Thank God for Wal Mart and Duct Tape!

I'm tired, and my fingers don't even want to type.

So this will be short!

GOD BLESS DUCT TAPE!

My daughters performed this week in their High School's Student Choreography show case. Props were needed. Props built by my husband, and painted by yours truly.

The first showing was a matinee at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday. The first performance is never crowded, and that was probably a good thing, as the tombstone prop that we built FAILED! 

The glue wasn't strong enough, or something; not to mention that my daughter probably did not pull her feet up high enough, and her sister and friend probably did not give all their strength when lifting her, but they are kids, they worked their butts off for the past month practicing, so I will blame it on the construction.

Lift your feet honey, Lift your feet!

Man Down, Man Down! Errr, I mean, Prop Tombstone Down, Prop Down!!

I can't imagine what was going through my daughters mind that very  second.
But she might have been thinking
"F*CK, SH*T, WHAT THE HELL, DAMMIT!!"
Noooooooo, not my daughter!  I am sure she was thinking "Golly Gee Willakers, how did that happen?"I was mouthing
"Keep Dancing!KEEP DANCING!!!" 

~Cut to intermission~

Mom wipes a tear from daughters eye,

Mom helps both daughters & their friend laugh it off.

Mom finds someone with a roll of Duct Tape (yes, apparently people just carry it around with them) 

Mom runs backstage, and quickly starts taping like a mad woman, so it will be repaired before the 7:00 showing.

Mom then runs to Taco Bell to get the girls dinner before the night show.

Mom's phone rings as she is pulling out of the drive thru

"Uhh, can you get more duct tape?Some girl backstage wanted to see if she could jump over the tombstones, and she broke the other one. And Kialy's tombstone is kinda loose too"

Lo and Behold, I am in a Wal Mart shopping center.

Super Mom to the rescue.

Taco Bell delivered, Tombstone #2 and #3 repaired (and even better as I bought black duct tape, instead of the grey that I had to borrow the first time) 

Ready for the next dance!

Cross your fingers!

oh, and honey, lift your feet higher......Mom's just sayin......!

See the duct tape at the bottom? That is some handy work, huh? YEAH? Right?
I know! 

SUCCESS!!!!!!!
MUCH BETTER!!!!
YES!
THOSE ARE MY GIRLS!!!
THEY ROCK.......And their mom isn't so bad either

Did you just tell me to 'Shut the Hell Up'???

If you are driving with your six year old daughter, and you think you are entertaining her by engaging in some chit chat, and she says

"Umm, Mama I know a game we can play. Let's play the 'Whoever can be the most quietest game, and whoever talks loses, so if you talk you lose, but whoever is quietest wins, so you gotta be the quietest'......Yeahh, mama let's play that game"

Then she lays her head back against her head rest and stares out at the ocean as you take the scenic route home. 

Well you know what just happened?

You just got asked to 

 'Shut the hell up'

in six year old talk.

Did she just try to play the master?

Did she just do the ol' switcheroo and play me at my own game?

Did she .....

Did she.....??

Yeah, she just told me!

In all seriousness, this happened today. Did my daughter need some quiet time to mentally go over the events of her day?

Did she just want to stare at the waves crashing on the sand, and ponder the meaning of life?

Was my meaningless chit-chat not superb enough for her exuberant brain?

~or~

Do six year olds just need some quiet time in their life too?

We probably don't give the little ones enough credit, but they can be pretty wise.

Maybe it was her way of saying 

"Hey Mama, let's just be silent and enjoy the beauty of the ocean that we are so blessed to live by"

??

Nahhh,

I think she was saying

"Shut the heck up Mama!Stop talking about all the fun things we are going to do this summer, and for the love of god PLEASE STOP SINGING

You cannot, and never will be able to sing like Kelly Clarkson, Adele, or Stevie Nicks. PLEASE STOP TRYING"

* This moment of silence is dedicated to my daughter. Really and truly one of the wisest, most thoughtful, and sweetest little human beings. 

Besides my other 3, they are pretty wise, thoughtful and sweet.

Dam equality! 

Who needs toys when Mommy & Daddy drink a lot of wine and like burritos?

Does my title make sense?

NO?

Does it now?

My daughter loves stacking things.

I collect wine corks. That was only a weeks worth....KIDDING!

Isn't there a correlation between stacking and being a genius?

Did I just make that up?

Who cares!

Happy Friday!

Whatever you are doing, have a great time.

Me?

I will be adding to my wine cork collection.My daughter needs new stacking material.

* I am actually collecting the wine corks, and am determined to create something nifty out of them. Have you seen Pinterest lately?

Good Lord, there is a world of crafts out there dedicated to Wine Corks.

Now to make a trivet or really go for it and make a backyard chair??

