My son's chore list preserved like an ancient Egyptian artifact....only not ancient or Egyptian! Diggin Ho Ho Holes, Diggin!

Chores. Every young child's rite of passage.

 There are little everyday chores

• Dishes
• Sweeping
• Cleaning windows
• Folding towels

There are BIG weekend chores

• Mopping
• Wiping down baseboards
• Cleaning ceiling fans

Then there are the BIG, BIG weekend chores

• Yardwork - More specifically, and in my sons case; DIGGING HOLES for one of the many new palm trees that my husband would decide to bring home to add to our tropical landscaping.

"Can I go to Ty's house, and then over to Tanner's? After that we are probably going to meet up with everyone at the beach, and then........"

"Let me cut you off. Yes, you can do all of that. After you finish your chores."

The look in my son's eyes when the word CHORE was mentioned on an early Saturday morning was always one of fear. Even though he had been reminded and warned repeatedly that....

"Next Saturday, do not make any plans because you will be helping with some yard work." 

Yeah, kids have selective memory. Not to mention selective hearing, selective sight, selective everything!

"Great! Another Hole!All of my friends think you guys are like some weird slave drivers. Makin me dig holes all the time. Like the movie! I should just live in some boys juvenile camp,just digging holes all day!"

His bad attitude and borderline talking back was not appropriate,

but....

It sure did give us a good idea for his Christmas gag gift that year.

This still hangs in his room. Some memories are too precious to be packed away in a box.
Have you read the book or seen the movie?
My son loved both!

When you leave your work boots outside, and your parents tell you to bring them in the garage because rain is in the forecast. Don't think that "accidentally" forgetting them outside overnight, only to have them soaked through will get you out of digging the next day.

No sireee!!

Soak up as much rain as you can with these here paper towels, then grab two grocery bags, put them over your socks before slippin into your boots, and get digging! 

My son is 19 now, does not live with us anymore, so therefore does not have to endure the family chore list. My husband is the sole 'yardwork' guy now. I mean I of course help with some light weeding, light flower planting, light mulch placement, light.....well, you catch my drift.

The girls and I stick more to the inside stuff. 

But M was outside today planting another palm tree, and re mulching the planters and he came across this in the corner of the yard, behind one of the planters.

"10-23-08 Digging a hole again"
It was like finding old ancient carvings from 10,000 B.C.
Only it was from 2008, and it was from a pissed off teenager.


Of course hubby had to text me his find.
LMAO is right!
He then texted it to C, so that he could remember his good ol' hole digging days, and Laugh His A** Off!

When life hands you a BANANA, make banana/peanut butter/marshmallow/nutella sandwiches!

If you read this post then you know that I recently purchased a few too many bananas. 

I usually make banana bread, as Mimi had suggested, but this time I went a step further. 

A step further into the direction of committing one of the seven deadly sins. Can you say Gluttony?

Grilled Cheese sandwich?

NO WAY

Grilled Peanut Butter/Nutella/Banana/Marshmallow sandwich dipped in cinnamon sugar, cut into triangles and served warm?

YES WAY

What else should I have done with the extra bananas?
Something healthy?
Naaaaa

The worst part?
I am trying to eat healthier. I had made these for my kids as an after school snack.
I am not always one of those moms that makes after school snacks, so don't barf!
I just happened to be home from work, in a peppy mood, and those extra bananas were calling out for my creative concoction making.
I only had one little nibble.......you know, to check for poisons and stuff. ;) 

STOP BEING SO LAZY AND MAKE SOMETHING HEALTHY! This Mom is Taking a Stand, One Post-It Note at a Time!!

It is the same ol' story in households across the country.

Mom and Dad go grocery shopping,

Stock up on some good stuff

Healthy and Not so Healthy living together in one cupboard or refrigerator.

Not So Healthy always being the first to go.

Kids get home from school and are STARVING (which is another post in itself) 

They ask for a snack, when really they are looking for a 2000 calorie fourth meal.

What do they reach for?

Banana?      NO, Waffles.

Fruit I washed and cut up, because I know that is half the battle is them being too lazy to wash or cut it.?         NOPE, no fruit, they want Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

Another setting - It is a Saturday afternoon, around 12:30. Kids start to herd into the kitchen, mumbling that they are hungry. I know this because I have supersonic hearing, which sometimes feels like a curse. 

I am hoping to god I hear the fridge door open; because let's face it. that is where most of the healthy stuff is. That is where anything that needs to be washed, cut up, or prepped has it's home. 

Do I hear the refrigerator door? NOPE

I hear the squeaky ass cupboard door. Cupboard - Home of SNACKS!!!

