?

You leave your teen daughters in the hotel room with your five year old while they get all decked out in homemade t-shirts, and makeup (teens, not 5 year old! No makeup for her yet. This isn't Toddlers and Tiaras)

You tell them you are going to 'check out the Hotel and go for a little walk', then you grab your husband (who only came because he happened to have the next day off. No ticket for him. He was going to lounge at the bar while I have my ear screamed in by crazed lunatic teenagers) 

You call your BFF who is staying a floor below you;even though the B*TCHY girl at the front desk swore you were on the same floor. Uhhhh, when did 21 and 20 become the same number?

.......and you wind up here

We checked out the Hotel......on our way to the outdoor bar. These parents deserve a drink before heading into the treacherous land of Maniac Bieber Fans!
By the way, we could hear the screams from the Staples Center while sitting at the bar. The screams of girls that thought if they showed up early they'd catch a glimpse of JB hoppin out of his tinted windowed, chrome car!
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JUSTIN WE LOVE YOU AHHHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEEEE"

Bartender, can you make that a double?

Time to go!

Blurry action shot of the girls jumping in the hall on the way down. 

All in all it was a great experience

Oh, wait let me rewind. 

A word of advice

Five year olds get tired waiting 2 hours for someone to show up on a stage. 

Five year olds don't care about concerts

They only care about Hotel Pools and jumping on Hotel Beds

Five year olds grab your hand midway through the FIRST SONG and yell in your ear

"Can I go to the Hotel with Daddy? I'm tired!"

Five year olds make teenagers say 

"OHHHHHH MYYYYY GOOODDDDDDDDDD! She is wasting a ticket! We so could have brought one of our friends"

To which mom replies-

"We are NOT even going to go there!"

and for once.......they zipped their lips, and didn't go there. :)

Daddy saved the day.Thank goodness he came, thank goodness he was 2 seconds away having a tray of sliders and a beer at the ESPN Sports Bar! Thank goodness his night was made by having two moms try to pick him up because he looked 'lonely'.

Thank goodness he had an excuse of "Oh, I'm waiting for my wife and daughters inside the concert"

Thank goodness that excuse turned out not to be a lie, because one minute later he was actually needed.

Daddy to the rescue. 

YES, they went back to the room and jumped on the beds! He is a big kid too!

What an AMAZING time with my family.

The next morning we raided the Executive Lounge for all of the free snacks.Thanks Boss....again......for being an Elite Member! We love free snacks!

We were exhausted, but hubby still drove us through Hollywood to 'see the sights'
Sights being Homeless and Graffiti, but Hey, I got my Hollywood sign Picture.

Lessons learned

• If you are going to sit in front of your computer for AMEX presale tickets. Make sure you actually have an American Express. 
• Don't think your homemade purple t-shirts from Michaels are going to be 'Super Original'- They AREN'T! I can't even tell you how many homemade purple t-shirts we saw! And Justin didn't even take the time to come find my girls and compliment them on their iron on skills.
• If your five year old states to you beforehand that she is SUPER excited about the Hotel, but the concert 'Uhhhh, not too much Mama'- Believe her! Don't waste the money on the ticket. She will have just as much fun in the pool or jumping on the bed with Daddy.
• Find the Bar! Find the Bar at the Hotel, and then when you get into the arena, find that bar too. Smile at the Bartender, slam your hand down on the counter and say "I think this Mama deserves a Margarita"
• Most important lesson learned- HAVE FUN! Because I did! 
• Upper Concourse means............             UPPER CONCOURSE!!!   SUPER DUPER UPPER!

I am worried about my pal Kim Kardashian

Poor Kimberly.

Did you see the episode where Kanye comes in and has his stylist 'makeover' Kim's wardrobe? Calling some of her items ghetto.

She is left with a bare closet. So basically she has gone from one mistake to another. A guy who wants to change her. Only she says she is doing it because she is evolving, and changing herself.

