Four year olds bring great joy! Teenagers bring on therapist bills.....

Four year olds bring great joy! Teenagers bring on therapy bills.....

Conversation with a 12 year old pre-teen-

"You have too much makeup on! You are only 12"

"No I don't, this is how everybody looks."
"I said you could wear clear lip gloss and light mascara in Junior High. Not all of this!!"
"All of WHAT?? This is what EVERYBODY wears!" 

"Well does everybody look like an Oompa Loompa with ORANGE foundation?"

Conversation with a 14 year old teen-

"Bbbbbb,  Get in here right now! What is this picture on Facebook? Why are you posing like that? How many times have I said NO sexy poses?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, 'WHAT DO I MEAN' ??!!!??You know what I mean, because I have only explained it like 50 MILLION TIMES! No standing in the mirror taking pictures of yourself in your bikini!!!!!"

"Oh"
"OH?!? OH MY A**!!"

Conversation with a 16 year old son
"God Mom, I'm so glad I don't stress you out as much as the girls do!........By the way, can I borrow your car?"
-silence-

Conversation with an Angelic, Sent from Heaven 4 year old 
"I love you Baby Bear!"
"I love you too mommy. You are the bestest mommy ever."

 Oompa Loompa, Lolita,and Eddie Haskells Long Lost Cousin would probably be pretty pissed to know that I wrote about them in my blog.Although if I ever become rich and famous, it would definitely help ease their pain.

**Since this post was first written, the 4 year old is now 6, and yes she is still a flipping JOY!
The 12 year old is 14 going on 25 and I am happy to report she has learned proper makeup application.
The 14 year old is now a 16 year old newly licensed driver;she has deleted her Facebook because 'it isn't really cool anymore, and she is so over it' (and has matured beyond mirrored self pics)and she is being stalked by Mom and Dad! Read about that here.
The 16 year old is now 18, has graduated high school,has a car of his own (thanks to the money lent to him by every living family member every time that hunk of junk breaks down) ,is working at a movie theater and signing up for some general ed classes at the junior college. 

**END NOTE- I love my kids! There are some straight A report cards coming through, major help with chores, and family unity that makes me proud.But goodness gracious, when they want to act up,it sure does help out with the blog material. Not to mention the stand up comedy routine that I have been writing since I was 7 years old imitating Gildna Radner on Saturday Night Live.

J.R. explains herself with a loooooooonnnnnggggg post with pictures, learns to stop yelling, and tries to toughen up her sensitive side.

*Warning, there may be typos. I don't feel like proof reading myself. :)

So Marianne commented on one of my last posts, asking where I was, and it made me realize 'SHIT' I really have been ignoring my blog.I am sure you all have been there. One day passes, then 3 days, then a week, then 2 weeks, then a month, and next thing you know you are like ....
Crap, what story should I choose to write about?So much shit has happened in the last month.

But, I let too much time go by, and then every time I would turn on my laptop, and log onto my blog I found myself just staring blankly. I wasn't sure where to start, or which daily life story I should rewrite into a funny post. So I would just turn my computer off, and tell myself that I was going to try again the next day. Now it has been a couple months.

Besides a bit of writers block, or finger laziness, whatever ya wanna call it. I have been busy working on me. I tell my stories to make people chuckle. But sometimes woven in these funny posts are little bits of truths that never quite make it to the page. 

Some parts of J.R. that I don't always write about, I will list out here.

• I am SUPER SENSITIVE, to a fault. I am learning to be stronger, more confident, and less worried what people think about me.I was even feeling bad that, besides not writing any blog posts, I wasn't reading any either. I started thinking, crap I haven't read or commented on ANY. So now if I comment on one, I need to comment on others too. "Oh Crap, NEVERMIND!"  My mom just told me a great saying "What people think about me is none of my business". True, True! So besides co workers, associates, or people on the street, I was putting my teen girls in that category. I was treating them like PEOPLE that don't like me, rather than just hormonal, teen daughters that (by the laws of nature) aren't always going to show that they love their mom. I know they love me, I was just trying too hard, then when I didn't get anything in return, I would BLOW UP!!! 

• The teenage years (mostly with my girls) reeeeaaaaallllyyyy threw me for a loop. Boom!!! I'm dealing with attitudes, eye rolls, and dislike from little girls that used to worship the ground that I walked on. It was hard, and I wasn't handling it very well. I have always been an extremely patient, fun loving, 'glad to be alive' kind of mom. But I found myself losing my patience, NOT being fun loving, and to be honest I wasn't feelin very 'glad to be alive' . I was so wrapped up in the teenage angst, I wasn't even enjoying my beautiful, happy 6 year old who was right under my nose. 
• My son (who is 19 now) decided to move in with my ex husband when he was 15. I am the type of person who has things mapped out in my head, and that is the way it is going to happen. My map showed me having the kids live with me, going to school where I live, me making them breakfast, lunch and dinner, knowing every in and out of their day, me being in charge, being the one that signs their papers for school, having their friends over, and just being the overbearing, caring, maternal MOM that I am. Then one night my son sat me down, and said "I need to talk to you mom" and instantly my heart was crushed. I always knew that maybe one day he'd want to try living with his dad, but it still hurt like hell. To this day I still tear up when talking about it. Something about the bond of a mother and son that is irreplaceable.He is only about 1/2 hour away up the freeway, but it wasn't the same. His school papers, report card, and car registration were now being sent to a different address. Instead of meeting his new friends directly I was hearing about them on the phone, or scheduling to take him to lunch so that I could listen to him about how he liked his new High School. Sometimes I would then think to myself "Wow, this must be what my ex husband felt like all these years" Never quite 'in the loop' with every little daily thing. I learned from a therapist that even years later, the fact that I was crying about it still, was because I was almost in a state of mourning. Mourning the 'loss' of my son, even though he was still here. Made sense.  **Want to know a secret that has helped me feel a bit better about it?-- Years have passed, he is out of HS, works, has a girlfriend and is busy. If he did live with me I'd probably want to kick him out. He is a bit lazy, doesn't save any of his paychecks, has attitude when my ex asks him to help with chores around the house,(from what I hear)  and his room is an absolute PIGSTY!! So from afar, I can keep him on that 'Mama's Boy' Pedestal. I like him better that way. 

