I would like to thank my husband for sucking the life out of me one day at a time over the past month and a half

My husband had decided a few weeks ago to make some healthy changes in his life. In all honesty a trip to the doctor for a check up will do that to you. I was proud of him for coming home and stating to all that will listen that he was going to, quote, "Make some changes concerning some of my unhealthy habits"

Good for him!

Woo Hoo!

Way to go honey!

I'm proud of you!

No more midnight snacks? WOW babe, you are great!

Cutting back on carbs? You Rock!!!

Evening walks along with hoppin on the exercise bike? You are amazing me with every step.

De -Caff Coffee? You are the bomb!!!

WAIT......

Did you say you want to switch to 

De-Caff, and it'd be easier if we both did so that we don't have to make two pots, blah, blah, blah and it would do me some good also, and other bullshit? 

You are NOT great!

You do NOT rock!

Amazing me my ass!

and

You are NOT the bomb!

Actually you are a bomb. The bomb that blew up my happiness. The bomb that destroyed the center of my universe.

The bomb that singlehandedly took away every fiber of the neuron cells that produced my energy.

Want to see what I look like folks?

Hope you are happy honey bunny, pookie schnookie, pumpkin pie, apple of my eye. 

You said I'd 'get used to it!' 

You said 'It'll be good for you too'.

You said.......You said.........Uhhhhhhh, OH GOD, the lack of caffeine is causing memory loss. Somebody help me!

I am totally supportive when my husband is on a diet.....like totally...I promise! I SWEAR!! WHAT?!?!?

I am just going to say it! I am just going to shout the words out, and finally be set free of the guilt!

Ready?

O.K. - So, YES I admit. I have a metabolism that most people would kill for. 

There!!! I Said It! 

Now, with that being said. I probably have the clogged arteries most people would die from.

I am trying to eat healthier. I really am! I actually grew up on healthy food, but I also love junk food! 

My Husband? Not so lucky in the metabolism department............Sorry Honey (sad face inserted)

So every once in a while he gets into his little health kicks. Tells me he wants to start walking, eating better, using the laundry organizing station    errrrr, I mean the exercise bike. So on, and so on! Then there is always the discussion that starts with a look. A look he gives me as I am chomping on my Lays Potato Chips, followed by a Dr. Pepper chaser. 

"Babe.......I need your support! You have to start buying healthier foods. It'll do all of us good;you, me and even the kids. Fruits, vegetables, unsweetened cereals....all of it. Babe, you gotta do this for me.Stop filling the kitchen up with junk! Please!"

I actually listened this time. I listened, because he was right. Every time he mentions eating better, I wind up coming home with Chips Ahoy and Oreos. ( all Nabisco products buy one get one 1/2 off) I can't pass that up. BBQ Lays and Cheddar Sour Cream (Coupon for two for two dollars? Whhhaaatttt!!?? Of course I'm getting them) 

I put them in the cupboard, then lecture him when he finally caves and starts munching on cookies instead of the carrots I bought him.

I realized that this game we played was potentially costing him his health. My husband being my savior, my rock, my world and more. How could I not listen?

How could I keep bringing sugar, salts, and greasy lard into the kitchen when all the poor guy is trying to do is just lose a few pounds and feel better about his health.

So I did it guys! I did it! We went grocery shopping together, him and I. Carrots, Hummus, Strawberries, grapes, raspberries. Yogurt and Granola, whole grain bread, Garlic Powder to replace the Garlic SALT! Who needs potato chips when you can crunch on one of these little suckers.......Yup, that's right! A Carrot! 

Fast forward 2 days. I am still technically being supportive, because technically he said 'not to bring that junk into the kitchen anymore' So technically I am following the rules. My new found guilty pleasure has not stepped foot in the kitchen. In fact my friend Joe; Trader Joe to you people........well he is staying tucked away up in our bedroom. Hidden from the eyes of the husband and children. 

Milk Covered Potato Chips! 

I never claimed to be a Saint! And these devilishly, delicious concoctions of the sweet and salty mix are not in the kitchen. Hubby does even know about the secret house guest I have living in our home. 

Oh Trader Joe, you  Crazy Concoction Producing Genius

They are well hidden

Well, not really well hidden, but lets face it. 

My husband has no need, desire, or even the tiniest bit of curiosity to look into my mess of a craft supply / junk holder of an Armoire.

Don't open the bag honey.......DON'T STEP INTO THE LIGHT!!!

So hidden away from his slow metabolism, are my treats. My goodies; my happiness!

What you don't know won't kill you! 

It may just kill your wife one day when her unhealthy ways finally catch up with her.

And I think they are. 

In my next post I will describe how a date night at the bowling alley has me needing an ice pack and heating pad. 

Didn't know bowling could be so strenuous. 

Fast metabolism does not = in shape

Carrots, here I come. 

One of my best friends and her husband tried to kill me!!!