Yes, someone out there had enough corks (and time on their hands) to make an actual chair the size of a lazy boy, out of wine corks.

Start Guzzlin
Mama needs a new chair!

I would like to publicly apologize for.............

I have been a bad blogger.
I have been a bad blog reader.
I have been a bad blog comment leaver (yes it makes sense)


Why?

Because summer has been BUSY for me.

But I have not been bad at this:

Daughters 14th Birthday 'ROOM MAKEOVER'
I want to live in her room.

I have also not been bad at this:

Jello Shot Cantaloupes!
Healthy yet, 'FUN'

I have also been pretty good at this:

Sittin on the boat, relaxing, reading 50 Shades!

This has kept me pretty busy also:

Teachin my 15 1/2 year old how to drive.
'Keep Both Hands on the WHEEL!'

Havin a little fun too:

Surprised my older girls with a Demi Lovato concert at our local fair.
Then Fried Foods, Picture Booth Photos and Expensive rides afterwards!

Threw a graduation party for my son, and was busy hiding the booze from his friends:

No, I don't normally keep bottles of Tequila in my room, but when my grandpa comes over to me saying "Hey, that tall, loud one over there was sneakin in your booze" - Well, I had to start hiding! and taking keys away.

Summer also makes time for camping:

Hubby had a fishing tournament during our first scheduled camping trip. So it was Mama and the kids!
Girl Power! Started the fire, even had to put a plastic bag over my hand to unclog the sewer in the camper. Ugghhhhh!

An intertube, and the evening ocean!Entertaining for hours.

Daddy and his little buddy! Doing some night fishing in the surf.

Time for some unwinding with a margarita.

Just registered my youngest for Kindergarten. My older girls for their High School Classes. Working, BBQ'ing with family.
My 20th High School Reunion
School Shopping
Working
Checking on 18 year old son to make sure he is making good future choices - "What do you mean  you are going to hold off on taking some classes at the Junior College? Extending your summer a bit? WHAT?O.K. we will discuss this later! Yes,I love you too"
Getting mad at oldest teen daughter for trying to pull a fast one on us. - "Don't try to fool the masters little dear! Your dad and I were teens once too." 
My fourteen year old suddenly having the attitude of a prima donna! - "Who are  you? Where did you come from?"
My five year old wanting mommy to 'play with me.' every single second. - I am not sure how much more Littlest Pet Shop scenarios I can handle. 


I have been busy with just plain ol' family time. And it has felt good! It has been soothing, relaxing, fun! I love my kids! I love my husband, and right now, I am kinda lovin my life in general.

But school is starting soon, back to the old grind. Carpools, busy days, etc.

I will be back to blogging too, but right now, sunshine, beach, kids, husband and margaritas are taking precedence.

Cheers!

Here's to hoping that everyone has been having an AWESOME summer!

OH MY GOD - I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my god, WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ME?"

"You ruined my LIFE!"

"You are soooooooooooo embarrassing!No other parents do that!"

"******'s mom buys her whatever clothes she wants!"

"*****'s parents just took her to Contempo Casuals and bought her a new cropped shirt! Why can't you be like them?"

"What?? WHAT??? You said 'hi' to the boy I like???I'm NEVER going to school again! EVER!!!"

"Drop me off at the corner! The cor.....what?? What are you doing? Why are you pulling up in front of the school? I said the cooooorrrrrnnnnnneeeerrrrrr.............Ugggggghhhhh! So embarrassing!"

"Mom, are you seriously going to pull over and ask that kid if he wants a ride? WHY? He is in my math class, and he is a weirdo? I don't care if it's raining, you are soooo EMBARRASSING!!"

"Why are you waving at them?Soooooo embarassing!"

"On restriction? Are you serious? There is a HUGE party on Friday and everybody is going! I swear I will never roll my eyes or talk back to you again!I promise! I am so sorry......You are the best parents in the world...........Can't I get off restriction on Thursday? What? WHY?......You are the WORST parents in the entire world."         SLAM- "Sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door" - Yeah right, I DID mean to slam it!!!-     "What? Huh, I didn't say anything, I said 'I love you guys'"

"Wait! Dad, you are kidding me right? RIGHT? Did you really paddle your board over to a group of my guy friends out in the water, and ask which one was my boyfriend and then introduce yourself to him? Please tell me you are joking!............Yes it is a big deal..........I am going to kill myself. "  - SLAM- Door slams, "ha ha, let them think I'm in my room actually causing harm to myself".........................."umm, how come they are not checking on me?"..........."Don't they care?".....................UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

"Seriously Mom, when you pick my friends and I up from the mall, do we have to listen to Joan Baez, or Joni Mitchell, or the Neville Brothers, or whatever else you listen to? I am bringing my Kid n Play, or Rob Base cassette tapes!......Fine, compromise with my Pretty in Pink Soundtrack! Your music is so embarrassing, it is probably killing my friends ears."