• We are a blended family. A his, hers and ours. But I have never made that a focus of my blog, because it would have taken on a life of it's own.C (19 yr. old son) and K (15 yr. old daughter) are mine from my previous marriage. B, (16 yr. old daughter) is my husbands from his previous marriage. He had full custody of her, and I came into her life when she was 7 so basically besides not sharing the same blood, she is my daughter. My two older children see their dad, we get along, all is good there. B just started seeing her mom again after many years. I get along with her mom because I feel (and always felt) that she has a good heart, she just lost her way a bit.  And together we have Ki, our 6 year old daughter. Divorce is hard on kids, it is just a fact. I have even spoken to a therapist who assured me that 'Kids bounce back' or 'Kids are more resilient than you think'  All true words, buuuuuttt..........I am sure in their little minds it just plain SUCKED ASS!! But here we are,we are a family, and that is all there is to it. I won't deny that it was hard at first, and it could have given me SOOOOOOO much blog material, but 9 years later we have it down. 

The 3 older kids,as we were starting to 'blend' our family together. 

And it's official, we are now 'blended'

                                   ......and Baby makes  'His, Hers and Ours'.

• I always worry about my kids. Is my son o.k.? Is he getting too serious with his girlfriend? Is he ever going to sign up for Junior College, or will he continue working at 'The Grill' forever? He is wasting his genius brain! His car barely runs, I told him to save money and he could buy my car (for a smoking deal) but he hasn't saved a dime. NOT A DIME! Is B o.k.? She is pretty serious with her boyfriend too. He is a GREAT kid, but sometimes I hear them bicker and think "What do 16 year olds have to bicker about? Certainly not mortgages, bank accounts, or kids?". Is that normal? Should I worry? She is frustrated because all of her friends know what they want to do after High School and she doesn't. I tell her that is o.k. She will figure it out, but secretly I was like that too. So I fell in love young, got pregnant, married and became a mom. I don't want my girls doing that. I want them to see the world. Live in an apartment with 4 other girls, eating Top Ramen, and scrounging money to rent a movie. K, my 15 year old is so hard on herself. To her it is straight A's or nothing. I have never been into putting heavy pressure on her, only talks that showed I believed in her. She will be a Sophomore next year, and has her life planned out. She wants to go to FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising). With her grades she could go to Fricken Harvard, not Fashion School. But the moment I show any lack of support, we butt heads and all hell breaks loose. So I am going with it for now. She wants to be a buyer and work in marketing. Hey, maybe she'll prove me wrong and become super successful. KI, our six year old has a heart of gold. I have been doing this weird thing lately where I look at her, then I look at the teens and I get teary eyed. Time flies, and it flies too fast. She will be one of them before I know it, and then I won't have that little girl that wants to snuggle with me 24/7. I won't be asked to color pictures with her, play Littlest Pet Shops, or hear about her day. I am more busy as a mom now then I was when my older kids were  young. I was the room mom for my sons' Kindergarten class, but I also did not work back then. For Ki now, I try to squeeze in some helping time on my day off, but that is also the day I schedule my Doctors appointments, errands, etc. One day she said to me;after hearing stories of my helping in C's class years ago, "Mama, it seems like you helped a lot more when C was in Miss R's class" Remember folks, I am SUPER SENSITIVE, so that sent me into a downward spiral into the black hole called The Mom Guilt's. Mom guilt sucks! 

I have spent the last year trying to get back to the positive, happy go lucky J.R. She was being overtaken by a worry wort, stress case. I am booting that worry wort out of here. She is not welcome. It was affecting me, my children and my relationships.

So I am takin a break, learning to just relax. How to count to ten, take deep breaths, and really be happy in the moment. All is going to be o.k.!

Here are a few things, in no order of importance, that will be keeping me busy for the summer.

Working on Channeling My Stress Elsewhere (as in channeling it OUT OF MY HOME) 

I was reading an article one day about a mom who was trying to work on NOT yelling at her kids so much. It rang true to me, because in the last few years I had turned into a yeller. Mostly at my teen daughters. When I read this article it really hit home. The woman wrote that she was a 'Good Mom' she really was, but she just yelled too much, and she knew it. She then suggested a blog that helped her.  It is called The Orange Rhino Challenge. I read it, and understood everything this mom was saying. I am happy to report my house has been 'Yell Free' for 22 days.  ~a couple of raised voice moments, but not the yelling that was making me disappointed in myself~22 days and counting. If I start to yell, my girls are supposed to look at me and say "Orange Rhino" and it kinda just disintegrates the whole tense atmosphere that had started to build. Yelling became my outlet for all of MY stress. I wasn't even really yelling at them anymore, I was just yelling to yell. They were just the catapult. I feel better already, and the best part is, my family is noticing.

Going on a Girls Trip to Palm Springs With My Teen Girls and Their Friends (Oh, and I surprised my mom, and I am bringing her along) 

I love Palm Springs. Have ever since my first girls trip over 10 years ago. A couple of years ago, I brought my teen girls for their first time, along with my BFF and her teen daughter. I figured I would go again this year, but with just my girls. Then one night, in a moment of hyperness, (or a moment of too much wine) I told the girls they could each bring a friend. Whatever, it'll be fun, and they won't forget it. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my parents getting older, and praying to God they have many more years on this earth with me. I love my parents more than the world. My mom doesn't really have any close girlfriends. I am her girlfriend, and that is a role I don't mind having. I love this woman for everything she has ever done for me. So I reserved an extra room for mom, told her to pack a bathing suit, and she's coming with us. She is so excited, and that makes me excited. My mom has always wanted to go to Ireland, and I don't think I will ever be able to afford to take her. But Palm Springs for four days I can do.  