Then I walk around the corner and see the freezer door open. Freezer - Home of Waffles and Ice Cream.

Immediately I spring into action.

Psycho Kitchen Warden Mom takes charge, and starts in on her lectures.

"It is 12 freaking 30. LUNCH time! Make LUNCH! Cereal and waffles are for breakfast, which you already had, and don't get me started on the ice cream. 3 hours ago you were dousing your waffles with pure sugar, a.k.a. 5 pounds of syrup, and now you want to eat the ice cream? Make a sandwich first, then you can have a SMALL bowl of ice cream."

What am I met with? 

The moans, groans and grumbles of what you would think were teenagers living in a boot camp getting told to run 40 miles at 0300 in the pouring rain.

"A sandwich? Then I have to take out all the stuff. What do we even have good to make sandwiches? Turkey? I hate Turkey, and I'm sick of Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Never mind, I'm not hungry."

aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddddd......... teenager exits the kitchen; with a look that should be saved for someone who just lost their childhood pet.

"Waaaa Waaaaaa! Want me to call you a WWWaaaaaaaa mbulance??"

I chuckle to myself.

"Ugghh, mom, no one even says that! You are such a weirdo!"

Hubby and I went grocery shopping on Sunday. The older girls were with friends at the beach, but I knew when they got home they were going to be hungry. So I sprung into action.

* By the way, when I write "these are for lunches" it means they are quick and easy snacks that are to be saved for packing in their school lunches.School lunches that should consist of a sandwich, some type of fruit, and one 'quick snack item'.

 Had to explain that, otherwise it makes me seem like a crazy mom contradicting myself. 

"Waffles are for breakfast only. Grab a banana!!"

My kids think that Goldfish or Cheez its are an acceptable substitute for a sandwich. When they pack their own lunches in the morning, they will stand there pouring the whole box into a zip loc, and call it a meal.

Chocolate Chip Granola Bars are gone in 2.2 seconds in this house. Not any more! Not with my new Post -It note plan!

Cereal is for BREAKFAST!!!
and for mom's late night snack, but these rules don't apply to mom.
I am an adult! I can do what I want! I pay for the cereal!
You kids go make a sandwich!

EAT THIS!!!!!
* Oh, by the way. When you go grocery shopping with hubby, and you both venture off on your own; throwing stuff in the cart without checking if your hubby already did the same, you end up with double of a few things.
So I am pretty serious now......these kids really need to eat some fricking bananas!


See the picture below?
This is my fridge stocked with fruits, vegetables, yogurt, and sandwich fixings.
Ohhhhhhh, but that is too much work!!!
It is so much easier to grab a Chocolate Chip Granola Bar!
UGGGHH!!!!!!!

10 most dangerous teen fads- I have 'Good Kids', and I know for a fact mine have tried atleast two of these

Here is a link to an article I read this morning on MSN. My kids always, and I mean ALWAYS make fun of me for quoting articles that I read. Mostly parenting articles. But oh well, too bad, sooooo sad!!
10 most dangerous teen fads

I remember when my son decided to move to Orange County with my ex husband. He was sixteen and wanted to try living with dad. Orange County is made up of a bit more money than what we have. So I immediately imagined my son at high school parties snorting Pure Cut Cocaine off of a $1,000,000 antique mirror, through a platinum and diamond encrusted blow straw. I mean, he was going to be hanging out with Rich Kids, while their parents were away jet setting around the world.
Then I read about 'Punch Bowl Parties'!! I immediately called him on the phone, and preached to him the dangers of digesting any colorful pill from a punch bowl.

The phone went dead

~Silence~

"C, you there? Did  you hear me? Be careful at parties, and stay away from pills in a punch bowl"

"Crap mom, seriously, you need to not read parenting articles off of the internet, and you especially need to trust me! In fact, mostly you just need to trust me! Pills out of a punch bowl?? I've never even heard of that. Maybe the people who write those articles are going to Pill Parties, huh?! Love ya mom, I gotta go! I'm gonna go smoke some crack............Kidding! Love ya Ma!"

So I laid off of the whole process of reading an article about some crazy teen party fad, and then instantly assuming my children were partaking. I stopped my obsession with the fact that my girls were going to go to slumber parties and 'choke each other till they passed out', or my son would be high fiving his buddies, after digesting a rainbow of pills belonging to some teen boys pill popping mom.

I have good kids. My son is right, I just need to trust them.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can breathe!

But you know what?

Even good kids make stupid mistakes.
Even good kids can have a lapse in judgment from time to time.
Even good kids can choose to make a 'not good' choice.