Parents are certainly the most embarrassing people walking the face of the earth. Just ask any teenager, and you will see that the census sways in the direction of 'Parents just should not exist'

The above quotes?  They are all things that ......................

That.......

That I......

That I have heard from.......

That I have heard from my.....

That I have heard from my own two ears.

That I have heard from my own two ears,

Coming out of ........

Coming out of my OWN TWO LIPS!!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am the awful teen that spouted these words of hate and rebellion!

Spouting them vehemently from my own two lips!

What a wretched teen I was!

They were all from me.

Yup, sweet, wonderful daughter, J.R.!

I was a good kid, really not too bad, but gosh I could be a brat. A BIG GIANT BRAT!!!!! I loved my parents, and still do, more than anything in the entire world. But everything, and I mean everything, was embarrassing to me. I guess looking back on it, maybe I struggled with some self esteem issues. Always doubting what was cool, what would be accepted. I wish I could go back in time and give the teenage me a bit more confidence. I was not unpopular, I was not unattractive, I was not anything that could be looked at as negative for a teen.In fact, I was semi popular. Dipping one foot in with the Uber popular kids, and one foot in to the wading pool of semi popular. Not too shabby actually.  I think I was just plain and simply a TEEN! That is it. 

Nowadays, I am pretty sure about myself. I am not really lacking in self confidence, other than the occasional normal stuff. 

These days my parents do not embarrass me, just for the fact that they are breathing.In fact I love and appreciate them so much, that to say they ever embarrassed me nowadays would almost feel sacrilegious, ungrateful, down right awful. When I was a teen, they were not even able to breathe-Good lord, how dare they breathe or exist? Geez! Don't they know I have my teenage life and reputation to uphold. But now I need, love, and admire them so much that they better keep on breathing. Dammit, don't they know they have a daughter to keep on keeping on for?

But what I have actually come to the realization of is this- My parents are actually considered to be 'Cool'! Don't tell them that though, don't need any big heads goin on. They are not, nor were they ever cool in the way of being 'those parents'. You know, the ones that let you drink, stay out all night, cover for you, and help you roll your first joint.When you are young, those are the 'Cool' parents. I would hear rumors of 'Those' parents existing, and think 'Why was I not born to them'?

Or those other kind of 'Cool Parents'- The rich ones! My mom did not take me shopping every weekend like other moms, and I did not have a wardrobe that was to die for thanks to my 'super young fashionable rich' mom. My dad wasn't the kind of 'Daddy' that made me out to be 'Daddy's Princess', buying me a car for my 16th Birthday or lavishing me with gifts,money, and material items. My mom did not wear makeup, or understand my need for getting to the drugstore because I was out of mousse, and that is considered an emergency for a girl with a spiral perm. 

I would not realize until years later, and I would run into people from high school, that my parents were just cool, because........well, just because they were just plain COOL! 

My dad is a wonderful man. Honest, true, kind hearted, dependable, responsible, loving, caring and kind. Not to mention he is a surfer! He has surfed at the same beach since he was a kid, and is definitely a respected local. But most of all, my dad loves me! He never made me feel less than. He never put unrealistic expectations on me. He never made me feel bad, guilty, or awful for mistakes that I made. My dad has always loved me unconditionally.

My mom is a wonderful woman. Nurturer, loving, caring, and kindness beyond belief. Neighborhood kids knew that they could bring baby birds that they found on the ground TO HER!. She would feed it and take care of it. She was probably hipper, cooler, and more with it than I gave her credit for. I also have to say that maybe as a daughter, I was a bit harder to get along with than my brothers. Mothers and daughters just clash by nature. I, of course, am learning that now.My mom (like my dad) loves me one hundred percent UNCONDITIONALLY! And that is alot more than I can say for most parents.

I love my parents more than the sun, moon and stars! They don't embarrass me anymore.

They can't!

They just can't!

I am an adult!

I am secure!

I am confid.......

Confiden........

Confident!........

Oh, wait a minute!!

Oh Shit!!!

Wait, my mom is on Facebook!

My reputation!

DID SHE JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH MY 7th GRADE BOYFRIEND????

Ohhhhhhh Nooooooooo, She Di'int!

Oh My God!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

Did she just comment on my 7th grade boyfriends picture that he posted 2 years ago (meaning that she has been spending the day 'creeping' on his old albums')

O.M.G.!!!!!

My daughters accuse me all the time of being a 'Facebook Creeper'
Me?
Not me, I am a cool mom!
Geez!

I am a teenager all over again, only I am not a teenager.I am a mature adult who appreciates my parents. Who loves my parents. I am incapable of being embarrassed..........DAMMIT......DAMMIT...