This past weekend

I wrote this draft before going to Palm Springs. I can happily say, we just got back on Sunday and it was TERRIFIC!!! All the girls got along, my mom was in Heaven (especially since my daughters friends said she was "the coolest Mema ever"), the weather was great, the pool was refreshing and we all felt relaxed. ** Side Note- B's brand new iPhone got stolen from her bag at the pool. YUP, the one I wrote about in the paragraph above. People Suck! Thieves Suck, and that is it!! She learned a hard, disappointing lesson, and my husband is going to upgrade his old iPhone to a new one, and give her his old one. Watch your iPhones Kids, some people have sticky fingers. :(

CAMPING, BEACH, CAMPING,BOATING,RELAXING

We have a few camping trips set up in the next couple of months. One during Fourth of July week at a spot right on the Bay in San Diego, and another in September by the beach. 

In August my husband wants to take me to Catalina Island for our anniversary, via his fishing boat that has a bucket for a toilet.......I will keep my fingers crossed for that, and fill you in on how the bucket went. We have an old 1978 camper, it's old, but I love it. I sewed new curtains for it, and tore out the old wallpaper a few months ago, and now I can't wait to get in and CAMP!

This wallpaper HAD TO GO! Painted the walls white, and put up some beach inspired pictures.

New and Improved. No more old wallpaper, and handmade curtains.

B taking hubby for a ride in the Dinghy
A.K.A. - proving to him she knows how to 'Captain' it before she takes it out alone with friends.

WORKING
OH Yeah, I have a job too, but I won't write a paragraph about that. I'll be working , 'nuff said. BLAH! 

But when I get off of work, I come home and relax here.
See what I mean?
I need to slow down my thoughts, stop worrying, and just relax.
My kids are great, I'm great, my family is great, LIFE is great.
We are all gonna be o.k.
Everything happens for a reason, and we all learn by trial and error. 

My brain is on overdrive sometimes with funny things to say. Sometimes the funny in me wants to say really inappropriate things. That is why I loved blogging. I love twisting things and adding a dash of comedy.I love to laugh, and I seriously am addicted to trying to make others laugh too. I have no excuses for not following my dream of one day being on Saturday Night Live. I could say that it was because I got pregnant and married young, but that is just an excuse. Truth is, I like to dream, but I dream while my ass is on my couch. I am a dreamer,but not always a doer.I will be taking a break this summer, relaxing and pumping up my brain with Wit and Humor. Then I will be back, blogging with a comedic vengeance. 

I mean I was destined to be a funny gal.......

How could I not be funny????

How could I not grow up to love comedy??

How could I let down Lucille Ball who obviously saw something special in me as a baby??

WHAT? 

LUCILLE BALL??

Yes Folks. That is baby J.R. with none other than the famous Lucille Ball
After I finish my summer break, I will explain this picture that hangs proudly in my hallway. This was my 15 minutes of fame, and of course I was too young to remember any of it. 

Happy Summer! 

Enjoy the sunsets,

Hula Hoop in your yard,
Sit by a campfire, 
and 
LAUGH!

Beautiful 

Can she stay 6 years old forever? 

When there is no Hubby or  'Boy Scout' around to help make a proper fire, you just keep pouring lighter fluid on the darn thing. 

My son's chore list preserved like an ancient Egyptian artifact....only not ancient or Egyptian! Diggin Ho Ho Holes, Diggin!

Chores. Every young child's rite of passage.

 There are little everyday chores

• Dishes
• Sweeping
• Cleaning windows
• Folding towels

There are BIG weekend chores

• Mopping
• Wiping down baseboards
• Cleaning ceiling fans

Then there are the BIG, BIG weekend chores

• Yardwork - More specifically, and in my sons case; DIGGING HOLES for one of the many new palm trees that my husband would decide to bring home to add to our tropical landscaping.

"Can I go to Ty's house, and then over to Tanner's? After that we are probably going to meet up with everyone at the beach, and then........"

"Let me cut you off. Yes, you can do all of that. After you finish your chores."

The look in my son's eyes when the word CHORE was mentioned on an early Saturday morning was always one of fear. Even though he had been reminded and warned repeatedly that....

"Next Saturday, do not make any plans because you will be helping with some yard work." 

Yeah, kids have selective memory. Not to mention selective hearing, selective sight, selective everything!

"Great! Another Hole!All of my friends think you guys are like some weird slave drivers. Makin me dig holes all the time. Like the movie! I should just live in some boys juvenile camp,just digging holes all day!"

His bad attitude and borderline talking back was not appropriate,

but....

It sure did give us a good idea for his Christmas gag gift that year.

This still hangs in his room. Some memories are too precious to be packed away in a box.
Have you read the book or seen the movie?
My son loved both!

When you leave your work boots outside, and your parents tell you to bring them in the garage because rain is in the forecast. Don't think that "accidentally" forgetting them outside overnight, only to have them soaked through will get you out of digging the next day.

No sireee!!

Soak up as much rain as you can with these here paper towels, then grab two grocery bags, put them over your socks before slippin into your boots, and get digging! 

My son is 19 now, does not live with us anymore, so therefore does not have to endure the family chore list. My husband is the sole 'yardwork' guy now. I mean I of course help with some light weeding, light flower planting, light mulch placement, light.....well, you catch my drift.

The girls and I stick more to the inside stuff. 

But M was outside today planting another palm tree, and re mulching the planters and he came across this in the corner of the yard, behind one of the planters.

"10-23-08 Digging a hole again"
It was like finding old ancient carvings from 10,000 B.C.
Only it was from 2008, and it was from a pissed off teenager.


Of course hubby had to text me his find.
LMAO is right!
He then texted it to C, so that he could remember his good ol' hole digging days, and Laugh His A** Off!

10 most dangerous teen fads- I have 'Good Kids', and I know for a fact mine have tried atleast two of these

Here is a link to an article I read this morning on MSN. My kids always, and I mean ALWAYS make fun of me for quoting articles that I read. Mostly parenting articles. But oh well, too bad, sooooo sad!!
10 most dangerous teen fads

I remember when my son decided to move to Orange County with my ex husband. He was sixteen and wanted to try living with dad. Orange County is made up of a bit more money than what we have. So I immediately imagined my son at high school parties snorting Pure Cut Cocaine off of a $1,000,000 antique mirror, through a platinum and diamond encrusted blow straw. I mean, he was going to be hanging out with Rich Kids, while their parents were away jet setting around the world.
Then I read about 'Punch Bowl Parties'!! I immediately called him on the phone, and preached to him the dangers of digesting any colorful pill from a punch bowl.

