Monday, April 29, 2013

Get Out Of My House You Unwanted Guest, but leave the cereal here

I am never going to lose the five pounds that has come to visit like an unwanted house guest, and is refusing to leave. 
Five pounds you laugh! 
I know what you are thinking.
Waaaaa, Waaaaa! Complaining over five pounds! But it isn't just five little pounds spread evenly throughout.
The five (o.k. maybe 8) pound guest has decided to settle in my mid stomach area, where my herniated belly button is already residing. Thanks a lot miracles of life that grew in my stomach. There is not enough room for the both of you.One of you has to go, and since the saggy belly button replacement surgery costs over ten grand, and I have kids to send to college soon,hopefully,It looks like Henrietta the Hernia is staying and Frannie Five Pounds has got to pack her bags and hit the road. Or is  it Annabelle Eight Pounds, depending on what time of day I step on the scale? Whatever her F*ing name is, she has got to get the hell out of my mid-section!! 

I try! 
I really, really try!!!

I will do good for a couple of days .....hours, .....minutes, but when I walk down the cereal isle, fully intending on grabbing Kashi, or whatever flavorless cereal healthy people eat, and this is in front of my face ........

~and on sale~ 
Well.......what do you expect me to do? 
Be strong?

Being strong is hard, and this cereal is so FREAKING GOOD!!!

Wchhhhheelll, cchhhhh, hggmmmmmmm, Anyway, chhhhhhckkkmmmmm
Sorry, I can't talk type with my mouth full.
I'm finishing my midnight snack, and going to bed.

Tomorrow is a new healthy day!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Siri is teaching my six year old the F Bomb, and other news

Translated into six year old language, it would read:
"Siri, how can Mommy beat this level on Crash Bandicoot and beat the boss?"
O.K., so, I was playing Crash Bandicoot on Playstation. I hadn't played Video Games in years, but it was all starting to come back to me. I got to a level where you have to beat a boss before advancing. I was having a really tough time. My six year old daughter had my phone, and was doing whatever it is that she does when she says "Mommy, can I see your phone?" Usually I'm busy, not paying attention, and then 30 minutes later I discover that she has recorded a video of her Littlest Pet Shops that is 28 minutes long. Do you know how much patience it takes to sit on the couch and watch the videos your daughter has made? Videos of toys? Videos that can last upwards of 28 minutes? Videos of Barbies and Pet Shops having discussions with one another? Videos so shaky it gives me a headache? Things that parents have to pretend to enjoy!
Anyway, this time she asked to see my phone, I was busy trying to 'Beat the Boss' and I guess she wanted to ask Siri to help me out.I could hear my daughter speaking into my phone, and Siris annoying voice speaking back to her........
Next thing you know she throws the phone on the floor, starts to almost cry and blurts out
"I didn't say a bad word to Siri (a.k.a. 'Sorry', as my daughter pronounces it). I didn't tell her to say that bad word mommy, I don't know why she said it. I promise"
HUH?? I paused the game, picked up the phone, and read the screen. 
My 14 year old daughter and I literally had to catch our breath from the loud, long laughter that followed.I couldn't have made that up if I tried.

Homemade Recycled Cardboard Dollhouse
And so you all don't think I am just some negligent mom who plays video games, and lets Siri teach my daughter how to say "F'ing", I figured I would show the above picture. I got the idea from Pinterest, which lead me to this page A mom who started making a little mini dollhouse with her daughter from cardboard, scraps of material, and other items usually just sitting around the house. Time consuming and a bit tedious? YES. Fun, and wonderful to see my daughter's face light up when I say we can 'work on the dollhouse for a bit'? THE BEST.
"OMG, if she thinks that I don't know that she is taking a picture of me, well she doesn't know that I know her better than she thinks"
WOW, that was like a Dr. Seuss Quote
16 year old daughter has a job!! WOO HOO!!! At a local Taco Shop down by the beach! Of course we eat there all the time now.
And of course we embarrass her, and take pictures of her wiping down the tables. And of course we leave money in her tip jar! Way to go B!! Your first job!

"Mom, can you take a picture of my hair so I can text it to Kalie?"
"Sure Honey" - and my ulterior motive is so I can also write a post about it. My poor daughters....
Have you all seen the Ombre hair look on the internet? Ummm, isn't that just called - "Hey, my roots are showing"? But whatever, tomato / to-mah-to! My 14 year old had been wanting to try the Ombre look. A bit of a beachy, lighter on the ends kind of thing.
Am I a hairdresser? No, but I play one on T.V............
A little bit of bleach, a few pieces of foil, and Voila, Ombre Hair. 
**Before you all start wondering if I can afford conditioner for my daughter, the answer is 'Yes' 
This is kinda the look she was going for. 'Beachy Hair' it is called. Other days she does the whole, blow dried  straight ironed, shine spray, gloss serum look.

* J.R. trivia fact. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I use the word Voila in a blog post, I have to Google the spelling first. :)
These are all the different ways that my brain tries to peer pressure me into spelling it. But I take charge and say "Brain, stop pressuring me! I am going to Google it, and ignore you!!"

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Fear of Teenagers


So my internet homepage yesterday had a list of strange phobias that you may or may not have heard of.

One of them being Ephebiphobia - Fear of Teenagers.

So that explains the debilitating pain that comes over me every day at 3:18 p.m. when I hear the front door open, and the massive whirl of Hollister perfume and teen girl chatter fills up the front entry way.
Followed by a firing squad of questions/comments from my 14 and 16 year old teen daughters.

"I need to find a prom dress, NOW"
"What are we having for dinner? Fish? YUCK!"
"Who was in my room today? Mom, why do you let K play with my stuff? I don't need a six year playing in my room!"
"Can I go out to dinner with Trent tonight? I mean, I don't like fish, so it'd probably be better if I don't eat here."
"Why can't I go out to dinner with him??? I already finished my homework!"
"What? My teacher is crazy.......why did she email you that? I DID turn that in, she is lying!"
"Mom, can I talk to you privately?........can I borrow money?"
"Mom, can you take me to Target, or the mall? I told my friends that we could buy our matching outfits for our dance final...........Yes, they'll pay you back, Geez Mom!!"
"Mom, can you help me get this stain out? Ryan and Troy had a Juice Box war at lunch today."
"Guess what, we are officially, and I mean O-FISH-UH-LEE, the only two people left at school whose parents won't let them have iPhones! You know how embarrassing our pho..........."


"How bout a 'Hi mom'?"

"How was your day mom?"

"That lunch you packed us today was yummy mom!"

"We were just getting ready to ask you that mom. I swear!"

"We do love you mom!"

"That salad was really good......even our friends were jealous."

"You need a hug mom?"


*I always like to add my 'J.R. Disclaimer' at the bottom of these rants. A little something positive to balance out the negative.
The 'Prom Dress/Fish Hater'? She offered to pay for her own prom dress with her paycheck. Sweet right?
The 'Take me to Target / Mall' daughter- She just got a 4.2 GPA on her last report card, and the second highest mark on a surprise Geometry test.

But.......................... the fear still exists. PMS'y teen girls are always creepin around the corner. 4.2 GPA's and money offering aside........Ephebiphobia - It's real. Look it up.