Uhhhhhhhhh, Kim, that is not what it looked like from my point of view - my point of view being from my cozy bed with a nightcap, and a grumbling husband who complains about my choice in television viewing. Sorry Honey, but I am a sucker for reality. Any reality, even if it is semi scripted and fake. How do those Kardashian girls get their hair so shiny?

So it had me thinking. In a way we all change a bit when we start dating someone. Maybe we don't throw the entire contents of our closet away, but we all do something. Even if we don't notice that we are doing it.

When I first started dating my husband, I overheard him say something about how some girls look cute wearing jean overalls with tank tops. (Maybe he had some farm girl fantasy, I don't know) So what did I do? Ohhhhh, I just happened to dig out my Old Navy jean overalls, a little white tank top and just happened to wear them on one of our desert dirt bike trips. I HATED THOSE OVERALLS!!!!!! But I sure rocked the hell out of them that weekend. I also pretended to like the Lakers, even choosing my favorite player. I acted like I knew who the Dead Kennedys were (a Punk band, I don't like punk at all)
Eventually the overalls stopped seeing the light of day, I started complaining when he played his music too loud, and now I go upstairs and read while he sits downstairs alone watching The Lakers.

My daughter is on boyfriend #3 right now. I have watched (or should I say listened) to her style in music change with each boy.
Boy #1 had diamond earrings, and even though he was as white as can be, had a bit of a hip hop tone to his voice.So of course, what was blaring from her stereo for 7 months? You guessed it.......Hip Hop and Rap!
Boy #2 different boy, different music. He didn't last long, so his style of music has already been forgotten.
Boy #3- We love boy 3. He is part of the family. They have known each other for a long time. They have always been friends, but then it grew. He is respectful, kind, and helped me bring in groceries from Costco the other day. He is a keeper. But I have now watched her change again. Not major changes, just minor enough for a mom who was once a teenage girl herself, to notice. Hipster,mellow music now plays from her ipod.When asked how she discovered this band, she says "oh, I have loved them for a while"- Well, that is not what I heard when I was eavesdropping on you and your sisters conversation. A conversation that went a little something like this.

B- 'I love the Lumineers'

K- 'Me too'

B- 'I am so glad boy #3 showed me who they were.'

K- 'Me too! Hey, put on that other song he played for you.'

B-' Oh yeah, they are my new favorite band too. Just so peaceful, ya know?'

K-'Yeah, I know'

B-'What are you wearing to school tomorrow?'

K-'I don't know, you?'

B-' I don't know, boy #3 likes those brown boots I wore the other day, so probably those'


I got to go, I just realized what time it is and I was going to try to paint my nails before work. I overheard my hubby saying he likes red nail polish on women, so..................................

Be yourself
Be Happy

But sometimes it is o.k. to be a tiny bit of the person your mate wants you to be. We all know us women are experts at trying to change our men;short of cutting their balls off.
I guess I can dust off some overalls, wear some red nail polish, and listen to one punk song, while watching sports. ;)

'THE' Overalls

But don't ever, EVER ask me to give away my wardrobe. That is where I would draw the line, for myself and my daughters.

**So it is o.k. if my daughter changes her tunes, and sports her brown boots. But if I start seeing her 'true inner spirit' start to change. We will have problems. On a positive note, boy #3 is awesome, and in all seriousness he has always liked her just for being her. I could spot his crush from twenty miles away, even when she didn't even realize it was going on. I don't think he wants to change anything about her, and that is fine with me. Although I could stand for him to tell her she needs to keep up on the dishes and cat box. Hey, help a mama out boy!



Happy Tuesday!

OH MY GOD - I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my god, WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME?"

"You ruined my LIFE!"

"You are soooooooooooo embarrassing!No other parents do that!"

"******'s mom buys her whatever clothes she wants!"

"*****'s parents just took her to Contempo Casuals and bought her a new cropped shirt! Why can't you be like them?"