The phone went dead

~Silence~

"C, you there? Did  you hear me? Be careful at parties, and stay away from pills in a punch bowl"

"Crap mom, seriously, you need to not read parenting articles off of the internet, and you especially need to trust me! In fact, mostly you just need to trust me! Pills out of a punch bowl?? I've never even heard of that. Maybe the people who write those articles are going to Pill Parties, huh?! Love ya mom, I gotta go! I'm gonna go smoke some crack............Kidding! Love ya Ma!"

So I laid off of the whole process of reading an article about some crazy teen party fad, and then instantly assuming my children were partaking. I stopped my obsession with the fact that my girls were going to go to slumber parties and 'choke each other till they passed out', or my son would be high fiving his buddies, after digesting a rainbow of pills belonging to some teen boys pill popping mom.

I have good kids. My son is right, I just need to trust them.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can breathe!

But you know what?

Even good kids make stupid mistakes.
Even good kids can have a lapse in judgment from time to time.
Even good kids can choose to make a 'not good' choice.

So if you click on the link 10 most dangerous teen fads and read through them, I will tell you this.

My 'Good Kids'? They have tried a couple of these.

The Ice Cube Salt trick? - My son. Thank god it didn't get infected, or worse.
The Cinnamon Challenge? -  My daughters friends post their videos on Facebook. Hacking, coughing, almost throwing up. My daughter (The one with the Straight A's, and in 2 Honors classes)  was grossed out and thought they were stupid. 3 months later she changed her mind. Had a sore throat and a cough for a while, and finally wondered out loud to me "I wonder if there is still Cinnamon in my throat?"  WTF was my first thought! Followed by a very long talk.
Passing out game? (not on this list, but....) -  Heard from a friend of a friend, of a friend that my daughter had tried this at a slumber party 2 years ago. My frail, skinny, tiny little daughter? All I imagined was her passing out, and never waking up.I approached her on the subject, and she admitted that her and her friend actually were the ones who did not want to really do it, so they teamed up and really only pretended to do it. I called the friends mom, and in the end we believe our daughters that they faked the choking. But as you are reading this, aren't you asking yourself - "FAKE CHOKING?? IS THIS EVEN A 'THING'? WTF" - Yeah, WTF, get's asked a lot around here. Sorry!
Synthetic Marijuana - My son who is now 19, and not so stupid,but every kid is stupid at some time, so I guess he is kinda stupid,  admitted to trying this once. His buddy had some, and he tried it. Didn't like it, end of story.

The list has quite a few that I am praying my children have not, and will never try.

Car surfing?? - Guess what, my husband has a scar on his chin, and  a piece of asphalt still imbedded into his knee from truck surfing as a teen.


I am not sure exactly what my point was when writing this post, but I think I can summarize a thought.

Every parent thinks they have good kids. (unless you obviously gave birth to the son of Satan,and you knew this because of the horns and tail), and most of us do have good kids.

My children really are 'good', even though they are teenagers. And I guess that brings me to my point.

TEENAGERS

They are thrown into a giant pool of pressure. Maybe not the peer pressure that exists in an after school special; remember those programs?

In fact, my kids laugh at me when I use the phrase 'peer pressure'. They say nobody acts like they do in the movies. There isn't a group that surrounds you, shoving a joint in your face, strong arming you and saying "Come on, all the cool kids are doing it! Don't you want to be cool too?"

So that kind of peer pressure may not be happening, but there is a stealth, hidden pressure that I think just exists. Teens are inundated every single second of their day by social media, and of course the friends that are soaking in the social media, and it just keeps going.

I can't be with them every single second of their day.

I can't follow them to every slumber party, or get together.

I can only keep talking to them, opening up conversation, and yes,

I can keep bringing up the articles I read.

Because maybe out of the twenty crazy things that I read about that teens all over the world are trying, 

my 'good kids' may be getting ready to try one. Or they already did, and they'd like to get it off of their chest.

For every bad choice they may make, they are making 50 more good choices, and for that I will praise my kids........but boy will I lecture or punish the hell out of them for that one bad choice.

Parenting is hard.

My parents worried that I would do drugs, drink and have sex.

Not that I would digest a spoonful of cinnamon while being choked, after digesting pills from a punch bowl, before going car surfing and downing a Robitussin concoction. 

A toast to parents, and just trying to make it through the teen years!

And a toast to the teens, because they really do have a lot comin at them from all directions. They are just trying to make it through as well.

Am I actually old enough to say "I miss the good ol' days"?

Should I steal toilet paper from the mall? Just this once?

So my girls had money and gift cards from Christmas, and they were burning a hole in their pockets.

They did not want to go to our same ol' boring, lame, tiny mall - quote from the teens, as I personally like our mall.

So I decided to take them to a mall about 30 minutes away. It has a few stores that our mall does not have, including a Nordstroms, H&M, and a 3 Story Target!!! 
3 Story Target? I'm sold.

We shopped, we ate in the food court, and we shopped some more. Six of us total, as I let the girls each invite a friend.

Back at the Food Court for our second time in the evening, we all sat there a bit run down looking. I am not the hugest shopper, but today I went full force, and I tell ya; This Mama was pooped!

"Hey Guys, I know we haven't even stepped foot in the giganticor (made up word) Target, but I am done for the night. I don't think I can walk another step."

BZZZZZ BZZZZZZ

"O.K. your dad just texted me. He needs us to stop and get toilet paper on the way home~SHIT! I am so tired, I don't want to have to go anywhere else"

And tired I was. After this conversation with the girls, I used the restroom in the food court and as I sat on the toilet, I actually contemplated just grabbing a roll from the stall and sticking it in my purse. 

I said CONTEMPLATED, not DID IT! But boy did I contemplate long and hard. I was just so tired, and just wanted to get home.Dam my moral compass!

"Come on girls, let's go. I'm exhausted, and we still are going to have to stop by the store for toilet paper."

BAM!

VOILA!!!!

WAIT! THEY HAVE A FREAKING 3 STORY TARGET INSIDE THE MALL!!!