So if you click on the link 10 most dangerous teen fads and read through them, I will tell you this.

My 'Good Kids'? They have tried a couple of these.

The Ice Cube Salt trick? - My son. Thank god it didn't get infected, or worse.
The Cinnamon Challenge? -  My daughters friends post their videos on Facebook. Hacking, coughing, almost throwing up. My daughter (The one with the Straight A's, and in 2 Honors classes)  was grossed out and thought they were stupid. 3 months later she changed her mind. Had a sore throat and a cough for a while, and finally wondered out loud to me "I wonder if there is still Cinnamon in my throat?"  WTF was my first thought! Followed by a very long talk.
Passing out game? (not on this list, but....) -  Heard from a friend of a friend, of a friend that my daughter had tried this at a slumber party 2 years ago. My frail, skinny, tiny little daughter? All I imagined was her passing out, and never waking up.I approached her on the subject, and she admitted that her and her friend actually were the ones who did not want to really do it, so they teamed up and really only pretended to do it. I called the friends mom, and in the end we believe our daughters that they faked the choking. But as you are reading this, aren't you asking yourself - "FAKE CHOKING?? IS THIS EVEN A 'THING'? WTF" - Yeah, WTF, get's asked a lot around here. Sorry!
Synthetic Marijuana - My son who is now 19, and not so stupid,but every kid is stupid at some time, so I guess he is kinda stupid,  admitted to trying this once. His buddy had some, and he tried it. Didn't like it, end of story.

The list has quite a few that I am praying my children have not, and will never try.

Car surfing?? - Guess what, my husband has a scar on his chin, and  a piece of asphalt still imbedded into his knee from truck surfing as a teen.


I am not sure exactly what my point was when writing this post, but I think I can summarize a thought.

Every parent thinks they have good kids. (unless you obviously gave birth to the son of Satan,and you knew this because of the horns and tail), and most of us do have good kids.

My children really are 'good', even though they are teenagers. And I guess that brings me to my point.

TEENAGERS

They are thrown into a giant pool of pressure. Maybe not the peer pressure that exists in an after school special; remember those programs?

In fact, my kids laugh at me when I use the phrase 'peer pressure'. They say nobody acts like they do in the movies. There isn't a group that surrounds you, shoving a joint in your face, strong arming you and saying "Come on, all the cool kids are doing it! Don't you want to be cool too?"

So that kind of peer pressure may not be happening, but there is a stealth, hidden pressure that I think just exists. Teens are inundated every single second of their day by social media, and of course the friends that are soaking in the social media, and it just keeps going.

I can't be with them every single second of their day.

I can't follow them to every slumber party, or get together.

I can only keep talking to them, opening up conversation, and yes,

I can keep bringing up the articles I read.

Because maybe out of the twenty crazy things that I read about that teens all over the world are trying, 

my 'good kids' may be getting ready to try one. Or they already did, and they'd like to get it off of their chest.

For every bad choice they may make, they are making 50 more good choices, and for that I will praise my kids........but boy will I lecture or punish the hell out of them for that one bad choice.

Parenting is hard.

My parents worried that I would do drugs, drink and have sex.

Not that I would digest a spoonful of cinnamon while being choked, after digesting pills from a punch bowl, before going car surfing and downing a Robitussin concoction. 

A toast to parents, and just trying to make it through the teen years!

And a toast to the teens, because they really do have a lot comin at them from all directions. They are just trying to make it through as well.

Am I actually old enough to say "I miss the good ol' days"?

Mistaken infection 'on the prairie'? Walnut Grove, my second home....in my dreams of course.

Mistaken infection 'on the prairie'?

Little House on the Prairie was by far my FAVORITE show growing up. I read all the books, watched every episode, I had the lunchbox with matching thermos,I wore pigtail braids like Laura, and instead of J.R I secretly wished I had a cool nickname, like, ohhhhh, like Half Pint!
Ma and Pa were the best. When Ma made chicken and dumplings in the kettle, I could practically smell them through the television. I wanted to wear a bonnet, and walk to school (well wanting to walk to school may be stretching it, but walking through a prairie with crops as tall as myself always looked fun)
Oh and Laura became a teacher at 16 and got to marry Almanzo at what? 17? Now that seemed awesome.

So I log on to MSN and see the article that Mary's blindness was NOT caused by Scarlet Fever, it was most likely caused by meningoencephilitis. So for any die hard Little House on the Prairie fans out there that have spent their lives full of pride that they know every detail, every in-n-out, every trivia game answer pertaining to The Ingalls Clan, well now you know one more fact. You can rest at night.