It is hard being older and mature! 

This is what I woke up to.
This is what I logged on to Facebook and saw this morning.

J.R.s Facebook Wall

J.R.'s Mom- Made a comment on 'J.R.s childhood boyfriends photo'

 Comment to a picture my off and on junior high/high school boyfriend posted of himself from Junior High.A YEAR AGO!! MOM, You creepin much??
You just became friends with him 2. 5 hours ago woman! 

WOW! Thanks Mom! Love you too! Facebook is NOT private ya know! Your last name??? Well, it was my last name all through school...........Yup!!! Everyone will know who your 'winky face' is talking about!

Ugghhh

You are a Cool Mom
You are a Cool Mom
Everyone Likes you
Everyone Likes You
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths

Speed Dial Therapist
Speed Dial Therapist

Fuck , I don't have a Therapist
Xanax
Xanax

Xanax downed with Pear Cider

I don't have Xanax.......Ugghhh, I wish I did!

O.K. Deep Breaths.
Calming down
I'm Calm


You are a cool mom!

I'm sleepy


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* I called my mom this morning

My dad answered

I started off the conversation saying "Dad, you remember in junior high when you paddled your longboard over to ***** and said "Hi, I'm J.R.'s dad!Just wanted to introduce myself"

"Yes! How could I forget? I 'ruined your life' that day. What about it?

"Well, you need to tell my mother she's killin me! That woman is killin me!"

"What did your mom do?"

"She commented on *****'s photo on Facebook!"

"Oh, well I can't control what she does on Facebook. Here let me hand the phone to her."

I hear laughs, mumbles, and more laughs

They think this is funny??

"Mom?"

"Uh, Oh, what did I do?"

All of a sudden I didn't have the heart.

All of a sudden I did not want to lecture my mom on embarrassing me.

All of a sudden a thought came into the forefront of my brain.

All of the people over the years that have told me,mentioned to me, or confided in me how much they really liked my parents growing up.

Including ***** my junior high boyfriend.

My mom is cool!

She has lived a long life, and most of that life she has had to endure me.

So I can endure her.

Why?

Because I would never want to wake up to a day where I didn't have her to endure,

Or love.

Happy 4th of July Everybody!

"WE MAY BE MAKING LOVE!!!"- and this is how I traumatized my daughters

I am a hot commodity in this house!

Needed by the hubby-
"Babe, where is my hat with the black rim?"
"I don't know, you wore it last"
"But you find everything. You are just good like that"
"Yeah......You are right!.......It is on the top shelf of closet, under your work shirts, half a centimeter away from my jewelry box, facing North East"
"Thanks J.R.!"

Needed by the kids-
"Mom where is the nail polish remover
                               hair shine spray
                               blowdryer
                               construction paper
                               Hershey's syrup
                               my black Vans
                               my grey Converse
                               my black strapless bra
                               dental floss
                               box of tampons we just bought
                               MY BRAIN!!!!!!!

Ahhhhh, Yes! A mom is always needed!

But the thing is, with all of this constant needing, I have a bad case of 'Door Knocking, Kid Needing Anxiety Disorder' 

Symptoms include:

• Refusing to have sex with your husband at spontaneous times, or any time that you know the kids are awake, for fear of them needing you.
• If giving in to having spontaneous sex, or kids are awake kind of sex, you are unable to fully relax, because one eyeball is firmly planted on the bedroom door. 
• Trying to act relaxed, but all the while asking your husband, "are you sure you locked the door?" 
• Hearing a creak in the floorboards, and pushing your husband off of you saying "see, I knew this was a bad idea"
• Yelling to your kids "does anyone need anything out of my room?? I have diarrhea (wink, wink) and I want to be left alone for a while, so NO KNOCKING on my door" - that is how I prep the kids, and hope there will be no knocking! All the while, looking over at hubby whose nose is scrunched up, thinking he was going to get lucky, saying "you are joking right?Do you really have diarrhea right now?" 

My husband and I had a talk one day, because honestly the needing was getting out of hand! 

Anytime we would shut the door, it was cause for an automatic KNOCK! 

"Hey, babe, I need to talk with you about something serious. It is about B and one of her text messages."

"Oh, shut the door, let's talk!"

KNOCK-KNOCK

"Honey, will you shut the door? I want to go over Ki's Santa list with you."

KNOCK-KNOCK

OH MY GOD! SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!

WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT 4 YEAR OLDS!

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 15 AND 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS (and our 5 year old, but the teens are the worst)

"Girls, Giiiiiirrrrrrllllllssss! Upstairs for a family meeting! Pronto!!!!"

*I love family meetings! Feels so Brady Bunchy!

Eye rolls, annoyance, and huffing and puffing are what we are met with at our door.