"What?? WHAT??? You said 'hi' to the boy I like???I'm NEVER going to school again! EVER!!!"

"Drop me off at the corner! The cor.....what?? What are you doing? Why are you pulling up in front of the school? I said the cooooorrrrrnnnnnneeeerrrrrr.............Ugggggghhhhh! So embarrassing!"

"Mom, are you seriously going to pull over and ask that kid if he wants a ride? WHY? He is in my math class, and he is a weirdo? I don't care if it's raining, you are soooo EMBARRASSING!!"

"Why are you waving at them?Soooooo embarassing!"

"On restriction? Are you serious? There is a HUGE party on Friday and everybody is going! I swear I will never roll my eyes or talk back to you again!I promise! I am so sorry......You are the best parents in the world...........Can't I get off restriction on Thursday? What? WHY?......You are the WORST parents in the entire world."         SLAM- "Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door" - Yeah right, I DID mean to slam it!!!-     "What? Huh, I didn't say anything, I said 'I love you guys'"

"Wait! Dad, you are kidding me right? RIGHT? Did you really paddle your board over to a group of my guy friends out in the water, and ask which one was my boyfriend and then introduce yourself to him? Please tell me you are joking!............Yes it is a big deal..........I am going to kill myself. "  - SLAM- Door slams, "ha ha, let them think I'm in my room actually causing harm to myself".........................."umm, how come they are not checking on me?"..........."Don't they care?".....................UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

"Seriously Mom, when you pick my friends and I up from the mall, do we have to listen to Joan Baez, or Joni Mitchell, or the Neville Brothers, or whatever else you listen to? I am bringing my Kid n Play, or Rob Base cassette tapes!......Fine, compromise with my Pretty in Pink Soundtrack! Your music is so embarrassing, it is probably killing my friends ears."

Parents are certainly the most embarrassing people walking the face of the earth. Just ask any teenager, and you will see that the census sways in the direction of 'Parents just should not exist'

The above quotes?  They are all things that ......................

That.......

That I......

That I have heard from.......

That I have heard from my.....

That I have heard from my own two ears.

That I have heard from my own two ears,

Coming out of ........

Coming out of my OWN TWO LIPS!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am the awful teen that spouted these words of hate and rebellion!

Spouting them vehemently from my own two lips!

What a wretched teen I was!

They were all from me.

Yup, sweet, wonderful daughter, J.R.!

I was a good kid, really not too bad, but gosh I could be a brat. A BIG GIANT BRAT!!!!! I loved my parents, and still do, more than anything in the entire world. But everything, and I mean everything, was embarrassing to me. I guess looking back on it, maybe I struggled with some self esteem issues. Always doubting what was cool, what would be accepted. I wish I could go back in time and give the teenage me a bit more confidence. I was not unpopular, I was not unattractive, I was not anything that could be looked at as negative for a teen.In fact, I was semi popular. Dipping one foot in with the Uber popular kids, and one foot in to the wading pool of semi popular. Not too shabby actually.  I think I was just plain and simply a TEEN! That is it. 

Nowadays, I am pretty sure about myself. I am not really lacking in self confidence, other than the occasional normal stuff. 

These days my parents do not embarrass me, just for the fact that they are breathing.In fact I love and appreciate them so much, that to say they ever embarrassed me nowadays would almost feel sacrilegious, ungrateful, down right awful. When I was a teen, they were not even able to breathe-Good lord, how dare they breathe or exist? Geez! Don't they know I have my teenage life and reputation to uphold. But now I need, love, and admire them so much that they better keep on breathing. Dammit, don't they know they have a daughter to keep on keeping on for?

But what I have actually come to the realization of is this- My parents are actually considered to be 'Cool'! Don't tell them that though, don't need any big heads goin on. They are not, nor were they ever cool in the way of being 'those parents'. You know, the ones that let you drink, stay out all night, cover for you, and help you roll your first joint.When you are young, those are the 'Cool' parents. I would hear rumors of 'Those' parents existing, and think 'Why was I not born to them'?