I have tried to get my teen daughters to sit down with me and watch 'the greatest show on earth' when the reruns play, but somehow they don't last more then 10 minutes. Seems as though the courting of Mary and Adam, or the school girl crush of Laura and Almanzo cannot compete with The 'Situation' and Snookie of the Jersey Shore.
Maybe my six year old little girl will watch it with me. Oh, but Ma and Pa Ingalls aren't as slap stick funny as the parents on Good Luck Charlie.

Oh well! The whole town of Walnut Grove,and every person in it will always hold a special place in my heart; well everyone except the rapist who assaulted Albert's first love. Remember that episode? Weird! Awful! That episode tormented me for a while. That wasn't the 'Little House' I knew and loved. Let's move on....

Where was I? Walnut Grove, I miss you! You were a huge part of my childhood, and your theme song always gives me goosebumps.

* Oh, if anyone ever comes across a Little House on the Prairie metal lunchbox with matching thermos, let me know. I'd love to get my hands on one. Just for the memories. :)

Why did I give my daughter a baseball bat to bang on the floor? WHY?? I need a baseball bat to hit myself over the head.

Summary of my past few weeks

• Teen daughters dance show, took up a bit of my time. Preparing props and all.
• WAIT!!! Let me rewind....the flu has been in my house off and on since Christmas.
• Doctors appointments
• My Birthday last Friday! Cause for celebration? YES! Cause for stress? Well...errr, HELL YEAH! When you show up at Beni Hana with your party of six (you, hubby and your four kids) and expect it to be a fun night, and then your six year old tugs your sleeve right when Chef Cesar (Cesar is a Japanese name?) begins his culinary show, and she has her hands over her mouth saying "Mommy, the smell makes me want to throw up" and suddenly you notice her cheeks are as red as a Crayola Crayon, and her forehead is burning up, and how in the hell did your daughter develop the flu on the 13 minute car ride from your house to the restaurant, and please dear god do NOT let her puke all over the Beni Hana grill, and WHY IS THIS HAPPENING ON MY BIRTHDAY??? Well, HELL F*CKING YES YOUR BIRTHDAY TURNS TO STRESS! That is o.k., there is always next year. I am also going to write a post about my Birthday Celebration, pre-puking!
• Six Year old daughter has flu!
• Fourteen year old daughter wakes up this morning with 'the worst sore throat ever' and a fever that may even make the devil himself die from heat stroke. 
• I work from home on Mondays. Six year old daughter is upstairs. Fourteen year old daughter is downstairs. Home office is in the back of the house where you can't hear either one of them. Fourteen year old daughter has taken to texting me when she is need of medicine, tea, or just to let me know again, that her throat hurts like she has swallowed needles. Six year old is throwing up off and on (mostly feels like ON) coughing, and clutching her stomach in pain. She does not want me 'to go downstairs mommy...ever!' But mommy has to go downstairs, so she came up with what she thought was a good idea. 

'Just bang the bat on the floor honey. I will hear it when I am downstairs.'
I have never regretted a sentence more than I regret that one.

Please! Please don't make me walk up and down anymore. 

If you are wondering why I don't just have both daughters up in my bed. Or both daughters all snuggled downstairs on the couch.
Don't'cha think I had thought of that?
Both daughters are pretty lethargic and really just want to stay put. Neither wanted to go out on the couch. Which shows how sick they are. Usually the couch is 'fun'. Nope, not today.

Wait! Be quiet..........shhhhh......is my phone buzzing? Oh, yes it's a text from my daughter. She wants me to shut her window. Her fever has broke, and now she is freezing.

Enter the dungeon of a fourteen year old sickie! 

Wait....Be quiet again!! Shhh, what is that pounding noise? Oh, the baseball bat.

"I will be right there honey. I'm downstairs shutting your sisters window and making her some tea."

"O.K. Honey, you can really stop pounding the floor now. Give mommy two more seconds. I'm runnin upstairs now."

"Mommy is here honey. What did you need?"

"My tummy hurts."

"You wanted me to run upstairs so you could tell me that again?"

Deep Breaths. Deep Breaths. 

*I am now waiting for the hubby to get home from work so we can take the girls to Urgent Care (as their doctor was leaving early today) 

Since I am sure they will want to hydrate my six year old with an i.v., the hubby is definitely going, as i will need his help for that. 

Do you think the urgent care will allow baseball bats. I mean if I am going to be hopping between the two daughters rooms, she may need it. 

Or I may need it to knock my own lights out.

SUMMER I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR WONDERFUL SEASON OF SUNNY, FLU-LESS SPLENDOR!