TOILET PAPER!
YES!!

This is not a mall that we come to very often, and we were all a bit turned around.I swore that the Target was literally right next to the Nordstroms, which is where we parked. We could purchase the TP, head out the Target doors and be right at our car. 

Paid for the TP, and my oldest daughter grabbed it from the checker as I put my wallet back in my purse.

Finally heading home.

Wait! This isn't where we are parked.So we walk back into Target, and realize that we actually have to go out the Target doors, and back into the mall. Turn left, and head all the way down the first floor until we hit Nordstroms, then go through Nordstroms, and then we will be in the right parking lot.

Question: How long do you think it took my daughter to realize that she was holding the big bundle of Toilet Paper, and that she was going to have to carry it through the ENTIRE MALL?

Answer: About 2.6 seconds - "OH MY GOD!! Is anyone looking at me? I can't believe I'm carrying toilet paper through the mall. Why are you guys walking so fast, wait........" 

HOW TO STALK YOUR NEWLY LICENSED TEENAGE DAUGHTER, LESSON PLAN 1

Is that them? Is that the top of her car in the drive thru? It has to be. She loves McDonalds.

On Monday, December 10, 2012 at 8:43 a.m. our 16 year old daughter became a member of the Licensed Drivers Club.

On Monday, December 10, 2012 at 9:13 as her and our 14 year old pulled out of the DMV parking lot......my husband and I became members of the Parents Who Stalk Their Teens Club.

Part #1

Make sure you are staring all teary eyed and emotional at the CORRECT car in the McDonalds drive thru.

They had asked if they could get fast food breakfast, and then drive to school. We said 'yes'. They took off out of the lot, We got stuck at a red light.

We come down the hill of a major road and see them in the left turn lane, we think we are being slick going straight so that we can pull into the shopping center across the highway and stalk  lovingly watch as she orders her first real licensed driver Egg McMuffin.

Is that even her car? Wait, that isn't even her!!! Where are they?

Part #2

When you lose em, text the 14 year old passenger (never the driver) and nonchalantly ask if they have 'made it to school yet? Where did they wind up going to eat? Yada Yada'  Even though you know darn well they are still on the road, have not made it to school yet and 'wind up going to eat' is your way of asking 'WHERE ARE YOU EATING RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND????'

Success! 14 year old texts back saying

 "No, we are not at school yet. We came to Robertos, by the medical building." 

With screeching tires, we haul ass to Robertos. Breakfast Burritos; OF COURSE!  Surveillance under way!

Eventually they come out, (taking a bit of their sweet ol' time I have to say) and hopefully this is not a pre-cursor to their days of ditching. 

A few miles into it we catch up to them. It was a bit hard to try to stay hidden behind her, as she was thankfully driving a bit cautious and slow, and we couldn't keep stopping traffic just so that we could 'hang back, and not get caught stalking.'

They laughed at us in the rear view mirror at the red light before their school. I thought we would have U-turned to head home at that point, but hubby won the 'Crazy Parent Award' (an award usually saved for good ol' super freak mom)and followed them all the way into the student parking lot. Made sure she parked o.k., reminded her that she is now in charge of not only her life, but her sisters (No pressure put on her at all) blew her a kiss, gave a thumbs up and we took off.

Part #3

This lesson has nothing to do with stalking, but just a lesson on the Parents Place in the Pyramid of teenageland!

Once you are no longer needed to be the 25 and older driver of a 'Permit Carrying' Teen, you are no longer needed to be in the front seat. 

What happens when you say you want to go to the Dollar Tree?

B grabs her keys and says 

"I'll take you"

You smile and say

"How nice! Now you get to Chauffeur me around"

You walk out into the cold evening air with your 16 year old and 14 year old...

You automatically reach for the front seat passenger handle, and are greeted with a

"ummmm, K is going to sit up front with me. She is the D.J. of the stereo. Plus......you don't have to sit up front and help me anymore......... I have my actual license now"

This is my back seat view of B's car.
And I think they are getting a kick out of it.

I am worried about my pal Kim Kardashian

Poor Kimberly.

Did you see the episode where Kanye comes in and has his stylist 'makeover' Kim's wardrobe? Calling some of her items ghetto.

She is left with a bare closet. So basically she has gone from one mistake to another. A guy who wants to change her. Only she says she is doing it because she is evolving, and changing herself.

Uhhhhhhhhh, Kim, that is not what it looked like from my point of view - my point of view being from my cozy bed with a nightcap, and a grumbling husband who complains about my choice in television viewing. Sorry Honey, but I am a sucker for reality. Any reality, even if it is semi scripted and fake. How do those Kardashian girls get their hair so shiny?

So it had me thinking. In a way we all change a bit when we start dating someone. Maybe we don't throw the entire contents of our closet away, but we all do something. Even if we don't notice that we are doing it.

When I first started dating my husband, I overheard him say something about how some girls look cute wearing jean overalls with tank tops. (Maybe he had some farm girl fantasy, I don't know) So what did I do? Ohhhhh, I just happened to dig out my Old Navy jean overalls, a little white tank top and just happened to wear them on one of our desert dirt bike trips. I HATED THOSE OVERALLS!!!!!! But I sure rocked the hell out of them that weekend. I also pretended to like the Lakers, even choosing my favorite player. I acted like I knew who the Dead Kennedys were (a Punk band, I don't like punk at all)
Eventually the overalls stopped seeing the light of day, I started complaining when he played his music too loud, and now I go upstairs and read while he sits downstairs alone watching The Lakers.

My daughter is on boyfriend #3 right now. I have watched (or should I say listened) to her style in music change with each boy.
Boy #1 had diamond earrings, and even though he was as white as can be, had a bit of a hip hop tone to his voice.So of course, what was blaring from her stereo for 7 months? You guessed it.......Hip Hop and Rap!
Boy #2 different boy, different music. He didn't last long, so his style of music has already been forgotten.
Boy #3- We love boy 3. He is part of the family. They have known each other for a long time. They have always been friends, but then it grew. He is respectful, kind, and helped me bring in groceries from Costco the other day. He is a keeper. But I have now watched her change again. Not major changes, just minor enough for a mom who was once a teenage girl herself, to notice. Hipster,mellow music now plays from her ipod.When asked how she discovered this band, she says "oh, I have loved them for a while"- Well, that is not what I heard when I was eavesdropping on you and your sisters conversation. A conversation that went a little something like this.