"Girls, we asked you to come in here because we want to create a new house rule"

"What? Chores?"

"No, not chores. Although, good idea. More chores would be helpful. I'll get back to that one!"

"Great....Uggh"

"Anyway. The door knocking is getting out of hand!"

"Well, what else are we supposed to do? If we need something!"

"Not to mention, sometimes you don't even knock! You just walk in!"

"Because we know you are already in bed, or sleeping. We come in quietly!"

"If our door is shut! We may be busy.....Busy.....Busy, talking, discussing important stuff, changing, or maybe even having an argument. Leave us alone!"

"But, if we need the nail polish remover, what else are we supposed to do? I mean, you always put it under your sink and............"

-Husband interjects at this point-

"ARE YOU SERIOUS??? YOU WANT TO STAND HERE AND KEEP ARGUING WITH YOUR MOM? NO MORE DISCUSSION! IF THE DOOR IS OPEN, OR CRACKED,FINE, COME IN, WE HAVE AN OPEN DOOR POLICY. 

IF THE DOOR IS SHUT, LEAVE US ALONE!"

"But, I mean what if we..........."

-More arguing, so mom takes back her position in the conversation-

"OH MY GOD!!! Do you want me to spell it out for you? If the door is shut, we might be MAKING LOVE!!!!"

"Oh, God Mom, STOP!!! Don't say that!!!"

"Doing it! Having Sex! Freaky Freaky, Bumpin and Grindin!..........."

"STOP MOM!"

"We are married! We have sex! How do you think you all were made? How do you think I was made? Mema and Papa had sex"

"OH GOD, Not Mema and Papa! GOD PLEASE STOP!!!"

"Well, you two wanted to keep arguing! You deserve it!"

"We are leaving! I am never knocking on your door again"

"Me either, I am always afraid I am going to interrupt you or hear something gross. That is why I cough, and walk real loud when I get near your door"

"Well, if you think that, then leave us alone"

"I can't believe you guys do it when we are home! I thought you only did it when we were gone"- this was the comment of all comments, as there is always, at some point, atleast one kid home. So my daughter thinks we NEVER DO IT!

My husband was a little shocked that I just blurted it out, but I couldn't stand it anymore. His way just wasn't working. He believes that children deserve NO explanation. And while he is right, I live in the real world. I also live with these girls, and know their ways of thinking. They are arguers by nature. They need explanations. His explanation of "Well, we may be busy talking, so leave us alone" just wasn't working. 

The looks on their faces, and the trauma protruding from their core was actually getting to be quite satisfying. This was kinda fun.So I figured I'd give it one last hurrah as they gagged, and puked their way out of my room.

"Oh, and girls one more thing, just to make sure you have really soaked all of this in"

"Oh, god, what?!?!?!"

"Would you really want to walk in on us and have to see my feet up in the air, and your dads white  butt? Or better yet, me in a position that can only be described as ........

"OH GOD!!!!! I'M GONNA PUKE! YOU ARE AWFUL! STOP TALKING"

Honest to god, I feel so liberated! I feel free! It needed to be done, because it was getting out of hand. Especially in the summer time, as waiting for them to go to bed was not working. In the summer they stay up all night, we wind up falling asleep just waiting for them to go to bed. I may have scarred them for life with visions of mom and dad studying Kama Sutra, but hey, IT WORKED!

It Freaking Worked!!!!!!! 

Glitter and Grime and Spray Paint Drops

Quick post from my phone.
Redoing my thirteen year old daughters room for her 14th Birthday.

Recycling a few things, giving them new life- a.ka. - spray paintin them black!

SPRAY PAINT SUCKS!!!!! And it doesn't come off!!!!!! See how nicely it goes with my purple, glittered nail tips? Yeah, I've already used a scouring brush.

Bedroom makeover pics to come next week! Wish me luck, this is for the 'pickier' daughter.

Hello Officer, can I take a picture with all of your DUI checkpointy stuff?

B is driving! Not licensed on her own kind of driving,but learners permit, driving around town with mom kind of driving.

We had a crazy day at the DMV. When is the DMV not crazy??

Got her permit, waited in the parking lot of the Junior College in our city for her first session of behind the wheel training.

We waited
and waited

and
waited

and waited
(o.k. we only waited 3 minutes, but it seemed longer, and the driver wasn't there yet) 

Realized we were supposed to be waiting in the parking lot at a High School in the next town over.

Ooops, my bad!

Called the Community College Course Administrative office, and prayed they would answer...

Yes! They answered

"Ummmm, I am waiting for our instructor. Are we in the wrong parking lot?"

Few minutes on hold

"Yes, hello, you are not just in the wrong lot, you are at the wrong school"

SHIT WE ARE LATE!!
HAULING ASS FROM ONE PLACE TO THE NEXT!