Oh, by the way, J.R. did not write this post. The tired zombie that has taken over J.R.'s body wrote this. The real J.R. is running up and down the stairs.

Thank God for Wal Mart and Duct Tape!

I'm tired, and my fingers don't even want to type.

So this will be short!

GOD BLESS DUCT TAPE!

My daughters performed this week in their High School's Student Choreography show case. Props were needed. Props built by my husband, and painted by yours truly.

The first showing was a matinee at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday. The first performance is never crowded, and that was probably a good thing, as the tombstone prop that we built FAILED! 

The glue wasn't strong enough, or something; not to mention that my daughter probably did not pull her feet up high enough, and her sister and friend probably did not give all their strength when lifting her, but they are kids, they worked their butts off for the past month practicing, so I will blame it on the construction.

Lift your feet honey, Lift your feet!

Man Down, Man Down! Errr, I mean, Prop Tombstone Down, Prop Down!!

I can't imagine what was going through my daughters mind that very  second.
But she might have been thinking
"F*CK, SH*T, WHAT THE HELL, DAMMIT!!"
Noooooooo, not my daughter!  I am sure she was thinking "Golly Gee Willakers, how did that happen?"I was mouthing
"Keep Dancing!KEEP DANCING!!!" 

~Cut to intermission~

Mom wipes a tear from daughters eye,

Mom helps both daughters & their friend laugh it off.

Mom finds someone with a roll of Duct Tape (yes, apparently people just carry it around with them) 

Mom runs backstage, and quickly starts taping like a mad woman, so it will be repaired before the 7:00 showing.

Mom then runs to Taco Bell to get the girls dinner before the night show.

Mom's phone rings as she is pulling out of the drive thru

"Uhh, can you get more duct tape?Some girl backstage wanted to see if she could jump over the tombstones, and she broke the other one. And Kialy's tombstone is kinda loose too"

Lo and Behold, I am in a Wal Mart shopping center.

Super Mom to the rescue.

Taco Bell delivered, Tombstone #2 and #3 repaired (and even better as I bought black duct tape, instead of the grey that I had to borrow the first time) 

Ready for the next dance!

Cross your fingers!

oh, and honey, lift your feet higher......Mom's just sayin......!

See the duct tape at the bottom? That is some handy work, huh? YEAH? Right?
I know! 

SUCCESS!!!!!!!
MUCH BETTER!!!!
YES!
THOSE ARE MY GIRLS!!!
THEY ROCK.......And their mom isn't so bad either

Did you just tell me to 'Shut the Hell Up'???

If you are driving with your six year old daughter, and you think you are entertaining her by engaging in some chit chat, and she says

"Umm, Mama I know a game we can play. Let's play the 'Whoever can be the most quietest game, and whoever talks loses, so if you talk you lose, but whoever is quietest wins, so you gotta be the quietest'......Yeahh, mama let's play that game"

Then she lays her head back against her head rest and stares out at the ocean as you take the scenic route home. 

Well you know what just happened?

You just got asked to 

 'Shut the hell up'

in six year old talk.

Did she just try to play the master?

Did she just do the ol' switcheroo and play me at my own game?

Did she .....

Did she.....??

Yeah, she just told me!

In all seriousness, this happened today. Did my daughter need some quiet time to mentally go over the events of her day?

Did she just want to stare at the waves crashing on the sand, and ponder the meaning of life?

Was my meaningless chit-chat not superb enough for her exuberant brain?

~or~

Do six year olds just need some quiet time in their life too?

We probably don't give the little ones enough credit, but they can be pretty wise.

Maybe it was her way of saying 

"Hey Mama, let's just be silent and enjoy the beauty of the ocean that we are so blessed to live by"

??

Nahhh,

I think she was saying

"Shut the heck up Mama!Stop talking about all the fun things we are going to do this summer, and for the love of god PLEASE STOP SINGING

You cannot, and never will be able to sing like Kelly Clarkson, Adele, or Stevie Nicks. PLEASE STOP TRYING"

* This moment of silence is dedicated to my daughter. Really and truly one of the wisest, most thoughtful, and sweetest little human beings. 

Besides my other 3, they are pretty wise, thoughtful and sweet.

Dam equality! 

I would like to thank my husband for sucking the life out of me one day at a time over the past month and a half

My husband had decided a few weeks ago to make some healthy changes in his life. In all honesty a trip to the doctor for a check up will do that to you. I was proud of him for coming home and stating to all that will listen that he was going to, quote, "Make some changes concerning some of my unhealthy habits"

Good for him!

Woo Hoo!

Way to go honey!

I'm proud of you!