B- 'I love the Lumineers'

K- 'Me too'

B- 'I am so glad boy #3 showed me who they were.'

K- 'Me too! Hey, put on that other song he played for you.'

B-' Oh yeah, they are my new favorite band too. Just so peaceful, ya know?'

K-'Yeah, I know'

B-'What are you wearing to school tomorrow?'

K-'I don't know, you?'

B-' I don't know, boy #3 likes those brown boots I wore the other day, so probably those'


I got to go, I just realized what time it is and I was going to try to paint my nails before work. I overheard my hubby saying he likes red nail polish on women, so..................................

Be yourself
Be Happy

But sometimes it is o.k. to be a tiny bit of the person your mate wants you to be. We all know us women are experts at trying to change our men;short of cutting their balls off.
I guess I can dust off some overalls, wear some red nail polish, and listen to one punk song, while watching sports. ;)

'THE' Overalls

But don't ever, EVER ask me to give away my wardrobe. That is where I would draw the line, for myself and my daughters.

**So it is o.k. if my daughter changes her tunes, and sports her brown boots. But if I start seeing her 'true inner spirit' start to change. We will have problems. On a positive note, boy #3 is awesome, and in all seriousness he has always liked her just for being her. I could spot his crush from twenty miles away, even when she didn't even realize it was going on. I don't think he wants to change anything about her, and that is fine with me. Although I could stand for him to tell her she needs to keep up on the dishes and cat box. Hey, help a mama out boy!



Happy Tuesday!

Does this frazzled, stressed out look make me look fat?

I am frazzled!

But not like frazzled beyond belief.....
Not frazzled, like 10 kids, 4 quintuplets, lost job, no income, living on the streets, kind of frazzled.

Just normal frazzled.

If I did have quintuplets, I guess I would feel like I have a right to complain.

But I don't.

But what I do have is this-

An 18 year old son who has graduated,and doesn't really need me, but I can't seem to let go of him. I want to baby him, take care of him, and have control of his life. But I don't!
I haven't for a while.

I have a 15 1/2 (almost 16) year old daughter who is 'in love' for the 3rd time (this time 'for real') and she needs a ride EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a 14 year old who just started high school as a freshman, and is trying to keep up with the 15 1/2 year old junior. She is a bit 'lost', yet somehow mature, and intelligent beyond her years.

I have a 5 year old who is really the only one who tells me she loves me anymore.

The teens only say 'I love you' as I am giving them money, or rides, or the answer they want to hear (which is YES!) In defense of the teens, they are not awful. They are not spoiled brats who just came off of the set of My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. I just condense it for the blog world. There are still hugs. There is still love. But, boy oh boy, raising teen daughters is giving me a run for my money. 

The job that I have had for almost 12 years is getting 'boring' to me.Not to mention changing directions. A direction that I am hoping I can keep up with. They are a family. I love them, but I love being creative. I love writing, crafting, painting, creating, and especially making people laugh. My dream has always been to be on Saturday Night Live. I work in an office. Not in a crafty live t.v studio set, based somewhere in New York City.

 Is it o.k. to secretly wish that I was one of those "Make A Wish Kids" and that I could make a wish to star on one episode of SNL?..............................DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!! I have the answer.It is horrible to think that, as we all know that the Make a Wish Children deserve it! Me? I am a 38 year old healthy woman who just wishes that I could 'Make A Wish'. But in no way do I actually deserve to Make A Wish and have it come true.

Blah!

Blah!

Blah!

In recent news, I handed over control of the teen girls to my husband. All of the taking advantage that they were doing was really getting to me. I think it has helped.

It felt so good to rest in my air-conditioned room the other evening while I heard this as I was eavesdropping   trying to brush my teeth-

Dad- "So, you got it???The rules are the rules! Your mom needs a break, so you will now be calling me for rides. You will call me when you want to go somewhere after school! You will call me if you want to have a friend come over! AND IF I SAY NO, IT IS NO!!!!"

Girls- "But....But............."

Dad- "But, BUT NOTHING!"

Girls- "But, what if I need to get aho?????????"

Dad- " Ahold of what??? Ahold of me???? If I answer, Great!!!! If I am up on a 20 foot scaffold with a hammer in my hand, and can't answer the phone.......well then the answer is 'NO' N...O...! GOT IT? Great, good night!!!"


Why is it so much easier for him?

Why is he able to just 'shush' them, and walk away?

Why are high waisted shorts back in style? Oh off subject!

Sometimes these girls are my confidantes!
Sometimes they are my buddies!
Sometimes they need their mommy!
Sometimes they hug me, and make me feel like the most loved mom ever!

But.....
Sometimes they are just teen girls

And
Sometimes, I have to remember I was a teen girl once too
And hopefully one day, they will be back on my shoulder.Crying, and laughing.Confiding, talking, and loving!

For now I have this

A five year old just wants to be with her Mama!
A five year old tells her Mom "Mama, you are the prettiest, best Mama EVER!"
Can I just keep producing five year olds? 

A five year old who has no idea what Facebook is (o.k. she does, but she doesn't have one)
She doesn't know that having a mom is embarrassing! In fact, quite the opposite. She wants 'Mama' to stay with her all day at school, and never leave. She doesn't make me drop her off down the street, and around the corner, all the while pretending I don't exist.
She doesn't show discomfort when I hug her, squeeze her, or grab her little booty! Sorry, but little booties are sooo cute!
She doesn't want to slam her door shut! She wants it open
She doesn't want to sleep in her room, forgetting to say goodnight because she is too busy on her phone.She wants to sleep in bed with Mommy and Daddy.

Which makes me think..............

Parenting is just one big mess of confusion.
You spend so long waiting till' the 'next stage', only to curse it.
You put so much thought into how you can do everything right, only to have it backfire on you.
You want them out of your hair, out of your room, out of your bed, to hurry up, to shush, to give you a moment of peace, to give you just 'one second of silence', to please play the 'who can be the quietest game' for a bit more longer, to just LEAVE YOU ALONE!!!! You want all of this!