ALL THE WHILE EXPLAINING-

"Don't ever drive like me!!!!!! We are just late, and I have to drive fast.....and run yellow lights.....and not make complete stops.....and ........ Just do what I say, not what I do!"

B's first 2 hour course runs smooth. The driving instructor gives me a few pointers on how to teach her while I am driving with her, we nod, and take off. I let her drive home,and she reminds me about the bonfire I am to drop her off at.

I think to myself:

ENOUGH with the F*ing Bonfires already!!! My teen girls are killing me with their summertime bonfires!

Drop her off at 6!

Pick her up at 9:30

(secretly get there at 9:15, park ever so stealthlike, spy on her and boyfriend to make sure there is no lifeguard tower makeout sessions going on)
*Oh, for my regular readers, Yes, B has a new boyfriend. He is actually quite nice. But even the nice ones want to do 'not nice' things with my daughter, so I will still take on the roll of being a blocker. And what am I blocking  you ask?
It rhymes with block! That is what I am blocking! Enough said!

Get caught trying to spy on her, but she gets caught when I ask
"Where is the fire, and where is the dad that was supposed to be there?"

The silent treatment goes on for about two minutes, until I say

"Hey, I forgot you had your permit! You drive home!"

"Me? O.K."

smiles

"Do you want to take the coast the whole way, then cut through the neighborhoods? Or do you want to take the coast part way, then try your hand at the O Boulevard. Practice with a bit of traffic, and street lights?"

"I'll take O Boulevard. Might as well"

"O.K. good!"

"Turn left here, stay in the right lane, when you come up over the hill, past the 7-eleven you will.............OH   MY    GOD! How funny......."

"WHAT??WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?? What are all of these cones??What is going on? What are all those lights? WHAT DO I DO?? WHAT DO I DO?? DO I STOP???"

"Oh My God B, welcome to your first DUI checkpoint! And this is a major one! O.K. slowly merge ov..... OVER......O.K. Well that wasn't really a merge, you didn't even look over your shoulder."

"I'm nervous!"

"Why? Are you drunk?"

"NO!! GOD!!!"


"I know honey, I'm kidding.Now just watch the cop ahead, he is going to wave each person through, but he may stop you. I have your permit right here. You would roll down the window, but I can lean over and talk if you want. OOOHHH, let me get my phone out. If he does talk with you, I'm gonna ask to take a picture."

"I'm freaking out. He's waving his light, what does that mean? Do I go? Do I stop?"

Needless to say she was not told to pull to the side. Our sobriety was not tested. I did not get a picture for her scrapbook. Does the scrapbook supply store even sell 'My First DUI Checkpoint' stickers, emblems, and supplies? 

I am surprised we were not asked to pull aside. You have a 15 1/2 year old who merged in the most illegal manner, about 10 feet from the checkpoint, and then again 10 feet after the checkpoint.All the while clutching the wheel, looking like a cracked out deer in headlights. You have a mom searching for her cell phone, all the while giggling like a hyena, and a 13 year old in the back seat rolling the window down to stick her head out and stare at all the drunks that were pulled over. 

"Darn, I really wanted to take a picture. I sooo wished he would have asked you to pull over"

"Mom, you are a freak!"

Fun times ahead for this mom, and her eager to drive daughter.

Fun times ahead.......................

* I started this post last Saturday morning. Since then we had a little scare with a panicked permit driver, 'accidentally' stepping on the gas instead of the brake. I may turn that moment into it's own post, or I may squash it. As of now she is a bit shaken, a bit embarrassed, and a bit worried that we are going to tell everyone about what happened.

No Honey!

I would never tell anybody that you gassed it, flew over the curb, and only pressed on the brake 2 inches before hitting the retaining wall next to the palm tree. I will not dedicate a post to that spine tingling, chilling moment where our lives flashed before our eyes, and I started to doubt letting you have your license. 

No, that is private family stuff.

You just keep practicing B. Six months of driving with your permit, and you are going to be a seasoned pro.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

Dear DMV,

Hi. My name is J.R. In six months I will be bringing my sweet, eager, anxious 16 year old daughter in to your office, where she will nervously be testing for her drivers license. I would like to ask you to please fail her. Fail her, and keep failing her! My life flashed before my eyes today, and I am starting to think that carpools, driving to and from bonfires, movie theaters, parties, shopping malls, and concerts is not so bad. I don't need her to drive herself. She can wait.

Don't be too harsh on her, but make it realistic, and never, ever tell her that I bribed you or paid you off. This is between you and me Mr. DMV driving tester guy! Our little secret!

Sincerely,

J.R.

Moms Against Teenagers Being Allowed to Drive

M.A.T.B.A.D.

o.k. the last three initials spell out B A D! BAD!! Is that a sign?