No more midnight snacks? WOW babe, you are great!

Cutting back on carbs? You Rock!!!

Evening walks along with hoppin on the exercise bike? You are amazing me with every step.

De -Caff Coffee? You are the bomb!!!

WAIT......

Did you say you want to switch to 

De-Caff, and it'd be easier if we both did so that we don't have to make two pots, blah, blah, blah and it would do me some good also, and other bullshit? 

You are NOT great!

You do NOT rock!

Amazing me my ass!

and

You are NOT the bomb!

Actually you are a bomb. The bomb that blew up my happiness. The bomb that destroyed the center of my universe.

The bomb that singlehandedly took away every fiber of the neuron cells that produced my energy.

Want to see what I look like folks?

Hope you are happy honey bunny, pookie schnookie, pumpkin pie, apple of my eye. 

You said I'd 'get used to it!' 

You said 'It'll be good for you too'.

You said.......You said.........Uhhhhhhh, OH GOD, the lack of caffeine is causing memory loss. Somebody help me!

In case I don't see ya; Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night!

I will take a break from embarrassing my family, and instead I will simply put up pictures of the Christmas gift I made for my son this year.

His all time favorite movie is The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey. It is not a movie showing Jim Carreys usual  Jim Carreyness. It is a satire of sorts, and a little bit of drama mixed with comedy. A semi darkness / sadness to it also (in my opinion) But just one of those movies that we love.

Anyway, I was trying to think of one more gift for my son for Christmas and suddenly it hit me. You know those poster prints that are all the rage right now. Basically a two toned printed with block letters spelling out either a favorite phrase, or lyrics from a song. Do It Yourselfers are learning from Pinterest how to create their own, and that is exactly what I did.

~Starting with a small piece of plywood my husband had left over from a job~

After this step, I used an antiquing varnish and wiped it over the whole print about 5 or 6 times. Then sanded some of the sides a bit to give it a vintage look. 

 I wrote something special on the back! Hopefully this will hang not only in his room, but in his bachelor pad, and eventually his family home. Unless he marries a woman that demands that he only hang it in his man cave or garage. Then we may have a problem. ;) 

The movie is about Truman, played by Jim Carrey, who lives his life in front of cameras on his own reality show. The only thing is, he is not aware that his life is being filmed. The cameras are hidden, and it has been that way since his birth. He is always cheerful to everyone, and the quote I painted is something that he would say to his neighbors in the morning. 

But at the end of the movie when he figures it all out and essentially 'escapes' the clutches of the producer he utters his famous quote one last time, but in a much different tone.

Great Movie! 

Tomorrow I will be back to my usual  programming;

You know, showcasing the shenanigans of my family. 

Should I steal toilet paper from the mall? Just this once?

So my girls had money and gift cards from Christmas, and they were burning a hole in their pockets.

They did not want to go to our same ol' boring, lame, tiny mall - quote from the teens, as I personally like our mall.

So I decided to take them to a mall about 30 minutes away. It has a few stores that our mall does not have, including a Nordstroms, H&M, and a 3 Story Target!!! 
3 Story Target? I'm sold.

We shopped, we ate in the food court, and we shopped some more. Six of us total, as I let the girls each invite a friend.

Back at the Food Court for our second time in the evening, we all sat there a bit run down looking. I am not the hugest shopper, but today I went full force, and I tell ya; This Mama was pooped!

"Hey Guys, I know we haven't even stepped foot in the giganticor (made up word) Target, but I am done for the night. I don't think I can walk another step."

BZZZZZ BZZZZZZ

"O.K. your dad just texted me. He needs us to stop and get toilet paper on the way home~SHIT! I am so tired, I don't want to have to go anywhere else"

And tired I was. After this conversation with the girls, I used the restroom in the food court and as I sat on the toilet, I actually contemplated just grabbing a roll from the stall and sticking it in my purse. 

I said CONTEMPLATED, not DID IT! But boy did I contemplate long and hard. I was just so tired, and just wanted to get home.Dam my moral compass!

"Come on girls, let's go. I'm exhausted, and we still are going to have to stop by the store for toilet paper."

BAM!

VOILA!!!!

WAIT! THEY HAVE A FREAKING 3 STORY TARGET INSIDE THE MALL!!!

TOILET PAPER!
YES!!

This is not a mall that we come to very often, and we were all a bit turned around.I swore that the Target was literally right next to the Nordstroms, which is where we parked. We could purchase the TP, head out the Target doors and be right at our car. 

Paid for the TP, and my oldest daughter grabbed it from the checker as I put my wallet back in my purse.

Finally heading home.