But then they get older, and you want them in your hair, in your room, wanting to sleep with you, slow it down, talk more, break the silence,not be so FRICKING QUIET. You want them to not be strangers.

I guess parents can't win.

We are all just doing the best we can.

My best really isn't too bad. Even my teens would begrudgingly agree!

I am going to end this post now, because this five year old has now rolled over, kicked me, and asked me in her sleep , to "turn down the light on my laptop".

See, this is where confusion sets in. I am now wishing she was a teen that wanted nothing to do with me, or my bed! 

Happy Labor Day everybody! As being a parent is one of the most laboring jobs there could be.

I would like to publicly apologize for.............

I have been a bad blogger.
I have been a bad blog reader.
I have been a bad blog comment leaver (yes it makes sense)


Why?

Because summer has been BUSY for me.

But I have not been bad at this:

Daughters 14th Birthday 'ROOM MAKEOVER'
I want to live in her room.

I have also not been bad at this:

Jello Shot Cantaloupes!
Healthy yet, 'FUN'

I have also been pretty good at this:

Sittin on the boat, relaxing, reading 50 Shades!

This has kept me pretty busy also:

Teachin my 15 1/2 year old how to drive.
'Keep Both Hands on the WHEEL!'

Havin a little fun too:

Surprised my older girls with a Demi Lovato concert at our local fair.
Then Fried Foods, Picture Booth Photos and Expensive rides afterwards!

Threw a graduation party for my son, and was busy hiding the booze from his friends:

No, I don't normally keep bottles of Tequila in my room, but when my grandpa comes over to me saying "Hey, that tall, loud one over there was sneakin in your booze" - Well, I had to start hiding! and taking keys away.

Summer also makes time for camping:

Hubby had a fishing tournament during our first scheduled camping trip. So it was Mama and the kids!
Girl Power! Started the fire, even had to put a plastic bag over my hand to unclog the sewer in the camper. Ugghhhhh!

An intertube, and the evening ocean!Entertaining for hours.

Daddy and his little buddy! Doing some night fishing in the surf.

Time for some unwinding with a margarita.

Just registered my youngest for Kindergarten. My older girls for their High School Classes. Working, BBQ'ing with family.
My 20th High School Reunion
School Shopping
Working
Checking on 18 year old son to make sure he is making good future choices - "What do you mean  you are going to hold off on taking some classes at the Junior College? Extending your summer a bit? WHAT?O.K. we will discuss this later! Yes,I love you too"
Getting mad at oldest teen daughter for trying to pull a fast one on us. - "Don't try to fool the masters little dear! Your dad and I were teens once too." 
My fourteen year old suddenly having the attitude of a prima donna! - "Who are  you? Where did you come from?"
My five year old wanting mommy to 'play with me.' every single second. - I am not sure how much more Littlest Pet Shop scenarios I can handle. 


I have been busy with just plain ol' family time. And it has felt good! It has been soothing, relaxing, fun! I love my kids! I love my husband, and right now, I am kinda lovin my life in general.

But school is starting soon, back to the old grind. Carpools, busy days, etc.

I will be back to blogging too, but right now, sunshine, beach, kids, husband and margaritas are taking precedence.

Cheers!

Here's to hoping that everyone has been having an AWESOME summer!

OH MY GOD - I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my god, WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME?"

"You ruined my LIFE!"

"You are soooooooooooo embarrassing!No other parents do that!"

"******'s mom buys her whatever clothes she wants!"

"*****'s parents just took her to Contempo Casuals and bought her a new cropped shirt! Why can't you be like them?"

"What?? WHAT??? You said 'hi' to the boy I like???I'm NEVER going to school again! EVER!!!"

"Drop me off at the corner! The cor.....what?? What are you doing? Why are you pulling up in front of the school? I said the cooooorrrrrnnnnnneeeerrrrrr.............Ugggggghhhhh! So embarrassing!"

"Mom, are you seriously going to pull over and ask that kid if he wants a ride? WHY? He is in my math class, and he is a weirdo? I don't care if it's raining, you are soooo EMBARRASSING!!"

"Why are you waving at them?Soooooo embarassing!"

"On restriction? Are you serious? There is a HUGE party on Friday and everybody is going! I swear I will never roll my eyes or talk back to you again!I promise! I am so sorry......You are the best parents in the world...........Can't I get off restriction on Thursday? What? WHY?......You are the WORST parents in the entire world."         SLAM- "Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door" - Yeah right, I DID mean to slam it!!!-     "What? Huh, I didn't say anything, I said 'I love you guys'"

"Wait! Dad, you are kidding me right? RIGHT? Did you really paddle your board over to a group of my guy friends out in the water, and ask which one was my boyfriend and then introduce yourself to him? Please tell me you are joking!............Yes it is a big deal..........I am going to kill myself. "  - SLAM- Door slams, "ha ha, let them think I'm in my room actually causing harm to myself".........................."umm, how come they are not checking on me?"..........."Don't they care?".....................UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

"Seriously Mom, when you pick my friends and I up from the mall, do we have to listen to Joan Baez, or Joni Mitchell, or the Neville Brothers, or whatever else you listen to? I am bringing my Kid n Play, or Rob Base cassette tapes!......Fine, compromise with my Pretty in Pink Soundtrack! Your music is so embarrassing, it is probably killing my friends ears."

Parents are certainly the most embarrassing people walking the face of the earth. Just ask any teenager, and you will see that the census sways in the direction of 'Parents just should not exist'

The above quotes?  They are all things that ......................

That.......

That I......

That I have heard from.......

That I have heard from my.....

That I have heard from my own two ears.

That I have heard from my own two ears,

Coming out of ........

Coming out of my OWN TWO LIPS!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am the awful teen that spouted these words of hate and rebellion!

Spouting them vehemently from my own two lips!

What a wretched teen I was!

They were all from me.

Yup, sweet, wonderful daughter, J.R.!