A is for Apple, B is for Ball, F is always for F*CK!!!!

So my daughter had a friend that came over. She proceeded to stand in my kitchen, and cuss!

O.K. She did not exactly cuss, but really?! When you are telling a story, your voice is as loud as a freaking drill sergeant with a bull horn, and you start saying-

"So I was all, like 'Hey Mother F'er! And he was like O.K. You F'Head!" 

"Hey girls, want me to heat up some dinner"?

GET IGNORED BY GIRLS

"So then I was like, she started dating him, and now they are all kissy kissy, so I am like what the F??"


I was standing right there.
She didn't care!


Hey little chicky, this Momma has somethin to say-

Just because you are saying F'er, does not mean my brain isn't computing it as FUCKER!

And just because you say F'Head, does not mean I don't know you mean FUCKHEAD!

And just because you say What The F?, don't think you are making me view you as a sweetheart that would never utter the phrase WHAT THE FUCK!


In the Alphabet
A is for Apple
B is for Ball
C is for Cat
D is for Dog
E is for Elephant
and F is always for FUCK!!!!!!!!

Everybody knows that,
So don't stand in my kitchen saying F,F,F,F,F!

I'm onto you
This Momma is smart
This Momma is not a figment of your imagination
This Momma is not deaf
I HEAR YOU FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!

You are goin over to the naughty side on my list of daughter's friends.
Not sure you can redeem yourself! Don't try to hop back to the other side of the list. I will have to put you there myself, and that may not happen.

We will see...............


* My daughter's are great girls. They have great friends. Even this girl, for all her 'F's' is a Great  semi good girl. She is just one of those obnoxious, makes herself a little toooo at home, loud, kind of girls. She is also a straight A student, and has a crazy, wise beyond her years sense of humor.
During this whole F'ing conversation in the kitchen, both my daughters were squirming like slithering snakes with ADHD. While they were trying to act like they were listening to her story, I know they were too preoccupied looking out for my reaction. I got satisfaction out of listening to them let out fake nervous laughs, all the while looking at one another.
Being a parent is turning into such an entertaining little hobby for me.
Who Knew???

Happy Mothers Day!You know drive thrus are your second home when........

I love Healthy Food, my mom being a little ahead of her time in the health food department. Now Health food stores are on every corner. It is 'in' to be healthy, organic, buy your peanut butter from a store that makes it right there.
But......When I was young, we had to drive about a half hour to another town south of us to a little health food store, where my mom could torture supply our household with

Buckwheat Pancakes

Homemade Peanut Butter. No salt, no taste, just a 2 inch layer of oily stuff on top.

Bread with nuts, seeds, and other chokable food particles baked in.Wonder Bread was a sin!

Lentils, for whatever kind of concoction she could put lentils into,

Apple juice in a HUGE gigantic jar, and you had to shake it real well before serving, get all the mushy, chunky stuff that had sunk to the bottom mixed in properly.

BUT.......


I also LOVE fast food!


I just love it!

Fast food was not totally forbidden. Just not always allowed. I remember when we would actually get to visit the golden arches. Sweet Heaven! I would be in the backseat, my parents in the front. I would always ask for a cheeseburger, fries and a cok........ then I would get interrupted.

"We have apple juice at home. You don't need a Coke!"

DEFEAT!

MISERY!

I am not completely 'happy' now!
Only 75% of the Happy Meal was allowed!

Not happy to the fullest!

Once I was old enough to drive, or had my own money, you could not keep me away.

I now 'treat' my kids to fast food a little more than my mom did for me. But I will say, that she sure made up for it with other treats. Every once in a while, my mom would let me stay home from school............. just because. Much to the dismay of my dad. Sorry Dad. She would look out the window, sensing it was going to be a dreary day, and say 'why don't you stay home today? We could get out of the house, go for a drive. Snuggle!Whatever the day brings' 
You don't have to ask me twice!

I thank you mom! I thank you for your love,

your guidance,

your support,

your ability to always show patience, even when you were frustrated.

I love you despite the fact that you made a Anchovy Casserole one of the first times that my new, cool, popular best friend stayed the night. 

I love you despite the fact that you did not let me live off of cheeseburgers and soda.

I love you even though you did not understand that Guess and Esprit clothing would make me a happier teen.

I love you despite the fact that you did not let me buy the Madonna Like a Virgin cassette, and when Aunt J tried to buy it for me, you made her return it.

I love you despite the fact that I was the last of my friends to wear a bikini.

I love you despite the fact you would show up at my friends houses to bring me back home, because you changed your mind 'you cannot stay the night, I just have a weird feeling about what you girls are up to' 

Mostly Mom, I love you because you made me who I am today! 

I love you because you showed me more love and support than anyone on the face of this universe.