Wait! This isn't where we are parked.So we walk back into Target, and realize that we actually have to go out the Target doors, and back into the mall. Turn left, and head all the way down the first floor until we hit Nordstroms, then go through Nordstroms, and then we will be in the right parking lot.

Question: How long do you think it took my daughter to realize that she was holding the big bundle of Toilet Paper, and that she was going to have to carry it through the ENTIRE MALL?

Answer: About 2.6 seconds - "OH MY GOD!! Is anyone looking at me? I can't believe I'm carrying toilet paper through the mall. Why are you guys walking so fast, wait........" 

I Don't See Nothing Wrong With a Little Bump-N-Grind

Hey Ladies, you know that Double Edged Sword known as the "Husband Massage"? You know, where the husband actually surprises you by offering up his massage skills, only to have the massage sabotaged by his penis. Somehow his thumbs are tired after 5.6 seconds of rubbing, but by golly Mr.Penis looks as though he just drank 10 Red Bulls!

Let me explain it:

Wife: Gosh, my back and neck really have been hurting lately. I mean, really sore. I sure wish I could get a massage!

Husband: Then go get one. 

Wife: We don't have the money right now. Also, I am pretty traumatized from the last massage I got which I have now dubbed " The worst massage EVER because I was holding in a Fart the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME" Dam my gassy stomach and irritable bowel syndrome!!!! I just wish you would give me a massage. Like a real massage! Like the one you gave me when we were first dating. Oil, tranquil music, full 50 minute massage. Wow those were the good ol' days!! Hint Hint

Husband: O.K. you are right! You deserve one. Tonight we will relive the 'good ol' days as you like to call them, and I will give you a real massage. 

Wife: A real one! No whining that your hands are tired, but YOU aren't too tired if 'you catch my drift'??!!??

Husband: Yes, a real massage. Promise! 

Fast Forward to Tonight

Kids in bed   -   check

Lights dimmed - check

One excited, ready to relax wife - double check

Wife: Hey babe, just turn on one of the cable music channels on the t.v. Find some mellow music.

Husband: Good idea.

Mellow music - check

I will give it to my husband. He was doing fantastic. AWESOME in fact. His hands were workin their magic. He rubbed, kneaded, circled, and touched all my sore areas. He was focused. His hands were working, and his penis was not distracting him..........

Until.......

Remember the mellow music playing from the cable t.v. music channels?

Well I was not paying 100% attention to what music was accompanying my massage. There was an old school Whitney Houston song, a Boyz to Men number, and some Mariah Carey. 

But then this

With lyrics like these, let's just hope he has suddenly gone deaf! FOCUS!

[Chorus: repeat 4x]
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind

See I know just what you want and I know just what you need girl
So baby bring your body to me (bring your body here)
I'm not fooling around with you baby
My love is true (with you) with you is where I want to be, girl see
you need someone someone like me to satisfy your every needs

How does it all end you ask?

Well my 50 minute massage was actually interrupted by a little monster; No, not his Bump-n-Grind Penis!

A knock, knock, knock at our door. A six year old little monster, a.k.a. our daughter, had a bad dream.

Husbands internal secret thought: 

DAMMIT!!!! F*CK, SH*T, DAMMITTT!!!!!I think I almost had her into wanting some of my 'Bump -N- Grind' action!!! DAM KIDS!!!

Wife's internal secret thought:

DAMMIT, my 50 minute massage got cut short at 28 minutes! He owes me 22 minutes. Oh well, at least we were interrupted before he started Bumpin and Grindin, instead of Kneadin-n-Massagin...........

The Cool Girl Likes Me! She even let me guest post on her blog!

Blogging is sort of like a club.

And there always has to be a new kid that wants in.

I was that new kid;in fact I think I still am a bit of a 'newbie.'

You follow certain blogs, they follow back, but you seem to have your few close pals.

Marianne at We Band of Mothers let me in her club, and I feel pretty darn cool.

Now, Marianne is probably reading this and chuckling.Shaking her head, and denying herself the Coolness Throne that I am putting her on. But who cares what she thinks..........

I think she is SUPER COOL!

Have we ever met? NO

Have we ever spoken? NO

But do I think she seems like a person I'd clink my glass with, and say"Cheers" to, all the while eating Hot Wings? YES

I just get that sense, and that is all there is to it!

OH

and one more reason why I think she is cool

SHE LET ME GUEST POST ON HER BLOG!

MY VERY FIRST GUEST POST EVER!

You can read it here

The reason she needs some guest bloggers is because she is busy with the Holidays, Football and promoting 

this

which can be purchased on Amazon

Thank you Marianne! ;)

I have a very important job, and I am VERY BUSY at my stressful important job!