Or those other kind of 'Cool Parents'- The rich ones! My mom did not take me shopping every weekend like other moms, and I did not have a wardrobe that was to die for thanks to my 'super young fashionable rich' mom. My dad wasn't the kind of 'Daddy' that made me out to be 'Daddy's Princess', buying me a car for my 16th Birthday or lavishing me with gifts,money, and material items. My mom did not wear makeup, or understand my need for getting to the drugstore because I was out of mousse, and that is considered an emergency for a girl with a spiral perm. 

I would not realize until years later, and I would run into people from high school, that my parents were just cool, because........well, just because they were just plain COOL! 

My dad is a wonderful man. Honest, true, kind hearted, dependable, responsible, loving, caring and kind. Not to mention he is a surfer! He has surfed at the same beach since he was a kid, and is definitely a respected local. But most of all, my dad loves me! He never made me feel less than. He never put unrealistic expectations on me. He never made me feel bad, guilty, or awful for mistakes that I made. My dad has always loved me unconditionally.

My mom is a wonderful woman. Nurturer, loving, caring, and kindness beyond belief. Neighborhood kids knew that they could bring baby birds that they found on the ground TO HER!. She would feed it and take care of it. She was probably hipper, cooler, and more with it than I gave her credit for. I also have to say that maybe as a daughter, I was a bit harder to get along with than my brothers. Mothers and daughters just clash by nature. I, of course, am learning that now.My mom (like my dad) loves me one hundred percent UNCONDITIONALLY! And that is alot more than I can say for most parents.

I love my parents more than the sun, moon and stars! They don't embarrass me anymore.

They can't!

They just can't!

I am an adult!

I am secure!

I am confid.......

Confiden........

Confident!........

Oh, wait a minute!!

Oh Shit!!!

Wait, my mom is on Facebook!

My reputation!

DID SHE JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH MY 7th GRADE BOYFRIEND????

Ohhhhhhh Nooooooooo, She Di'int!

Oh My God!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

Did she just comment on my 7th grade boyfriends picture that he posted 2 years ago (meaning that she has been spending the day 'creeping' on his old albums')

O.M.G.!!!!!

My daughters accuse me all the time of being a 'Facebook Creeper'
Me?
Not me, I am a cool mom!
Geez!

I am a teenager all over again, only I am not a teenager.I am a mature adult who appreciates my parents. Who loves my parents. I am incapable of being embarrassed..........DAMMIT......DAMMIT...

It is hard being older and mature! 

This is what I woke up to.
This is what I logged on to Facebook and saw this morning.

J.R.s Facebook Wall

J.R.'s Mom- Made a comment on 'J.R.s childhood boyfriends photo'

 Comment to a picture my off and on junior high/high school boyfriend posted of himself from Junior High.A YEAR AGO!! MOM, You creepin much??
You just became friends with him 2. 5 hours ago woman! 

WOW! Thanks Mom! Love you too! Facebook is NOT private ya know! Your last name??? Well, it was my last name all through school...........Yup!!! Everyone will know who your 'winky face' is talking about!

Ugghhh

You are a Cool Mom
You are a Cool Mom
Everyone Likes you
Everyone Likes You
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths

Speed Dial Therapist
Speed Dial Therapist

Fuck , I don't have a Therapist
Xanax
Xanax

Xanax downed with Pear Cider

I don't have Xanax.......Ugghhh, I wish I did!

O.K. Deep Breaths.
Calming down
I'm Calm


You are a cool mom!

I'm sleepy


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* I called my mom this morning

My dad answered

I started off the conversation saying "Dad, you remember in junior high when you paddled your longboard over to ***** and said "Hi, I'm J.R.'s dad!Just wanted to introduce myself"

"Yes! How could I forget? I 'ruined your life' that day. What about it?