I am pretty much a small framed woman. Genes, high metabolism, whatever. But do not.......I repeat, DO NOT JUDGE ME BY THAT!!!! DO NOT BE ENVIOUS!!!!WHY????

BECAUSE

I AM THE MOST OUT OF SHAPE HUMAN BEING YOU WILL EVER COME ACROSS and I proved it yesterday on a bike ride with my girlfriend, and her husband. All seriousness, it was the most humiliating experience ever.

Well, maybe not the most humiliating. But that is for a post to come.

The bike ride that proved to me that they are secretly plotting to kill me. I am not sure what they would get out of killing me. Can B.F.F.'s take insurance policies out on one another? I don't think so.
Maybe they thought it would be fun. Maybe my friend doesn't really like me, or enjoy my company as much as I thought she did. I have been fooled this whole time, thinking that she loved me. Thinking that her husband liked me.

I was wrong! Heart attack is what they had in store for me! Make it look like a 'natural death' was their plan!

It all started with mine and my husbands idea to call them and ask them if they'd like to meet us down at a local dive bar. Dive bar? YES! Best Cheeseburgers in town? DEFINITELY YES!

Too long of story, change of events, etc. to explain why my husband wound up NOT being able to go, and I wound up still talking my friend and her husband into going, but it happened.

Then I get a text from my friend saying:

Friend:
Let's just ride our bikes down there. Then we don't have to worry about drinking and driving.

Me:
O.K.

Friend:
We have an extra beach cruiser for you. Just drive down to our house, and we will ride from here. That way you won't have to ride your bike up 2 hills on the way home. Just 1.
I live one street up the hill- I could shout to her from my house.

Me:
O.K. Sounds good!


What happens next is where the pre-meditated murder of a friend ALMOST happens!

We ride downhill to the bar.

We eat the most delicious, greasy, yummy burger, slathered in ortega chiles, cheese, and onions.
We dip our onion rings in ranch, put money in the juke box, and I drink 2 pear ciders.

We decide we are done for the night, that was fun, we should do it more often, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

This is when I start to see the evil glimmer in their eyes. The looks, the exchanges they give one another as we are putting on our sweatshirts and getting ready to ride back home in the beautiful, summer night air.

Flat ground at first, I am doing fine! This is kinda fun! Like being a teenager again. The breeze in my hair. Riding and laughing!

But slowly, my breathing starts to get a little heavy. Breathing turns into panting. The flat ground is starting to incline. What is happening to me? What is going on?

I am ........having.........a .......hard ..................................time..........................................Brea........thing...........................!!

Friend:

You O.K. J.R.? - 

Did I just detect a hint of laughter in her voice?

Friends Husband:

J.R. you alright? Are you really having that hard of a time?- 

Is he laughing at me too?

Friend:

Do you want to wait at the bottom of the hill, and we can ride our bikes home, and come back and get you?

Me:

OMG that would be pathetic!!! I can make it!!!!! - 

I think! Actually I think I am dying! Paranoia is setting in. They are plotting against me! 

Look at them up there! Ridiculing me! Acting supportive, but secretly high fiving at their almost success of my demise!

I have not had to ride up this hill since I was young,as I actually grew up in the house 3 doors down from them. But strange thing.........I don't think I have the energy I had when I was young! HOW IN THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Is this what Heaven Looks Like? Am I alive? Did my heart just pump out of my chest? What is my name? I need water!!!

The Red One is mine! Pretty and shiny! It is 5 years old! Barely ridden. I think I need to change that!
I officially am stepping into action!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE officially starts NOW!!!!






* I have an active mind. I grew up at the beach. Loved boogie boarding as a kid, running or riding my bike all over with my friends. As an adult, I have a competitive streak to me. I want to be good at whatever I try. We used to go to the desert, riding dirt bikes, until my husband crashed bad, and then so did I. I was on a girls ride, and went over my handle bars. Tore my rotator cuff. If I go bowling I want to be the best. If I play ladderball while camping, I want to be the best.
But being small framed my whole life, made me think I was a little more invincible to health issues.
Boy was I wrong!
I am almost 40 now!
I am not in my 20's anymore!
I cannot keep taking pride in the fact that I can 'eat whatever I want' and not really gain too much weight.
It really isn't 'cute' or 'funny' anymore!
This evening of cardiac arrest proved it to me!

Walks through the neighborhood, HERE I COME!
My life, my kids, and my health are too important!

But I will start after this weekend! We are going camping, and I just realized I bought pretty much every bit of junk food that you can imagine!

PROJECT GET J.R. INTO SHAPE starts next week! Promise!

Have a terrific, fun, wonderful, HEART HEALTHY weekend everybody!

* And to my friend and her hubby!
I'm watching you......
I've got my eyes on you.....
I've wised up...
Mmmmmm, Hmmmmmm! YUP!!