I have an important job.

I am very busy.

I have deadlines,stress, and major responsibilities.

I have emails to check and respond to.

Voicemails to delete listen to.

Co-Workers to chit chat discuss important work topics with.

The other day my Co-Workers and I(whom also happen to be two of my closest friends)were going over some notes from a meeting that we had.

Wellllllllllllll,

Somehow, online marketing strategies turned into 

WHERE DO COYOTES GO DURING THE DAY?

First we were talking about some of our clients, and then it turned into talking about a Hospital in Oregon.

We deal with Hospitals

Then it went from a hospital in Oregon to talking about snow.

Then being trapped in the snow.

Then I said out loud "I could totally survive in the North Pole if I was stranded alone. I watched this show on how the Eskimos build Igloos, and I think I could do it. I mean, at least for shelter"

Then Jenna my Co-Worker/Friend said "I could totally picture you trying to build an igloo, hunting for polar bears."

Next Daniella got in on the National Geographic sounding discussion, saying "Oh My GOD J.R., actually I REALLY can see you trying to survive out in the canyon." 

Don't ask me how we moved on from the freezing, frigid North Pole weather, to the canyon behind my house in sunny San Diego. Like, really........Don't ask.

"Yeah, I would be back there trying to light a fire, hunting for coyote's!!"

Jenna then asks "In all seriousness, have you ever come across a coyote when you and M go for your walks?"

I say "NO"

She says "OH"

Then we all ponder silently until one of us asks

"Where do Coyote's go during the day? Like huts, or holes, or dens? DENS!! Yeah,I think that's it!"

"LET'S GOOGLE IT."

Yellow Arrows Point to Actual 'JOB STUFF'
Blue Arrows Point to 'BULLSH*T my co-workers and I think about

Yes Folks!

I am busy!

Pretty Fricking Busy! 

Thank Goodness I have off the next two days for New Year's! 

I need a break from all that stress!

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S 

XOXO,

J.R.

Sometimes I do things just to be like 'One of Those People'

Like my title? 

It is true!

Sometimes I look at certain people and think " I want to be like them"

or

"I want to do what they are doing"

or

"Hmmm, maybe I should start ______, or_______, or __________ then I will be one of those cool whatever kind of people"

Examples

Cool Vitamin Healthy juice drinking people:

I was at Target in the makeup section buying new lip gloss. The Vitamins were one isle over. 

Hmm, I thought. Maybe I should buy some vitamins. I could have them sitting on my counter, like "Hey look at me, I take vitamins. Not just a plain ol' boring multi vitamin, but like different letters and stuff!" 

I scanned the shelves. Fish oil......Uhhhh! Cod Liver?? WTH?......Prenatal?? Ahh, now that I recognize, and boy it sure did make my nails grow out long and strong. Vitamain B6? My eyes went straight to the word ENERGY. I need more energy, because I am always tired in the afternoon. Throw it in the basket! YAY, Success. Cool Vitamin Person, I have now become. 

A Person Who Can't Start Their Day Unless They Start it With CARDIO!

That person is NOT me! I do not get enjoyment from working out. I buy workout clothes only so that I have something to wear on the days that I don't feel like wearing tight jeans, but can't get away with wearing my fuzzy pajamas to Target. I want my friends to call me and say "Hey, whatcha doin today?" and for me to say "Oh, heading over to the gym..........after I work out at home first. You know me, HaHa Ha, the gym is my church!" 

The Gym is NOT my church! The Gym is not my go to happy place! Working out is awful, and I would rather have my eyes poked out with hot needles! 

Although, if walking from my car to the inside of Target to purchase more workout clothes;only to have to try on 4 different sports bras, 3 pairs of yoga pants, and 2 zip up hoodies........well if that doesn't sound like cardio to me, I don't know what is. Hey, maybe I am a fitness freak after all! 

An 'I can sit around discussing foreign news, the stock market, and overseas trading at a party' Type of Person.

First of all, is Overseas trading even a phrase? Is it even a 'thing'? It just rolled off my tongue, so I typed it.

Anyways, lets move on. I am already yawning!

Don't get me wrong, I can hold an intelligent conversation, but certain topics leave me bored and baffled!

Well I may not talk politics over a cosmopolitan,

but........

I can wear a mustache, fake glasses and wave my hands in the air like I 

JUST DON'T CARE!! 

No 'Bored and Baffled' going on here! Just a whoooole lotta Warm Rum Cider, Fake Mustache/Nose/Glasses and some music!
Take that Foreign Trade Stock Politics!