"Well, you need to tell my mother she's killin me! That woman is killin me!"

"What did your mom do?"

"She commented on *****'s photo on Facebook!"

"Oh, well I can't control what she does on Facebook. Here let me hand the phone to her."

I hear laughs, mumbles, and more laughs

They think this is funny??

"Mom?"

"Uh, Oh, what did I do?"

All of a sudden I didn't have the heart.

All of a sudden I did not want to lecture my mom on embarrassing me.

All of a sudden a thought came into the forefront of my brain.

All of the people over the years that have told me,mentioned to me, or confided in me how much they really liked my parents growing up.

Including ***** my junior high boyfriend.

My mom is cool!

She has lived a long life, and most of that life she has had to endure me.

So I can endure her.

Why?

Because I would never want to wake up to a day where I didn't have her to endure,

Or love.

Happy 4th of July Everybody!

Hello Officer, can I take a picture with all of your DUI checkpointy stuff?

B is driving! Not licensed on her own kind of driving,but learners permit, driving around town with mom kind of driving.

We had a crazy day at the DMV. When is the DMV not crazy??

Got her permit, waited in the parking lot of the Junior College in our city for her first session of behind the wheel training.

We waited
and waited

and
waited

and waited
(o.k. we only waited 3 minutes, but it seemed longer, and the driver wasn't there yet) 

Realized we were supposed to be waiting in the parking lot at a High School in the next town over.

Ooops, my bad!

Called the Community College Course Administrative office, and prayed they would answer...

Yes! They answered

"Ummmm, I am waiting for our instructor. Are we in the wrong parking lot?"

Few minutes on hold

"Yes, hello, you are not just in the wrong lot, you are at the wrong school"

SHIT WE ARE LATE!!
HAULING ASS FROM ONE PLACE TO THE NEXT!

ALL THE WHILE EXPLAINING-

"Don't ever drive like me!!!!!! We are just late, and I have to drive fast.....and run yellow lights.....and not make complete stops.....and ........ Just do what I say, not what I do!"

B's first 2 hour course runs smooth. The driving instructor gives me a few pointers on how to teach her while I am driving with her, we nod, and take off. I let her drive home,and she reminds me about the bonfire I am to drop her off at.

I think to myself:

ENOUGH with the F*ing Bonfires already!!! My teen girls are killing me with their summertime bonfires!

Drop her off at 6!

Pick her up at 9:30

(secretly get there at 9:15, park ever so stealthlike, spy on her and boyfriend to make sure there is no lifeguard tower makeout sessions going on)
*Oh, for my regular readers, Yes, B has a new boyfriend. He is actually quite nice. But even the nice ones want to do 'not nice' things with my daughter, so I will still take on the roll of being a blocker. And what am I blocking  you ask?
It rhymes with block! That is what I am blocking! Enough said!

Get caught trying to spy on her, but she gets caught when I ask
"Where is the fire, and where is the dad that was supposed to be there?"

The silent treatment goes on for about two minutes, until I say

"Hey, I forgot you had your permit! You drive home!"

"Me? O.K."

smiles

"Do you want to take the coast the whole way, then cut through the neighborhoods? Or do you want to take the coast part way, then try your hand at the O Boulevard. Practice with a bit of traffic, and street lights?"

"I'll take O Boulevard. Might as well"

"O.K. good!"

"Turn left here, stay in the right lane, when you come up over the hill, past the 7-eleven you will.............OH   MY    GOD! How funny......."

"WHAT??WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?? What are all of these cones??What is going on? What are all those lights? WHAT DO I DO?? WHAT DO I DO?? DO I STOP???"

"Oh My God B, welcome to your first DUI checkpoint! And this is a major one! O.K. slowly merge ov..... OVER......O.K. Well that wasn't really a merge, you didn't even look over your shoulder."

"I'm nervous!"

"Why? Are you drunk?"