I was a good kid, really not too bad, but gosh I could be a brat. A BIG GIANT BRAT!!!!! I loved my parents, and still do, more than anything in the entire world. But everything, and I mean everything, was embarrassing to me. I guess looking back on it, maybe I struggled with some self esteem issues. Always doubting what was cool, what would be accepted. I wish I could go back in time and give the teenage me a bit more confidence. I was not unpopular, I was not unattractive, I was not anything that could be looked at as negative for a teen.In fact, I was semi popular. Dipping one foot in with the Uber popular kids, and one foot in to the wading pool of semi popular. Not too shabby actually.  I think I was just plain and simply a TEEN! That is it. 

Nowadays, I am pretty sure about myself. I am not really lacking in self confidence, other than the occasional normal stuff. 

These days my parents do not embarrass me, just for the fact that they are breathing.In fact I love and appreciate them so much, that to say they ever embarrassed me nowadays would almost feel sacrilegious, ungrateful, down right awful. When I was a teen, they were not even able to breathe-Good lord, how dare they breathe or exist? Geez! Don't they know I have my teenage life and reputation to uphold. But now I need, love, and admire them so much that they better keep on breathing. Dammit, don't they know they have a daughter to keep on keeping on for?

But what I have actually come to the realization of is this- My parents are actually considered to be 'Cool'! Don't tell them that though, don't need any big heads goin on. They are not, nor were they ever cool in the way of being 'those parents'. You know, the ones that let you drink, stay out all night, cover for you, and help you roll your first joint.When you are young, those are the 'Cool' parents. I would hear rumors of 'Those' parents existing, and think 'Why was I not born to them'?

Or those other kind of 'Cool Parents'- The rich ones! My mom did not take me shopping every weekend like other moms, and I did not have a wardrobe that was to die for thanks to my 'super young fashionable rich' mom. My dad wasn't the kind of 'Daddy' that made me out to be 'Daddy's Princess', buying me a car for my 16th Birthday or lavishing me with gifts,money, and material items. My mom did not wear makeup, or understand my need for getting to the drugstore because I was out of mousse, and that is considered an emergency for a girl with a spiral perm. 

I would not realize until years later, and I would run into people from high school, that my parents were just cool, because........well, just because they were just plain COOL! 

My dad is a wonderful man. Honest, true, kind hearted, dependable, responsible, loving, caring and kind. Not to mention he is a surfer! He has surfed at the same beach since he was a kid, and is definitely a respected local. But most of all, my dad loves me! He never made me feel less than. He never put unrealistic expectations on me. He never made me feel bad, guilty, or awful for mistakes that I made. My dad has always loved me unconditionally.

My mom is a wonderful woman. Nurturer, loving, caring, and kindness beyond belief. Neighborhood kids knew that they could bring baby birds that they found on the ground TO HER!. She would feed it and take care of it. She was probably hipper, cooler, and more with it than I gave her credit for. I also have to say that maybe as a daughter, I was a bit harder to get along with than my brothers. Mothers and daughters just clash by nature. I, of course, am learning that now.My mom (like my dad) loves me one hundred percent UNCONDITIONALLY! And that is alot more than I can say for most parents.

I love my parents more than the sun, moon and stars! They don't embarrass me anymore.

They can't!

They just can't!

I am an adult!

I am secure!

I am confid.......

Confiden........

Confident!........

Oh, wait a minute!!

Oh Shit!!!

Wait, my mom is on Facebook!

My reputation!

DID SHE JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH MY 7th GRADE BOYFRIEND????

Ohhhhhhh Nooooooooo, She Di'int!

Oh My God!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

Did she just comment on my 7th grade boyfriends picture that he posted 2 years ago (meaning that she has been spending the day 'creeping' on his old albums')

O.M.G.!!!!!

My daughters accuse me all the time of being a 'Facebook Creeper'
Me?
Not me, I am a cool mom!
Geez!

I am a teenager all over again, only I am not a teenager.I am a mature adult who appreciates my parents. Who loves my parents. I am incapable of being embarrassed..........DAMMIT......DAMMIT...

It is hard being older and mature! 

This is what I woke up to.
This is what I logged on to Facebook and saw this morning.

J.R.s Facebook Wall

J.R.'s Mom- Made a comment on 'J.R.s childhood boyfriends photo'

 Comment to a picture my off and on junior high/high school boyfriend posted of himself from Junior High.A YEAR AGO!! MOM, You creepin much??
You just became friends with him 2. 5 hours ago woman! 

WOW! Thanks Mom! Love you too! Facebook is NOT private ya know! Your last name??? Well, it was my last name all through school...........Yup!!! Everyone will know who your 'winky face' is talking about!

Ugghhh

You are a Cool Mom
You are a Cool Mom
Everyone Likes you
Everyone Likes You
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths

Speed Dial Therapist
Speed Dial Therapist

Fuck , I don't have a Therapist
Xanax
Xanax

Xanax downed with Pear Cider

I don't have Xanax.......Ugghhh, I wish I did!

O.K. Deep Breaths.
Calming down
I'm Calm


You are a cool mom!

I'm sleepy


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* I called my mom this morning

My dad answered

I started off the conversation saying "Dad, you remember in junior high when you paddled your longboard over to ***** and said "Hi, I'm J.R.'s dad!Just wanted to introduce myself"

"Yes! How could I forget? I 'ruined your life' that day. What about it?

"Well, you need to tell my mother she's killin me! That woman is killin me!"

"What did your mom do?"

"She commented on *****'s photo on Facebook!"

"Oh, well I can't control what she does on Facebook. Here let me hand the phone to her."

I hear laughs, mumbles, and more laughs

They think this is funny??

"Mom?"

"Uh, Oh, what did I do?"

All of a sudden I didn't have the heart.

All of a sudden I did not want to lecture my mom on embarrassing me.

All of a sudden a thought came into the forefront of my brain.

All of the people over the years that have told me,mentioned to me, or confided in me how much they really liked my parents growing up.

Including ***** my junior high boyfriend.

My mom is cool!

She has lived a long life, and most of that life she has had to endure me.

So I can endure her.

Why?

Because I would never want to wake up to a day where I didn't have her to endure,

Or love.

Happy 4th of July Everybody!