I Don't See Nothing Wrong With a Little Bump-N-Grind

Hey Ladies, you know that Double Edged Sword known as the "Husband Massage"? You know, where the husband actually surprises you by offering up his massage skills, only to have the massage sabotaged by his penis. Somehow his thumbs are tired after 5.6 seconds of rubbing, but by golly Mr.Penis looks as though he just drank 10 Red Bulls!

Let me explain it:

Wife: Gosh, my back and neck really have been hurting lately. I mean, really sore. I sure wish I could get a massage!

Husband: Then go get one. 

Wife: We don't have the money right now. Also, I am pretty traumatized from the last massage I got which I have now dubbed " The worst massage EVER because I was holding in a Fart the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME" Dam my gassy stomach and irritable bowel syndrome!!!! I just wish you would give me a massage. Like a real massage! Like the one you gave me when we were first dating. Oil, tranquil music, full 50 minute massage. Wow those were the good ol' days!! Hint Hint

Husband: O.K. you are right! You deserve one. Tonight we will relive the 'good ol' days as you like to call them, and I will give you a real massage. 

Wife: A real one! No whining that your hands are tired, but YOU aren't too tired if 'you catch my drift'??!!??

Husband: Yes, a real massage. Promise! 

Fast Forward to Tonight

Kids in bed   -   check

Lights dimmed - check

One excited, ready to relax wife - double check

Wife: Hey babe, just turn on one of the cable music channels on the t.v. Find some mellow music.

Husband: Good idea.

Mellow music - check

I will give it to my husband. He was doing fantastic. AWESOME in fact. His hands were workin their magic. He rubbed, kneaded, circled, and touched all my sore areas. He was focused. His hands were working, and his penis was not distracting him..........

Until.......

Remember the mellow music playing from the cable t.v. music channels?

Well I was not paying 100% attention to what music was accompanying my massage. There was an old school Whitney Houston song, a Boyz to Men number, and some Mariah Carey. 

But then this

With lyrics like these, let's just hope he has suddenly gone deaf! FOCUS!

[Chorus: repeat 4x]
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind

See I know just what you want and I know just what you need girl
So baby bring your body to me (bring your body here)
I'm not fooling around with you baby
My love is true (with you) with you is where I want to be, girl see
you need someone someone like me to satisfy your every needs

How does it all end you ask?

Well my 50 minute massage was actually interrupted by a little monster; No, not his Bump-n-Grind Penis!

A knock, knock, knock at our door. A six year old little monster, a.k.a. our daughter, had a bad dream.

Husbands internal secret thought: 

DAMMIT!!!! F*CK, SH*T, DAMMITTT!!!!!I think I almost had her into wanting some of my 'Bump -N- Grind' action!!! DAM KIDS!!!

Wife's internal secret thought:

DAMMIT, my 50 minute massage got cut short at 28 minutes! He owes me 22 minutes. Oh well, at least we were interrupted before he started Bumpin and Grindin, instead of Kneadin-n-Massagin...........

First Spanish with Dora, now Penis with MOM! Thanks NickJr. you are full of information.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been creating a new nightly routine that goes a little something like this -



5 year old daughter: "Mama, can I watch t.v. while you are brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed?"

Me: "Yes, of course"

5 year old daughter: "NickJr. is boring now!"

Me: "Oh, really, yeah. O.K. honey" not really paying attention because I am too busy wondering if the $200 facial cleansing set is really worth the money. Olay for $8.95 worked just as well.

5 year old daughter: "I am going to wait for you in my room mommy. I will play Barbies instead while you brush your teeth"

Me: "O.K. I will come in and read to you in a minute"

Does this nightly routine sound new?

No?

Because it is not!


The new part is this:

After putting my daughter to bed, I walk into my room and climb under my covers searching for the remote that my daughter likes to stick in weird places after she gets bored with the T.V. Not to mention that she always fails to turn the T.V. off.

I am fluffing my pillow, putting my hand lotion on, and plugging my phone into the charger getting ready to change the channel for some "Housewives of New Jersey" when all of a sudden I hear the word

PENIS

P E N I S

P    E   N   I    S

Now, is hearing the word "Penis" the hugest deal in the world? God NO!!! I am not a prude!

But.........Hearing the word "PENIS", and then looking up to the T.V. Screen and seeing the NickJr. symbol in the right hand corner.......well that is just plain craaaazzzzzyyyyy!!!

Uhhhh, am I drunk?

NO

Uhhh, am I in some parallel universe?

NO

Uhhhhh, 

Ummmmmmm,

WTF?

I change channels, then change it back. Blink my eyes and open them again. The symbol still says NickJr. 

But the show is called 

NickMOM Night Out!

I leave it on the channel for a minute, hear a few more ADULT jokes, and start totally tripping out!

My husband walks in and I turn to him like a complete spaz -

"Honey, look at NickJr. Listen! Look! It's like stand up comedy,and it's called Mom something and I heard the word Penis, and, and blah aadfaiddgfiahgfiagfahfhkdfsdijds"

"WOW. Weird, crazy"

I don't think he is paying attention to me. Maybe he is also wondering if my $200 facial kit was worth it. Ooops, I meant $100 dollar facial kit. 

Do we ever really give our husbands the 'true' price?

This has been my nightly routine for the past week or so.

Every night I turn on NickJr. just to see if there are still ADULTS saying ADULT THINGS.

YES! NICK MOM is still going strong

Every night, I spaz out, trying to get my husband to feel the same bewilderment I feel. 

Every night he doesn't seem as miffed as I do.

So I figured I would blog about it.
Would I be the only one?

Am I in the Twilight Zone?

But then I got home from work today, and on the MSN front page I saw this:

NickMom Makes for Ticked Moms

   

I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!

Someone wrote an article!

*As I said earlier. I am totally not a prude. But they did not even wait until past 10 or 11. I mean, why go messin with NickJr anyway, but if they really wanted to they could have waited until the Juniors of the world are actually asleep. I don't know about everyone else, but at 8:00 my little one is still beggin to watch T.V. and YES, sometimes I actually let her. She watches T.V. while I catch up on my magazine subscriptions, or talk to my older girls about their day.

Wonder how long Mom Night is going to last. I mean, I am amazed by it, but I have a million other things to be passionate about. But there are some crazy protesting moms out there, so little Junior better watch out. Moms on a mission can be dangerous!

Penis on NickJr. Is "NickJr." turning into "DickJr." ? 

Interesting!