"NO!! GOD!!!"


"I know honey, I'm kidding.Now just watch the cop ahead, he is going to wave each person through, but he may stop you. I have your permit right here. You would roll down the window, but I can lean over and talk if you want. OOOHHH, let me get my phone out. If he does talk with you, I'm gonna ask to take a picture."

"I'm freaking out. He's waving his light, what does that mean? Do I go? Do I stop?"

Needless to say she was not told to pull to the side. Our sobriety was not tested. I did not get a picture for her scrapbook. Does the scrapbook supply store even sell 'My First DUI Checkpoint' stickers, emblems, and supplies? 

I am surprised we were not asked to pull aside. You have a 15 1/2 year old who merged in the most illegal manner, about 10 feet from the checkpoint, and then again 10 feet after the checkpoint.All the while clutching the wheel, looking like a cracked out deer in headlights. You have a mom searching for her cell phone, all the while giggling like a hyena, and a 13 year old in the back seat rolling the window down to stick her head out and stare at all the drunks that were pulled over. 

"Darn, I really wanted to take a picture. I sooo wished he would have asked you to pull over"

"Mom, you are a freak!"

Fun times ahead for this mom, and her eager to drive daughter.

Fun times ahead.......................

* I started this post last Saturday morning. Since then we had a little scare with a panicked permit driver, 'accidentally' stepping on the gas instead of the brake. I may turn that moment into it's own post, or I may squash it. As of now she is a bit shaken, a bit embarrassed, and a bit worried that we are going to tell everyone about what happened.

No Honey!

I would never tell anybody that you gassed it, flew over the curb, and only pressed on the brake 2 inches before hitting the retaining wall next to the palm tree. I will not dedicate a post to that spine tingling, chilling moment where our lives flashed before our eyes, and I started to doubt letting you have your license. 

No, that is private family stuff.

You just keep practicing B. Six months of driving with your permit, and you are going to be a seasoned pro.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

Dear DMV,

Hi. My name is J.R. In six months I will be bringing my sweet, eager, anxious 16 year old daughter in to your office, where she will nervously be testing for her drivers license. I would like to ask you to please fail her. Fail her, and keep failing her! My life flashed before my eyes today, and I am starting to think that carpools, driving to and from bonfires, movie theaters, parties, shopping malls, and concerts is not so bad. I don't need her to drive herself. She can wait.

Don't be too harsh on her, but make it realistic, and never, ever tell her that I bribed you or paid you off. This is between you and me Mr. DMV driving tester guy! Our little secret!

Sincerely,

J.R.

Moms Against Teenagers Being Allowed to Drive

M.A.T.B.A.D.

o.k. the last three initials spell out B A D! BAD!! Is that a sign?

My Little Motley Crew of Children.....Don't you know that I know what you are doing?

This post is just going to be a list of things my kids do, that they think I don't notice,won't notice, don't understand, won't find out, or will just plain go over my head.

Maybe some of it does, but most of it doesn't.

Even if I am the only one who reads this post, I will atleast have record of it, so that when my kids are parents complaining about their teens sneaky ways, I can bust this out.

BAM!
IN YOUR FACE!

Look at all of the stuff you guys pulled!!!!

Now stop complaining!

PAYBACK IS A MOTHA !!!..