I love you Mom, because thanks to you I get complimented on my loving nature, my kindness towards others, and my ability to be a good mom.

Mom, you are a great mom!

I love you for you!

My kids love you because, due to the fact that I was traumatized in not being allowed to eat a ton of junk food, I am now trying to make it up to them in some twisted, weird, therapy needing, junk food desiring, post traumatic stress, french fry over spoiling lifestyle!! 

Thanks Mema!

Thanks Mema for not letting our Mama eat from those golden arches. It gave mom weird fast food issues, and she now spoils us with it.

You are the best Mema in the whole entire world!

Below is a Lincoln Log structure that Ki (my five year old) made the other day. She said it was a fast food restaurant. 

"Just like we do Mama"

"Hi J.R. Haven't seen you since yesterday. The usual? Say Hi to the kids for me"

* I do cook healthy for the record!Limiting the fast food intake, but sometimes, you just gotta do it! Sometimes, you just gotta give in. Sometimes you just need to slurp on that soda, and eat those greasy fries.

If you are a mother, have a mother, or know a mother! Happy Mothers Day.

As women, we are all Mother's. Whether we have actually had children or not. We have all 'mothered' somebody, somewhere, somehow! It is in our nature I think! So have a great day today!

Eat some fries, drink some Coke, and relax!

Happy Female Day! 

Partying with my parents on a Saturday Night! 'Woop Woop!!'

I love to do nice things for people. It is just me! I wish I was rich, so I could do LOTS and LOTS of nice things, but I am not rich. But I make up for it with heartfelt love.

My mom is obsessed LOVES a band, The White Buffalo. The lead singer is a bit of a Hottie! In that  long haired, bearded, ruggedy kind of way.
Some of their music is played on the show, The Sons of Anarchy. Are you a fan?  WE ARE!!!!!!!
It is a show about a motorcycle gang. Violence, mild nudity, cussing, all the right stuff, ya know?!

My mama had wanted to see The White Buffalo up in Santa Cruz, which is where my brother lives near. But due to not feeling well around that time, she did not want to make the trip up there. And that was their last California show. Insert HUGE, GIGANTIC SAD FACE HERE!

UNTIL....................

A few months later...............

I logged onto Facebook one morning...........

and someone had posted something about The White Buffalo playing at the Belly Up.........

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD!!

LITERALLY 

OUT 

LOUD!!

MY MOM WAS GOING TO BE SOOOO EXCITED! A LOCAL SHOW!!!!

Got online, bought the tickets, surprised my mom.

Her reaction was a little somethin like this-

"Oh My God! No, No, Are you serious? Holy Sh*t!! Oh my gosh, No, Oh J.R., Oh my, Nooooo!!!

Ahhhhhh

Ahhhhhhh

I get to see Jake!!! In person! Oh MY GOD!! Noo

Oh, shit, Oh shit!! Oh God!! 

Ohhh

Ahhhhhhh!

Thank you honey!! 

Oh, Thank you!!!"

~then teary eyes~

And I have done my job! 

The show was this past Saturday.

My hubby and I

My mom and dad

A double date with my parents.

Want to know the best part?

We ate at a Restaurant before the concert that is attached to the club. My dad went out to put something in the car, and came back in and said 

"I think the lead singer is outside"

"Oh, are you serious. Oh , Oh, Oh my god! Should we go out there? Oh, Gosh!............"

The old teenager in me that was sometimes embarrassed of my mom's sometimes outgoing, exuberant personality started to resurface. 

But only for one second! 


I punched that snotty, bratty, moody, no good teenage J.R. straight in the nose! 

Knocked her out cold!
No place for her anymore!

Grabbed my moms hand and said 

"Come on! You may never get this chance again!"

And there he was!
Jake Smith

With his little son, wife, and what I assume to be his parents or in-laws.

My mom was starstruck!

We tried to act all cool, nonchalant, un-stalkerish. Like we were just goin for a stroll outside. My mom played it off pretty good! Acting 'surprised' to see him standing there.


 "I surprised my mom with tickets, she loves you. Can you pleeeeasssse take a picture with my mom?"

He said "sure"

Put his arm around her and smiled.

DAM! 

"Umm, you both have your eyes closed. Let me take another one"

* No way was I gonna have my mom holding dear to her heart a 'NOT PERFECT' photo!

My mom is beautiful, and had the most sincere, happy grin on her face!

Can you say perfect night?

I love my parents more than the world!

I wish I could do more for them!


I will leave you with a little video of the encore song. The 'Yeaaaaaaaah' at the very end is mom.
The 'Whoooooo' is from margarita induced me.
I did not know anything about them until my mom turned me onto their music.
I LOVE THEM now!

This is a remake of an old song. See the original below.

To have been at this concert, and see all of these guys on one stage.

WOW!