• When the time restrictions we have set on your cell phone cause it to turn off at 10 p.m. on school nights, DON'T for one second think that I can't hear you tip toeing downstairs to grab the house phone to continue your phone conversation with your boyfriend. BED AT TEN means BED AT TEN! I hear you! I know what you are doing! Now you wonder why the house phone is hidden??? Love you too honey ;)
• Those Brazilian Cut Bikini Bottoms I found hidden under a towel in your bathroom? They are about a centimeter away from being considered THONG bottoms! When I asked you where you got them, you gave me your best friends name. Really?! Your B.F.F.!! Couldn't think of a random friend? A friend that we don't think of as a daughter.A friend we don't care about? Can't you make up a name? Get with it girl!! And when I tell you to give them back to the B.F.F. (who must think highly of her bootie), and that they are never to grace your bottom again, don't try to STILL KEEP THEM!! Don't sneak and wear them anyway. We grew up in this beach town. Your grandfather is a surfer! We have spies up and down the coast!  I feel a one piece swimsuit punishment coming up........I have a cute one piece from Old Navy that I wore right after my pregnancy.YUP! That'll do just fine. 
• When it is your dish night, don't purposely "forget" to start the dishwasher, so that you won't have to put them away before bed. I know what you did! I will just make you do them the next day, not your sister!
• Don't try to trick me into thinking I forgot to give you allowance, just because you overheard me telling your dad that I have been really forgetful lately. Eavesdropping is RUDE! Tricking aging mothers?? Just plain AWFUL! What is my name again??
• Don't ask me if you can go stay the night at a friends house on a school night because 'you have to get your school project done'. I just checked the school website, and partners were not assigned for that report! I know it is just because Kaley has new makeup, and super cute clothes that you want to borrow! 
• Son, don't tell me that pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of your car are "my friends, I swear mom" Every time you come home, I pretend to take the trash out, but really I spend about 10 minutes peering through the windows of your car scanning the seats and floorboards for illegal substances,empty beer cans, condom wrappers, and cigarettes! You are 18, yes! But you are still my baby! Make good choices. They belong to a friend MY ASS!
• Don't tell me that the parents are going to be at this end of the year party. The party you just informed me about. The party that is taking place at your "Super Cool" new friends house; which,by the way, shouldn't I have heard of this 'good friend'? New friends scare me!  A 23 year old, older brother is not parental supervision. What? What's that? How did I know about that? Well, I keep telling you nothing is private when you put it on Facebook! 
• And you, my little five year old. I know you have teen siblings, but don't use them as an excuse for everything. 'B made me laugh mama, and that is why I can't clean my room!' Ummm, what? That doesn't even get an 'A' for effort. That gets an 'F' for Fricking Ridiculous! That excuse is just plain sad. Weeping into my pillow sad! Learn better from your older siblings little girl. Take better notes on the art of lying, teenage trickery, and fooling your parents. But then after you take all of those notes..

THROW THEM IN THE TRASH!

They won't work!


WHY?

I was a teen also.

Times were different, but the drive for independence  is still the same!

You will test me,

and I will choose my battles.

Certain times I will let you learn your own lesson, but,

other times I will  bug you, nag you, lock you in your room if needed. 

Because I have been there, and when it comes down to it I want you to have fun!

I want you to have stories to tell!

I don't want to make this home a jail!

But I will protect your innocence and childhood for as long as I can.

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!

I love you so much that I may surprise you with that iphone you have been begging for.

WHY?

Because you are such a good kid!

Because I am such an awesome mom!

OH GOD, just kidding!
You are not that great of a kid, and I am not that awesome (well, I am a bit of an awesome mom..)

NOPE!

SORRY KID!

Because you will be driving soon. And with a smart phone we can install GPS, Parent/Child tracker, and that app I heard about that stops your phone from texting when your car is in motion.

But you can think it is just because I am an awesome mom! 

Yes, times sure are different!

The only thing to distract me when driving was deciding
which cassette tape to listen to.

Now do the dishes, grab me the scissors so I can cut up those bikini bottoms, let your super cool friend know that you will not be making the party, tell your boyfriend to start calling you earlier in the night (bedtime is at 10 for goodness sake), DO NOT smoke cigarettes, drink beer, do drugs,or have sex.
And you, my five year old! Please just pick up your Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops! Please, for the last time! PLEASE!! Oh, and don't think I won't look under your bed. That is not where your toys go!

I was a kid once too ;)

He said WHAT? I'm a M.I.L.F.????

O.K. so I wrote about my daughter getting her heart broken by a nimrod. Although I had promised her that through my blogging life, I would never say that anyone broke her heart. So for the reputation of my daughter,she broke his heart, wink wink!!

So, J Man SUCKS!!
J Man is a little Dweeb!
J Man is a Bleeping, bleeper, bleep, Bleep, Bleeping BLeep! !!!!!

                                                                      

WOW!!!! I FEEL BETTER. Apologies for the potty mouth. This mouth just really needed to go potty on the matter.

J Man is someones son, so for that I will stop calling him names. But he broke her heart in between classes. Couldn't even wait until lunch. Really??!!??

And as her heart was breaking, the wall was starting to crumble.

The wall of secrets.

The little things she kept inside while she was dating him, 

but now she will admit.

He had a bit of a jealousy issue.

I already called that one, and was keeping my eye on it

He blamed us (my husband and I) for a lot of stuff.

a.k.a  - .

we are the ultimate Cock Blockers. Sorry buddy..... 3 daughters.......

You bet your ass we are blocking!

Sometimes his breath smelled.

Well, ummm, can't help you on that one. Buy your next boyfriend some gum!?

She was embarrassed by some of his outfits.

Unless you are dating a fashionable gay man,(which is a secret strange dream of mine) welcome to the male species. We spend our life embarrassed by some of their outfit choices, and trying to turn them into our very own paper dolls.

'Are you really going to wear shorts out to dinner?'

See!

But the number one secret......

The topper.......

The ice cream on the cake.....

The cherry on the sundae.....

"He said you were a M.I.L.F."

He WHAT!!???

"He said it a few times"

A M.I.L.F.??!!

"Yeah!"

Ummm, o.k.

"I said to him 'what if I said that about your dad'? So he stopped saying it....... Kinda"

WOW! YUCK!

I mean I know your brothers friends have said it to him before....... But I didn't think you girls had to hear it! I mean boys are always egging each other. But your boyfriend? Ewww!

Then I tried to think back to the times I was around J man. Were my pants to tight, was my cleavage showing? Did I open the door accidentally in my bra and underwear?? - the answer is 'NO' , I was just going down the list of possibilities.

Most of the time when I was around him, I was in sweatpants, slippers, jeans, whatever.

Most of the time I was picking them up from a movie at 10:00 p.m. I did not step foot out of the car.

Do I exude M.I.L.Fness from my eyeballs while looking into the rear view mirror asking him if I turn right or left to get into his neighborhood?

Did I exude M.I.L.Fness while standing on the front porch of his house, speaking to his parents to make sure they were going to be home the whole time that the kids were going to be 'studying'?

Did I exude M.I.L.Fness while my husband and I sat on the couch with Jman and my daughter, lecturing them on taking things slow, having respect for our daughter, and the rules of dating our daughter. Was I just super MILFy then??

Should I change my last name to Robinson?

Jman is gone!

Her heart has healed!

I am a M.I.L.F.!

GROSS!!!

* is it o.k. if there was a teeny, tiny, eensy, weensy, itty, bitty, super duper minuscule, ultra microscopic part of me that was a wee bit flattered?

NO? That is not o.k.?             

O.K. I take it back! 

Gross!

Disgusting!

Down right disrespectful!

HORRIBLE!

AWFUL!!

BLEH!

Good Riddance J Man!

Good RIDDANCE!!



* Originally the 'Bleeping Bleeps' were actual BAD words! But I had thought about it, and I have a son. I don't want any mom of a daughter calling him those names. 
Did I like Jman? NO
Did I approve of some of his actions? NO
Was he probably just being a typical teenage boy? Well, I guess.
So I turned the bad words into bleeps. Not because I don't cuss. But because I did not feel good cussing out a 16 year old boy. 
Now, if a boy ever lays a hand on my daughter, or is verbally abusive. 
IT IS ON!!!!!! 
No Censoring my feelings on that one!